murphy
Joined 16th Oct, 2012 ·
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First of all, this is certainly a good start for a good old-fashioned clopfic shipping match. It is very well written with just the right amount of details thrown in to give us an idea of the feelings the two characters share, and how it leads to a night of steamy bucking.
I have a few concerns, but I need to preface them by saying they are probably just my own personal preferences, and not actual problems with your writing. Other readers may completely disagree with me on this, so certainly take them with a pinch of salt.
First, I thought the story was much longer than it needed to be, especially with the opening dialogue between Twilight and Trixie. On the one hand, this might not be a problem because both characters are such chatterboxes that all the talking should've been expected. However, although there was a ton of dialogue, their discussions didn't seem to advance the plot very well, which made me feel more impatient than excited for the clop that was to come. Once you reached the first clop scene, however, you seemed to come into your own. The bathroom scene was very vivid and I could easily picture it in my mind. I also liked how you handled Twilight's reaction in the following scene as she seemed quite flustered by what she saw. This middle part was the strongest part of the story because the sexual tension was its most palpable.
I applaud your use of frank explicit language in describing the sexual content; not enough people do that, so good on you. What didn't quite jive for me was Twilight and Trixie using profanity outside of sex, especially in the first part of the story. For some reason, it became much harder for me to imagine without explaining why they were acting so different than they would in the show. That said, I do think the use of profanity worked very well in the drinking scene toward the end; it was a very realistic depiction of drunken banter which paid off big time with the final scene. Watch out for shifting from past to present tense (it's something I struggle with, too; it just takes practice) - the paragraph starting with "Indeed" at the very end shifted to past to present all of a sudden.
Again, this is a very well-written story, so I'm reluctant to pick it apart much more than that. Your clop got a rise out of me (especially the first scene - DAMN!) - and thus you fully deserve the thumbs-up I gave you.
1454196
Thank you so much for taking the time to type all that out! I'm glad I was able to catch you when you had a bit of spare time.
As far as the length of the fic goes, that was sorta intentional - I wanted to leave it open-ended so that I could either let this chapter be a standalone fic or expand it into a few more chapters. I do agree, though, that some of the talky bits need pruning. And I'm glad that you enjoyed the more (ahem) 'adult' bits of the fic as well! Honestly, this wave of somewhat devious inspiration struck in the middle of the night, and I found myself writing this.
Looking forward to seeing what you do with your 'Goddess Within' series!
-murphy
A mature Twixie fic?
i.qkme.me/40ke.jpg
<< >>
*adds to read later*
I see socks.
Instant fav.
Just kidding, but it looks good. Read later!
Why, it was simply smashing! Waiting for the next chapters
Some spelling mistakes here and there, nothing major... Your sex scenes are giant walls of text... break it up some, it gets cumbersome to read.
And my mental image just got really weird, because my next thought was "anemones".
On a more serious note, you appear to be one of those authors that writes not-sex considerably better than sex. I mean, wasn't lurid and awful like these things usually are, but you went from mid-foreplay to afterglow in a somewhat large Tolstoy-esque paragraph. Twice. Also tense shifts.
And when I said the not-sex was good, I meant it. This is one of the more well-written Trixies I've seen, raunchy clop or otherwise, where she's not quite a complete doucheface, but the overbearing persona is there and she's suspicious of kindness. It's very believable.
Mmmm... Nice.
1456244
Fixed, thanks for bringing that to my attention.
mon visage quand this entire fic
i.imgur.com/vWyKn.gif
Right, here's chapter three: sorry this took a few days to update, I had an idea or two for this chapter that I decided to hold onto for later, which meant I needed to re-write it from the ground up. Hope you enjoy!
Another winning chapter.
Just to clarify, the sex and everything happened one week before that first scene in chapter one? Interesting.
1491392
Yeah, I'm kinda Tarantino-ing the progression of the story.
Explosive orgasms one right after another and they are fine, but Twilight and Trixie seize up a week later when Twilight ALMOST calls her cute?
How are they not dating already?
So much Boner
I've finally read the first chapter and...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8fso1ZY4V1r7cusro1_500.gif
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lle1nfIAOf1qafrh6.gif
Huh. I just finished my chapter, read this completely, and now I see similarities. Weird.
Anyway, nice and sensual. Like it lots
Presence of a cocked and loaded Chekov's gun is noted.
Me gusta
1490986 lol
*taps a foot*
Y'know, it's not often that I read something that exists for the express purpose of being pornography, but I'm kinda curious to see if this goes anywhere.
So?
i would like to take ths moment to say......hell yah
get it on
You were on this site three weeks ago! Why haven't you updated this story?! I just want to have it continue. Pretty please with an adorable Fluttershy on top?
Good stuff!
Ded?
I still read this again from time to time