Always Look Back

Fluttershy and Big Mac used to live a happy, carefree life together.

Now Big Macintosh is one of Celestia's greatest soldiers in the war against Discord. Fluttershy is a trusted Elemental General, one of six.

Equestria: Blocks the memories of soldiers to cut ties. Makes all soldiers sound the same. Uses the Elements seperatly, thanks to Twilight. Has Spike, now a large, pony-crushing, 50 ft. tall dragon.

Discord: Misshapes soldiers. Whispers lies of hatred, and forces soldiers to murder close relatives. Has own Elements. Has Discord.

Discord is winning.

Real original, I know. Rated teen for (so far) sexual references and mild cursing.

If you downvote this story, please tell me why so I can improve.

IF YOU ARE A TOUCHY PERSON, I SUGGEST NOT READING THIS.

Chapters (3)

The First Three Days in Hell · 19th Jan 2013 · 1,344 words
1,344
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The Next Day/ Allies · 26th Feb 2013 · 1,781 words
1,781
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Mission: Escape · 28th Jun 2013 · 2,210 words
2,210
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Comments ( 11 )

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Gremlin Grenade

Gremlin Grenade #1 · Jan 21st, 2013 · 2 · · The First Three Days in Hell ·

Okay, before I get started with the first chapter, I think the description needs editing. It doesn't really tell the reader much about the story itself, and it also appears to contradict the tags (namely the romance one, and that the reader may be confused as to why a war story stars Fluttershy and Big Macintosh. Also you need a dark tag). Obviously you should mention the war in the description, but I suggest making it a bit cryptic and focusing on the main characters. Onto the story itself!

She opened her eyes to darkness. Fluttershy sat up quickly, remembering the night before. A sob escaped her throat. She wailed, stopped only by a voice coming from her right.
"Don't cry."
She sniffed. "What?"
"Don't cry. They'll prey on you."

You should specify the voice comes from a different cell, because the scene is a little disorienting as it is.

"A mare? That can't be right. Maybe we should taker with us.

It should be either "Maybe we should take her with us" or "Maybe we should take 'er with us" (if you're trying to represent a bit of a dialect.

"Yes we could show her around, have a party in the bedchambers!" the other laughed. He started to unlock the cell door. Fluttershy pressed against the wall. "Aww, look, she's scared. I bet you want your bunny friend about now. Oh, but too bad. We're having Angel soup tonight!"

This got real dark real fast, especially compared to FMF (not that I have a problem with dark, just took me by surprise)

She lunged right up to the bars of the door and bent them apart.

I get that you're trying to portray how angry she is, but this is pretty much impossible for a mare like Fluttershy, and comes off as being silly rather than serious.

The first gaurd finally reacted and hit her in the head with the butt of his massive claws

Okay, at this point it's pretty apparent I don't know what these things are. In fact, it's not been explained who these characters are at all up to this point, I've assumed they're the guards, so if they are not too much explanation is needed, but a little more time needs to be spent setting up the scene (conversely, I have to admit that this story gets to the action nice and quick, which is something that a lot of stories fail on, so maybe describe the environment at this point or right before they hit her to keep that going).

A pink mane, sprawled across her tiny body, as he held her in his arms.

I'm not sure why this is indented so much and in italics. Typo, maybe? Also, ponies don't have arms.

"How do you know my name?" he yelled.

I'm not sure why this is in italics either. You need something more to show his intensity here, because otherwise yelling seems out of place. Describe his expression, or add more detail in the intonation of his voice.

"Awhile."

A while is two words.

Out in the courtyard, wich was basically 40x40 yards square of dirt and bolders, Big Macintosh hid Fluttershy behind a particurally bloody rock. "Could we, perhapes, change—"
"No. You can't be seen by the guys."

I'm not totally sure what's going on here. Who's speaking and where are they?

"They would rape me."

Be careful with this. Some people get veeeeery touchy about rape.

Overall, I liked it! You really are a much better writer than a lot of Fimfiction, and I think this story is particularly going good places. The back and forth between dark and cute moments is actually a very nice contrast that draws the reader in and makes them feel for the characters more.

Sorry if I was a little harsh, and I hope that helped!

peep

peep #2 · Jan 21st, 2013 · · · The First Three Days in Hell ·

1994052
The italics signify a memory breaking to the surface.
It has to be dark, for I must balance the universe within myself. (cute story need dark story)
Arms. What was I thinking?
Being careful, put up warning.
DONE!!!!
thank you!

DarthSylar12

DarthSylar12 #3 · Jan 24th, 2013 · 1 · · The First Three Days in Hell ·

I'm intrigued. I love your descriptions and I find the world you've set up interesting. I like how the characters are acting, there is obvious some distance between them, emotional and physical, they've also changed and I'm interested in hearing what happened to them and if they can reconnect. Overall I like this and I will keep my eyes on it. Usually not a big fan of Dark fics, but I'm willing to try anything once and you haven't disappointed. See you in Brighter Days!