A Changeling in Manehattan

by ChangelingOblivia

The Queen

It's been several months since the letter from queen Tetria, and while her house is guarded day and night, Oblivia can't help but worry for her life.

My queen is coming for me... Those guards can't be enough to hold her back. Even Chrysalis is afraid of Tetria!

Suddenly, the door knocks, causing Oblivia to jump in fright. As she opens the door, she finds princess Twilight and her friends at the door. Oblivia was about to let them in, if it wasn't for the fact that the guards were lying out cold behind them.

"Dear Oblivia, would you be kind enough to let us in?" the fake Twilight asks.

But Oblivia casts a spell that removes any and all disguises and she finds herself standing face-to-face with her queen. Queen Tetria was about the height of your typical Changeling queen. Yet her eyes gave a hint of pure insanity and mania. Oblivia knew it all too well. Tetria enjoyed torturing ponies and Changelings alike. Luckily, the spell Oblivia used stunned the queen and her minions long enough for Oblivia to knock the servants out and escape. Sadly, she didn't get far or she was hit by one of Tetria's spells, tying the Changeling up in transparent, yellow ropes.
As she lay there hopelessly, the queen just laughed.

"You thought coming to Equestria would protect you from me? I expected you to be smarter than that."

Tetria places her front left hoof on Oblivia's head.

"Now, you defied a direct order from your queen. You assaulted her guards. You became friends with ponies! The sentence? A cracked skull should do..."

Oblivia screams as she feels the pressure on her head. The layer of chitin covering the Changeling's body begins to crack.
Just before she loses consciousness, she sees a bright flash of several colors and a distant scream. And everything went dark.

By the time she wakes up, Oblivia finds herself in a hospital. When she looks around her, she notices several Changelings and a few ponies, including the pony who saved her, princess Celestia herself. Oblivia tries to speak, but another Changeling pushes her back down.

"You shouldn't put too much stress on yourself, ma'am. You were barely alive when we brought you here. Luckily, princess Celestia saw what was going on and saved you."

Oblivia looks at the princess and gives a smile, muttering the words "Thank you" before falling back into a deep sleep.

Several years later, Oblivia's chitin still has some cracks, specifically around her eyes and neck, but she no longer feels the pain. She's decided to teach all unicorn guards the spell she used to remove a Changeling's disguise.
When heading home, Oblivia stops at a nearby graveyard. Staring at two graves.
Here lie Peat and Rosebud Trottington.
Oblivia lets out a soft cry. Her parents passed away. But their memories together will always be with their daughter.

"Mom, dad... You were the best parents a Changeling could ask for..."

Author's Note:

My first story ever, don't be too harsh on it, please.

Comments

[JasontheDemon]

Not a bad concept but it is way too rushed. You should take your time with letting the character learn and grow. Let your readers follow along in the journey instead of tossing them a slide show and skipping between months and even years at a time.

Slice of life stories are meant to be like a stroll through a park in my opinion, and that means calm, slow, and relaxing. Every day should be seen as important and hardly anything should be missed. From one author to another, this story is salvageable but it should be stretched over many chapters and possibly even separate sequels all together. I give you an 8/10 for your premise and plot, but a 1.5/10 for timing.

[ChangelingOblivia]

4858712 Thanks for the advice. I'm more used to dialogue-based stories that I post on DeviantART (non-MLP stuff). This is my first story trying a different approach.
I'll try to do better on my next story.

[JasontheDemon]

4858875 I actually think you should just rework the story. Its not bad... just has some issues with pacing.

[NekroPony]

I really wanted to like this story, I thought Oblivia was cute... but I just can't find myself able to. I know Jason says that reworking it would be good, but I don't think that you should bother, yes the general idea is pretty good but this story read like a summery of a real story.

What you should do, is use this as a basic plot outline, start with a blank document. From this rewrite from scratch, only referring to the original story like it's point form. For each line in this story you should have 1 or more paragraphs.

I have been overly harsh, but I couldn't justify anything but a thumbs down, but I would love to hear more about Oblivia.

[ChangelingOblivia]

4872886 I know... I'm not completely used to this type of story... I'll redo the entire story soon. I rushed it as I had only a few days until I went on a vacation on France, where I would spend most of my time with family rather than write stories on a very slow laptop.