- Member Since 12th Apr, 2022
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
DarkShadowSpark
Pone - about 50/50% sound/insane :) - Humans are lame, Pones are best
DarkShadowSpark
Joined 12th Apr, 2022 ·
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I don't know why, but this image makes me thing of this
In the future, I would like to kindly request that you do not do this again. The short description is not always what one will read first when they see a story, such when using Search or the Feed to find stories; the long description is used in such cases, making a phrase like this rather annoying.
11524670
Will remove said phrase then ;)
Don't mind the Dislike. i always love your vore story.
11525114
Thanks!
While it would be nice if the Story had more likes, there are surprisingly many people that dislike such stuff just because its vore. So for vore Stories I personally never go for the ratio of like or dislike and see for myself if I like the Story or not.
Also my stuff is written for my own satisfaction too. So I´m always happy to have written my Storys
While I am myself a fan of the subject matter, I can't really bring myself to give this one a like. It was really going well, until you got to the big reformation/exposition dump in the middle of the scene; it killed the pacing and I kind of checked out two paragraphs in.
For future reference, if you just want to establish that reformation is a thing for a vore scene to make it non-fatal, a sentence or two does it. If, on the other hand, you want to establish a bit of worldbuilding and explain in detail, before or after the main action is probably for the best.
And sometimes, the best advice really is "show, don't tell." An afterscene of AJ being brought back probably wouldn't have taken more paragraphs than Twilight's lecture on the subject, and would have fit with the flow better narratively.
11525170
Thanks for your critism. I will try to do my best for the next but won´t guarantee anything. I personally wrote the story how I thought for it to be good.
Did I understand your correct? Either I should cut it down to one ore two small parts. Like: “Yes I need for body temporarly to become a mature alicorn. I will revive you then and thank you”
Or
Explain it before having AJ devoured or after she has been digested. (Doesn't make sense for me as it either spoilers it that Twilight has a reason for eating her friend. Or AJ wont be able to hear what Twilight intends to say as she has been digested and absorbed by her friend). Maybe I did understand it wrong but that is what I get from reading your comment. Correct me if I´m wrong.
11525292
More or less, yes. It really depends on what the primary purpose of writing a fetish story is for you. If it's just titillation, a focus on the sensual, in-the-moment aspects should probably be primary, with exposition kept to a minimum. If you want to do a deeper dive, as it were, then you have to make sure that the explanation timing still doesn't interrupt and cut across the main action.
I'm not sure what you mean by "spoilers it that Twilight has a reason," was it essential for the story that it be kept as a surprise? From the perspective of the reader, we already had the fact that she had a reason "spoiled" by the story description. The only one it would be surprising to would be AJ in story, then. And in that case, is it really in character for Twilight to spring that on her without explaining beforehand?
If its essential to the story you want to write that AJ be surprise ambushed and nommed, the best solution for the pacing would be a short reassurance from Twilight during the scene, with a longer explanation after the conclusion. How exactly it is written depends on whether you simply want the reader to be informed or the characters themselves.
11525307
Well ok...you got a valid Point with the "spoiled" thing and it not being in character for Twilight to do that to AJ. Our dear lavender alicorn mare is to kind for that.
I will keep in mind what you wrote and try to make it better for the next one. There will be one Story were the reason for why it is happening won't be solved until everything is done completely.
I think if I had kept the reason for why Twilight is about to devour AJ (the explanation she gives her friend) to the start than that wouldn't have broken up the main course of the story. However than I would have to write the beginning totally different than I did and that probably wouldn't have worked for me. At the end would have been also a bad thing. (Would only have benefitted the reader and not AJ. The mare itself wouldn't have been in a position to hear Twi anymore).
Either way thanks for your helping comment
11525905
To be perfectly clear, when I said after the scene, I mean after AJ is reformed, not just digested. Or the explanation could be given to her other friends, just so that there is an in-character explainer and explainee, but you're welcome in any case. Hope to see more from you.
"but cheeks" should be "butt cheeks", and "her exit" is rather strange as a phrase to mean "her butthole". Also in general, the part where Twilight licks AJ's crotch is really awkwardly worded.
11678487
Fixed the grammatical errors, thanks. (Well I just liked to "work" around the obvious phrasing as I don't like to write the word but technically you're right.)
Well I did my best but I'm far from the best in english and discribing how a pony licks another's crotch. There aren't really guidelines how it is done.
You're certainly free to send me an edited copy of it if you know how to improve some bits.
11679540
Wording can be quite hard I find, it's never easy to convey what's going on, and sometimes words get lost (a few sentences definitely lost a word or two I noticed). Anyways, sent over suggestions on the section in question.