A Lack of Color

by Not Enough Coffee

A Reason To Stay

Berry Punch clocked out from her shift, sighing as the weight of another work day began to slide off her withers. She looked down the hallway towards the kitchen, her muzzle scrunching in annoyance.

I think I’ll take the back door today.

Exiting to the room off to the left, she reached a hoof out to twist the doorknob, when it suddenly opened, Berry’s heart sinking as she saw a co-worker of hers trot in.

“Hey, Berry!” The beige stallion said with a smile on his face. Though it quickly turned to concern as he gazed upon Berry’s unamused visage. “Rough day, huh?”

“Something like that.” she replied, trying to step past the stallion. Though, he was a good deal larger than her, and the exit to freedom was blocked by his form.

“Gonna have another drink tonight down at The Prancing Pony?” He asked, eyebrow raised, prying into business not his own.

“I don’t know… Can I go now?” Berry grumbled, trying to squeeze past the stallion.

With a nod barely hiding his annoyance, the stallion stepped off to the side to let her go free. “Just don’t get too smashed, alright? Somepony’s gotta open the store tomorrow after all.”

“Lucky me…”

Berry made her way out of the building, shaking off the dreaded sensation of being in her workplace.

---

Berry Punch trotted slowly across time, her mind swimming hazily from thought to thought.

What does he know about me! I’m not always drinking, I just need a little pick me up from time to time.

...

I mean, can you blame me! Work is a nightmare! There’s barely enough ponies working there to keep it running! If he even had a single shred of awareness in the world, he’d be drinking too…

Berry sighed, kicking at the pebbles at the ground.

I really could use a drink… I just want to forget today and move onto the next. Berry growled in frustration. Oh, shut up! You always say that... Forget today. Tomorrow will come soon enough, and you can start over from scratch.

Berry felt a squirming sensation make its way across her, crawling through her skin, taking roots within every part of her body. Yet, when she felt herself over, there was nothing to be found.

Whatever, I’ll just have a few and head home.

After another moment of making her way across town, Berry looked up to see a familiar site. One that was too familiar to her some ponies would say, but what does it matter what they thought? They didn’t know her, nor did any of the townsponies bother to try and understand her.

Berry gazed solemnly at the sign attached to the front of the tavern.

NOW HIRING

For a brief moment in time Berry Punch smiled to herself. It didn’t last long, however, as she shook her head, letting the familiar weight of her sober frown take control once more.

You’d just get fired for being drunk on the job.

She took a few steps forward, each one lifting a piece of her away. One by one, the pieces of herself began to leave her behind as she felt herself being drawn yet again into The Prancing Pony’s allure.

As Berry Punch made her way up to the front door, she noticed her reflection gaze back at her. Though, something was amiss. Her eyes were slanted, body twisted and stretched in unnatural angles, and her frown seemed to elongate and grow in size the closer and closer she got to it. She reached a hoof up and touched her face, yet it felt the same as always.

She shivered, despite the summer air.

As she took a step back, it was as if her reflection took one forward, beckoning her to do the same. She did, and once again that frown grew in length and size, ensnaring her in its depression. She took two more steps back, the reflection taking more and more forward.

But it was too late, she was already down the street, far, far away from the establishment.

I’m so disgusting…

---

Berry Punch closed the door behind her, breathing deeply in and letting it out shortly after. She leaned back against the door, slowly sliding down until she was sitting in front of it, her back yet still facing away from her vices.

She took her face into her hooves, rubbing her temples round and round and round with the tired limbs. She felt the weight begin to press onto her withers once more, this time even stronger than before, and she wasn’t even slaving away at work anymore.

Her mouth was still dry.

Getting up, with a great deal of effort, she made her way to the kitchen. Berry opened up her fridge, the light coming from it the wonky source of brightness in her world as she stared longingly for a drink.

Yet it was empty, save a few items: A carton of milk, some leftover casserole, and an assortment of veggies for sandwiches.

Berry grumbled, closing the fridge and opening up her cupboard to grab a cup to get some water from the tap. A moment later she chugged a couple cups worth of water, the dryness of her mouth leaving ever so slightly. It still felt like it was missing something vital.

Sighing, she stood in the dark of her kitchen, staring longingly yet again at the fridge.

Maybe I didn’t look hard enough? Maybe there is some at the bottom I missed?

Berry rapidly shook her head. “Get a hold of yourself!” She yelled out loud to nopony but herself. The sensations from before were taking root yet again, as her blood began to fight against her, making Berry feel sick within her own skin.

“Just get a hold of yourself…”

Suddenly Berry squented to look at the clock on the wall, and it read half past ten. She gasped.

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Berry stumbled up the stairs, nearly losing balance on the way to the top. She hastily opened her restroom door, making her way over to her shower. She tried to twist the cold water knob, but it slipped out from under her hooves several times before success. The same went for the hot water knob. Anxiously, she paced back and forth, testing the water with an extended hoof over and over until it was warm enough for her to step in.

She reached down to grab hold of her shampoo with her mouth, but she ended up just knocking it down to the floor with her snout. She rapidly tried to grab it again, this time getting hold of it, and squeezing it between her teeth to let the substance within fall onto one of her hooves.

After all of her struggles, with shaky hooves, she was finally able to scrub herself down.

It felt great, the warm water hitting her body over and over, once again washing away the weight that began to lay itself upon her withers.

Celestia, I needed this. She mentally cooed, losing herself as she began to feel her worries wash away. Though Berry couldn’t let herself enjoy it for long. She finished up as quickly as possible, stepping out, drying off, and looking into the fogged mirror.

Looking into a fogged mirror…

She used a hoof to wipe the fog away, looking back at her reflection again.

Were my eyes always so dark and pronounced? Berry Punch moved her face closer to the mirror. And are those wrinkles? She once again rubbed a hoof across her face, yet it did nothing to hide her imperfections.

I’m only twenty-eight...

Sighing, she made her way out of the restroom and to her bedroom, which was empty.

It didn’t use to be this way.

Berry Punch got into bed, settling the covers over herself to try and get comfortable. Despite its warmth, it missed going further than skin deep. She tried to close her eyes. No matter her best efforts, she just couldn’t keep them shut. Berry felt that somepony was holding them open, forcing her to dread the upcoming morning, as she lost more and more time to sleeplessness.

Her gaze fell on the counter beside her bed, a single notebook on top next to a picture frame.

Is today the day? Berry asked herself. She stared more and more, time seeming to stop as she kept her gaze fixed to the notebook on her counter.

Sitting up, she stretched her forelimbs and yawned. Collecting herself she looked at the notebook once more. Yes. You know what Berry? I think it is.

Sitting up, she reached over and grabbed her notebook. Her tell flicked off to the side, and carefully took the pencil out from the spiral binding. She hesitated to open the notebook, her hoof hovering over the cover for a moment before she took a deep breath to steel her nerves.

Opening it up, she had to turn over the remains of many pages that were ripped over their binding to get to the first blank page.

How many times now have you thought of this? She asked herself. How many times is it going to be before you just end it all and write this down? You’ll no longer go thirsty, you’ll no longer slave away for ponies you dislike.

You’ll no longer have to live with Berry Punch ever again. You’ll never have to hurt her, tear her apart from the inside and brutalize everything that made her great before you came along.

Berry put the pencil to paper and began to write.

If you’re reading this, then I promise I’m already dead. I don’t want you feeling sorry for me, because I don’t even feel sorry for myself. I’m not Berry Punch, I’m a broken shell of something that used to be a pony. I’m no longer equine.

I used to think that I’d find answers at the bottom of a bottle, as the old saying used to go, and for a while there I was happy. Or at least I thought I was? Considering I’m writing here now, I’m sure it was just a lie I told Berry to keep her from ending it sooner.

I’m not Berry Punch because I’m too weak to be her, too empty and fragile to even be a shadow of her former self.

I don’t even bother to eat or sleep. I can’t keep Berry living like this. I wish more than anything I could change that, but I’m in no position to make that a reality. Or, at the very least, I do not have it within me to see that pony have a life she clearly deserves.

Berry used to have a family, she used to be so happy and full of life and I took that from her. I pushed her friends away, and I burned away what family she had. The only thing she has left is me, and I can no longer live with that. Berry Punch is consumed by her vices, mentally unstable, and I only have myself to blame.

Don’t you fucking dare take pity on me. I’m not worth it. Berry, or at least what she used to be, is worth it, but I’m not. Just know that she is no longer going to suffer when I rid myself from her life.

Berry was about to write another word when a tear slipped out, landing on the words she was writing, startling her. It smudged a few of the words she wrote, tainting them further with herself. The metallic taste of the end of the pencil slowly vanished from her taste buds, replaced with nothing as the pencil fell onto her bed.

She slammed a hoof on top of her head, beating herself silly as she felt she didn’t deserve the tears.

After letting most of the emotion flow out of her, Berry took a moment to collect herself and set the notebook back on the counter. She rubbed the cover lightly, and reached her head down to plant a kiss on its cover. It can be laid to rest another time. The words were there to stay, not to be tossed aside like yesterday's garbage.

I can add more to it tomorrow. There’s always the next day. This one just isn’t good enough...

Before Berry leaned herself back into bed, she grabbed hold of the picture frame sitting next to her notebook. There was a little unicorn filly within, filled with joy, and looking too much like her mother for her own good.

Berry Punch caressed the picture of Ruby Pinch. She thought it was gone, Berry thought all the tears she had to let go tonight were gone, but they came back in full.

There was always tomorrow.

Author's Note:

Yeah, this was a pretty messed up one. I actually almost didn't publish it, because of the content it contains. But, well, I decided to go through with it anyway.

Now for the real messed up part. This is partly inspired by the times when I was working, when I was so sick of myself and depressed, that I would think longingly of going home to write a suicide note for the hell of it. I'd fanaticize about what I'd put in there, what it'd be like once I was gone, and how I just wanted to cease existence.

Which isn't healthy, it's so far from healthy, and it's a good thing I never went through and wrote that...

But I did write this, and this is similar enough where I am unsure this is healthy, but I needed to let it out. It was a compulsion, and it had control of the drivers seat.

My boyfriend and I found a therapist that'd work for me, and I am going to seek the help I clearly need. To anyone in a similar place as me, I highly encourage you do the same.

Here is the national suicide prevention hotline, for those of you who may need it: 800-273-8255

Story title was based on this song:

Comments

[FamousLastWords]

Yoooooo. Always a good time.

[Ice Star]

Gut-wrenching and evocative stuff. I don’t think glad is the right word to use when you asked me to edit this, considering the subject matter. Still, there wasn’t any way I was going to say no to helping you out. 🖤

10931308
I dunno man, this story is clearly about somepony having a berry bad time.

[Not Enough Coffee]

10931328
I'm incredibly happy to have you along for the ride with me. 💜

[Ice Star]

10931330
Joke’s on you, I’m even happier to join you. Get dabbed on. 🖤

[Waypoint]

Good story as always man. I'm also glad to hear you're in a better place now too.

[Jack of a Few Trades]

Damn bro, that was some heavy stuff. I could really see a lot of reflections of what I know of you in the writing. Very cathartic, and very real. I'm really glad you're getting the help you need.

And of course, if you ever need to talk about literally anything, my DMs are always open :)

[Not Enough Coffee]

10931371

And of course, if you ever need to talk about literally anything, my DMs are always open :)

I might just take you up on that, broski. Thanks for stopping by and reading my depression horses.

[Copper Cogwheel]

Nice to know my experience with suicidal thoughts wasn't as unusual as I thought. Glad you're getting help from an actual person. I'm broke, so I have to rely on my cat. She's great, but a psychologist she is most definitely not.
Be safe, and know that my giant floofball cat Luna supports your life choices.

[Not Enough Coffee]

10932492
Thanks! I hope things on your end go well as well. Also, tell Luna I said thanks as well, and give them pets.

[Alondro]

Berry Punch has finally had enough of people making her out to be a total lush.

She's only a MODERATE drinker! Not a Critical Drinker!

That's all I have to say for today. GO AWAY NOW!

[cicero2]

Good story man extremely grateful and accommodating that you will compose a lot more posts like this one.

My Balance Now

[Thesmokinguy]

I have been meaning to comment on this for some time now since its release, and it hasn't been until yesterday when i decided to do it. Was the perfect time, after all.

“Stories about ponies are stories about people”, probably the most quoted status on fimfiction, applies perfectly here. This fic goes beyond the common surface characterization of  berry punch as an alcoholic to use it as a resource to tell a story about something many of us are familiar with, and even relate to, as unfortunate as it is. And it goes deeper than that.

Berry punch is pretty much trapped in a loop of making mistakes, regretting them, hoping the next day will be different, only to repeat the same mistakes. She has this false sense of hope and “optimism” that tomorrow will be better, but it never is. And when she has the chance to be free of the chains of routine, she doesn't allow herself to, as if she felt she didn't deserve it. Because deep down she knows her problems will follow her everywhere she goes. Because she is her own problem.

The closer she gets to the tavern, to give in to her vices, the more her real/former self, who she used to be, drifts away, until she stands in front of the door and is disgusted to see what she has become: an unrecognizable and twisted version of herself, yet the same pony at the same time. This is the moment she realizes, and slowly walks away from the establishment. I found the choice of words here interesting, as the pony on her reflection seems to approach closer every step back she takes. This I interpreted was her trying to escape the pony she has become, while the latter attempts to get her to give in. Always fascinating when authors use symbolism so closely with storytelling, and moreover when it is so subtle. 
Honestly the usage of metaphors here along with her state of drunkenness conveys this “trippy” sensation, like her perception of reality is completely distorted. There's a clear contrast on how she sees herself when drunk and later after the shower, being the latter a more realistic perception than the deformed imagery of the former.

At this point it has gotten so bad, that berry punch has dissociated herself, from her current self, following the trend of the symbolism above. She is quite literally her worst enemy. The contents of the suicide letter almost looks like a crime confession. The entire story builds up to this heart wrenching letter, letter that on a closer look follows almost the same structure as the chapter up to this point, beginning with her holding onto the false hope that drinking will help her forget the bad days, to her divorcing berry punch from herself, and finally to her daily struggles at sleeping, or even basic needs like eating or showering. This is her life now. There's no escape. Except one.

But then she breaks down in tears, letting it all out. Is almost a catharsis, after putting everything she had been feeling into words. She cannot bring herself to do it. In a way this has helped her, even if not in a healthy way to cope with her struggle. And as she puts it back on the counter, it ends in a seemingly truly hopeful note, thus coming full circle:

Theres always tomorrow

No alcohol this time to forget this happened, but rather her way of saying “not today”, and having the strength to live to see another day.

---

Is not a coincidence I decided to write this comment on this particular story a day after your birthday, delay that I apologize for. I know enough of the circumstances that led to the creation of this story to sincerely say this:

Is your 23rd birthday, and you are still here because you had the strength to go on. Congratulations. This is the best gift you could have given yourself on a day like this. And is truly a happy day as you are here to celebrate it with us.

Happy birthday Not enough coffee.

Please carry on.

[Not Enough Coffee]

11052487
Fucking A, broski. You pretty much nailed a lot of how I layered this story with this comment. Ngl, it's always a nervous feeling getting comments like this sometimes, since there is a lot to take in, but this was truly a wonderful gift and I am incredibly thankful for you time and words that went into composing this comment.

I am indeed twenty-three now and still kicking, which has to count for something I hope.

[Thesmokinguy]

11053303
My pleasure, there was so much to unpack here. Was something i was meaning to do for some time now
Happy to hear you are indeed 23 now as i wasnt sure i got your age right lol
But in all seriousness
Thanks for writing this. Really.
And now go and enjoy being a 23 old fart

[Not Enough Coffee]

11053314

And now go and enjoy being a 23 old fart

Will do, Squirt!