- Member Since 21st Nov, 2011
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RK_Striker_JK_5
I'm an old-school MLP fan, glad the new show is doing great.
RK_Striker_JK_5
Joined 21st Nov, 2011 ·
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Wow, seems... decent.
Looks like it's gonna be a good one. Sweet start there :D loving the date. Altough...
This part needs some editing. I suggest:
Pinkie...doesn't seem to add anything to this. Which isn't bad, it just leads me to wonder why she's here at all. Especially since when I think of "preparing a romantic candlelight meal for two ponies," my mind does not jump to Pinkie Pie. If anything it jumps away from Pinkie Pie.
Otherwise I do like this and am eagerly looking forward to meeting the folks.
...
...oh, one more nitpick: something seems wrong about a race of herbivores having the phrase "large ham" in their lexicon.
This is cute! Trixie, Carrot Top and Pinkie Pie all have their own special ways of wanting to do something nice for Lyra and Bon-Bon. Trixie really is maturing a lot. The night sky illusion is adorable.
I can't help but think that all of this is a lead-up to Lyra dropping some manner of bombshell on Bon-Bon, though. Surprise lavish dinners are like that.
Well written start to this fic I'll be interested to see where you take it after this chapter.
This looks like it ought to be fun.
Well then time for some wacky hijinks as Lyra and BonBon navigate the treacherous waters of inter parental management... but first a romantic dinner to set the mood, supposedly at least. Regretfully I must say this fic isn't really off to a good start. Not so much a bad one either, just decidedly mediocre.
...
First off, I've got very mixed feelings about how you used Pinkie here. On the one hand it works as something of a nod to Ill Communication, but on the other the relationship you've created between her and Trixie still feels very artificial and forced. They aren't friends here, but clearly just barter back and forth "you listen to me; I listen to you" like some kind of currency. Further, without some kind of prologue to the opening of this chapter, her presence at the bar seems rather arbitrary.
In the end the way you use her is ultimately harmless, but perhaps too harmless and even more damning, not in the least bit FUNNY. Pinkie should really only show up in L!fics as a gag, a quick moment of random levity, and then disappear again leaving the characters to say "Wait, what just happened?" or "Pinkie Pie, you are so random". If the audience isn't inspired to at the very least chuckle at her amusingly crazy antics, well then, so far as I'm concerned you're doing it wrong, and would have been better of using ANY other pony.
Actually, as I think even further on things, it's not just the interactions between Trixie and Pinkie that feel artificial and pointless. There's really no life or mirth between any of the characters. For example, Trixie says she's self-conscious about being a jerk and just wanted to do something nice to prove the contrary, but like every other bit of dialog it just seems superficial and expository, there's no emotional weight to any of it and I never get a sense of any real depth. The characters just all come across as stiff and robotic, and the scene plays out more like a group of talking heads than a romantic dinner. So far this isn't a story I can in any way lose myself in, everything is just so bland and lifeless, that I'm constantly reminded I'm not actually in a world of magical talking ponies, but still stuck in the boring old room at home and just reading words on a screen.
As I think about it even more I realize an even bigger problem about this chapter... it's not even about the romantic dinner between Lyra and BonBon in the first place. Instead it feels an awful lot like a mere vehicle to prove that Trixie can be nice. The idea that she'd pay for the bulk of the dinner and that she's trying to make up for problems she's caused in the past is all well and good, but this chapter feels like it's trying to bludgeon me over the head with that fact. Trixie might be humble enough to not take credit for her deeds here, I just wish the story would actually do the same, rather than constantly reminding me how nice and wonderful Trixie is.
I'm still very much looking forward to the REAL fic when it finally gets started, but honestly I must say this chapter feels like an utter waste. It's a fair enough vignette, a harmless little scene of friends just being friends, but it seems distinctly out of place here and doesn't actually seem to in anyway act as the introductory hook that engages the reader and sells them on wanting to read the rest of the fic. Partly because of all the above mentioned problems, but mostly because it doesn't seem to have ANYTHING to do with the rest of the story, save a very brief mention of Lyra's fathers.
...
PS: maybe it's just me, but I find imagining ponies sitting 'chairs' to be rather awkward (it makes them feel a bit overly anthropomorphized). I know we've occasionally seen them sitting in such on the show, in ways almost like a human would, but such scenes tend to make me just as uncomfortable and I very much think they should more typically use furniture designed with equine anatomy in mind such as short-stools, cushions, or even just generic seats without ever identifying the specific type of furniture they are using.
1786770
Awesome. One problem that stuck out.
There is no Sunday.
can't really say much until we get to the actual parents, but I am looking forward to it.
1786854
It does seem like it would lead up to a proposal, although anoucing she's pregnant would be funnier if rather inexplicable
Not a lot going on to start with, but I'm still interested in seeing where things go. I didn't mind the Pinkie Pie part and actually chuckled at it.
I am intrigued by your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
Seriously, the cuteness in this is off-the-charts cute. :-)
Wait, why am I in this picture?!
i like so far but i must say one thing...LEEDLE LEEDLE LEEDLE LEE
I agree with RDD about 'large ham' being a strange thing for a herbivore to say...
Did you mean 'middle'?
I liked the Pinkie bits.
Fic probably could be edited to be a bit shorter.
Doesn't really have a stinger to make me want to sit through the opening credits and commercial break.
Good for a favorite, but not a like, yet.
Now I'm curious, when and why did "ham" become an adjective for a certain type of actor.
Your friend wants to keep a secret from somepony, and the first thing you do is tell that pony the secret? Element of Loyalty, ladies and gentlemen!
For shame, Lyra. For shame.
1786849 Maybe pigs are known for over dramatics, like Hamlet?
I really liked the promise of a developing friendship between Trixie and Pinkie back in Ill Communication, and I'm glad to see it continued. It's tentative and probably a bit awkward, but a defining concept with Pinkie in IC was that she wanted others to take her seriously instead of being treated as some kind of marefoal. Which means, as Trixie reminds her here, that she can't constantly act like one. L!Pinkie isn't C!Pinkie.
As for the main story, it's fairly slow, and it should set up the situation for the plot, but it doesn't. It's just Lyra and Bon Bon having a nice dinner and talking a surprising amount about Trixie, which seems a bit awkward.
I much prefer to see Trixie show off her "jerk with a heart of gold" attitude by being a rude buffoon one second and then saving the day when all hope seems lost, that sort of thing.
1786659 Ah, thanks?
1786770 Thanks. Either I'll fix it, or have fixed it. Sorry, just got done shoveling.
1786849 Thanks. As for Pinkie, I'm simply trying to show that she can develop. As for 'large ham', any suggestions for something else?[/legit]
1786854 Thanks. As for a bombshell, no. Emeral thought anything like that should wait for season two.
1786932 Thanks. Should be either tonight or tomorrow.
1787347 Okay...
Well, it's one exchange of dialog. And it's a lot more civil than what came before. They;re making sure each is listening to each other.
... No. No, no. I respectfully but forcefully disagree with that 100%. That way lies season-two Pinkie Pie. NO character should ever be used like that. Not Pinkie, not any of them. That's why I like using her for Lunaverse fics, to show she's more than a joke.
I feel that Trixie needs more kindness. Some is funny, but too much is annoying. And distracting, to boot.
Well, fine It's a launching off point for the rest of it, to provide impetus for Bonbon to seek out Trixie. And an utter waste...
That's... your right. But it's in the show. That's what we've seen them do in the show.
1787626 I don't know of any substitute, and I simply prefer to use the real life terms whenever possible.
1789028 You'll see one set next chapter...
1789047 Sadly, no proposal. I got told not to.
1791782 Thank you.
1791814lol, thanks. I like cute, too.
1800939 Your avatar is one of Lyra's fathers. ;)
1809532 Huh?
1840385 Ah, thank you. I'll change it ASAP.
1921260 Thanks. It'll be going somewhere next chapter.
1933534 Lyra's not perfect. And Bonbon was probably curious about how her marefriend that she lives with afforded it. ;)
2074343 Thank you. As for Trixie... sorry. I disagree with that. I like her softer side coming out more and more.
I love Bon Bon mom.
The fact she's Bon Bon's mom also explains alot about Bon Bon....
But...but that is what she is in the Lunaverse. She's a minor character that should only show up when there is a specific need for her, when having her in the scene adds something that wouldn't be there otherwise, or yes, just for her to make a joke. As she's used here, however, her dialogue could be replaced with just about any other pony, and you'd have the same effect.
She should be like...like Scruffy, from Futurama.
Season 2 Pinkie wasn't bad because she generally only showed up to do something random. She was bad because she generally only showed up to do something random and was often callous and she was supposed to be a main character.
I...don't get it. Why wouldn't Bon Bon be able to send a message to Luna? Why would Pokey need to pretend to not see?
I also don't get this...
Trixie and Honeydew should sit down and have a chat. It seems that they have a lot in common...at least personality wise.
2096121
I remember the hardwood floor reference. It's from Ill Communication, where the friends are rounding up Pinkie in Lyra's apartment.
2096121
I would guess the hat is suposed to only be used for official correspondence rather than just sending random notes to Luna so Pokey and/or Trixie could get in trouble for misuse of government property.
Its a general joke of Trixie being dramatic she strikes a pose against the scenery and stamps the ground, then comments on the sound made by the stamp while remaining in dramatic mode.
Either this is either a) a mistake, b) there's something we've not been told about Curry or c) its a comment on who wears the trousers in this relationship.
I love Honeydew! Definitely one of the best OC's I've seen (a good many are awful).
But but but unicorns can only do magic related to their cutie mark talent!
Well with a mom like that...you'd think she'd be better at putting up with Trixie.
2098516
I know, heck you'd think Trixie would be tame.
This chapter was... better.
Absolutely loved the bits at the flowershop with Bonbon's parents, please more of this; the parts at representative's residency with Pokey, less so. Partly for reasons I'll explain in a bit, but mostly because this whole B-plot of Trixie is underappreciated and supposedly deserves more respect still seems utterly extraneous and tacked on. It might make a fine story on its own, but here shoved alongside this tale of two lovers and their crazy families, it just feels like it's getting in the way (though at least in this chapter it segued back into the A-plot fairly organically, even if the initial sidetrack that required there to be any such segue still felt a little forced)
2096121
Actually I have my own problem with the hat scene. It sends papers directly to Luna's desk and simply put, the majority of the day-to-day filing that goes on in the Ponyville representative's office far beneath the direct concerns of the ruling monarch of the entire nation. Really any correspondence between the office of the representative would probably be sent by courier, maybe once a month and to the office of central filling or some such. The spell on the hat has nothing to do with Trixie's position as town representative, and everything to do with her position of as Luna's personal apprentice. Using it to "jump-rank" such as it where and bring the mundane trivialities of Ponyville directly to the Princess is a pretty gross violation of political procedure; Trixie would know better than that, and even if she didn't Luna would make a clear point of it pretty fast.
2095965
Sorry, but I must disagree, the so called S2 Pinkie is sort of exactly what we want, as it bears out the theme that the L!M6 are more self-centered variants of the characters from the show. You want to write fics about Pinkie as a multifaceted fully realized character, that's what M! is for (or maybe an L! side story, but not core episode). In L! she's not one of our main or even secondary characters, she's tertiary at best. She doesn't need depth or development, and works best as a sort of recurrent gag. Pinkie is for us what Derpy is for the show, and so should by and large be left in the background where she belongs with her crazy antics as her chief defining feature.
Sometimes yes, but the better episodes show them using stools or cushions, and whenever possible we should do the same I think.
2108233 I agree. Bad B-plots can kill great stories/episodes. A great example is the Star Treck Deep Space 9 episode "Our Man Bashier".
A-plot: Mystery, intrigue, and a dark past for a mane character revealed!
B-plot: Will the bumbling comic relief character be able to get a date with the ditzy comic relief character?
I really love that Trixie is friends with Pinkie pie. I might try to do a one shot story of them spending time together.
2097337 I disagree. Mainly with the word "only". Unicorns are magical by nature, and can use telekinesis and create light at will. RDD also implied that they can all do minor magical tricks (prestidigitation) at will. Further, they all have a "signature spell" related to their cutie mark. For example, Trixie's invisibility, Twilight's teleportation, or Rarity's gem locating. If they train (either through wizardly books like Twi or sorcerous experimentation like Trix) they can learn more spells. Any unicorn can learn the portal spell, but few choose to due to the difficulty and high mana cost.
Loved Bonbon's mom, she's just crazy,
update... yay!
You read SCE too? Awesome!
Also, when you said his name was Tin Taylor, well:
Do they have a neighbor who is wiser than all of them and has a face that is never seen?
Oh I cannot wait for things to begin to go horribly wrong, so that the hijinx can start,
I like what you did with expanding Davenport's inventory -- makes sense. Although, four employees on duty all at once plus himself seems like an awful lot of staff. On the show at least his store doesn't really look any larger than Subarcube Corner and the Cakes make do with just themselves and a single employee. Also, whereas the cakes have to contend with splitting their time between the counter and the Kitchen, Davenport and any staff can pretty much spend all their efforts on the showroom floor. As such while he might have two or three employees, I can't imagine he'd ever need them all on call at the same time, but rather that they'd work in shifts.
Also, is Tin's magic weak because of his small horn size or because he's recovering from some recent injury? I'd rather prefer the latter, as I don't really care for the implication that horn size is directly proportional to a unicorn's magical output. After all, Lyra's horn, while not nearly so diminutive, is still supposed to be shorter than average, but she's got more raw power than Trixie (even if the showmare knows the wider variety of spells).
Anyway other than that not much more to comment on because not much really happened. I guess I felt Lyra could have been more embarrassed and/or defensive when her dads asked about her popping the question, no one really likes it when there parents pry into such matters. Still, that sounds like complaining on my part, when really this chapter is just fine. A little dull perhaps, but I'm feeling that was intentional so as to contrast the attitudes of the two different families. In the end the chapter severed it's purpose, the audience has been introduced to all the players and the grand event has been proposed, now we just sit back and enjoy the inevitable fireworks.
This is pretty adorable! A nice domestic scene can be very heart-warming. It's good to meet Lyra's parents, finally. The Quills and Sofas pony! I take it that Tin is her biological father, then, given that her mother is a pegasus. They are both pretty adorable.
I can't help but wonder whether part of Lyra's reluctance to propose to Bon-Bon is that she doesn't feel that she'd be able to make their relationship work as well as her parents' relationship does. I can definitely see that possibility.
2754437
I suppose they could make custom furniture as well.
Nice back ground for Lyra and her family. I'm also assuming that Tin has some sort of injury reducing his magic.
Ahh Quils and Sofas, the store that made my RP group make every store sell two unrelated items. Every store.
Why is Trixie odllso scared of Honeydew? With her theatrics, the former ought to looking looking at the latter as a role model.
Please drop me a note (or ping the board or something) when you add the proposal -- I want to see what you write about that. :-)
Haven't read yet. Have you finished your re-writes?
So... is this story dead?
3769867 No rewrites...
3794758 New chapter coming. Either this week or the next, but soon.
3796055
If there are no more re-writes. Can you get rid of that? Or are you still in the process of fixing the chapters?
Aha, Aha ha ha...
This couldn't possibly be preparing to explode in a volatile mess of defecation and electric oscillation devices.
ITS ALIVE!