• Member Since 21st Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 16th, 2014

Serenity Grace


T

Applejack is looking for a certain relative of hers that has never shown up to any get together, despite having seen her just recently. Determined to have all members of the family arrive at this party, the cow girl sets off on her mission. But will she be expecting what she finds? (Human-verse because of how I imagined it, mentions of death )

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 1 )

Kinda rough in terms of grammar, word choice, etc., but your dialogue feels pretty nicely in-character. The actual construction could use some tweaking, but the lines definitely make me feel like I'm listening to AJ and Lightning. (Interesting pairing, btw!)

You did better with the ellipses, but they're still a bit overdone -- or rather, not used very effectively. In particular, I'd strongly recommend avoiding "blank" dialogue like the line you give to Applejack after Lightning refuses to go to the party ("..." A sigh escaped the apple picker's lips). That sort of thing works well enough in visual media (e.g., it's popular in manga), but in text, it's pretty much pointless. If a character isn't speaking, simply don't add dialogue. You could have gone directly into AJ sighing:

"I'm not going."

Applejack sighed, raking a hand through her hair.

It's a cleaner, smoother construction. Also, note how I switched around the subject and verb. "Applejack sighed" is a much stronger construction than "a sigh escaped."

Keep at it! :twilightsmile:

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