Chapter 2- Meeting Harry
"That's good," said the big (well, giant) Earth pony standing in front of the Alicorn boy. "I'm glad you decided to go. Tomorrow we'll go get your supplies."
The young Alicorn looked back at his cousin. "Will she be okay?"
"Who cares about her," The Earth pony sighed at the colt's glare. "Yes, she'll be fine."
"I won't be fine after standing next to you," she said. "Oh, do you stink!"
"You're just a big old pig. A scaredy-pig at that!" For the unicorn filly went to cower behind her parents.
"At least Harry will be gone. Good riddance!" Diamond Tiara's father, Filthy Rich, said.
"Sorry, but he'll be back!" said Magic Umbrella (for that was the Earth Pony's name). "And Harry's a much better pony than you!"
"Thanks, Magic Umbrella," said Harry.
"Are you excited, 'Cause I'm excited- I've never been so excited! Well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went HUH, but I mean really, who can top that?"
"We get it Pinkie," said Twilight grumpily. They were at the Ponyville train station, ready to get on their train. There were 10 platforms around them. Ponies busily rushed around, trying to get on their trains on time. There was a giant sign between Platforms 5 and 6 that read PONYVILLE TRAIN STATION: Platform 1, Platform 2, etc. etc. (for as you probably guessed, the sign went up to Platform 10). Each name had an arrow pointing to the platform of that name. The train station had a souvenir shop, a ticket stand, and even a hot dog cart! Pinkie Pie came back with a hot dog. Her friends stared at her.
"What? It's good."
Twilight had been surprised to find out they weren't going to Canterlot (and Rarity was disappointed), and Twilight was also because she couldn't find their train. She walked up to the ticket stand.
"Um, excuse me sir, but will you kindly point us in the direction of platform 9 3/4?" Twilight asked a stallion.
"I'm sorry, Princess, but there isn't a platform 9 3/4," he explained.
"Same thing I keep getting!" Twilight exclaimed, exasperated.
"Um... maybe you shouldn't keep asking, then," the stallion muttered under his breath.
"What's that?"
"Nothing," he said, shaking.
"I heard you. What should you say? Maybe an apology?"
"Sorry?"
"That's better." Twilight grinned at Rainbow Dash, who was laughing.
"Whazzat? Nothing! What should you say? I demand you to apologize! Sorry!" Rainbow said. Everyone stared at her.
"Rainbow!"
"You shouldn't make fun of something you are doing yourself!" Applejack said.
"All right, all right, I'm sorry, too," Rainbow exclaimed. "Uh!"
"Does anypony know the way to platform 9 3/4?" A colt asked loudly.
"Nope, sorry, we're trying to find, it, too," Twilight explained. The colt looked at her and bowed.
"Just treat me like a normal pony. You're an Alicorn, I see? Were you born that way?" Twilight said.
"Yes, I don't know why," the colt said.
"And you are?"
"Harry Potter." He looked up at Twilight, and she could see a scar on his forehead, as could everpony else, and quite a few ponies gasped.
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Okay, for starters there's a grammar error in the first chapter.
I think you meant 'were'.
But the Princess doesn't explain more in the letter because it's seems like the letter's only several sentences long. I know you want Celestia to give a scare to Twilight, but even then if she's trying to get Twilight to a new school that she wants Twilight to name (you also need to explain why Celestia wants Twilight to name it), she'd add an explanation at the end.
The chapters seem a bit too short. It doesn't really ground the reader into the story's setting and plot that well because everything's moving too fast, and we also don't have time to know the personality of the protagonists or characters. Plus, it's detrimental to the pacing, so it's better to make certain dramatic scenes longer to avoid getting the reader disoriented.
Fast paced scenes are okay in action sequences, but in times when characters are conversing or not being in constant action, it's better to describe things slowly. This is the beginning of a larger story, after all; the vital time when the reader gets to know who the characters are, where they are and why the reader should care for them. With the story's current pace, the reader isn't going to be interested because they know so little about what's going on. Where is Twilight pacing around? Why is there an alicorn named Harry Potter and an Earth pony named Hagrid (they're not exactly pony names)? What is the train station like? When writing, keep asking yourself the same questions a reader would ask when reading your story, even obvious ones.
2374313 Thanks again, I'll fix it, that's the sort of things my parents always tell me!
I'll change Hagrid's name, but I kind of want to keep Harry's (since it's a Harry Potter crossover).
2833163
Thanks!
The Chapters Should Be Longer. Atleast 1000 Words In My Opinion
2846112
The next chapters will be longer.
I am...not a big fan of Harry Potter....okay that's a flat out lie I've never even read a single book and I only watched part of one of the movies and I didn't like it. That said.
MOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!
That is umm.......if you don't mind that is......
Also, can you get some real cover art? Like, go on the MLP wiki and get a picture of Twilight doing magic or something. Because seriously, that little pencil sketch makes me want to cry.
This story has been officially graded an Agate by The Gem Hunters.
Same issues I keep finding with your stories. Slow down a bit. Provide more descriptions. Extend the chapter length. Also, was it really necessary to make Harry an alicorn? A unicorn would have been just fine.
3728744
Right. My later stories are slower, and Harry was an Alicorn because of Quidditch.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/003/a/3/agates_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70ortg.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Agates
3094996 That's a little mean, but I have to agree. When you see the smaller version of the story, you can't see the picture. A screencap of Twilight would make your story more recognizable.