The Main Gang

by Jhoira

The Gang's All Here

Rarity groaned, glaring at the back of the yellow pony. Thankful she was out of earshot. "Did you have to bring your girl again, Rainbow Dash? It's not like she's useful."

Rainbow Dash growled at her companion. "Shove it, Rarity. She was useful last time."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Yeah, when there's a small army of poodles she's useful, but here she..."

"Drop it." Twilight's order was terse but effective as both the other girls shut up immediately. Though it obviously bothered Rarity more than it did Rainbow Dash. "You two got your jobs down?"

This time it was Rainbow Dash's turn to look annoyed. "Yeah, yeah, I got it! Sheesh. After Pinkie gets the stuff out to the balcony, I'll dive in, grab it, and get out of there. That's what I do, I don't need to be babysat."

Rarity rolled her eyes, again. Though at Rainbow Dash's act, not the question. "I will be inside, and if the princess starts to head in I'll engage her in conversation on the latest fashion, or legislature, whichever she seems most interested in. Or whatever else I need to, even if I need to access my... Feminine charms..." She batted her eyelashes exaggeratedly to emphasize her point.

Twilight nodded and raised her hoof. "Hey, Pinkie!" Motioning over to the pink pony to them. Pinkie Pie left her conversation with Fluttershy to come over to the table. Fluttershy followed, but quickly split off and moved next to Rainbow Dash. Quite a bit behind the rainbow pegasus.

Pinkie Pie beat Twilight to the question. "I'm ready! I get in through the garden, climb up to the balcony and grab the goods. While I get out through the gardens again. Easy as... Pie." The rest of the group, minus Fluttershy groaned at Pinkie's favorite pun. The giggle that escaped Fluttershy's lips bought her a smile from Pinkie, and a glare from Rarity.

Twilight nodded in approval as she glanced down at the blueprint of the castle she'd managed to find hidden away in a library. "Good. We won't need Applejack on this one. We get made on this one no amount of muscle's going to stop the royal guard and the knights."

Rainbow Dash wrinkled her muzzle in annoyance. "Oh, we? We aren't risking much. It's me and Pinkie that'll be made if we get made. You and AJ will be here, Rarity will be drinking wine and flirting. It's me and our vaunted cat burglar who'll be rotting in prison if we get made!"

Fluttershy let out a small whimper and pressed up against Rainbow Dash's side, saying quietly. "Rainbow Dash..."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, unable to keep herself from slightly agreeing with Rarity, she shouldn't have brought Fluttershy. "Shhh, it's ok Fluttershy. This job and we'll have it made." She paused for a moment, frowning, wondering vaguely why the same words had pretty much opposite meanings. "I can retire, and you can buy that cute little cottage that you like so much." Though they both knew that wasn't going to happen. Rainbow Dash did it half for the money, but half for the rush of the job.

"You know, darling." The devious venom more or less dripping from Rarity's statement was obvious to everyone, well, everyone except one pony. "There is a way you could help Rainbow Dash." Rarity fixed her less than friendly gaze upon Fluttershy. "We put you in a cute little outfit and send you up to the royal pegasus roost, and I'm sure even the most vigilant guard will be too busy breeding you to chase her."

Rainbow Dash snarled in outrage as she jumped up on the table. "Listen here you little priss. You try anything and I'm tieing you up, and throwing you in the guard barracks!" After taking another step, she froze when a voice spoke up from the door.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, sugar cube." Applejack maintained her position by the door, but the quiet threat in her voice was unmistakable. Though completely gone in the following statement. "Though if you wait until afterward, from what I hear she'd like it."

Rainbow Dash couldn't help but let out a loud guffaw as she hopped back down. Rarity, however, was bright red, and sounded about as indignant as she could manage. "Now really! You shouldn't listen to such scurrilous rumors, Applejack!"

Applejack grinned and raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? Is that why whenever I come over you ask me to bring my lasso?"

While Rainbow Dash was busy busting a gut Rarity looked down. Shifting and drawing a little circle on the ground with her hoof. "Darling... That was private..." Her eyes were downcast and she was looking so dejected that no one could continue their teasing, especially not someone who was... Nominally a friend.

"Aww... Sugar cube I'm sorry. Tell ya what, after this job I'll..." Rarity looked up, grinning, all hints of embarrassment and shame tossed off like Applejack could toss her hat. "Dagnabit, Rarity! Don't pull yer tricks on me!"

As Rarity joined in on Rainbow Dash's snickering Twilight looked up from the blueprints. The blueprints she was going over again, despite having gone over them a hundred times already. "You three..." She glanced at Fluttershy. "Four need a minute? Pinkie and I can come back in an hour if you want to screw and get it out of your system!" The awkward silence that followed was genuine, even from Rarity. "Good. Now we all have our roles down, we've prepped for this, we have a buyer lined up. We don't screw this up and we'll be set for years! So stop screwing around!"

Pinkie Pie was the only one brave enough to snicker and stopped quickly at Twilight's glare. "Ok then. That's better. Now we don't meet up for a week after the caper. We all split up the take then. Let's go." With that, they all nodded and filed out. They were professionals after all.

Comments

[Natedogg2006]

You seem to be indicating they are going to steal Celestia's crown, but honestly I think it could be fun to imagine a world where they are stealing the elements of Harmony and that's how they become the bearers. Not bad btw.

[Nitro Indigo]

"This job and we'll have it made." She paused for a moment, frowning, wondering vaguely why the same words had pretty much opposite meanings.

The first sentence looks unfinished. What about this job? Is it supposed to say "this is the job"? Also, what word has opposite meanings?

[Jhoira]

10181070
Yay.

10189121
People talk in abbreviated sentences all the time. The full sentence would be "we do this job and we'll have it made." As for the double meaning, the word it's talking about is "made." "Being made" in a criminal sense means you were caught. "Have it made" in common parlance means to be all set and good to go.

[OneLonelyPickle]

A very decent first chapter It is about half the word count of what I would call the minimum length for a chapter, and I think you could easily expand this 1,000 word chapter into a 2,000 word chapter and really enhance it. More detail on what is going on around the ponies, more descriptions of what they are doing and how they are reacting, and more time spent introducing the reader to these alternate universe Mane 6.

But what is here is solid, nonetheless. I mean, if you continued with your writing as-is, it would be enough to carry on a story without overwhelming distraction on the part of the reader, at least as far as I am concerned. However, let's look into the story to reveal something important you can work on in the future:

Shifting and drawing a little circle on the ground with her hoof. "Darling... That was private..." Her eyes were downcast and she was looking so dejected that no one could continue their teasing.

THIS is what you want your story to be full of. SHOW the readers how characters are feeling. This particular paragraph is done effectively.

"Aww... Sugar cube I'm sorry. Tell ya what, after this job I'll..." Rarity looked up, grinning, all hints of embarrassment and shame tossed off like Applejack could toss her hat. "Dagnabit, Rarity! Don't pull yer tricks on me!"

This is not what you want in your story. Any time you find yourself TELLING the reader how a character is feeling, edit the story so that you are instead SHOWING how that character feels. A "hint of embarrassment and shame" could be one of 55 million different things. It's vague and uninteresting to read that. Something like "Applejack's expression soured" works much better, in tandem with what she says next. That's not perfect, but at least you are showing the reader what is happening with Applejack and presenting her emotions that way, not just telling the reader what those emotions are. The reader will figure out that Applejack is embarrassed and ticked off all by themselves.

Other then that, just keep the characters consistent and keep them busy with actions to complete as the story progresses because nothing is more boring than characters doing nothing important

[Jhoira]

10192441
Hehe, I've found myself in a recent habit of writing short stories of exactly 1k words. Don't ask me why.

If you read my other stuff you'll find I'm more of a quick and dirty storyteller than a pros writer (dirty here meaning unpolished, not mature.) but you're certainly right, I could sit down and expand it. I did that once with a complete rework of Trixie's New Role, but no one really seemed to care, hehe.

Abd True, I actually agree that it probably would have been more clever to describe AJs reaction than Rarity's. But I was describing Rarity not looking shameful, not AJ looking shameful.

[OneLonelyPickle]

10193303
There's nothing wrong with writing a particular way if that's what you want to do. There is certainly an audience on this website for any type of writing style as long as it is grammatically correct and you can understand what is happening. If you are going to have such short chapters, though, I would recommend releasing more of them and more frequently. In fact that is a solid way to expand your readerbase since your story will be constantly updating and visible on the front page, and people have no problem reading shorter stories with shorter chapters.

[Jhoira]

10194976
Yeah but that requires time. And unlike most people, the quarantine has actually decreased my free time.

[Jymbroni]

This was a fun read!