What if there was a way to enter Equestria. If you didn´t believe in it´s existence before, you sure do now.
Chapters (2)
CzechBrony
Joined 11th Oct, 2017 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- RushyFiction · 133k words · 1,736 82 · 34k views
- RunicTreetops · 12k words · 170 6 · 2.7k views
- nameundetermined · 4.4k words · 859 18 · 11k views
- Spooples · 154k words · 741 50 · 11k views
- RunicTreetops · 18k words · 222 6 · 3.3k views
- HK-FortySeven · 52k words · 260 12 · 2.9k views
- Flutterpriest · 41k words · 1,611 182 · 31k views
- Flutterpriest · 10k words · 1,259 42 · 23k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.078 seconds
Total duration
839 users online
1,058,328 hits today, 1,870,739 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hey,this chapter is pretty good, it reminds me of another story but this one has a twist and lore.
Okay you have my atention, good story so far.
What kind of hardcore fan is he ? To avoid saying f@!k? Or the human version of the swear?
Wow. Story is very good I need to say, waiting for next chapters!
11313781
POLSKAAAAAA!!! XD
Hello, I see you're new here, so I'd like to give you some advice that you may choose to follow.
Rather than chopping the story into segments and calling them chapters, write hr in square brackets which will couse the following to happen:
Neat, and you can align the text in the center (by using the toolbar on the top) to make it even more pleasing.
Paragraphs are also important, as the blocks of text you presented us with may be tiring. I personally try and make each paragraph at least seven sentences long plus not touch more then one topic/action/situation per paragraph but its not a dogma I follow or should you if you know it will affect what you want to tell through the story in a way it'll make you dissapointed.
For instance
And now, how to run this bucking thing, you thought as you search for some clues to start the train up.
Thoughts and dialog are best seperated from the rest of the text.
You have three levers before you located over what you assumed was the boiler. One red, one white and one green. If you assume correctly, then the green would start the train, the red would stop it, so logically the last one was for basic brakes and the red one for emergency brakes. And a button next to the boiler saying "start". Without hesitation, you pressed it, and the train came to life, and judging by the smoke that came from the boiler, it must have been quite some time.
One topic/action/situation, in this case, thinking about the panel. When the lever was pulled, we started a new situation, so, its best to rip that part away and start a new paragraph.
As you grabbed onto the green lever, you heard a recognisable sound. Buck. You quickly pulled down the lever, but without any effect.
The inner dialogue is best to be seperated, its not a must, remember.
What the, you thought as you looked at the supposedly empty boiler in front of you. Celestia, fraking dammit, I didn´t ask for you to be bucking empty, you cursed as you´ve turned to find some coal laying around.
After the inner dialog, we continue.
The ghouls' sound could be heard nearer and nearer, as you intensified your collecting.
See, here what I was talking about earlier when I wrote not to treat the one topic/action/situation rule dogmatically. This sentence has every right to go with the rest. Its about the protagonist doing stuff but there is danger incoming, danger that is given away by sound, sound which is in rythm with the work of the protagonist. So we have one topic, but the emphasis is on sound and the danger. Because of this emphasis, I'd seperate this sentence. Its a standalone thing to worry about while the protagonist is doing his job. Secondly, dramatic effect is added.
After a few quick collect and throw sessions, you hoped that it was enough to get this metal box moving. You again took the green lever, ready to pull it down when you heard a very close growl coming from your right
You turned your head in the direction of the sound, only to be faced with a pair a empty eyes, looking directly into yours.
Same here.
You stood there paralyzed for a moment. The creature slowly came through a hole in the train station. You snapped out of your paralyzed state yet again to finally pull the green lever down, with hopes, that the coal thrown into the fire was enough. After a few seconds, the train begins to move, slowly but surely.
You looked back at the creature, who was still walking towards you. You should have bought a ticket motherbucker, you thought as the ghoul started to disappear behind the train.
Pretty much the end...The final product should look like this:
11313781
Hi, thank you very much for your comment, I will try to keep up the good work, I also hope to please you with the next chapters.
11313445
Thank you, I hope to not dissapoint you by my next chapters.
11313894
Thank you for your advices, however I do not want to be a proffesional writer, as such I will continue to write by my own style. Nevertheless I thank you for the advices.
11313881
Wow pierwszy polak tutaj xD
11313938
With regards to breaking text up into small paragraphs, it's not about being "professional," it's about people being able to actually read it. Especially on small screens like a phone,
11314328
Fair point, my apologies.
I really enjoy it, looking forward for whats next
11314328
Plus it help being able to bookmark the story when you got to do something while reading