Need Help with Another Story · 4:50am Aug 26th, 2015
Lunar Apprentice readers, you have been my most reliable readers to turn to for feedback, so I'd like to call your attention to another of my stories, The World-Jumper. It's an HiE fic, with the protagonist (Jack West) intervening through the course of the series, starting with Mysterious Mare-Do-Well. I feel like the story has stagnated; I'm putting a lot of effort and consideration into it, but the last two chapters have earned me next to no favorites, comments or follows. That's why I need your help: to figure out what the problem is and decide what to do about it. More on that later.
For your own sake, I would advise you skip to the chapter called Turning Trix (based on Magic Duel), so here's a summary of the story leading up to that point (which, by my own admission, kinda sucks compared to the rest of the it):
Jack West is best described as similar to Batman, a man who has trained himself to his physical and mental peak, except (very) willing to use guns and far more morally ambiguous (he's seen as a supervillain on Earth). He also eschews theatricality and deception for more direct, military methods. Experimenting one day with teleportation technology, he is tossed into a void between realities, but soon returns to Earth. However, this breach causes random intersections to occur between the real world and various worlds based on fiction, which he spends the next year or so cleaning up after. He also develops his teleportation technology to create bridges between these realities, and raids them for technology to reverse-engineer and further his own ends.
But on one mission, Jack finds himself caught by an intersection, and arrives in Ponyville during the events of MMDW. He helps Dash apprehend the Mare-Do-Wells, inadvertently deepening the rift between her and them, and he eventually does fight the Mane 6 (minus Dash). Twilight calls in Celestia and Luna, but they all have to put aside their differences when Jack discovers that Equestria and Earth are threatening to coinhabit a point on the spatiotemporal plane, thus destroying them both. With the power of all eight ponies fueling his catastrophe-averting device, he manages to, well, avert catastrophe and fall into the good graces of all the Mane 6, as well as the Princesses. Seeing a chance to change his ways, Jack decides he may want to move to Equestria permanently.
But the chaos of these events is enough to release Discord, who returns for revenge. Trapping Jack and the Mane 6 in a pocket dimension, he splits them up and strips Jack of (most of) his weapons, requiring each to find their Element of Harmony in another hedge maze in order to escape. By climbing over the hedges (which a pony would not be able to do), he finds a way to cheat, and with wits and ingenuity helps each of the Mane 6 defeat a deathtrap and thwart Discord's attempts to recorrupt them. In the end, he tricks Discord into defeating himself, then, when he has the chance to strike him down for good, offers him a second chance instead. Discord repents, and things end with Jack beginning to build a home on the edge of the Everfree Forest.
Jack also assists the Mane 6 against Chrysalis and the changelings, Sombra and other ne'er-do-wells, but those are stories for another day. This leads us eventually to Turning Trix.
So, now that you're up to speed, I'd invite you to peruse the story at its best. I feel like each chapter from Turning Trix on is my writing in its prime, on par with the back third of Lunar Apprentice and Night Terrors. If you're a Whovian, you'll love Lord and Master, a big, fun, messy crossover, and if not, the next chapter is an Appendix to explain things and give you enough knowledge of Doctor Who to enjoy it. I'd definitely advise reading them in order, though; there are important continuity connections between chapters.
Bleh, almost done. This is what I wrote in a blog post to the World-Jumper's existing followers:
World-Jumper readers, Dazzled has so far turned out to be the story's worst overall release in terms of release-day views, and ever since Lord and Master I feel like the story has kind of stagnated. Lord and Master, Twilight of the Gods and Dazzled have received next to no critical response (read as: comments), and haven't garnered near as many favorites or follows as I'd expected. The shame of this is that I feel like all three are pinnacles of my FiMFiction writing career, and I'd at least like some feedback, even if it's criticism.
So first, what do you think is wrong? Is it too convoluted and hard to pick up? Does Jack West seem like a Gary Stu or author insert OC? Is it too technical, action movie-esque, or mired in references? I really don't know, so please tell me, even if it seems like it should be obvious.
Second, where should I go from here? Call it complete and end it now? Rewrite the story up to Turning Trix? I just don't want to carry on writing a story with no readers, so I'm willing to consider literally any suggestion. Thanks.
Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.
This is just my view, so take it with a grain of salt. The HiE sub genre is probably the most over saturated one this fandom has, so seeking followers and favorites with it is rather hard. Especially since most of them follow the same basic story line.
Human comes to Equestria. Human encounters ponies. Fighting or large misunderstanding takes place. Magical gobbledygook with princesses. Decides to stay/leave. Wacky adventures may or may not be guaranteed.
You certainly seem to have more attached to yours than others, especially with those crossovers, not sure if that hurts or helps. I suppose you just need the right people to find it. Most people turn away at the mere mention of HiEs now.
Honestly, I'm not too sure how it could be improved, but I hope this might provide some insight on its slight stagnation. I'm not saying its bad, by any means, I enjoy your writings deeply and I'll probably take a look at this one soon enough. Sorry if I couldn't be much help, just wanted to try giving my two cents.