After Sunset Shimmer's defeat Twilight returns to the human world to see what's changed, but as soon as she arrives she realizes that it's worse then before, people have gone missing, a new guy has come to Canterlot High, People whisper of a creature in the dark, and the scariest thing is that after each attack a trail of black ink is seen leading into the lockers of students (note: this a add on story to my Equestrian Wars series if any want to know of the details in the story go to the YouTube Chanel of Skyler Maves)
Chapters (4)
I like the idea I really do, except if the bad guy wins then boo, but dude... Can you be anymore blunt? I would give this a like for the idea but the pacing the dialogue, and the plot points! Do you want to blast through this story? It is moving way too fast. The reason is solid, Twilight wanted to check on the girls, good, but then you went from cheerful to shit done happen in six seconds flat. I doubt people are ready for that kind of jump. Also you revealed the evil villains plans too fast. First focus on the characters, all I saw was Twilight in this almost no Pinkie or Rarity and nothing for the others. It's been a month and a ton of shit can go down in that amount of time. I am gonna fav simply to see what you do next. I have high expectations.
3311092 actually I didn't give the villains plan away yet besides I am actually making each character get a narration chapter
Also there's a tragic backstory in this story
3311148
I guess that can make up for it but please in the future try to flesh out the chapter more.
3311156 very well
3311391
So this is in the Spike group... If he has a reason to be there and is vital to the story I have an Idea that may just make it so... Do you want to hear?
3311403 sure I actually didn't know what to do with him so it'll help
The Second chapter sounded better in my head
3311403 much, much batter in my head
I actually have to ask why do the seven who don't like this story don't like it
3453247 It's not too detailed
3828158 explain
3829315 You have to show how they are the faces they make when they encounter something what they did and all that you know Details are what shapes the story
3836170 Ok, I see what you mean thanks for clarifying
3836516 Your welcome
Periods are nice. You should take lessons on the use of periods. This doesn't mean your story's bad or anything (I read one great AU in another fandom where the author seemed to have a thing against commas), but it makes your story harder to read, and most people take bad grammar as an indicator of bad writing.
To correct your summary (additions and corrections in red):
After Sunset Shimmer's defeat, Twilight returns to the human world to see what's changed, but as soon as she arrives she realizes that it's worse then before. People have gone missing, and a new guy has come to Canterlot High. People whisper of a creature in the dark, and the scariest thing is that after each attack a trail of black ink is seen leading into the lockers of students.
(note: this is an add on story to my Equestrian Wars series. If any want to know of the details in the story, go to the YouTube Chanel of Skyler Maves.)
3888515 Thanks, that'll help, and it's not that I have a thing against periods it's just I often don't know where the best place to put the periods is.
3888582
You should also remember that if it goes before a consonant, use the article 'a'. If it goes before a vowel, use 'an'.
Read your story and I like the idea of it. Though, a story is meant to have elaborations and I think your chapters are missing some info, something to give it the finishing touch to make it perfect. You have a creative idea but you need more details, know what I mean?
Another thing is that your story is a bit fast paced, maybe slow it down a bit and go more into detail of the characters and their roles? But just slow it down a bit and you'll be fine.
Like your story and keep going!
TheUndiscoveredPony
4078347 thanks, Love.
should be
7206434 Thanks.