Twilight Gets a Puppy
Season 5
by TDR
Rarity Incinerates
[The Moss Pit. Canterlot's premier concert venue.]
Rahs had been surprised that there was a club in one of the few heavily forested areas of Canterlot. He was even more surprised at the type of music played here. The heavy bass made his stomach rumble as the mass of ponies milled around and danced to the flashing strobe lights and lasers flying everywhere.
In a clearing under roof well hidden in the canopy was a dance floor and a massive DJ booth where a familiar white unicorn mare with a blue mane and tail, and who was still wearing sunglasses at night, kept the music going.
Rahs hadn't known what to expect, though the seafood dinner prepared by a sea pony had been rather impressive, though he had never had anything that was cooked over a geothermal vent under millions of gallons of salt water. It was a decidedly different taste.
Rahs wasn't too sure what brought on Aria's interest in him, though to be fair he was only vaguely aware of the interest of some of the others, mostly Jynx and Applejack to be honest, and maybe Trixie, though Saturnia and Sunset confused him, but they were interested and he didn't see why he shouldn't humor Aria as he did them.
Granted he wasn't sure why they hadn't given up and judging by his own comment from the future Aria didn't either.
One of these days he would learn how to say no to a pretty girl asking him out.
Aria was in her pony form and some how managed to make herself look even more 'punk' as Sunset had called it.
He wasn't sure what 'punk' was, though Pinkie had told him 'Punk was anything that annoyed those in charge'. Given how Aria's mom reacted to half of what she did, Aria was very punk then.
The dance floor was crowded with ponies, griffons and a few other creatures, he wouldn't call what they were doing dancing, more spazing to the music, but he could see some rhythm here and there.
“Well then, it's busier than I expected when Vinyl told me about this place.” Aria half shouted half whispered.”Still impressive.”
Rahs nodded, noting the bar was made out of a massive fallen log and despite the club being outside technically, unless you looked you likely wouldn't even notice with how the trees and the few structures were placed.
“Well come on let's dance.” Aria called.
Rahs blinked at the dance floor frowning, this really wasn't his thing.
“Seriously? Don't tell me you're scared.” Aria snarked.
Rahs raised an eyebrow at her.
“Not it huh, well then maybe you just don't know how to dance?”
Rahs' eyes narrowed as Aria smirked wider, her shark like teeth giving the grin a sinister air. Joke was on her, sharp teeth didn't bother him.
Rahs snorted cracking his neck and advancing towards the dance floor offering back a fanged grin of his own.
“Challenge accepted.”
[ Ponyville, Seshat]
“ So what did Princess Celestia say?” Applejack asked adding a bit more pepper to the pork chops and applesauce she had before her on the table.
“Well the two heads of the families are going to get a bit of time to think about things in Alpacatraz. If I was a normal pony I might very well be dead, so the charge is sitting at attempted involuntary pony slaughter, which is something they had to come up with on the spot. And every other member of the family turned on the heads when confronted, saying they were the ones spurning them on to fight.”Twilight explained. “Not that Celestia believed that and she had everyone else in the family spread across Equestria in various work crews at Guard out posts. She also revoked the land grant that made that place theirs to start with. Most of the foals are going to stay with their actual parents at the places they are sent. At least after the adults recover from the maulings they received.”
“So what about tah couple?” Applejack asked.
“They are allowed to stay on the land for the time being, Princess Celestia is considering granting them the land if they can figure out a new name for their family before they get married. Neither is too thrilled with keeping their family names after all this.”Twilight shrugged eating a bit of garlic bread, the only thing close to the awesome of bacon in her mind.
“Yeah got some of my kin are gonna be headed out there soon as well. Seems tha families are both connected to tha Apples some where along tha way.” Applejack shrugged. “Princess Celestia sent Granny tha info a couple days ago and we got a few distant cousins who were looking fer somewhere new, even if it is working on land owned by someone else.”
“Well it might be given to who ever can settle it. Around those two hills is a very large bit of land that will need more than just two ponies to tend.”Twilight shrugged.”Still I'm kinda wondering why we got sent out there when all it took was some senseless violence to fix everything.”
“But you are good at that.” Seshat offered.
Twilight sighed as Applejack chuckled.
“So yah ever figure out what caused tha feud tah start with?” Applejack asked trying hard not to wolf down her meal.
“Yes.” Twilight sighed.
“And?”
“.......”
“ Twi?”
“It started as a fight between the founders on how you put a toilet paper roll on the rod .”Twilight sighed again.
Applejack stared at her a moment.
“Yer not joking.”
“No.”
[ Canterlot Royal Gardens]
“You can't do this to me!”Wind Rider stammered.
“You sent me after my mother. I should break your nose on principle for reminded me she exists, let alone that fake warning that she had done something stupid again.”Spitfire snarled, and the expression on Soarin's face could have melted stone. “Instead I'm doing what I can do to you. First off, Rainbow Dash gets your spot in the event tomorrow, second I'm revoking your record for misconduct.”
“What!?”
“The bolts have to trust one another in the air and out of it, you should know that. You trying to get rid of a promising young up and comer just to keep a stupid record spits in the face of that tenet. You are lucky you're retired or I'd throw you out completely after stripping you of any rank you've ever held for this petty bullshit.“ Spitfire growled. ”You tried to ruin another Wonderbolts reputation for your own ego, and sent me on a dangerous trek to deal with an idiot that might have led to me committing murder this time if I wasn't thinking clear enough. Don't expect another invite to fly with us ever again either. Now get the buck out of my sight before I change my mind about breaking your nose.”
Wind Rider opened his mouth to say something only for Soarin to stride up and pick him up bodily with his hooves before flinging him out the door leaving Rarity and Rainbow Dash staring after the ejected pony as the door slammed.
Wind Rider picked himself up with a growl, glaring back at the door before storming off only for a white foreleg to reach out of a side hall in the castle and yank him down it by his scarf.
“URKK!” Wind Rider gagged.
The pegasus was pushed into a spare store room of the castle, before a light formed, the glowing ball illuminating the caster. A white furred unicorn stallion with a blonde mane and blue eyes.
“Ah good. I was hoping to get a hold of you before you left the city.” Prince offered.
“Prince Blue Blood... what.. what is the meaning of this?” Wind Rider demanded.
“Oh I simply wanted to inform you of how you fucked up, well... beyond pissing off Spitfire and Soarin, I mean” Prince offered nonchalantly, buffing a hoof against his vest and inspecting it briefly before turning to regard Wind Rider as if he was a piece of dirt that might stain it.
“The mare you tried to pin a crime on is one Rainbow Dash. An Element of Harmony, Loyalty to be exact. The sole drive for her for most of her life is to be a Wonderbolt. The thing is, due to her status as a hero, she practically owns the Wonderbolts as a military branch. If she wanted to she could say 'jump' and every bolt would have to ask 'how high?' She knows this by the way and doesn't want it. She is busting her flank going through the ranks like a normal pony, and she is doing everything she can to not be seen as better than anyone else unless she earns that. She's probably arguing with Spitfire now that she doesn't deserve to take your place in the event.”
Wind Rider blinked at the explanation.
“How is that...”
“Shut up I'm not done talking.” Prince snapped. “Your attempt could have ruined everything that she has worked for all her life just for your own ego. Still even if you had succeeded Dash likely wouldn't do anything to you in repercussion. That mare is very much a hero, and those in the know would like to keep it that way, as such, there are those of us who have no issue getting our own hooves dirty to protect her. Even if I wasn't dating her.”
Wind Rider's eyes widened.
“So allow me to introduce some associates of mine who would also have no issue if I gave an order that your body should not be found.”Prince points a hoof as a figure stepped into the light.
The diamond dog is massive, even considering his kind, he would likely tower over Jynx if the two met. The gray furred brute was all muscle and covered with scars, one eye was hidden by a ragged eye patch.
“This is claws Smith. He got in trouble some time ago for tearing some ones face off and shoving it up their ass. And by that I mean their traveling partner, an ass, not their own posterior.”
Another gesture from the Prince and a smaller Griffon stepped out of the darkness. The blue green bird was wearing full leather dyed black, red, and it was studded with metal spikes, several knives hung from a belt at her waist and from a few sheathed on her forearms.
“This is Bonnie Blade. I needed some one of her skills, so I'm currently hiding her from four separate kill orders across three nations.” Prince continued as the Griffon and the Diamond Dog loomed over the pegasus.
“And this friend of mine is Crimes Malone.” Prince gestured as a nox-cal nocturne even larger than the other two and who couldn't have possibly fit in the damn door of the room loomed over all of them, the the black scales along his muzzle glittering in the mage light.
“What... what did he do...” Wind Rider questioned.
“HE? I'M A MARE MAGGOT.” The nox-cal growled in a deep baritone.
“Crimes is the worst of the lot I'm afraid. She pours the milk in the bowl before the cereal.” Prince shrugged. “ Now then... I will say this to you once. Don't let me ever see you again. Or no one will ever see you again. Understand Wind Rider?”
Prince waited for the nod before kicking the door open behind him and letting the pegasus tear out of the room at top speed.
There was a moment of silence as they listened to the crashes and cries of outrage as the pegasus fled the castle.
“Seriously boss? Shoved his face up his ass? Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep a straight face?”'Claws cackled, flicking up the eye patch showing he had both eyes.
“Oh that was easy.” 'Blade' trilled. “What killed me was 'Crimes' here and his 'I'm A MARE growl.”
“Seemed like a good idea at the time.” The nox-cal chuckled.
“In any case. Thank you for coming by on your days off. Listening to Rainbow Dash this morning when all this came to light made me suspicious enough to ask for help. I'll tell the captain to let you three off on some longer than normal shore leave some where nice.” Prince smirked.
“Sounds good. Maybe I can get 'blade' here back in a bikini again.”'Claws' grinned as the griffon blushed a little.
“Maybe if I can find that banana hammock you wore on our last vacation.”The griffon offered back getting a blush from the diamond dog.
“While appreciated boss, all of us like Dash. I think I'd rather have a invite to the wedding.”The nox-cal stated.
“Pretty sure the whole crew of the Princess Bride wants that.” 'blade' laughed.
“I haven't even proposed to her yet.” Prince yelped.
“YET!” The trio of 'goons' laughed as Prince sighed.
Update! The best time of day any day
Not going to touch that with a 39 1/2 foot pole. Also seriously I was hope he would have popped the question. Then again I can see a double date with Big Mac and Twilight and him doing it at the same time as Big Mac to get a double squeeing.
ABSOLUTLY PRICELESS You'r random humor is simply genius!
Thats a lot of help making a streaky chicken buger?
all
Unexpected update, sweet!!!
First off not gonna argue with Seshat logic there!
Second SERIOUSLY???? Those 2 families deserved everything they got & more!
Oh yeah, much better way to deal with this loser than in canon, expecting the other shoe to drop anytime now!
And there it is!
Yeah Prince, chop chop!!!
Yay! Another update - and it's a FUN one as well!
I absolutely love the bit with Blueblood at the end. I'm also surprised Wind Rider got off so easy. I expected Rahs to pop in and contribute to THAT performance.
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Damn good point! First class performance ♡
Oh this will be good~
What size cement horseshoe do you wear?
I like her already
yet
The better question is what is holding him back for doing this.
“Crimes is the worst of the lot I'm afraid. She pours the milk in the bowl before the cereal.”
I do believe that was banned unilaterally at the Geneighva Conference as one of the unforgivable War Crimes.
Still one of my favorite versions of Blueblood, and this is why.
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That kind of crime is right up there with “wearing socks with sandals” in terms of barbarity!
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That's just being lazy. Although Rarity would be handing out the torches and pitchforks as she gathers a mob against such Crimes Against Fabulocity. I bet she also has an agenda against Crocs-- it's a moral imperative!
Simple solution to this bit of stupid, just do what I do and use a vertical holder. Never have this argument again because there's no longer a "side" to argue over.
Heh, that was quite fun.
Oh yeah, this version of Spitfire's mother...right, Scootaloo...hoo boy, yeah. Wind Rider is lucky to still have his skin.
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I can't for the life of me remember what Spitfires and Scoots relation is in this fic
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Spitfire and Soarin are Scootaloo's parents. Scootaloo's psychological block from flying was because Spitfire's mom tossed her off the clouds to try and make her fly. Spitfire very nearly killed her over that, and said parent was shuffled off somewhere to never be heard from again.
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A nursing home near Stalliongrad.
We'll go with that
Depends on HOW it's made
Really?
It took THAT MUCH?
That whole thing with Prince and Wind was EPIC
11089522 Mother\daughter
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It was either that or a cell in Alpacatraz, guess which one the bitch chose.
That bit about Bonnie Blade’s attire made me think she was from the Dark Brotherhood… I have been playing too much Skyrim lately.
I read this chapter expecting Rarity went nightmarish of some kinds and found next to nothing related to her. Should I call this a tourist trap?
I keep forgetting fandom wise dash technically owns the bolts but works for her rank. Also prince just went up to chaotic good in my books keep it up and hed make a great lawfully evil character. Ooooo rahas could make a play of prince going evil with dash trying to talk sense into him/ fighting him leading ta impromptu marriage proposal
Loved that last bit with the three 'criminals'. Pure comedy!
Not likely
She's not wrong
*long gasp* no, say it ain't so
I am the "goons" in this scene
And despite this chapter being named "Rarity Incinerates", the mare herself wasn't even mentioned
11089603
You can do that?
I see Prince Blueblood took a page out of the Mr. Burns etiquette, preferring the personal hands on approach of hired goons. (Hopefully they make a return in this role.)
Ha! This chapter was glorious! Good stuff.
The bit at the end was a very good touch.
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Rarity was mentioned. Once. It was just her part was pretty much canon so i saw no reason to rehash it
"She pours the milk in the bowl before the cereal."
Oh, the HORROR!!!!!1!!!!!
Hehe, 621 likes. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Great chapter, no comment on the investigation as that was canon, but Wind Rider is bucking dead.
YET
Fuckin Crimes Johnson
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I would say the argument turns into "Which is better having it point clockwise or counterclockwise"?
You just literally changed the argument 180°.
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At least it isn't as heinous as the jaywalkers.
11089506
It's no longer front or back, but now left or right.
Surprisingly, the answer depends upon whether the toilet paper is perforated or unperforated. No, I’m not joking. The earliest patent for a toilet paper holder is one for use with unperforated paper:
i.imgur.com/xLGHGPu.jpg
Notice how the paper roll has the sheet coming off the top towards the rear so that wraps under the roll and then over the bar in front to put the sheet under tension when pulled for the serrated cutting blade. But then — just three years later — comes the patent of the holder for the perforated toilet paper we’re more familiar with:
i.imgur.com/1YmwlW7.jpg
This shows the paper roll with the sheet coming off the top towards the front. Now, you can argue which way the roll is placed is more hygienic or aesthetically pleasing, but this is about the earliest documentation you’re ever going to find regarding what the inventors had in mind.
So now you know — and knowing is half the battle!
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“CLOCKWISE!”
“COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!”
“CLOCKWISE!”
“COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!”
11089603
Immortal demon horse ablity to kill and guards look away sounds like a good time with princess celestia and celly
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You missed out on sombra also threatening on raritys behalf
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More like 90°!
Why did this make me giggle like a total loon?
To be fair, it is a legitimate argument. Just like pineapple on pizza.
Seems no one else realized that you made a “Welcome to the Crime Gang” meme right there at the end.
Its good to have friends
It is awesome to have badass friends
the most epicly dumb shit reason to start a fight think we can get the ones that kept the shit going this long lobotomies cause they are to stupid to keep from giving others around them contact dumbass syndrome
They behaved a lot more civilized than one should expect in the timeline. Great chapter 👍
Well the second time Aria and her sisters came to Ponyville you rather casually helped her when she dropped a tool and then assisted her with the loudspeaker she was working on.
After that was finished you gave her a compliment.
The next time you met you not only proved you are actually a noble guy that could fight but also that you were polite enough to not grope her when you 'accidentally' touched her chest... you also showed her that you are, in fact, really hot.
The next time you met you saved her, her younger sister and tried to save her older sister, who was mindcontrolling several people with the intent to hurt you and your friends.
You then also protected them from a god.
........yeah I can't possibly imagine why she has any interest in you
I don't quite recall the details, but was Spitfire's mother the one who traumatized Scootaloo by throwing her of the clouds when she was younger?