Why?
0600 Hours:
Outpost 13
RING-RING-RING-RING-RI--SMASH.
Corporal Plucky Guess lifted his armored hoof off the remains of his alarm clock, his sixth one since he had been assigned to this Faust-forsaken place. It wouldn’t be the last.
He never liked this one in particular, anyway. It was clearly a case of false advertising --- it didn’t wake you up, it made you want to fall back to sleep out of sheer spite.
“Nice shot.”
“Five more minutes.”
“Sorry, Pluck, orders are orders.”
“And I’m your superior. Five more minutes. That’s an order.”
A sigh slipped out of the other Earth Pony stallion. “I hate to do this.” A piece of paper was shoved into Plucky’s face. “As I said, orders are orders.”
Plucky groaned and pulled the piece of paper off his face, blinking at it with bleary eyes as he read the hastily (and angrily) written scratches that he assumed were his own hoofwriting:
To Corporal Idiot-In-The-Future (this means you),
If you’re reading this, wake up at 0600 hours. No more, no less. If you demand more, remember that you have given Private Moron (the other guy probably standing next to you) a direct order to stab you in the rear with his spear (not that spear, you pervert; honestly, have some dignity...). If you resist, remember, you asked for this.
That’s a direct order from me to me. And you know what I say about orders.
Regretfully you,
Corporal Genius-From-The-Past
“I hate myself,” Plucky muttered.
“Does this mean I don’t have to stab you?”
Plucky managed to push himself off his cot and glare at the private next to his bed. “As much as it would be a blessing from the Goddess to be finally relieved from this prison due to an injury that is most certainly not self-inflicted, I quite like my body the way it is.”
“Damn, and I sharpened it and everything,” the private whined. “Just for you.”
“Watch it, Samwise,” Plucky warned.
The two stallions glared at each other before Samwise huffed and turned away. “I need to go wake up Prism. Wish me luck.”
“Why?” Plucky muttered sardonically. “I hope she bucks you out the tower window.”
“I’d actually like that, thanks,” Samwise snarked as he walked out of the room and into the corridors beyond.
As soon as he was gone, Plucky’s head hit the pillow once again, only for a pulley system to activate from the sudden pressure and open a trapdoor directly above his bed. A bucket of water then fell on his head, and he roared in indignation, sputtering and wiping water from his eyes.
A second paper fluttered from the open trapdoor, and he grabbed it, reading his own hoofwriting again:
You’re stupid, you know that, right?
Signed,
Guess Who?
“I hate my life.”
0630 Hours
With practiced efficiency --- and from having done it exactly 365 times already ---, Corporal Plucky Guess and Private Samwise Tater (now sporting a black eye) both walked out of their respective quarters and fell into step beside each other, each wearing their armor (slightly dented in Samwise’s case from the fall) and carrying their spears. No words were exchanged, but Plucky knew that they both had much to say one another. They just knew when was the best time to say it.
The two stallions stepped out into the cold morning air, shivering slightly as the warmth spell that permeated throughout the inside of the outpost faded suddenly, as if they had just walked out of the corona of the sun and into the darkest depths of the oceans in the blink of an eye. They both did a head count to three and then glanced to the left at the same time, just as an armored mare walked out of the outpost’s central tower, blinking half-lidded eyes at them.
“Morning, Pluck...morning, Sam. Sorry, Sam...” Private Prism Rain muttered, yawning.
“Morning, Prism,” Pluck droned.
“You’re forgiven, Prism,” Samwise replied.
The three of them stood in a row and, as one, marched to the wall. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t impressive, and it certainly wasn’t going to hold back anything bigger or stronger than a filly with even a half-decent amount of raw magic in her, but by Faust it was theirs, and they’d guard it.
Or something to that effect.
They each split off after a moment, walking to three separate staircases leading up to the wall. One by one they reached the top of the wall, then met up with one another in the middle, just above the rather pitiful gate --- their sole entry point and exit to the great wide world beyond.
They had lost the key to it several months ago, and hadn’t bothered to care.
By this time, Prism had already fallen to sleep again, and by sheer force of unbidden will (or just muscle memory), had still managed to take her usual position and at least look somewhat alert. Or, as alert as a sleeping Solar Guard could possibly look. Plucky, taking the middle spot, simply glared with half-hidden contempt at the world that was denied him. To his right, Samwise stifled a large yawn and leaned against his spear for support.
Still no words were uttered, but Plucky could feel them coming.
Prism, as if sensing them too, shook herself awake and looked up to face the rising sun, eyes half-lidded and a dull, expressionless look on her face.
Celestia’s sun crested over the mountaintops, and Plucky did another head count for himself.
He reached nine seconds before Samwise turned to him. “Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever wonder--”
“No, I don’t,” Plucky growled. “I never did. I have never wondered why we’re here. I have never asked myself that question, nor will I ever ask it, and neither should you. And why? Because it’s pointless! We’re here because we were told to be here. It was Captain Wall’s final order to us before they kicked us all out of Canterlot and dumped us in the middle of Bumbuck, Nowhere. And I don’t question it, because, despite what literally everypony in the Solar Guard say, I consider myself a damn good soldier, and as I always say, good soldiers follow orders. So the next time you ask me ‘do ya ever wonder why we’re here, hyuk hyuk?’, my answer will always be the same: never have, never will, and by Faust, you’ll never make me.” He glanced at Samwise. “Does that answer your question?”
“...Nope.”
Plucky hung his head and groaned. He wanted to scream, he really did, but he knew he’d only get punted off the wall for his troubles by Prism. “What is it, then?”
“Do you ever wonder...why do we need to know why the chicken crossed the road?” Samwise asked, before breaking off into a fit of laughter.
“Prism, kill me,” Plucky hissed. “Put me out of your misery.”
“Maybe later...” Prism replied, in-between snores.
“Cool, thanks, love you babe.”
“I’m into mares,” Prism reminded him with a snort.
“Believe me, we’re both...painfully aware,” Samwise grunted, looking glumly at the wall and kicking against the battlements.
There was a moment of silence, before Plucky faced Samwise with a bewildered look. “Did you just kick our wall?”
“...So what if I did?”
“You mean to tell me you managed to discover a new way to rage against this nightmare prison of ours before me?” Plucky asked again. “And that it was so absurdly simple that even Prism over there could think of it?”
“Hey, don’t bring me into this lover’s quarrel...” Prism grouched.
“Shut up, Prism,” Plucky ordered. Prism responded with a roll of her eyes.
Samwise’s eyes shifted. “...Maaaaybe?”
The two stallions stared at each other, as if expecting something more. Samwise cleared his throat. “Well?”
“Well what?”
“Don’t you have something to tell me?”
“Like?”
“That I’m a genius?”
Plucky’s ears drooped and he narrowed his eyes at his fellow guard. “Why? You kicked a friggin’ wall, dude. What, you want me to give you a Neighbel Prize? A gold cupie doll? Oh no, wait, let me guess, the Equestrian Pink Heart of Courage. Sure thing, I’ll contact Canterlot and have them ship it to you on a red velvet pillow. Prism, do you know where the gate key went?”
“Nope.”
“Weeeeell, shucks!” Plucky finished, swinging his free hoof in the air. “There goes that plan.”
“You don’t have to be so mean about it,” Samwise remarked.
“When you get to be my age and advanced rank, you can get to be a lot of things.”
“Okay, first of all, we’re the exact same age, minus two days,” said Samwise. “Second, you’re a corporal. I could’ve been one if the Captain took a few of my suggestions to heart.”
“Sick Day Saturdays was never going to work, Sam,” Prism pointed out. “Catchy name, though.”
“What about--”
“Nor was planting roses around the outer castle walls to attract bees so that when enemies come they get stung,” said Plucky. “Winter and autumn are a thing, remember.”
Samwise sniffed and turned aside. “It was a good idea...”
“It was, and then it made its way into your head,” Plucky deadpanned.
“Screw you.”
“Screw you!”
“Screw you both!”
“Screw you, Prism!”
“What time is it?”
“Screw y--huh?” Plucky paused, blinking. “Oh, um...let me check here...” He glanced down at a small watch on his left fetlock. “...Oh-seven-hundred,” he replied.
“Great, just seventeen hours left,” Prism remarked.
“Joy to the world.”
Silence once again fell upon the trio, and the sun continued to rise. Finally, Samwise spoke up again. “But seriously, why do we need to know why the chicken crossed the road?”
This time Plucky did scream.
0800 Hours
Plucky and Samwise returned to the wall, both sporting bandages over their backs. Plucky had earned his from being rammed in the side by Prism after he had screamed, and Samwise had earned his by becoming Plucky’s unwitting “fall guy”. Thus, after taking a tumble off the wall (unluckily for both of them, inside the base) and slowly making their way to the infirmary, they vowed to stand further away from Prism from now on, which they were now doing.
Prism, naturally, began the daily blame game. “This is all on you two, you know that right?”
Plucky rolled his eyes. “How the heck is this--” he pointed to his back, “--our fault?”
“We’ve been stuck in this place for a year!” Prism cried. “You should know by now that loud noises make me jumpy. So yes, this is entirely your guys’ fault!”
“How did you ever survive basic training?” Plucky asked. “The field phase has artillery simulations, for Faust’s sake!”
“I used ear plugs, okay?”
“No wonder why your section kept getting in trouble, you kept sleeping through the stand-to’s at the FOB.”
“Hey, I still made it!”
“We’ve been here a year...” Samwise suddenly said, stopping the argument in its tracks.
Prism and Plucky glanced at him, then at each other. Samwise continued, “It has been exactly one year to the day since we’ve come to this dump. And we’re still the only ones here!”
Prism actually gulped. “Ya know, I never really gave it that much thought. Did they...abandon us?”
Plucky face-hooved. “By Celestia, you two...of course they did! You two are the worst of the worst of the Solar Guard! And I’m...marginally less worse.”
Samwise scowled. “What makes you say that?”
“They promoted me.”
“We all know they only did that because putting three Earth Pony privates in this place would never work. At least having a corporal would give us some form of chain of command, so we wouldn’t all fight over it.” Prism shook her head and yawned. “It could’ve been any of us, they just pulled your name out of a hat.”
“Just...let me have this, okay?” Plucky hissed.
“How have we survived this long?” Samwise wondered aloud.
“I thrived on planning new ways to kill both of you, and held onto that thought and milked it for everything it was worth, that’s how I survived,” Plucky answered. “I’m like a Changeling, except instead of love, it’s hatred.”
“No, I’m serious, how have we survived for a year? None of us have had contact with the outside world since we got here, nopony’s come to replenish our supplies, and if you compare us to a sizable portion of the planet’s population, I’m pretty sure all three of us can be diagnosed as clinically insane,” Samwise explained, looking at Plucky. “And I’m pretty sure you have enough hate in you to not only summon the Windigos again, but to also command them to do your bidding.”
Plucky shrugged. “You’re probably right.”
Prism pursed her lips. “You don’t sound very impressed.”
“Please, if I were to try to conquer the world using the cold, dead ghosts of hatred itself, the Element Bearers would just blast me to kingdom come, and then immediately go back to their daily cuddle sessions. Villains like me are like breakfast for them.”
“So you admit you’re a villain?” Samwise chuckled.
“If it meant I could poison each of your suppers tomorrow so that you die thrashing and squealing like pigs in your sleep without it going against my moral compass or without it ruining my chance of getting next month’s paycheck, oooooooh, absolutely,” Plucky flashed a smug smirk.
“We get paid?” Prism asked with a raised eyebrow. She gestured to the outpost. “For this?”
Plucky blinked in confusion. “I mean, we gotta, right? They wouldn’t just leave us here without paying us for doing our duty, and I don’t even know what I’m saying because of course they would. Damn, there goes that condo I wanted.”
“Is anypony going to think of the supplies, though?” Samwise asked.
“No!” Prism glared at him. “The less I think of it, the more sleep I’ll get tonight.”
“You get enough sleep for half of Canterlot,” Plucky snarked. “You’re like half the reason why Princess Luna is so tired during the day. She keeps having to chase away your nightmares.”
“Hey! Hypersomnia is a real thing!” Prism growled.
“So is laziness.”
“Seriously, I’m pretty sure we ran out of food months ago...” Samwise murmured off to the side. “What have we been eating, snow cones?!”
“Sam, shut up!”
1000 Hours
It had taken a few hours, but Prism and Plucky had finally gotten their suddenly distraught and traumatized fellow Guard to calm down. He was currently nursing a warm mug of cider that had probably gone sour years ago, judging by the dates on the barrels. Luckily, the three of them had lost their sense of taste ever since they joined the Solar Guard, so it didn’t bother Samwise in the least. In the end, all three of them decided to share a cup to calm their nerves.
At the moment, all three had gone back to staring blankly out over the barren yet oddly beautiful landscape before them over the wall, forever denied to them. Birds flew overhead, their calls sounding like laughter in their ears, and dark clouds had rolled over the mountains.
“Looks like a storm’s coming,” Samwise remarked.
“What’ll it be this time, I wonder?” Prism yawned.
“I’m hoping for an intense lightning storm, personally,” Plucky replied. “That way I can climb up the tower and hold up my spear for the world to bear witness.”
Samwise shook his head. “Nah, you’d just conduct it into Prism’s room. Might even just recharge the magic batteries for another few years.”
“Drat, foiled again. Curse you, nature, just let me die!”
“Why are you so obsessed?” asked Prism. “You’re holding a weapon, for Celestia’s sake.”
“It’s about the bloody principle and presentation, damn it!” Plucky cried, throwing his spear down against the battlements. “I thought we already established me as the villain of our little group? If I’m going out, Faust better have a good method planned for me. I ain’t gonna go out like some punk Griffon.”
Samwise carefully edged a little farther away from him.
Prism shook her head and smirked. “You’re insane.”
“Thank you, I try.”
1200 Hours
It wasn’t a lightning storm, much to Plucky’s annoyance and Prism’s amusement.
It was just rain. Lots and lots of rain. So much, in fact, that the trio quickly made probably their only rational decision that day and abandoned the wall, taking refuge in the outpost’s main barracks. They couldn’t really complain too much, it was much warmer inside than outside, and the barracks offered a more comfortable setting. Still, boredom was quickly taking its toll as they waited for the rain to pass.
“Prism, got any threes?” Samwise asked.
“Go jump in a lake,” Prism muttered.
“That’s a no,” Plucky chuckled.
Samwise rolled his eyes. “I know how the game works.” He picked up another “card”, which was really just a tiny piece of paper with a Q and a spade drawn on it.
“Plucky, got any kings?” Prism yawned.
“Go jump in a lake.”
She raised an eyebrow at him.
“...That’s in-game, by the way, as amusing as it would be to watch you flounder.”
“Sometimes I can’t tell with you,” she giggled incessantly before drawing a card.
“Why is it called ‘Jump In A Lake’, anyway?” Samwise muttered. “Doesn’t seem very friendly, considering we’re, y’know, Ponies.”
“It’s what Earth Ponies came up with when they saw the Pegasi version of it, ‘Go Fish’. We don’t have any use for fish, so we created our own version,” Plucky replied. “Prism, fours?”
“Go jump in a lake.” He drew a card.
“But why a lake? Why not a pond, or a river? Less chance for you to get lost under there,” Samwise insisted. “Any fives, Pluck?”
“If I had to guess, it was so that Ponies like you would be out of the hair of Ponies like me for a long, long time,” Plucky smirked. “Go jump in a lake, by the way.”
“Liar, you’ve got a five right there!” Samwise pointed out.
“I resent that accusation of cheating,” the other stallion huffed. “Besides, how could you tell?”
“There was always one five --- hearts, I think --- that had a little notch in the right side,” Samwise replied. “We never bothered to fix it.”
Plucky frowned as he looked at the offending card. “Huh...so it does.” He flicked it over to him.
“Why would you cheat at ‘Jump In A Lake’?” Prism wondered aloud. “It’s like the easiest game ever invented.”
“A villain who’s wasted here has gotta make his living somehow,” Plucky muttered.
“Alright, let’s try something we haven’t done in a while,” Samwise said, putting his cards on the table. “Since we’ve outed you as a villain and a threat to the kingdom, how would you, if given the chance, conquer us?”
“Please, at least give me a challenge,” Plucky waved a hoof dismissively. “But if you insist.” He took a deep breath. “First things first, assassinate the Element Bearers.”
Prism nodded. “Fair enough. How would you do that?”
“I’d try to lure them in with whatever they liked, first. Pinkie Pie likes sweets, so I’ll simply poison a cupcake amid a baker’s dozen.”
“But what if she manages to eat all of the un-poisoned ones?” Samwise asked.
“Simple, they’re all poisoned. To seal the deal, I’ll eat one myself in front of her, then drain an entire cup of pre-prepared water with the only cure in it for miles.” Then he smirked. “And just to be sure, I’ll choose a poison that amplifies its effects depending on how much of it you eat, and then add an addictive sweetener in the recipe so that it makes her want to eat all the rest in one go.”
Prism winced. “That’s evil.”
Samwise nodded. “Alright, what about the others?”
“Rarity’s easy, literally. I’ll just charm her with my rugged good looks--” Prism fell on her back laughing. “That hurts, Prism. Anyway, I’ll charm her with good looks and my Old Ponish accent, then simply hire a mercenary to off her while we’re at our date. Then I’ll hire another mercenary to off the first one so that he can’t be traced back to me. For Princess Twilight, I’ll give her a trap book where she’ll simply touch an enchanted picture on the first page, which will trap her inside the book’s world for all eternity, and then I’ll tear out the pages and burn them. For Rainbow Dash, I’ll invite her to a Daring Do convention set up like a temple with real traps, only for it to actually be a temple full of real traps, specifically designed for a Pegasus of her speed and caliber. For Applejack...hmmm...have to get back to you on that one. Fluttershy I don’t even have to touch.”
Samwise tilted his head. “Why?”
“Even evil has standards,” Plucky replied, crossing his forehooves. “Besides, who could harm such a cute face?”
“She stared a Dragon into submission,” Prism reminded him.
“And out-stared a cockatrice,” Samwise added.
“No comment.”
Samwise chuckled. “Okay then, what about--”
“Rain’s stopped.”
The two stallions turned their attention to the window at Prism’s declaration, with Plucky sighing and picking up his spear. “Welp, break time’s over. Up and at ‘em.”
“At who?” Samwise muttered. “We’re the only Ponies around for miles.”
“Up, you moron.”
2300 Hours
This was it, the final stretch. They had argued, bickered, fought, squabbled, quarrelled, quibbled, feuded, and pettifogged, and it was almost time to call it a night. Luna’s moon had already gone up into the sky, and they had to fought the urge to fall asleep. Or at least, Plucky and Samwise had to.
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“I was just wondering...”
“Oh boy, here we go.”
“Shut up. I was just wondering...are we friends?”
Plucky gave him an exaggerated side-glance. “What brought this on?”
“We’ve been together for a year, dude. We’ve slept under the same roof, guarded the same stupid wall, ate the same tasteless and expired food, drank the same soured cider, shovelled the same filthy courtyard, cleaned the same miserable barracks, exchanged beds a few times, played games together, argued together, bled together, fought together, cried together, talked together, comforted each other, went to a prank war together, and even tried to strangle each other once out of desperation. I could go on and on but you get the point, right?”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” Plucky sighed. “It’s been a wild year, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah...what a time to be alive, huh?”
“Yeah...”
“Just kiss already,” Prism muttered, half-asleep.
“Shut up, Prism, we’re just friends,” Plucky growled.
“Could’ve fooled me, in more ways than one.”
The three of them sighed, staring out over the plains one more time. Samwise was right, they had done everything together and from day one had, for better or for worse, formed a connection of some kind, unhealthy or not. Despite Plucky’s unceasing insistence to the contrary, he would gladly fight tooth and nail to protect his two fellow Guards if any real, tangible threat were to show itself. Despite Prism’s quirks and apparent laziness, she would always be there to lend a hoof when needed. Despite Samwise’s terrible strategies and awful ideas, he was always around to provide some kind of insight and a new perspective on things, and was always the most positive out of the trio.
They may not have had the same connection that the Element Bearers had, but they didn’t have to. Friends came in all shapes and sizes, after all.
“You know,” Plucky spoke up, getting their attention. “I may be an unrepentant villain, and you two may be an miserable little git and a pathetic insomniac...”
Tonk-tonk-tonk.
“But I think, despite all that...”
Tonk-tonk-tonk.
“You two may just be the closest I’ve had to a proper family, y’know?”
Tonk-tonk-tonk!
Samwise smiled and nodded. “You too, you cynical bucker.”
Tonk-tonk-tonk!
“Does anypony hear that?” Prism wondered aloud, her ears perking up.
The two stallions fell silent and waited. Then...
TONK-TONK-TONK!
The three Guards looked at each other and blinked. “Is that...the gate?” Samwise asked.
“I don’t know,” Plucky admitted with a shrug. “I’ve never heard a knocking sound on it before. I think I’ve even forgotten what it sounded like.”
“What do you think is causing it?” Prism yawned, her eyes getting heavy again. “Some kinda bear?”
Samwise shook his head. “Nah, too small to be a bear.”
“Rabbit?” Plucky guessed.
“Too big for a rabbit.”
“Well, I’m stumped, then,” said Plucky.
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake, open the damn gate, you idiots!” roared an unknown voice.
Plucky smirked and looked over the edge. “You’re not fooling us, morons. We’ve seen your kind before; hallucinations from bad cider. We’re not being fooled again.”
“Son, this is Sergeant Cliff of the Battle Mage corps!” the voice yelled back. “Open this gate at once, or I’ll have you three put on report for disobeying a direct order!”
Suddenly, as if memories long forgotten rushed back into his head, Plucky’s eyes widened. “Good soldiers...follow orders...” he murmured, before shaking his head. “Ack, sorry Sarge! Didn’t know it was really you! Private Prism, um...lost the key to the gate though. We can’t find it.”
“What do you mean, ‘I lost the key’?!” Prism demanded, suddenly alert and glaring at him. “We all know it was you!”
“I have no idea what you mean,” Plucky insisted.
“It was you!”
“Nope.”
“You did it!”
“You’re clinically insane, Samwise said so. I’m not listening.”
“You lost our key to the outside world months ago, ya dingus!” Prism yelled, throwing her spear to the battlements and shaking a hoof at him. “Do you know how hard it is, being the only mare in an outpost of stallions?! I need my space, damn it!”
“There’s only two of us here, and you had half the base to yourself!” Plucky retorted, facing her with a scowl. “And you’re always asleep! Sam and I have had to clean the entire base while you were taking naps day-in, day out, you lazy twerp!”
“Take that back, you Trottingham bumpkin!”
“Make me, Manehattan freak!”
“That’s it! I’ve had it! You wanna die, here ya go!” Prism roared, launching herself at him and sending the two tumbling off the wall (into the base, which only increased their ire) and rolled around in a heap of swinging limbs and dented armor, shouting obscenities and full-blown threats against one another.
Samwise, meanwhile, merely stared blankly as they fought, yawning as Prism bit into Plucky’s hoof while Plucky throttled her. Not even the flap of wings bothered him as a black-armored, grey Thestral landed next to him.
“Hey, Sam,” said the Thestral.
“Hey, Ralph.”
“The sarge, Corporal Pointer, and I are your relief. Captain Shield Wall realized that he kinda forgot about you guys so he decided that somepony needed to take your place for the next few months while you guys got some leave.”
Plucky screamed in pain as Prism kicked him in the eye.
“That’s great, Ralph,” Samwise sighed. He looked up at the outpost tower with a frown as Plucky yanked at Prism’s mane.
“You know what that means, right?” Ralph pressed. “You guys can finally go home.”
“That’s just it, Ralph,” Samwise said, looking back at him. “We’ve been here so long, we almost don’t know what we’ll do with ourselves if we ever actually left.”
Ralph looked at him in pity, putting a hoof on his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, Sam, I’m sorry it took this long.”
Samwise watched the two brawling Guards and sighed again. “...I’m not. For better or worse, those two idiots down there are the best friends I’ve ever had.”
“Uh, hello? We’re still stuck down here!” Sergeant Cliff yelled from below.
“Coming, Sarge!” Ralph called back. He patted Samwise’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s open the gate for them.”
“We don’t have the key, though,” Samwise reminded him as they walked down the stairs.
Ralph laughed. “Dude, you could’ve left at any time. There’s a second mechanism that requires two Ponies to open as a backup, instead of one with the key.”
Samwise blinked. “Huh.”
“Wait! Wait-wait-wait-wait-WHOA!” Plucky cried out mid-punch, turning towards Ralph. “You mean to tell us that we could have gone to Trottingham at any time?! My hometown?! It’s only fifty miles south from here, across the drink! I could’ve been home on weekends!”
Following Ralph’s directions, he and Samwise worked the gatehouse’s machinery and opened the gate, allowing the very irate Sergeant Cliff and a highly bemused Earh Pony into the outpost. Cliff, the Unicorn, shook his head and forcefully pulled the two brawling Guards apart with magic. “You three are, without a doubt, the worst Solar Guards I’ve ever heard of.”
Plucky couldn’t resist. “But you have heard of us.”
Without another word, all three Solar Guards were thrown out of the outpost, along with their rusty spears and dented armor. As they rolled to a stop in the grass (with Samwise slamming upside-down into a half-buried boulder), they stood up and stared at the outpost that had been their impromptu prison for a year with an equal amount of resentment and melancholy.
They were outside. They had escaped. They were finally looking at the outpost from a forbidden angle. None of them knew what to say.
That is, until Plucky picked up his helmet and placed it on his head with a huff. “I pity those morons. They don’t know what they’re getting into.”
“Wanna bet on how long they’ll last before they begin planning ways on how to spit-roast each other?” Prism yawned.
“Three days,” Samwise said immediately.
“Please, it was two for me,” Plucky grinned sadistically.
“So now what?” asked Prism.
The three of them turned their backs to the outpost and looked at the mountains far away.
“Do you think that mountain’s tall enough for--” Plucky started.
“Plucky, we’re free, we’ve survived. You don’t have to think that way anymore,” Samwise chided.
“Just checking.”
0000 Hours
Outpost 13
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“Have you wondered why we were sent here and not somepony else?” asked Ralph.
The sergeant shrugged. “Dunno.”
A loud crash echoed from inside the base, and the two of them sighed.
“Sorry!” Pointer yelled. “Th-that was my bad, haha!”
“Never mind, I know exactly why...” Cliff groaned. “Clumsy idiot.”
“These next few months are gonna suck, aren’t they?” Ralph remarked with a smirk.
“I hate you...”
Yep. I literally saw that picture I have for the cover art and used that entire image to make a comedy. And I think I dreamed it up after a night of insomnia and minor delirium, and then after giggling to myself and falling back to sleep, I ran with it the next day.
Hopefully you've got a chuckle or two out of it. God bless! 
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An entire year? Those poor bastards.
Damn, but I kind of wish this was longer. This is a really well done story! Your characters alone are worth reading. Definitely getting some RvB vibes. If I could give another thumbs up, dude, I totally would. Looking at your other two stories, you have a gift for this kind of writing. Keep it up!
10943013
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
And who knows? Maybe we'll see these three again, somewhere, somehow...
I remember being introduced to Red vs. Blue during a relief briefing on my first Tour in Iraq... I fell out of my chair laughing...
The sad thing was; while parked in a Humvee babysitting the same 3 square miles of empty desert for the hundredth time... me in the Gunner's seat, my Driver, and my Sergeant actually did end up having these kinds of conversations...
I love this. The dynamic between the three guards was hilarious and kinda heartwarming.
You bet! I might've even giggled
I don't know if you want to make a long-form story out of this, but I would read the hell out of it if you did.
You know, it's not often something makes me want to rewatch The Clone Wars and Red vs. Blue at the same time.
I keep reading Samwise as Samwiz
On that note, Trollos
Thank you for your time.
That just puts the icing on the cake for me. Well done
10943936
I have distinct feeling that is included in the end.
I fucking love thid
All I can think of is 29 stumps while reading this
Yooo, congrats on the feature! I didn't know it was you at first! Keep up the good work. This is great. Guard conversations are always super fun to write out.
Most accurate representation of the ball of hate that is a Corporal I've ever seen LMFAO
10943936
personnally, i'd rather want a sequel
i mean, how are these three idiots gonna get back to the royal guard?
are they gonna quit/get fired?
are they just gonna get back to a near town and just forget to come back to their superiors?
are they gonna build a home nearby to fact-check their bets?
who knows? so many possibilities and so much loving hate!
10945584
)
Well, they're not gonna get fired,
because they've already been fired. (Sorry, couldn't resist.Don't worry, we'll be seeing them again soonTM.
They won't be quitting, they won't be jumping ship, and they certainly won't be building a home out in the middle of nowhere, since they've already lived in the middle of nowhere and they didn't exactly find it pleasant.
Honestly, when I first made this story it was just three silly Guards doing silly Guard things. I certainly didn't expect it to blow up the way it did, or for these three idiots to suddenly become so beloved by everyone. But now that it has, I find myself coming up with new plans and misadventures for them. In fact, I've even been debating to have them as my three "mascot" characters, so to speak.
10945594
that's the internet for you
make a character as hated as possible and everyone will love them (reminds me of the Pine Twins from Gravity Falls (stan and ford i mean) )
but yeah, now they're loved and you can only blame it on your writing skills, gotta be good for a bad guy to feel good
also i won't lie at one point i did actually wondered if they were just insane and in an asylium
anyway, hope to see them Soontm and how they're gonna annoy their way in life
Anybody else getting Red vs. Blue vibes? That sent me back to good times.
10946099
This story was actually very heavily-inspired by Red Vs. Blue, especially the Blood Gulch Chronicles. I feel like the "modern" Rvb (mainly Zero) has kinda lost its way since Season 17, but since Rooster Teeth wasn't going to fix the problem...
Well, in the words of the almighty Thanos:
i.imgflip.com/4fxzyf.jpg
10946105
I agree. RvB has moved away from what it was in the past. After reading one of your comments, it sounds like we will see a bit more of our insane trio. I believe I will not be the only one looking forward to that.
We don't have to worry about Freelancers right?
10946118
Nope, no Freelancers, although you might be seeing a few more Dragons than usual...
Hmmm...I wonder why?
People have created cannibalistic societies in less time than they had, so on the whole they did quite well.
Okay, that was some good comedy right there. I wasn't slapping my knees with laughter, but these characters clicked, and that is more important than rapid-fire jokes. Also, congrats on getting featured, and getting the amount of likes and views you did. And with a story that featured OCs only, without any porn. Keep this up, and you'll go places.
And a personal note: You, as a relative "new blood" on the site, inspire me, since I'm an even bigger rookie. But you showed it's possible to write good shit without succumbing to popular demand. Liked&followed.
10950051
Thanks for the compliments! Glad to have given you some inspiration with my horse-words.
Comedy is hard
10950866
It can be, yes. That is why you need a solid premise, believable characters that have good chemistry, and practice. Practice, refine, practice, refine, practice, refine, and keep repeating that process. Say the jokes to yourself. Do you laugh at them? If so, then try using that, or if you find something better, use that instead. If you don't laugh, chances are it won't make others laugh either, so scrap it and start again.
But the most important thing to remember about comedy is that it's not the quantity of the jokes that counts, but how well-timed they are, who says them, and their quality. You can throw out joke after joke after joke, but if most don't work very well or if they're low quality, then the story won't be funny. I'd rather have one amazing, hilarious joke that has me dying and wheezing from laughter every time I hear it than a dozen jokes that only make me chuckle once and then never again.
The second most important thing to remember about comedy is that not all comedy has to be in dialogue. Environmental comedy (such as how the world is viewed or shown in a ridiculous way to the characters) can work just as well. Thoughtful/philosophical humor is also great when used well. Just don't overdo it either, or it will fall into slapstick, which is hard to take seriously for some people and ends up looping back to not being funny sometimes (unless the reader happens to like slapstick, in which case it just becomes funnier).
In this story, I didn't actually make that many "joke" jokes, and instead did a parody/deconstruction of military tropes and included mundane humor on top of it, with the occasional dialogue joke and dark humor to spice it up. A lot of what Samwise says isn't inherently funny out of context, but when read in context of the conversation, the humor is understood better, because he plays off the other two guards.
Sorry for the wall of text/essay, but I felt like a discussion on how comedy is written would be good.
Howdy, hi!
I absolutely loved this fic. The banter between the three mains was absolutely spot on and it was an enjoyable ride from start to finish. You wrote an absolutely astounding dynamic between these three characters and I loved every word that came out of their mouths. Each character bounced off the others in believable ways and I truly felt like they were a unit together.
The comedic delivery was on point as well. The opening waking up sequence is one of my absolute favourite moments in comedy I've read in a long while. I truly look forward to any follow-ups or future work you do.
a great sequence to start! really establishing these OCs in a relatable way right out of the gate. feels like the beginning of a movie.
ah, wonderful banter! did i catch a bit of metacommentary with the "never wondered why we're here" line? also i am already liking Prism Rain but i am biased here
loved this bit of banter especially.
is this... is this supposed to be unsettling?
aww, cultural worldbuilding! very fun
big oof!
i see the author could not resist either, hehe
i really adored that opening sequence, and the distinctiveness of the characters and how they bounced off of each other in their banter. this really felt like a "henchman episode", which is actually pretty rare to see in this fandom since even the most obscure background pony at least has something unique going for them, through their cutie mark or profession. but here are these three, cogs in a machine, performing a duty that seems pointless with no real goal or purpose. it was a nice and interesting experience!
First of all, relatable.
You established the characters almost right away to be extremely relatable to us, and the interactions between the three are just amazingly fun and silly in my opinion.
It's also just fun to see ponies with no real purpose, unlike the show where everyone has their "cutie mark destiny" and know exactly what they're supposed to do in life.
Jokes in the story are spread out(imo), and the author doesn't force them though and instead ease us into them, which is a really nice way to do it.
These three lovable idiots are funny and nice to read, and I'm interested to see where this goes next.
10970938
High praise from someone who has written high-quality work of their own. Thanks!
And you'll definitely be seeing them again. The universe this story takes place in has already started, and they'll be reintroduced inside the main books soon enough. They'll also be getting a sequel anthology side-story of their own about their adventures in Ponyville and abroad at some point, and I intend to keep to the same style of silly, relatable comedy in that one as I have it here.
I wanna start things off by saying the comedy is perfect. It starts with some hilarious slap-stick and dry humor, but as it goes on, it slowly devolves into pure dry humor, as the insane ramblings of the three guards become more and more intense to the point the slap-stick comes back as they can't take it anymore.
This story is also perfectly disguised as a story about existential dread. What we see is just one day of their passive aggressive war of attrition against their own sanity. That's 8760 hours. Trapped in isolation, with only two companions each, sitting in one spot all day. For a year.
It kind of shows just how broken they all are as they start really considering things deeper. Samwise is more akin to a midlife crisis, thinking hard in what's going on and rocking back a forth. Plucky devolves into insanity as he starts seriously constructing a plan to take over the world just for fun. Prism is more subtle, but given how much she sleeps, it's possible she's been going through depressive episodes for most of this. It's a sad thought really. When they finally get out, it's less of a 'we're free!' and more of a 'what now?' which is painfully accurate, especially considering recent circumstances. When they think about if they've been forgotten, it's heartbreaking.
The chemistry is great beyond their fighting, as can be seen in the game of Go Jump In A Lake (wonderful bit of world-building there also), where Prism seems to actually have fun, and for once they're all just having a regular chat with minimal hatred. It's a touching scene you might miss, that despite how much they despise each other, they're also keeping each other sane. Also quite like the mild shipping teases between Sam and Plucky.
The story is mostly dialogue, and it is some glorious dialogue, but you also do a great job of setting up the bleak environment they're in, without overstating the situation. In reality, they're just in an outpost, the only problem with it is that they've been there for a year. It's a realistic showing of the definition of insanity, in the most appropriate way possible.
Bravo!
10971164
I'm glad you liked the story!
If you're interested, I made a blog post that gives a little more backstory for the Triplets (as I've called them). This backstory will also be used in future stories that these three will be a part of, and it gives a little more insight into each of their personalities.
10/10
Understated humour is fun to read, even if it requires a certain mindset to fully appreciate. (I must admit I am not exactly in the best of states right now, which dulls the response you likely intended your reader to have.) Even so, the banter the guard trio have with each other, along with their chemistry, makes for an amusing time.
The source of inspiration that led you to write this story may be unfamiliar to me, but the story calls to mind the antics of another group of YouTube presenters (Neebs Gaming) that I only recently dove deep into.
Heh.
Makes actually sense, if you think about it.
Yeah, those fellows are annoying as heck.
Well, at least they are not pirates...
Good story!
I enjoyed reading it.
Also, I found the source of the cover art: "Finished Sketch #41: Early Morning" by Hunternif.
Consider adding this information to the story.
11009477
Thanks, will do! Glad you enjoyed the story.
Beautiful.
Nuff' said.
...Was that a subtle reference to Atlantis?
11195205
Finally! Someone of culture!
11195227
Hell yeah, love that movie. B)
Did you know it had a sequel? :p