Dream On

Metool Bard #1 · Feb 12th, 2013 · · ·

Hmm. I dunno.

The concept is alright, but the execution bugs me. Having Rainbow Dash constantly wake up and fall asleep is very jarring, and the ending isn't really all that shocking. Plus, while the descriptions of the events she is experiencing is spot-on, I don't really know what's going on through her head besides her self-assurance/denial. Why exactly does this scare her? Is it because her wings aren't responding like they should? If so, say that. In fact, it would be better to expound upon that than to focus on this existential "what-is-dream-and-what-is-reality" concept.

Don't get me wrong, the existential bits don't subtract anything from the story, but if we're going to be invested in Rainbow Dash's fear and peril, you have to show us what she's feeling. You know, besides panic.

As it stands, it's a good effort, but I think there should be more insight into Rainbow Dash's psyche.

Slate the Pegasus

Slate the Pegasus #2 · Feb 12th, 2013 · · ·

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I liked it it was creepy but I wish their was more

BlaappyMLP

BlaappyMLP #3 · Feb 12th, 2013 · · ·

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2111783 Thanks for the criticism. It really helped. I'm new here, so I can use every bit of help I can get. Plus, It's only my second story. So, sorry that it's bad... I'm sorry if my story didn't entertain you... Plus, this story was written a long time ago when I didn't even have an account. But anyways, thanks for the help! I'll try harder to make a better story next time!

Metool Bard

Metool Bard #4 · Feb 12th, 2013 · · ·

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2112017 I never said bad. I said it was a good effort. You have a talent for writing, and like I said, you were able to paint a vivid picture of what Rainbow Dash was experiencing. I just thought that it would've been a lot stronger if you also showed us what Rainbow Dash was feeling.

Eighth Note

Eighth Note #5 · Feb 12th, 2013 · · ·

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it was a good story (great descriptions by the way ) but it was kind of repetitive

Metool Bard

Metool Bard #6 · Feb 13th, 2013 · · ·

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Now this is much better. The insight into Rainbow Dash's mind really helped, and you didn't have to sacrifice any of the existential themes that you were going for. A job well done.