A Trip to the Spa

LunaLover1990

LunaLover1990 #1 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · 2 ·

Reply

Well, this should be interesting. FIRST COMMENT!

LunaLover1990

LunaLover1990 #2 · Dec 24th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Reply

Well... That was... Interesting... I will now go and... Rethink my life. And take care of the awkward boner I have.

Fimbulvinter

Fimbulvinter #3 · Dec 25th, 2012 · 3 · ·

Reply

Constructive Critisim inbound.

I'd like to start off by saying that while this story is well written, you are moving into a topic that has been done many times before and will be inherently judged against such fics.

Story
The storyline of pony going to the spa only to take A&L to bed has been done plenty of times before. While this in itself is not a bad thing, what it means is that you need to make sure you offer something unique to the reader to make yours stand out.

General descriptions of the spa could be improved. little things like having A&L lead the character over to a massage table before asking him to lie down.
E.G.

You are greeted by two very beautiful spa mares. They both have accents you wouldn't mind hearing forever, and they ask you to lie on your stomach and spread your wings open.

becomes

You are greeted by two very beautiful spa mares. They both have accents you wouldn't mind hearing forever. The pink and blue mares lead you over to one of the comfortable looking massage tables and they ask you to lie on your stomach and spread your wings open.

Something that seemed lacking was the reason for A&L to start having sex with you. They begin to give you a massage and quickly shift into giving you a blowjob with little hesitation. You mention later that they have a special package which is implied to contain acts like this, so they lack a viable reason within the story to be doing this if they know that you havn't paid for it.

To counter this, you could easily add in at the start that one of them either is or just has been in heat and that residual pheromones are clouding judgement, or have the friend at the start imply that the spa is more than just a beauty parlour if you have the courage and the bits to ask.

Characters
Using a second person setting inherently means that you are sacrificing all the personality and developement of the largest character in the story for the sake of allowing the reader to insert themselves into the story. Personally I feel that second person style does not work well in a non interactive story setting. It works best in a story where the reader has some choice, such as a choose your own adventure style fic as this allows the reader to have the main character act as they would in real life. Through out the story I was mostly brought out of immersion by thinking 'but I wouldn't do that'.

You state that the main character is a pegasus, but then don't give any more information regarding description

Aloe and Lotus however I thought were fairly well done. Their personalities at the start seemed to be correctly show canon - reference to their exotic accents. Their actions when the actual sex starts also seem to be reasonable for a pair of twins. All they really needed was a reason to get started in the first place.

The goth pony receptionist seems like such a throw away character that i wonder why you even included them, given that we have seen Lotus handle the reception in episodes like Green isn't your colour.

Grammar
I'm happy to say that 95% of this story was excellent as far as grammar usage is concerned. Good use of paragraphing and splitting new speakers.

Only one line really jumped out at me as feeling wrong.

Her pink sister (Aloe, you remembered her name) returns with a cream.

This line starts in present tense, jumps to past tense and then goes back to present. I would switch remembered to remember, as remembered is a past reccolection while remember is current.
E.G.

Her pink sister (Aloe, you remember her name) returns with a cream.

Aside from that one point, I thought that the grammar was good. Punctuation and capital lettering was consistent throughout

Final verdict: Not bad for a first try. Could use additional descriptions to immerse the reader.
Recomendation: Give a reason for Aloe and Lotus to be so eager to have sex with stranger who hasn't paid the fee.

Remember that I am not trying to have a go at you regarding any of the above points. I thought that this fic was not bad for a first try, but could use a little bit of work in a few places. Feel free to overrule or argue any of the points with me if you want.

~Fimbulvinter. Section Trainee for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble.

spetsnaz pinkie pie