Head in the Clouds

by Noash123

Ardency

Please note that this chapter is being based off of the re-written version of Amour.

"Love, till dawn sunder night from day with fire, dividing my delight and my desire." - A.C. Swinburne

---

Rainbow Dash opened her magenta eyes, being greeted by the morning sky. She lifted her head up sleepily, tempted to simply lie back down again and enjoy the comfort of the field, sleep whisking her away from this world. She stood up lazily, yawning as she stretched out her body. Her wings opened to their full extent, a looming shadow being cast upon the land.

“Maybe I should head home. Wouldn’t want to be missed.”

Dash took one last look at the nature around her. She breathed in the refreshing smell of the cool grass, savoring the aroma. The scenery melted away her problems. With a final content sigh, Dash took off into the air, heading home.

---

Rarity started her walk back to the Boutique. Her heart was filled with disappointment.

“I guess I can come back later..”

Rarity felt it though. She was losing the will to state her mind. While previously the heat of the moment had given her confidence, this confidence had begun to fade away. Her desire to tell Rainbow Dash her feelings was waning.

“I hope she comes back soon..”

Rarity walked idly, losing herself in her mind.

---

The setting sun had set the sky afire with color. The two had settled on a grassy hill, overlooking the calm, clear water. The soft wind flowed through their manes. Rarity looked down, a pair of glistening eyes meeting her own. Rainbow Dash smiled warmly, leaning her head on the unicorn’s shoulder.

They both looked out across the crystal ocean. Rarity had become lost in her emotions.

“Peace, happiness, love..”

All of these emotions had overwhelmed Rarity, but one emotion was prominent, one that she couldn’t help but notice the most.

“Trust.”

Trust in their relationship. Trust in Rainbow Dash. But, most of all, trust in herself. Trust that she had made the right choice. Trust in that she had picked the right mare, the one she--

---

Rarity broke out of her vision, interrupted by a beating of wings. She looked up, spotting a familiar rainbow-colored mane flying high over her. She stumbled, attempting to remove the vision from her mind so that she might get her thoughts together.

“She looked like she was heading home.. maybe I should head back..”

Rarity mustered whatever courage she could, beginning her walk back to the cloud formation. And while seemingly much time had passed, Rarity realized she had not made it far from Rainbow Dash’s home, the house only being a short walk back. Rarity stopped a moment, looking at the in-flight Rainbow Dash. She saw it again, in her form; something more than just swiftness.

Elegance.

Rarity’s face heated. She took one last glance at Rainbow Dash before beginning her walk back.

---

Rainbow Dash once again nearly flew through her door; this time, though, she had much more control, stopping fleetly once inside her home. She set herself down airily, the white clouds pillows beneath her feet. She yawned drowsily.

“Guess I didn’t get as much sleep as I thought.”

With another small yawn, Rainbow Dash walked over to a window. Closing her eyes, she once again breathed in the fresh morning air, contently sighing. She relished mornings like this. Calm, peaceful, and not a single cloud in the sky. She opened her eyes, surprised to see something she hadn’t noticed before. A pony on the road, walking towards her house. It looked like..

“Rarity? What is she doing here?”

Rainbow Dash cantered to her door, opening it hastily. Unfolding her wings, she promptly took off into the sky, heading towards the white unicorn.

---

Hearing a flutter of wings, Rarity raised her head, looking for the sound’s source. She didn’t have to look far.

“Rainbow Dash?”

Rarity was stunned. She didn’t expect to be meeting with her yet. She wasn’t prepared. Stopping in her tracks, Rarity hurriedly thought about what she should say.

“Tell her I’ve been thinking of her? No, no. I love you? No. Mayb--”

“Hey, Rarity. Something you need?”

Rarity looked up from her thoughts. She hadn’t noticed the pegasus until she spoke.

“Oh.. uh.. yes, actually..”

“Alright. Shoot.”

Rarity still hadn’t figured out what to say, but she had been put on the spot. She decided to go with whatever came out.

“Rainbow Dash.. I’ve been thinking about what happened.. in the Boutique.. and I realized something..”

Rainbow Dash nodded, acknowledging her friend’s words.

“I can say ‘I love you’. I never thought of this before.. but I do love you, Rainbow Dash. I didn’t consider how much I really did until you told me how much I meant to you. You’ve opened my heart up to love.. true love.. love that burns for only you. Rainbow Dash, you’re the only mare I want to be with. Nothing can change that.”

Rainbow Dash’s cheeks burned. A smile spread across her face. She felt tears coming to her eyes.

“Rarity.. I.. I love you, too.”

The unicorn smiled, embracing the pegasus in a tight hug. Dash returned it, a slight sob escaping her.

“Rainbow Dash.. thank you for this.”

They slowly pulled away from each other, staring into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you for showing me true love.”

Comments

[Noash123]

Alright, final chapter. Hopefully I don't get scolded for putting a not entirely conclusive ending on the story. I want the reader to draw their own conclusion. Also, I've been thinking about another story topic, but I want feedback on this story before I move back on to the next one. Anyone mind giving me an overview of how I can improve?

[ugugg93]

Hello fellow pony lover! You've seen me comment before, and I'll give you the best reply I can without making such a large block of text that it crushes you to death

PS: I'm going with the revised ending here

I'll start with the positives. Your build up to the climax (rising action if you will), was very well done. You characterized Rainbow very well, showed her on how she handled her feelings for Rarity, and when she finally told her, and she reacted to the rejection the way I could totally see her reacting ("Eh, whatever"). On Rarity's side, it was less touched on obviously, but the few moments in the build up that you dedicated to her were well done. It was a logical reason for the delay of Rainbow talking, her rejection of Rainbow was handled as I could see Rarity do, and the whole "I thought you would like Applejack" was a very nice inclusion. The dream sequence, while I typically am not a fan of them (especially when used to bait-and-switch), was used correctly, and helped the reader realize how much Rainbow liked Rarity without just "telling them" if you know what I mean. Plus, it was cute. As for the post rejection, the way that Rarity realizes that she was scared, and goes to find Rainbow after was well done, and the whole climax was fairly well written. Also, the grammar in the story is fairly well written, and pretty free of mistakes (as I could see).

Now, the negatives. After the rejection, having Rarity realize that quickly that she likes Rainbow felt... off. Maybe if you had did a fast forward of a week or so, and made it clear that Rarity had been thinking about the moment, and how now she couldn't think of anything but Rainbow, and mention that she rejected her only because she was a mare, it would've felt smoother. After Rarity runs to find Rainbow at her house, motivations of Rainbow leaving her house, and staying out for the night are iffy, but that's more a personal issue for me than bad writing. Finally, and I think the biggest issue, is that after Rainbow says her big speech earlier about how Rarity didn't say she was sorry, and had no regrets and such, when Rarity comes back, that is completely forgotten. Just felt like after the such a long point in the story with how Rainbow liked that about aspect about Rarity, Rarity does a 180, and does the exact thing Rainbow doesn't like, and there are no repercussions. Even if its Rainbow kidding around with Rarity saying something like, "I thought you weren't sorry" or something like that would've been nice, but that is absent. A small note is that I feel that the chapters are too short, and almost should be double the length, but that's more my writing style clashing with yours, so I can't fault you with that.

Also, I like how you, in the first ending, made the story end with a strong allusion to the beginning dream, but that's personal preference.

Overall, the story is very very good, and I enjoyed the entire ride. I felt the story was rushed in the final few chapters, which took away from the beautifully done beginning, but besides this, there were only a few issues. Also, I would like to applaud you at taking an unusual shipping, and making it work

Whew. Hope that wasn't took long of a review. If it is... THEN TOO BAD!!!

[ugugg93]

Oh, and I'm somewhat depressed you never had a scene similar to the picture of the story, but now I'm nit-picking

[Noash123]

229357 Wow. More in-depth than I could have hoped for. Anyway, I apologize for leaving the character of Rainbow Dash in the last few chapters. Also, the fact that you said they felt were rushed I can agree with you on (even though I took about a total of 4 hours on the last one. Probably a little less on the others.). Hopefully I can improve my writing in a different story. This one won't be about romance though, I'll tell you that. Not sure if I'm suited for romance writing. Anyway, anyone up for an Amnesia: The Dark Descent crossover?

[ugugg93]

229613

No worries! Unless you have something posted somewhere else, this was your first story, and it totally had my attention the entire time (and even brought me back for a second ending ) And If romance isn't your thing, then it isn't your thing. No worries.

And sadly, I have never heard of it before, but I am willing to give anything a try

[Noash123]

229621 Really? My friend said they're not common but not unique. Hopefully get a chapter of it up tomorrow?

[ugugg93]

229682

Never heard of Amnesia at all. Guess I'm in for a surprise!

[Noash123]

229702 Really? May I suggest you look it up? Extremely frightening game.

[Zaqup]

229702 Look it up. It's a really well done game that uses suspension and scare tactics to the fullest turning most full grown men into screaming little girls

[The Dragon Warlock]

Nice ending here, but I expected them to kiss, not just hug each other.

[Nyysjan]

Liked this one, it's one of the less likely ships out there considering RD and the mane6, but was dealth in realistic manner.
Characterization was pretty spot on, and loved the RD's "just putting this out there" attitude, no huge confessions or drama, and after being turned down "eh, whatever" is so like her (even if she was devastated, she would not show it).

The story felt rushed though, the 180 Rarity did felt bit hasty, also, the chronology felt bit jumbled, probably due to all the dream sequences, might want to make them more obvious.

[JustAnotherBadSonicOC]

228887 So can we make our own alternate endings to this if it is a-ok with you? neacuse i thought of a really good alternate ending, but there will be no sadness in it. So is it alright with You?

[Noash123]

409605 Wow, I finished up this story quite a while ago and I'm still getting feedback? Anyway, on the topic of an alternate ending: Go head! I've got no problem with it at all.

[Noash123]

Alright, I removed the "Sad" tag as I didn't really feel this as a proper sad story. Not even sure why I put it there in the first place.

[Diamond Sparkle]

Hoe sweet.

[Noash123]

Wow. 5K views on my first story. Thanks guys!

[Brohgue]

NO KISS!? IMPOSSIBRU!