Twilight Sparkle doesn't always have the easiest life, but maybe she can bear it, with a little help.
Cover Art by feather-chan. Many thanks!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 24th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 4th, 2023
Blagdaross
Just a guy who like ponies and words
Blagdaross
Joined 24th Jan, 2013 ·
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMPLETE
........can we haz Moar pls?
2160869
Thank you so much for asking, I consider it a really big compliment, but...
I'm really not sure where else to go with this idea.
You know, I have a few favorites, but I keep rereading this story.
I do like this story a lot, and not because my OC is here. It's a refreshing Slice of Life fic I could keep reading if you ever keep writing.
Kalash93 from Authors Helping Authors. I'll be writing up your review soon.
Reviewer: Kalash93
Story: Princess Of The Night
Grammar: 10
Pros:
The story is a new take on Twilicorn being immortal and having everypony she knows die.
The story does a very good job at maintaining a constant melancholic tone without feeling overwrought.
The story was fun to read.
Cons
The story did not push the sadness enough.
The story did not involve Cadance except for a small part at the end of the story.
The story did not go long enough.
Notes
I like how you covvered the seldom-discussed topic of how one deals with the pain of losing friends long after they are gone and the grief has cooled. That is something that many authors who do these alicorn stories forget to think about. The story was constantly melancholic. It was just enough to convey the point without seeming as if you were trying to force the reader to feel sad. The story was fun to read. Even though it's marked as sad and the subject material is heavy, you kept me interested and engaged. However, the sadness could have been pushed more. By including comparisons to lost friends as well as spending more time with Twilicorn and Cadence, you could have properly developed this. Instead, you just made a sex joke. Cadence ought to have played a greater role in this story. You wasted an opportunity to have the two least-developed alicorns talk about how they deal with immortality. Finally, this story needed to go on just a tiny bit longer. Just an extra two hundred words would have been enough for a writer of your caliber to deal a deathblow to a reader's feels.
You win 4/5 flutteryays
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Reflections: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/85411/reflections
2262087 Thanks for the review... More Cadence could have been included, you have a good point there. Maybe I will revisit this idea after all.
This Review is Brought to You By
The Letter FThe Group Authors Helping AuthorsStory: Princess of the Night
Grammar Score (Out of Ten): 10 Some more elaborate words and wordplay, especially for the descriptions of Royal Interaction, but that's mostly personal preference.
Pros:
1. A great and well executed concept, very original
2. Darn near perfect pacing
3. Simply enthralling all around
Cons:
1. Short, very little chance to get pulled into the story or explore the world and characters you've created.
2. Short, very little explanation given as to who the other mares were or why Princess Twilight was with them or knew them
3. Misplaced tag, this story wasn't sad at all. Touching and engaging yes, sad no.
Notes: A very, very enjoyable read. For being so short it did an awesome job at pulling me in and making me care about the characters. So much so that I want more. A lot more. Honestly this story is so short and so SoL that there's very little for me to critique. The grammar, syntax, and other basics seem to be consummate, but you characterization or descriptive ability might be lacking. I don't know because you've given me very little to work with. Maybe add some inner-reflections, what does Twilight think of a building she passed on her way back to the castle? How's the weather? HOw does she prefer it? Why? Does that pony remind her somepony else? That random object? Who does it remind her of? Why? You see what I'm getting at? There is so much potential here. You obviously have a firm grasp of the English language, but you haven't really told a story yet. You've given us a nibble. With grammar as fine as yours and an idea as original as this, you could go far. I'm talking feature-box. I'm talking maybe even EQD. Just gimme some more so we can find out.
This Review done as per non-requesting request. You're welcome.
Carry On
2267907 Wow. Thank you. Wow. I'm embarrassed by your praise.
Updated the tags (not sad, yes Twilicorn) and changed status to Hiatus. Some idea seeds have found their way into my brain; not sure yet if they'll grow...
Well, uh. I'm a man of my word, but I'm not sure if I will be able to give you a particularly helpful review.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar score out of 10: 7. There were a lot of areas where your syntax felt very awkward. Good use of vocabulary and technically correct grammar, however.
Pros:
- short lil tale that has the potential to go in a lot of interesting directions if you so choose
- interesting concept of having Celestia and Luna completely replaced by Cadence and Twilight
Cons:
- I was very, very confused. Extremely so. The fact that there is very little detail involved in the entire story only further increases my confusion.
- Twilacorn immortal while everyone else dies concept; wasn't particularly skillful in execution
- Areas where Twilight's character felt very out of place. The notion that she would be out hitting up bars in the first place feels bizarre, but then her manner of speaking and the way she's described doesn't click with how she acts in the show (in other words, OOC)
- pacing could use improvement
Notes Section:
Firstly, I'm a terrible reviewer, so I'm sorry if this doesn't help much.
This fic could use a lot of improvement. If you want to pull off the Twilacorn immortality concept, you've got to give it more description in order to have the reader connect to the characters. Here it felt like you were yanking the reader along on a chain without allowing him to fully immerse himself in the story.
As I mentioned earlier, your syntax has many occasions where it felt awkward. I had to actually roll a couple sentences around on my tongue before I could continue reading through it because they caught me off. There's also the fact that you simply rush through the story without any padding whatsoever; sometimes, padding is necessary to even out the flow, so keep that in mind when you're writing a fanfic
Overall, I would rate this at a 5 out of 10. It has the potential to go somewhere, but as it is right now it feels like a raw gemstone that has to go through quite a bit of refinement.
Best of luck!
This review is brought to you in part by Authors Helping Authors and from viewers like you.
Story: Princess of the Night
Grammar: 9/10
Very well done. It felt a little awkward at one point (the argument after the club), but it was easy to look past.
Pros:
Characters: I've read and attempted to write some Twilight Sparkle, but this was by far the best depiction of her I've seen, especially post alicorn transformation. She did seem more somber compared to her companions, but I understood why.
Flow: The story felt very natural in how events played out. It didn't feel forced, rushed or slow; it was perfectly paced. Knowing from personal experience, this is a very difficult thing to do correctly.
Dialogue: The speech from the characters were just as believable as them. Every conversation, from the drunk stallions to Cadance and Twilight's final banter, all went logically and sounded real.
Cons:
Setting: Sadly, I had to read this twice and read your description to understand just what was wrong. If the idea is Twilight is depressed about not having her five friends, it really didn't show it. She was sad, yes, but the reason why was lost early on.
Length:
Probably the most common complaint, this is also one of the largest. The story ended pretty abruptly, leaving no resolution. Twilight seemed just as depressed at the end as she was in the beginning, there was no mention on what happened to her guards who accompanied her or even if Cadance knew anything was wrong. It really could have been fleshed out more to encompass these, some simply needing one sentence. (I.e. Twilight bid her guards goodnight as they left her for their bunks.)
Notes:
This is one of my favorites. I like the style you write with and how the story felt while reading. While my own character, Angel, is part of it, that had no impact on how I reviewed your story or why I like it. You wrote a magnificent Twilicorn who I would love to write about myself.
However, I really did take issue to how short it was. I was drawn by the premise and expected something to happen, but it ended and I felt like you teased me. I was really hoping for a good Twilicorn oneshot, but this did leave me wanting more. Not a full blown novel, but more description into what led to this or what went on during this. There is very little inner monologue letting us know how Twilight feels, but with just a couple extra sentences here and there, that can be easily remedied. This is still a fantastic story regardless, one well worth rereading.
Regard,
C.B. author of The Golden Armor and creator of the batpony Angel Beats.
2329797 2295962 Thanks for the feedback, I probably will re-write this sometime fairly soon. I'll try to address the issues you mentioned, as well as others.
Twilicorn is just too interesting a concept to be left alone, but clearly I need to be clearer.
Interesting... Hope there will be more coming soon... Or at least someday..
I like this, it has an interesting idea with a nice focus. It helps to show that Twilight wont nessecarily be alone after her friends die and will have the chance to unite with Cadence and use her as a light for her.
I like this, it's bittersweet and touching, if short, and it leaves me wanting to read more, though admittedly it's mostly because I'm curious about other details of Twilight's life and thoughts.
Tuna.
Have a review.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Princess of the Night
Grammar score out of 10: 10
Pros (list three pros):
You did a good job portraying the mood in this piece.
Your style is pretty good as a whole, with your pacing being just right for this kind of thing.
Twilight's Characterization was very good, especially since you only showed us how she reacted to certain things. From her very first moment I could really see the melancholy that was hanging over her.
Cons (list three cons)
The biggest problem is really it's length. You've got good ideas, but they're left hanging by how little you give the reader.
The characterization of the supporting cast wasn't as strong as Twilight's, especially in case of what their exact relation to her is.
And I had no idea how everything just looked in this story. Has Equestria changed visually in the 300 years? Is it more modern, still medievalesque?
Notes Section
Ultimately, this story has a lot of good concepts and ideas but because of the length, none really get a chance to shine. I started reading and a few moments later it was already over and not that much has been said. You kept things subtle, I take it that was planned, but a bit of reflection from Twilight's side might've engaged me more as a reader. That and descriptions above how the characters look.
You still get a like and if you're going to expand on this story, I'd be really glad to read it.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: How Sisters Collide
Wow, really interesting read. I didn't expect Twilight and Candance to be Moon and Sun, considering how if only 300 years have passed Celestia and Luna should still be alive and well.
2843065 My headcanon states that they 'went away,' possibly to the afterlife, but being Buddhas that only lasts as long as they want it to.
This is really very good! Short though... You express the concept very well in 1400 words, but with how well you write I don't think this would suffer at all by being flushed out a bit. I certainly hope you choose to write more, whether it be for this story or something completely new!
are you planning to continue this?
3182498 Not at this time. I just don't have any idea where to go with it.
3182518 idk if you would be into it or not.. but maybe try turning it into a Romance between them?
3182619 I think that would betray the mood. I have no problem with shipping in general, or even TwilightxHerBatponyGuard shipping, but that's a different story than this one,yaknow?
3182648 only reason i say it is cause how you alrdy wrote it... it would build into a great romance imo
2164456 Remember: You don't have to go for huge-underlying-evil-schemes. You can just make little drabbles and slice of life one shots- you've seen those type of one shot stories, right? Right. Either way, though, remember: We'd appreciate if you kept writing, you don't have to. Anyways, great story!
Heh, funny that I should search for a story called "The Princess of the Night" and wind up at a story that someone I know wrote.
I don't mind the idea behind this story at all, but unfortunately, I don't care much for the story itself; nothing really happened, and it didn't really go anywhere.
Honestly, I think one thing that would have greatly improved this story would be the removal of the 300 years after the return of Princess Luna bit at the very start, leaving the reader not knowing what is going on until later in the story, when Cadance shows up. As is, the story is just flat; Twilight mopes around for an evening, and there's no actual dramatic tension at all, no great reveal at the end. If that had been left out, if things had been left more ambigious, you could have played it up more and made the reveal more powerful. It would have given the story more of a point.
Perception Filter
I didn't understand this. Are Angel and Nightflutter her guards? Are they the same ponies as Shadow Wing and Big Fang?
I didn't read it as Twi mourning for her earlier friends. I just read it as Twi being pensive. It's a good slice-of-life.