The Great and Delicate Trixie

by DogSomeOre

Ch. 13 - Time worth forgetting

The warmth of a bed is felt on Trixie's body as the covers wrap around nicely. Her long nightmare of being a filly comes to an end as she wakes up from her slumber. Birds are heard chirping outside as the morning sun moves in onto the horizon. Her eyes twitch with exhaustion as she motions herself to wake up.

"Ugh what happened?" She groans. Her head is killing her and her face feels like a fifteen pound weight is dragging her down. Trixie moves her head to the side to see that unmistakable silhouette sitting across from her. His face is hunched down and his breathing is soft. "At least he's ok." She thinks to herself.

She wants him to forget about what happened, but knows all to well that Anon won't let something like this go. He put all this work into her stage for nothing. Just for Trixie to still somehow mess up a simple performance. It's not like she hasn't done hundreds already, but this is the one she has to mess up? The thought of another embarrassment claws in Trixie's mind as another failure to add to her already miserable line up of memories.

Trixie lightly touches her human. "Anon." She says with a melancholy voice. She shakes him a little again. "Anon. Anon wake up."

His head moves slightly and his eyes flutter at the sound of her voice. Anon looks up dazed at his blue pony friend with a tired expression.

"Oh great, you're awake." Trixie says to him with relief and happiness to see her special human looking at her once again.

"I should be saying that to you." Anon replies.

His words feel like a reminder of what Trixie couldn't do. The mask that she's tried so hard to keep on has seemingly lost it's edges that made it whole. She's afraid for the mask to fall off; for him to see that she isn't that 'Great and Powerful' pony she portrays herself as. The fear of being that lonely, pathetic mare that hides away deep within her mind is something no one should have to see.

Trixie looks to the floor at Anon's words, guilt setting in as her pride is diminished into a vulnerable, sad unicorn that can't bare to look him in the eye.

"What happened Trixie? I thought everything was fine. I mean you passed out on the stage floor and had everyone worried."

She remains at a still; not wanting to think or even form a sentence to Anon. What would she say? That she's too much of a coward to do anything right? That whatever challenges life throws at her, she'll always find a way to mess them up? It's a side she never wanted Anon to see. She wants him to think of her as a brave mare who isn't scared of anything, not some disheveled waste with bruises and scars left inside.

He continues. "Not to mention all your friends that were also probably really looking forward to your performance."

Another needle felt it's way poking at Trixie's heart with those words. Friends are what she's always wanted to have, some comfort to help guide her through treacherous times, or to maybe share a joke with. The reality of it all is she'd been the only support she'd ever have, it's how it's always been, it's what she's come used to. No friends to cherish or have fun parties with, no one to ever lead her to the right direction, her mind had formed this loneliness that was eating away at her to a bond that she'd only share with herself.

"....It's fine though. We can just schedule it again for next week. I'm sure if we tell them it just wasn't a good day they'll-"

"No Anon." Trixie cuts him off with a low voice that has finally shown itself with sincerity and sadness. Her usual act of pretending like everything is fine has no effect here, her mind is too heavy to think properly and her brain is all mush of the devilish thoughts that always find its way to torture her. All she thinks is why. Why couldn't she just do the one thing she's built a life upon, to act like everything was fine and give Anon, her best and only friend, a performance like no other; only to collapse like dominoes at the overwhelming appearance of being on stage where her first show turned to a flop.

"I can't. I've never been able to do anything right, I wouldn't be able to start now." Trixie states, her mask slipping off further and further with every sentence she musters.

"Trixie, what do you mean?" Anon questions, confusion and worry traveling with his voice.

"just stop prying." Her mind wants to tell him. "Stop caring about me. There's nothing to me Anon. I'm a pathetic excuse for a magician, let alone a unicorn. So please." Of course, none of this escapes her lips because her pride, no, the fear of vulnerability, is just to much for her.

She notices that Anon won't take silence as an answer as he sits there worryingly, just waiting for her to say the response that is trapped inside her throat. But Trixie has to say something, anything, for Anon to not worry about her; but at this point, what lies can she still come up with.

"I can't... tell you. I can't tell you because I don't...." She's halted in her words as they struggle to find a baring to leave her mouth. She knows what she wants to say, but no way of how to say it. In her mind she thinks. "I can't tell you because I don't want to lose you." There it is, the sentence that carries so much weight to her. She cares so much about Anon and she never wanted to. The pain and agony that comes with losing someone you care about is something Trixie never wanted to face, yet alas she's staring that someone that she only dreamt would be by her side right in the eyes. The feelings she has toward him are nothing short of confusing yet wonderful.

He bandaged her scraps, he stayed by her when she fell and collapsed with the diamond dog chasing them, even if it put his life at risk, he cared about her. Bringing her back to her wagon, fixing up the window, showing empathy and care at her breaking point. He was always there no matter what. A disgustingly beautiful knot ties in her stomach every time he just so as looks in her direction. She cares about him more then anything in the world, and he doesn't even know it.

"Trixie, come on. You can tell me anything, I'm your friend, remember?" A slight crack is heard in his last word as if she'd forgotten. Oh poor, naive Anon, if only you knew the lengths Trixie would go just to be able to breathe the same air as you for a second longer.

Seconds turn into minutes as Trixie wishes for everything to just return to how it was before. If she'd just perform like she was supposed to, this agonizing moment would cease to exist, but reality is something Trixie has been hit with time and time again.

"I need to be alone." Finally something comes out of her mouth as she still looks to the floor, ashamed of the personality she actually has.

"But Trixie-"

"Please Anon." As on que, she knew he would try to say anything to challenge her words. The robotic nature at which she speaks, is brief and to the point, she doesn't want anyone to see her, if ever again.

Anon slightly opens his mouth but clamps it shut as if he thinks anything he says would just make the situation worse. He gets up slowly and starts for the door, she doesn't want him to leave her again but she's too afraid to speak anything. His footsteps are heard through Trixie's ears as she stares blankly at the floor.

The closing of the door hurts Trixie's heart. "I'm hurting so bad Anon, please don't leave me. You mean the world to me, you're so special to me, I haven't the right words to say what my feelings are. Anon, I think I-"

Her thoughts cut her off as she switches moods. A cold, dead-like feeling shoves it's way into Trixie's soul as she's reminded once again that nobody has ever been there for her. Nobody, except him.

How dumb could she be? Letting someone get that close to her, to open up to something not even from the same species as her. She let someone in and the consequences are set in full force, the overwhelming sadness to lose something like that...

That's why she has to go, run away from it all. Go far away from her past mistakes and start anew, how could she though? Her whole passion was to make creatures smile and see things they'd never even dream of seeing, so how could she change course so dramatically?

If she never followed this silly childish fantasy of hers, then her parents would actually love her, she'd have plenty of ponies that'd respect her. If she only followed the path in front of her and not what was in her heart, then everything would have worked out differently. Maybe she would actually find some pony to love?

Her wagon stays as silent as it ever has and her mind stays as broken as it ever was. Trixie knows what she has to do, but doesn't know if she has the will to do it. She packs up her things and heads to greener pastures. If she can't do anything right, then what's stopping her from what's left.