Princess of the Night

by Blagdaross

Chapter 1

Princess of the Night

300 years after the return of Princess Luna

***

“Hello there, fillies,” a green stallion said, leering across the table. “You look a little lonely.”

Three seated mares considered the two would-be suitors only briefly before the middle mare shook her head slightly.

“Come on, let’s see some smiles,” the first stallion said, not catching the gesture. The two mares on the sides gave him a glare that could have re-frozen the Crystal Empire. Fortunately, his companion was a little more sober.

“Let’s go,” the sober one said. “Fun fillies don’t sit at tables. Fun fillies are on the dance floor.” The two left.

“I wonder if the fun colts are on the dance floor, too,” Nightflutter, the mare on the left said. She was a pale grey pegasus pony with a long, charcoal black mane and an eagle cutie mark. The lavender unicorn in the middle gave her a look.

“I’m a fun mare,” said Angel Beats, the one on the right. She was a pale blue-grey pegasus with a light grey mane and a heartbeat line cutie mark. Her ears were drooping.

“We didn’t come here for colts. We came here for music and cider. And I’m all out of cider,” the middle one said. She stared into her empty glass as if remembering a long-lost friend.

Nightflutter was a mare of action, however, and quickly waved for reinforcements. “Come on, Twilight. We’re here to loosen up a bit. Of course we don’t want colts. We want stallions.

“I don’t want any males—” Twilight Sparkle began, but Angel interrupted.

“You want mares?”

“Gah! I want quiet so I can listen to the band!”

Soon she had a fresh mug and enough silence at the table to let her listen. Nightflutter and Angel weren’t particularly into jazz, but this rendition of La Vie en Rose was exactly what Twilight had wanted when she left home this evening.

***

Wandering through the late-night streets, the three mares chatted and giggled. They were quiet, in spite of the alcohol. The cool night air cleared their heads a little, but with all the bars closed, it seemed like things were about to get boring, and a bored Angel Beats could be a problem.

"We should go to another club!" Angel squeaked.

"It's after 3 am. All the clubs are closed. We could arm wrestle?" Nightflutter offered.

"We could dance right here then!" Angel began hopping in place.

"Not in the middle of the street with no music!” Nightflutter rolled her eyes. “ Staring contest, go!"

Angel didn't even look at her. "I know! Let's make snowponies!" Angel tried.

Nightflutter facehoofed. "It's the middle of summer, Angel." Nightflutter countered with a sigh. "How about a race?"

"Keep it down, fillies," Twilight said.

"Okay, a silent race. We're good at that!" Nightflutter said. "End of the street and back! On your mark, get set, go!" The grey pegasus took off with a kick and a whoosh, but not a very loud whoosh. Twilight shook her head and stood silently.

Angel looked disgusted. "What does she think she's doing! We can't leave-"

"Watch what you say," Twilight warned.

"Sorry," the blue pegasus responded.

Nightflutter returned, embarrassed. "I shouldn't have-"

"Forget it. I understand, really," Twilight said. “Now where did we park?”

***

The chariot was easier to hide than one might have thought. Sure, it’s big, and would be very difficult to turn invisible, yet there is a spell to make ponies just ignore it instead. They simply treated it like part of the background. Twilight didn’t like using the chariot on trips like this, but teleporting that many ponies carried risks.

After a little more walking, they came back to the beach where they had first arrived in town. "Come on, I got a bottle we can share," Twilight offered. The two pegasi leapt over the chain separating the beach from the street; Twilight just phased through it. She felt a little bad about trespassing, or breaking any rule really, but then again she had earned a few privileges, hadn't she?

When she got back to the chariot, two stallions were waiting for them. Shadow Wing and Big Fang were two of the most imposing batponies Twilight had ever met, but Shadow Wing was really very friendly. She wasn't so sure about Big Fang. He was too shy to get a read on. "Can you do me a favor?" she asked Shadow Wing. "Make sure no one bothers us?"

"Yes ma'am," he said as he trotted off to the fence. Twilight frowned a bit at being ma'amed.

She dug into the boxes on the chariot with her magic. At three in the morning, there was no more need for the good stuff, so she pulled out a bottle of not-quite-awful whisky. The two pegasi were already sitting in the sand waiting for her. They looked at her expectantly, but trustingly. They looked at her like they were waiting for, well... a friend.

Twilight opened the bottle.

***

"Ma'am," Shadow Wing said, cutting off a drunken train of thought. Twilight turned to him. The pegasi were still giggling about something, but Twilight had already forgotten what. "It's getting early."

While part of her mind pondered the odd language they all used, she hauled herself to her hooves and prepared to cast a spell to purge the alcohol from her and her companions' bodies. With a grunt, and a splash of green across her face, she managed the feat. It would have been an easy spell if she was sober to begin with, but then what would be the point?

Head cleared, she proceeded to drop their disguises. Her legs and horn lengthened, her trunk stretched, her coat darkened to indigo, and her royal regalia reappeared. Her mane took on its mystical aspect, a flowing cloud of starry sky. Twilight Sparkle, Princess of the Night, successor to Princess Luna, shook her head and gathered herself once again. With a bright burst of purple magic, she cast the spells to make the moon set and the stars dim, the last of her nightly duties. Well, almost the last.

"Come on, everypony. It's time to go home," she commanded. Angel Beats and Nightflutter didn't complain. Back in their batpony forms and Royal Guard armor, they were all business now. Shadow Wing and Big Fang were already ready to pull the chariot home.

***

Twilight Sparkle alit on the Sun Tower's balcony just as Cadence opened the door to her chambers. "Good morning, sister," she said. They had been calling each other that since Shining Armor passed away. They were the only family either had left.

"Mornin'," Cadence began to yawn, but paused, "Hey, what's up?"

"What do you mean?" Twilight didn’t quite make eye contact.

"Another one of those nights?" Cadence raised an eyebrow.

"Whatever do you mean, dearest sister?" A ghost of a blush appeared on her cheeks.

"I assume there was some cider involved? Possibly a jazz club? Maybe a stallion?"

"I have no idea where you get these ideas! I had a regular night of watching over the Kingdom." The blush materialized further.

Cadence, still ruffled from just waking up, stared into Twilight's eyes. "No stallion. Definitely cider and jazz. Don't try to hide things from me, Twilly. I used to change your diapers."

"Okay, fine. I was out. I know you do the same thing some days."

"I'm not accusing, Twi. I do understand completely. I'm just not sure these excursions are working. You still seem stressed."

"Sorry. It's... actually, you know how it is."

"I do. One minute, I need to do some work here." Twilight stood back while Cadence raised the sun. It was not a simple spell, but surprisingly elegant in its design. Then she smirked. "Maybe next time, try a stallion."

"Cadence!"

The Princess of the Day continued to smirk for a second, but then the smile changed. She leaned over and gave Twilight a gentle nuzzle. "Sleep well, sister."

Twilight returned the gesture. "Have a good day, sister."

Author's Note:

Special Thanks to AcreuBall for editing, and Comet Burst for use of his batpony!

Comments

[Field_Marshal_Luna]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMPLETE........can we haz Moar pls?

[Blagdaross]

2160869
Thank you so much for asking, I consider it a really big compliment, but...

I'm really not sure where else to go with this idea.

[Comet Burst]

You know, I have a few favorites, but I keep rereading this story.

I do like this story a lot, and not because my OC is here. It's a refreshing Slice of Life fic I could keep reading if you ever keep writing.

[kalash93]

Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors. I'll be writing up your review soon.

[kalash93]

Reviewer: Kalash93

Story: Princess Of The Night

Grammar: 10

Pros:
The story is a new take on Twilicorn being immortal and having everypony she knows die.
The story does a very good job at maintaining a constant melancholic tone without feeling overwrought.
The story was fun to read.

Cons
The story did not push the sadness enough.
The story did not involve Cadance except for a small part at the end of the story.
The story did not go long enough.

Notes
I like how you covvered the seldom-discussed topic of how one deals with the pain of losing friends long after they are gone and the grief has cooled. That is something that many authors who do these alicorn stories forget to think about. The story was constantly melancholic. It was just enough to convey the point without seeming as if you were trying to force the reader to feel sad. The story was fun to read. Even though it's marked as sad and the subject material is heavy, you kept me interested and engaged. However, the sadness could have been pushed more. By including comparisons to lost friends as well as spending more time with Twilicorn and Cadence, you could have properly developed this. Instead, you just made a sex joke. Cadence ought to have played a greater role in this story. You wasted an opportunity to have the two least-developed alicorns talk about how they deal with immortality. Finally, this story needed to go on just a tiny bit longer. Just an extra two hundred words would have been enough for a writer of your caliber to deal a deathblow to a reader's feels.

You win 4/5 flutteryays

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Reflections: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/85411/reflections

[Blagdaross]

2262087 Thanks for the review... More Cadence could have been included, you have a good point there. Maybe I will revisit this idea after all.

[TMH]

This Review is Brought to You By The Letter F The Group Authors Helping Authors

Story: Princess of the Night

Grammar Score (Out of Ten): 10 Some more elaborate words and wordplay, especially for the descriptions of Royal Interaction, but that's mostly personal preference.

Pros:
1. A great and well executed concept, very original
2. Darn near perfect pacing
3. Simply enthralling all around

Cons:
1. Short, very little chance to get pulled into the story or explore the world and characters you've created.
2. Short, very little explanation given as to who the other mares were or why Princess Twilight was with them or knew them
3. Misplaced tag, this story wasn't sad at all. Touching and engaging yes, sad no.

Notes: A very, very enjoyable read. For being so short it did an awesome job at pulling me in and making me care about the characters. So much so that I want more. A lot more. Honestly this story is so short and so SoL that there's very little for me to critique. The grammar, syntax, and other basics seem to be consummate, but you characterization or descriptive ability might be lacking. I don't know because you've given me very little to work with. Maybe add some inner-reflections, what does Twilight think of a building she passed on her way back to the castle? How's the weather? HOw does she prefer it? Why? Does that pony remind her somepony else? That random object? Who does it remind her of? Why? You see what I'm getting at? There is so much potential here. You obviously have a firm grasp of the English language, but you haven't really told a story yet. You've given us a nibble. With grammar as fine as yours and an idea as original as this, you could go far. I'm talking feature-box. I'm talking maybe even EQD. Just gimme some more so we can find out.

This Review done as per non-requesting request. You're welcome.

Carry On

[Blagdaross]

2267907 Wow. Thank you. Wow. I'm embarrassed by your praise.

[Blagdaross]

Updated the tags (not sad, yes Twilicorn) and changed status to Hiatus. Some idea seeds have found their way into my brain; not sure yet if they'll grow...

[Cloud Shaker]

Well, uh. I'm a man of my word, but I'm not sure if I will be able to give you a particularly helpful review.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Grammar score out of 10: 7. There were a lot of areas where your syntax felt very awkward. Good use of vocabulary and technically correct grammar, however.

Pros:
- short lil tale that has the potential to go in a lot of interesting directions if you so choose
- interesting concept of having Celestia and Luna completely replaced by Cadence and Twilight

Cons:
- I was very, very confused. Extremely so. The fact that there is very little detail involved in the entire story only further increases my confusion.
- Twilacorn immortal while everyone else dies concept; wasn't particularly skillful in execution
- Areas where Twilight's character felt very out of place. The notion that she would be out hitting up bars in the first place feels bizarre, but then her manner of speaking and the way she's described doesn't click with how she acts in the show (in other words, OOC)
- pacing could use improvement

Notes Section:
Firstly, I'm a terrible reviewer, so I'm sorry if this doesn't help much.

This fic could use a lot of improvement. If you want to pull off the Twilacorn immortality concept, you've got to give it more description in order to have the reader connect to the characters. Here it felt like you were yanking the reader along on a chain without allowing him to fully immerse himself in the story.

As I mentioned earlier, your syntax has many occasions where it felt awkward. I had to actually roll a couple sentences around on my tongue before I could continue reading through it because they caught me off. There's also the fact that you simply rush through the story without any padding whatsoever; sometimes, padding is necessary to even out the flow, so keep that in mind when you're writing a fanfic

Overall, I would rate this at a 5 out of 10. It has the potential to go somewhere, but as it is right now it feels like a raw gemstone that has to go through quite a bit of refinement.

Best of luck!

[Comet Burst]

This review is brought to you in part by Authors Helping Authors and from viewers like you.

Story: Princess of the Night

Grammar: 9/10
Very well done. It felt a little awkward at one point (the argument after the club), but it was easy to look past.

Pros:
Characters: I've read and attempted to write some Twilight Sparkle, but this was by far the best depiction of her I've seen, especially post alicorn transformation. She did seem more somber compared to her companions, but I understood why.
Flow: The story felt very natural in how events played out. It didn't feel forced, rushed or slow; it was perfectly paced. Knowing from personal experience, this is a very difficult thing to do correctly.
Dialogue: The speech from the characters were just as believable as them. Every conversation, from the drunk stallions to Cadance and Twilight's final banter, all went logically and sounded real.

Cons:
Setting: Sadly, I had to read this twice and read your description to understand just what was wrong. If the idea is Twilight is depressed about not having her five friends, it really didn't show it. She was sad, yes, but the reason why was lost early on.
Length:
Probably the most common complaint, this is also one of the largest. The story ended pretty abruptly, leaving no resolution. Twilight seemed just as depressed at the end as she was in the beginning, there was no mention on what happened to her guards who accompanied her or even if Cadance knew anything was wrong. It really could have been fleshed out more to encompass these, some simply needing one sentence. (I.e. Twilight bid her guards goodnight as they left her for their bunks.)

Notes:
This is one of my favorites. I like the style you write with and how the story felt while reading. While my own character, Angel, is part of it, that had no impact on how I reviewed your story or why I like it. You wrote a magnificent Twilicorn who I would love to write about myself.

However, I really did take issue to how short it was. I was drawn by the premise and expected something to happen, but it ended and I felt like you teased me. I was really hoping for a good Twilicorn oneshot, but this did leave me wanting more. Not a full blown novel, but more description into what led to this or what went on during this. There is very little inner monologue letting us know how Twilight feels, but with just a couple extra sentences here and there, that can be easily remedied. This is still a fantastic story regardless, one well worth rereading.

Regard,
C.B. author of The Golden Armor and creator of the batpony Angel Beats.

[Blagdaross]

2329797 2295962 Thanks for the feedback, I probably will re-write this sometime fairly soon. I'll try to address the issues you mentioned, as well as others.

Twilicorn is just too interesting a concept to be left alone, but clearly I need to be clearer.

[Tripl3M]

Interesting... Hope there will be more coming soon... Or at least someday..

[Alchemystudent]

I like this, it has an interesting idea with a nice focus. It helps to show that Twilight wont nessecarily be alone after her friends die and will have the chance to unite with Cadence and use her as a light for her.

[Jioplip]

I like this, it's bittersweet and touching, if short, and it leaves me wanting to read more, though admittedly it's mostly because I'm curious about other details of Twilight's life and thoughts.

Tuna.

[Tramper]

Have a review.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Princess of the Night

Grammar score out of 10: 10

Pros (list three pros):
You did a good job portraying the mood in this piece.
Your style is pretty good as a whole, with your pacing being just right for this kind of thing.
Twilight's Characterization was very good, especially since you only showed us how she reacted to certain things. From her very first moment I could really see the melancholy that was hanging over her.

Cons (list three cons)
The biggest problem is really it's length. You've got good ideas, but they're left hanging by how little you give the reader.
The characterization of the supporting cast wasn't as strong as Twilight's, especially in case of what their exact relation to her is.
And I had no idea how everything just looked in this story. Has Equestria changed visually in the 300 years? Is it more modern, still medievalesque?

Notes Section
Ultimately, this story has a lot of good concepts and ideas but because of the length, none really get a chance to shine. I started reading and a few moments later it was already over and not that much has been said. You kept things subtle, I take it that was planned, but a bit of reflection from Twilight's side might've engaged me more as a reader. That and descriptions above how the characters look.

You still get a like and if you're going to expand on this story, I'd be really glad to read it.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: How Sisters Collide

[Octavia Harmony]

Wow, really interesting read. I didn't expect Twilight and Candance to be Moon and Sun, considering how if only 300 years have passed Celestia and Luna should still be alive and well.

[Blagdaross]

2843065 My headcanon states that they 'went away,' possibly to the afterlife, but being Buddhas that only lasts as long as they want it to.

[Fruiting Body]

This is really very good! Short though... You express the concept very well in 1400 words, but with how well you write I don't think this would suffer at all by being flushed out a bit. I certainly hope you choose to write more, whether it be for this story or something completely new!

[Phoenix Skyfire]

are you planning to continue this?

[Blagdaross]

3182498 Not at this time. I just don't have any idea where to go with it.

[Phoenix Skyfire]

3182518 idk if you would be into it or not.. but maybe try turning it into a Romance between them?

[Blagdaross]

3182619 I think that would betray the mood. I have no problem with shipping in general, or even TwilightxHerBatponyGuard shipping, but that's a different story than this one,yaknow?

[Phoenix Skyfire]

3182648 only reason i say it is cause how you alrdy wrote it... it would build into a great romance imo

[Gilimmar]

2164456 Remember: You don't have to go for huge-underlying-evil-schemes. You can just make little drabbles and slice of life one shots- you've seen those type of one shot stories, right? Right. Either way, though, remember: We'd appreciate if you kept writing, you don't have to. Anyways, great story!

[Titanium Dragon]

Heh, funny that I should search for a story called "The Princess of the Night" and wind up at a story that someone I know wrote.

I don't mind the idea behind this story at all, but unfortunately, I don't care much for the story itself; nothing really happened, and it didn't really go anywhere.

Honestly, I think one thing that would have greatly improved this story would be the removal of the 300 years after the return of Princess Luna bit at the very start, leaving the reader not knowing what is going on until later in the story, when Cadance shows up. As is, the story is just flat; Twilight mopes around for an evening, and there's no actual dramatic tension at all, no great reveal at the end. If that had been left out, if things had been left more ambigious, you could have played it up more and made the reveal more powerful. It would have given the story more of a point.

[Silent Strike]

yet there is a spell to make ponies just ignore it instead.

Perception Filter

[Bad Horse]

Angel looked disgusted. "What does she think she's doing! We can't leave-"
"Watch what you say," Twilight warned.
"Sorry," the blue pegasus responded.
Nightflutter returned, embarrassed. "I shouldn't have-"

I didn't understand this. Are Angel and Nightflutter her guards? Are they the same ponies as Shadow Wing and Big Fang?

I didn't read it as Twi mourning for her earlier friends. I just read it as Twi being pensive. It's a good slice-of-life.