Oblivia, a lonely and young Changeling, wanders into Manehattan. Will she be able to survive in this big city, or will the hatred towards her kind be her doom? Only time will tell.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 4th Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
ChangelingOblivia
Nothing you really need to know about me.
ChangelingOblivia
Joined 4th Aug, 2014 ·
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Slooow doooown
Not a bad concept but it is way too rushed. You should take your time with letting the character learn and grow. Let your readers follow along in the journey instead of tossing them a slide show and skipping between months and even years at a time.
Slice of life stories are meant to be like a stroll through a park in my opinion, and that means calm, slow, and relaxing. Every day should be seen as important and hardly anything should be missed. From one author to another, this story is salvageable but it should be stretched over many chapters and possibly even separate sequels all together. I give you an 8/10 for your premise and plot, but a 1.5/10 for timing.
4858712 Thanks for the advice. I'm more used to dialogue-based stories that I post on DeviantART (non-MLP stuff). This is my first story trying a different approach.
I'll try to do better on my next story.
4858875 I actually think you should just rework the story. Its not bad... just has some issues with pacing.
I really wanted to like this story, I thought Oblivia was cute... but I just can't find myself able to. I know Jason says that reworking it would be good, but I don't think that you should bother, yes the general idea is pretty good but this story read like a summery of a real story.
What you should do, is use this as a basic plot outline, start with a blank document. From this rewrite from scratch, only referring to the original story like it's point form. For each line in this story you should have 1 or more paragraphs.
I have been overly harsh, but I couldn't justify anything but a thumbs down, but I would love to hear more about Oblivia.
4872886 I know... I'm not completely used to this type of story... I'll redo the entire story soon. I rushed it as I had only a few days until I went on a vacation on France, where I would spend most of my time with family rather than write stories on a very slow laptop.