- Member Since 22nd Oct, 2020
- offline last seen April 11th
Phase88
"You think you have cornered Pinkie, but she has planned for an emergency! Pinkie deploys the liferaft!" Only posting completed oneshots.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Congrats on getting this out!
Stoked to read it!
~ Yr. Pal, B
What a read! The two adolescently being into each other is a nice change in dynamic.
Good prose and kinky beats allow this story to feel complete. Your descriptions varied at times. But then you had gems like this:
Starry skies within her eyes is great! However, at times, you hit the gong one too many times; the constant difference in size should be subtly implied. You use giant and big and great one too many times, and those adjectives start to lose their punch! But none of that matters because this story was kinky and lovely—and that's all these stories need to be...
...and it's not like I could write anything better!
Hope you keep writing.
~ Yr. Pal, B
11053142
Thank you! I will probably be making a post about upcoming story ideas soon bc I have quite a few that I want to put into words.
Overuse of adjectives was one of my main problems when I started writing this, so I did my best to fix it up with more creative use of words. Some probably still slipped through, but hopefully future stories will have less of that now that I have a better idea of what I'm doing.
11053219
Glad to hear it!
Also, you don't have to, but the 'Her' in the title should be capitalized.
Intriguing start, I've recorded myself reading it and will get to editing it soon :).
Recorded, oooh, I can think of some fun stuff to do sound effect wise for this chapter!
It's really clear how much care and work went into this story, I hope to see you writing more! :)
I'll admit that I cheated and skipped to this part first, and I'm not sorry. The detail was simply sublime, painting a picture with a level of sophistication beyond simply dark, wet, and warm, which I confess to doing too often when writing similar scenes. I'm probably gonna favorite this one as a reference for later.
This needs a sequel with unbirthing.