In an alternative take on the grand finale, Chrysalis, Tirek and Cozy Glow betrayed the real Grogar. Overpowered and forced to team up with the Mane 6, they defeated the ancient wizard together. Tirek struggles with the memories of his brother and Cozy Glow questions her ideas of friendship and power. Together they travel to the land of centaurs to find answers to their problems and to understand friendship. Was Twilight right to let them free like that? And can they save Chrysalis from being consumed by self-doubt and lust for revenge?
(This is my first fic.)
Chapters (13)
I’m interested in your story. Showing Twilight how the magic of friendship is blind to see the injuries and dying unless they accept it
Interesting place to start. I can't wait to see were this will go.
Waiting for more!
I've said it before and I'll say it again, Tirek is a dad and it's beautiful. The way he protectively clutches Cozy and doesn't want his enemies to touch her, showing he cares for her well-being is content I wanted to see in the two-parter. Also, thank you for not having the princesses retire. Twilight just started up a school, and should run that for a while instead of jumping from a school she just began to ruling Equestria. I thought that transition in canon was WAY too fast.
I don't think 'Good heavens!' is something Twilight would say. That sounds more like Rarity.
Thanks for the positive reactions!
9972054
I don't think she normally would say it either, but I figured it was appropriate for the situation, and I don't know of a better interjection for Twilight to use (it sounds better than "Sweet Celestia", and "Oh no" or something like that is too weak). If you have a suggestion let me hear it.
9972478
Fair enough.
Woah. Amazing! I loved it. I liked this world setting, I felt the explanation about the villains helping the Mane 6 was sorta rushed, I would like to know more about how the Legion of Doom worked with the girls together but well, it seems the plot is more about the things that will come next. Nice too see Tirek really care for Cozy, I hope they can be a good trio with Chrysalis. BTW, left her with Starlight could ve dangerous, I hope she didn't go nuts. Nice story. Hope you update soon.
9973789
I understand that it's strange that I leave out much backstory. I was inspired to write about the villains after the finale, that's why I started here. Things that happened during the fight will definitely be integrated into the narrative and affect the motivations of the characters, so you'll hear more about it than in the "what happened previously" section. I've got a couple of interesting ideas for the fight and I'll keep fleshing it out. I may even turn it into a standalone story one day, if I can handle it.
Will there be a prequel that details how things would’ve gone if Grogar REALLY was back and knew about the Terrifying Triad’s attempt at betrayal before curbstomping all of Equestria’s defenders and taking control of the Windigos?
9975376
I'd love to work it out, but first things first. I'm pretty busy, and this being my first fic (or even my first story since the days of high school assignments), I'm not exactly the fastest writer.
9975551
I could provide you some dialogue if you’re interested.
9975588
I'd like to try to write this myself, but if you want to help me out with drafts, I post the chapter in the 4chan FimFiction thread before I upload it here. You can leave crititicism if you like.
Funny how Tirek seems to be the most reformable out of the three. Good stuff.
Tirek and Cozy should be fairly easy to reform, chrysalis will be hard.
I wonder how Tirek will handle the Princesses suddenly showing up. Maybe think that Twilight betrayed his trust?
Love the Luna/Tirek scene. I wonder how things will go with Cozy.
That title is beautiful.
Found this for you. I like the story so far.
he defeated the him with little [extra word]
found these. waiting for update👍
and she was movedto a personal room on the third. [to]
diametrically through on of them. [one]
10013594
Thanks for pointing out the typos, I've fixed them. Glad to read you're enjoying it!
Makes sense that Cozy would immedietly go into her happy cute filly persona. Her scene with Tirek was pretty cute. I also like the task they give her, it both helps her reform and gives Twilight some important future information.
I love how she never actually forgives her.
Yes he! should be Yes him.
10013670
Well spotted. I went for "Yes he" because it sounded cuter—if it's a grammar error (which it is), it's a verbal one made by a child. But now I'm tempted to correct it after all.
Added a few more lines at the end of this chapter. Tirek is wearing a cloak now. (Not that it has further weight on the story, I just thought it would be nice.)
Ah, a fix fix. Yeah I would have preferred if it had been Grogar as the main villain instead. Even though I hate Chrysalis some part of me would have liked to see her redeemed.
I'm waiting for Cozy to drop the mask once she gets alone with Tirek. If there's one person she can trust it's probably him. I think she's still crazy and has only really reverted back to her previous act so far, using her friendship with Tirek as an excuse to tell them all she's changed completely. I'd like to see some of her actual thoughts on what to do next, how she feels about the mission etc. Because I'm fairly sure she's been lying through her teeth this whole time if she's still in character. Maybe ask Tirek about finding Chrysalis.
Tirek is a cool guy, and it looks like Cozy has some personal secrets about why she's acting like this.
Good chapter!
Scorpan, get ready for this. Great chapter by the way.
I knew that filly wasn't being honest. At least she has Tirek to reign her in.
Tirek and Cozy's bond is absolutely adorable. I loved that Tirek waited around until Cozy recovered, and is taking his daughter home with him to confront his past.
Hopefully Tirek finds his answers, and that Cozy learns from this trip. She needs to learn that even though she sees friendship as one big game (great character perspective, by the way), it is more complicated than a game, and isn't a game at all.
10036340
Well said. I'm glad you like it!
I feel bad for this poor bug. At least she brought back Midnight Sparkle to have someone to talk with.
I know right?! The Changelings changed way to quickly to their colorful forms for it not to be natural on some level. I always ascribed it to Chrysalis throne (it does absorb the excess love Thorax and the other Changelings vent in To Where and Back Again) but Grogar's Bell works too.
10052362
I like that theory too. The throne has always been present and so could have acted as an active suppression agent. But in my opinion the corruption was a one-time event. The Changelings have always been creatures that are nourished by each other's love. This is still true in their corrupted form, but now they took it by force rather than creating new love, and as a result they were never satisfied. Once Thorax learned to share love he became the ancient good-natured form.
10052068
It doesn't feel good to subject her to another round of threachery and malice while Tirek and Cozy are on a camping trip, but I figured her being the hardest to redeem is in line with her stubbornness in To Where And Back Again and Frenemies.
10052725
I would agree that the corruption was a one time thing. In my theory the throne would mostly be as you say simply suppressing most attempts to change back at this point, there is something about that throne that to me makes me think it would've made a great Trojan Horse though. And if their transformation was a surprise biological shift that weakened and brought their society down it would explain why there appears to be only a city of them left around as opposed to other species inhabiting entire lands.
Also of note: I just wanted to say this is very good for your first story. Great grammar, brilliant plot, characters are pretty decent too for a first story, all around this is a great piece you put together here.
10068877
I'm very happy to hear that. Having an engaging plot is my greatest aim, and the best is yet to come! I understand my characterization and dialogue are subpar, it's hard to make two characters converse if you as the author already know what should and will happen. I tend to get directly to the point. I could use a lesson on how to make "pointless" small talk meaningful.
10069553
You should probably take anything I say with a grain of salt seeing as I haven't published anything on the site. That being said I understand having problems with small talk.
When it comes right down to it, from what I've observed it it's about expanding characterization. And not only the backstory (that's just embellishment), but what do your characters dream about, what are their methods for solving problems, what do they find funny, or detestable, what's their ideal method for working, and so on.
It pretty much all depends on how you view the characters and what you can gleam about their thought process. Who they and what they do on a regular basis will inform how they act and speak.
So far your doing pretty good by my estimate. Tirek is pretty close to the macho yet stoic character I am used to envisioning, and while Cozy varies between being strait up manipulative or blunt, that's a pretty credible take on the character that works well enough for what you're doing.
The most glaring issues I can spot are; Mean Twilight not fighting or testing Chrysalis's dominance even just a little, and the Main Six being so trusting of Cozy and Tirek going off on their own. Mean Twilight may tow the line temporally, but she is arrogant and isn't going to roll over and work for just anyone. And the only times the Main Six dealt with Cozy Glow or Tirek they are shown to have a pathological distrust of them; to the point of banishing them to Tartures or petrifying them to stone.
But those are easy enough problems to fix with a few additional scenes (Mean Twilight exploring the limitations of the obedience spell on her own away from Chrysalis, and a scene showing the change in Tirek that has convinced Twilight to trust him, would do it), and those could be added into the story at any point along the way.
Chrysalis is kinda of stiff but that edge between arrogance and practical is hard to get right for her. As for her the only solution I can think off is research and imitation. Finding her lines and learning the kind of things she does in show and comparing that to how she sounds and acts in your story.
There are probably sites with episode transcripts you could look up if you wanted, and I am pretty sure their are clips of MLP episodes still up if you know where to look. If you want I could look up some episodes and send you a list of those I feel are most relevant although fair warning, I might go a little bit over board with suggesting titles.
10072774
Thanks for the criticism. I suppose I should rewatch some episodes before writing, just to get a right sense of the characters. I'll try to add some characterization to make more sense of the behaviour of certain characters, like Twilight (whose decision to let Tirek and Chrysalis go free is what the story is predicated on), Mean Twilight (who definitely would be testing out the spell put on her) and of course the main characters (I'm fleshing out their motives in the chapter I'm currently writing).
10072820
No problem, I am happy to help. And like I said, this is pretty good so far.
Ah, there's the fallen bug queen. Was wondering when she would come into play.
Great theory about the changelings' dark form being a corruption of their natural, colorful selves. That is a great way to explain why their transformation happened so quickly. They were reverting to their original states.
I know Chrysalis put some mind restriction on Mean Twilight to make sure she doesn't betray her, but I have to wonder if Mean Twilight is up to something while Chrysalis is away getting the other Mean Six fragments. Perhaps she hopes to find some secret of the Bell shard that she can keep hidden from Chrysalis.
For your first fic, this reads quite good.
Yeah, not a fan of the series finals either.
Hopefully things go well for Chryssie, she's my favorite character bar none.
10089030
I'm happy to hear that! Everypony will get the ending they deserve.
Chryssie Nuuu!
Well, I wonder what he'll find out.
Pfft, I imagine the cloak for Tirek works like the trench coat disguises teenage mutant ninja turtles used.
It's simple, Cozy is just a pony-shaped great old one.
Keep it together, Chryssie!
... Kinda hoping that Chryssie's true form is more on the awesome side of things than the other changelings.
Oh, Cozy, you poor girl... Hopefully Tirek will be able to save you, Tartarus is not a good place for you.
Damn, already back to Tartarus. Hopefully they'll get out a lot sooner then before and Cerberus will be punished for being a bad dog. Also I really like the scenes with Tirek and Cozy.