After turning to the dark side Jedi master Twilight Sparkle begins hunting jedi in service of the sith. When she is confronted by her fellow council members and friends will she choose to return to them, will she be able to break out of the dark chains that now bind her.
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More please
There. MUST. Be. A. Sequel. Too good of a story.
more please
Excellent story keep up the good work
Could you make the chapters longer please?
Before I read this, I must know: We do get told why and how Twilight fell to the Dark Side, right?
Duel of fates?
SEND IN THE DALADAS!
Well, I'll offer some constructive criticism to start, but my main piece of advice is that it's better to write than not to write, so you've already made good progress :) Also I'm a big fan of Amante's Duel of the Fates and there's also a Fimfiction group for it, so feel free to add your story.
Starting your story in the middle of the action like this is not necessarily a bad thing. In writing, restricting the information available to your reader can be a powerful tool for getting them to feel a certain way, for example. However, in this case, it took me some moments to realize that Sunset is referring to her past as a Dark Side user - and even then, I only understood because I've seen the animation on which this is based. Any reader who hasn't may already be lost at this point.
This is the first time Rarity is mentioned and we haven't had any chance to understand who she is, why she's here, if she's friend or foe, if Sunset knew she was here, etc. As before, you don't have to spell it out word-for-word, but a little context would be nice just to understand the situation.
The way I'd do it, for example, is to have Sunset suddenly realize that she has her lightsaber out and attacking, but to be confused as how it happened, maybe even embarrassed. That way, we empathize with Sunset, since we have as little information as she does - and Rarity suddenly being there is just as disjointing for her as it is for us. That way, the narrative matches the mood.
Prior to this it seemed like Sunset was exploring an empty temple that she'd never seen before. Now, we've found there's a person here. Is Sunset surprised by this? Did she expect to find anyone here? Remember that a written fic is not a movie - you can do more than just say what's happening on the "screen". I'd love to know how Sunset feels about this.
This is the first time we have met Master Twilight Sparkle and aside from her being a super powerful Dark Side user, we know nothing about her. We don't know if Sunset and Rarity know who she is, for example. We don't know if she knew Sunset was here, if she was expecting them, how she feels about seeing them, etc. We know Sunset and Rarity are "shocked", but we don't know why. Is it important for us to know why?
It's good to know that the situation is clear to them (it helps me understand their motivation), but it's still not clear to me, so I'm not really in the moment with the Jedi here.
I liked this cut from furious action to calmness - it feels very cinematic and that actually works here, since we understand that Sunset is fighting for her life and is in danger right now. The juxtaposition between these two emotions creates a jarring sense of tension, and also gives the reader a bit of a break.
"Applejack" is one word.
Referring to "the ship" with the definite article doesn't make sense here because we didn't know up until this point that there even was a ship, let alone the ship. We are unfamiliar with it and so it shouldn't be referred to as if we are.
This sentence is a comma splice - you've used a comma to separate what should be two different sentences. Also, the first part is in past tense, but the second part is in present tense. You can't switch tenses during a story without a very good reason. I recommend sticking to past tense at all times.
Why no dialogue? I know why there's no dialogue in the original animation, but this is a fic and you have much more freedom. It's good to know that they're concerned, but why? Do they want to talk about it? Can we learn anything from them? This is a great chance for us to get to know the characters - and the more we know about them, the more invested we can be in their fight.
I liked this. It shows that Dash is perhaps not as careful as her friends, and that despite entering as an organized group, they are not the cohesive unit one might expect. Even if they're all Jedi, they are not a rigid military unit. And it's communicated visually in a single line. Good storytelling.
Firstly, it's "altar" - secondly, I thought Dash had rushed ahead? Now it seems like she and AJ are going in together. If there was some coordination between them that happened afterward, we didn't see it.
Who? Logically it must be either Dash or Applejack, but it seems odd that this specific detail is now left out. Is the story telling us it doesn't matter?
The rest of the chapter is merely a description of things that are happening, which isn't very exciting - it's a bit like reading a plot synopsis of a movie that we can't watch. Again, written stories are not film - visual spectacle can be interesting, but it can't carry a story by itself. But you have something far more powerful to compensate - your readers can experience the story through your characters in a way that's not possible in other media.
10769294
Thank you for the advice I will do my best to apply it to these and future chapters.
10768807
Dadadalada dadadalada
10768721
Yes, I'm doing my best to merge MLP and star wars lore while keeping them both as close to canon as possible.
10769756
*boop*
Wait a minute.
You took this from YouTube, didn't you?
Maybe because you want to continue where the YouTuber who made the animation for this stopped?
10778741
Yes
Also because Star Wars
Why did turning to the Dark Side change Twilight's appearance?
10778741
Link?
11168698
What do you mean?
11168839
Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2WQ_WvlUi0