The ponies followed Twilight and Rarity’s light spells through the darkness. The long winding tunnel eventually began to be more formed, the walls sharpening, staircases forming. Ferdinand got ahead of them once or twice, but Fluttershy always managed to call him back. They went down into the darkness so far, that the gravity began to shift as they approached the other end of the world, and they began to walk up staircases instead of down them.
Rainbow Dash walked next to Spike. At one point, Spike stumbled.
“You okay?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Yeah.” He grumbled. “Just a little tired.”
Rainbow Dash frowned, worriedly. “Do you want to ride on my back?”
Spike thought a bit, and nodded. He climbed onto her. “Thanks.”
“No prob.” Rainbow Dash kept walking for a while after that, as if trying to figure out what to say. She turned to the foal draped across her back. “Hey, Spike?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“You didn’t, like, just want to come because I’m you dad right? I mean… you know that you don’t have to be me?”
“I couldn’t be you if I tried.”
“Okay. Good.” Rainbow Dash beamed, and kept trotting forward.
They didn’t know how long they’d been walking for. There was no sun, no moon, no clocks. Just an empty tunnel, and an occasional squack from Ferdinand.
In the lead, Rarity turned to Twilight. “Twilight dear… may I be frank?”
“Yes Rarity?”
“I… have something to say. But I want you to Pinkie Pie swear that you won’t… well, freak out.”
Twilight was confused, but she complied. “Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Rarity smiled, but the thought of what she had to say turned her face back into a mask. “I… know what we’re going to find at the end of the tunnel, Twilight.”
“You do?”
“Yes.” She bowed her head. “At the end of this tunnel, you will find my parents, and a collection of their friends.”
Twilight looked confused, then shocked, then she looked like she was about to ask something, but Rairty put a hoof to her lips. “You Pinkie Pie promised not to freak out.” She said, pleadingly.
Twilight nodded. “Okay… not freaking out but… what? Why? How?”
“The ‘what’ is simple.” Rarity sighed. “According to Fluttershy, ‘monsters’ live in these caves, and we already know dragons considered ponies monsters. The why and the how… are less easy to explain. But…”
“Ahoy down there!”
They looked up. Somepony in a trottingham accent had called down to them from the top of the stairs. Somepony holding a lantern.
Twilight started to go up, but Rarity put a hoof to her shoulder. “I promise you Twilight, I left this life behind me. I would have told you about this, if I had ever thought we’d be going back in.”
“I say, ahoy there!”
“Who’s that?” Pinkie Pie asked. The others were close enough behind them now to hear the pony calling.
“It’s the watchpony.” Rarity said. She called back to him. “Ahoy Pipsqueak! It’s me, Rarity!”
“Ms. Rarity!? That’s great! Um… Is… is Sweetie Belle with you?”
“Not this time darling.”
“Oh. Well, don’t just stand there in the cold ‘n dank, come on up!”
“Rarity, what’s goin’ on?”Applejack asked.
“Well you see…” Rarity tried to explain. “My parents are sort of… tourists… who don’t have to pay to go where they want.”
“What’chya talking about?” Applejack asked.
“What I mean to say is, they are adventurers, of duplicitous nature and skill.”
“Rarity?” Twilight asked. “Can you tell it to us straight?”
“Oh my.” Rarity blushed. “What I mean to say is, my family is filled with experienced sailors who have no difficulty crossing blades if the occasion calls for it.”
“Speak English!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“I’m so dreadfully sorry.” Rarity apologized. “What I mean to say is… oh please, please don’t tell Celestia anything about this, but…”
They reached the top of the stairs. In the dim candle light, they could see they were in some sort of cavern. It was filled with torches, and half of the cavern was filled with some sort of underground lake. Ships were anchored in the lake, a portcullis built into one of the walls seemed to be their method of entrance. There was another ship, wrecked on dry land, but with a door carved into its side. The lights were on inside of the ship, and cheering could be heard from inside. Each and every one of those ships flew a black flag, with a pony’s skull and crossbones on them.
“Your family is pirates!” Pinkie Pie squealed.
Rainbow Dash took Rarity’s face in her hooves. “I…. have greatly misjudged your radicalness. Can you ever forgive me?”
“O-of course.” Rarity stammered.
Twilight facehoofed. “Rarity… I’m trying not to ‘freak out’ about your family being criminals but… please just tell me that you aren’t some sort of pirate princess.”
Rarity gasped. “Of course not! Pirates are anarchists, they don’t have princesses!”
“Sweetie Belle looks like a princess.” Pipsqueak offered from the side.
“Thank you Pip.” Rarity smiled.
“That is so not comforting.” Twilight gritted her teeth.
“Squack! Captain! Captain! Whistle!” Ferdinand flew off of Fluttershy’s shoulder, and into the shipwreck.
“That’s the secret underground level of Pony Joe’s.” Rarity said. “It’s a popular pirate haunt, where ponies can anchor their ships and have a donut and a drink without worrying about other pirates fighting them.”
“And it looks like we’re going in.” Twilight said. The others nodded in agreement. “But only because we’re on a mission for Fluttershy. Don’t think we’ve avoided talking about this Rarity.”
Rarity put on a shocked look. “Forgive me Twilight, but I hardly see the problem.”
“Your family is full of criminals!”
“It’s family. What can you do?” Rarity shrugged.
“Ms. Rarity… are you sure she should be let in?” Pip asked, eyeing Twilight suspiciously.
“Oh, she won’t be a problem.” Rarity smiled. “I’m sure a brave young gentlecolt like yourself wouldn’t find it amiss to let her through on my recommendation?”
Pip beamed and nodded. “Yep!”
“Wait!” Pinkie Pie jumped up.
“What is it Pinkie?” Rarity asked.
Pinkie Pie reached underneath, and pulled out a pile of eye patches. “I’ve been saving these eye patches everywhere for an eye patch emergency! We’re about to go into a pirate emporium! If ever there was an eye patch emergency, this is it!”
“Hmmm… yes, perhaps you’re right Pinkie.” Rarity picked up her own eye patch and began to embroider it.
Twilight looked ready to explode. “Pinkie, you knew about this place!?”
“Nope!” Pinkie beamed.
“Then how could you have hidden these eye patches down here before we got here!?”
Pinkie Pie winked – or perhaps, since she was already wearing an eye patch she had merely blinked – and trotted happily to Pony Joe’s.
“She’s Pinkie Pie sugarcube.” Applejack patted Twilight comfortingly on the shoulder. “You’d be better off trying to understand Discord.”
Twilight sighed, and trotted with the rested of them. The sound of cheering and merry making was prominent inside, and despite what should have been an ominous atmosphere, the ponies couldn’t help but feel like no harm could come to them as they opened the doors.
“’Tavy!?” Rarity squealed in delight. “Oh, ‘Tavy it’s been too long!”
In front of them was a grey earth pony, wearing what was without a doubt a Rarity original, albeit an unconventional pirate themed one. She walked on her hind legs, and wore a blood red coat that reached the floor with, along with a scarlet wide brimmed feathered hat and, somehow most prominently, a gem studded bow tie. Her cutie mark was a clef, and her mane was tied up in a prim and proper fashion.
“Rarity!” Octavia laughed. “I can’t believe you’re here! It’s been far too long.”
“Oh, I agree Tavy.”
Octavia leaped onto a table, and somepony passed her a cello. “Hey everypony! Rarity’s back! Let’s all celebrate!”
She began to fiddle a fast-paced tune on her cello, a tune that most of the pirates seemed to recognize and sing along with. Although, the singing seemed to mostly consist of the pirates yelling ‘Argh’!
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”
“Say what you will about pirates, but they can carry a tune.” Rarity chuckled and began to dance.
The pirates began to dance, unleashing a horde of perched parrots from their shoulders into the rafters. Twilight groaned. Somewhere up there was Ferdinand. Nopony else seemed to notice though, as Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash began to dance as well.
Octavia began to sing:
“Grab your Cider, hold it high!
Hit your shipmate in the eye!
Yank their mane and punch their nose!
Watch your step, it’s Pony Joe’s!”
Fluttershy whimpered in fear as the pirates began to act on these barbaric lyrics. As Rainbow Dash danced along, Spike fell off of her back, and Twilight scrambled to catch him, before one of the dancing pirates stomped a hoof to the floor, turning an old plank into a lever and catapault and launching the sleeping foal into the sky.
“Grab your Cider, hold it high!
Hit your shipmate in the eye!
Yank their mane and punch their nose!
Watch your step, it’s Pony Joe’s!
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash had joined a can-can line. Spike had landed on the chandelier made from a steering wheel, and was spinning around like he was on a top. Twilight called for Applejack, the only mare she could count on to remain sane in this situation, to help her save Spike. But Applejack had realized that the Flim Flam brothers were tending to the bar, and decided to engage in this excellent opportunity to beat them senseless according to the lyrics Octavia sung:
“Swing your shipmate, prominade!
Whack her with a rusty blade!
Spin around and Dosey Doe!
Watch your step it’s Pony Joes!”
The Flim Flam brothers were flung back into a pair of apple cider kegs, spilling the precious liquid into the waiting cups of the pirates, who somehow found a way to synchronize their dancing with their drinking. Spike fell off the chandelier, landing on the side of a table, which launched the various daggers, swords, knifes, forks, darts, and pointy things across the room. Twilight and Fluttershy almost had heart attacks as the pointy things missed them by inches, and buried themselves in a pair of pony shaped outlines in the dartboards behind them.
“Swing your shipmate, prominade!
Whack her with a rusty blade!
Spin around and Dosey Doe!
Watch your step it’s Pony Joes!
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh argh argh!”
A grizzled looking pony who had four peg legs got up onto the table next to Octavia and began to tap dance as the crowd sang. If Twilight had to describe the scene, she would have called it: Bar fighting! The Musical!
Pirates do as Pirates please!
We’re terrors of the Equestrian Seas!
And when we’ve pillages all our foes!
There ain’t no place like Pony Joe-oe-oe-Oes!
Take a swig of applejack!
Pat your shipmate on the back!
Then trip them up onto their nose!
(Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie actually managed to trip each other up on this line.) Oh!
There ain’t no place like Poooonyyyy
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
JJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh argh, Argh argh argh argh,/
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/
Argh Aaaaaaargh!/
OOOOOEEEESS!/
Spike woke up. “Man… what did I miss?”
What *head explodes*
“That’s the secret underground level of Pony Joe’s.”
"This is just in! In the small town of Arvidsjaur, Northern Sweden, an explosion shook the local library at 14:48 today, local time. The office of a local clerk, aged 41, was covered with blood and what the police's investigation has shown to be brain matter. Since his headless body was lying in the chair, having blown back by the explosion, the current theory is that his head exploded.
Further investigations has shown that the clerk was surfing the internet during coffee break, against company policy, and came across the infamous site fimfiction.net, which is believed to hold a fanfic of such immense ludcrousness that anyone who reads it risks what the experts have dubbed 'brainsplosion'!"
dafuq?
that was outta no where. this must be recreated in animation.
Hmm... the story has really taken it self down a few notches in seriousness.
The scene is from "The pirates who don't do anything" awesome scene, check it out if you can.
1 word what the hell ok it was 3 so sue me mary sue me that is (que me being bucked by applejack) love the song anyway KEEP IT UP
That......was bucking awesome.
Also, PIRATE OCTAVIA!!!! Someone needs to draw that!
Is Vinyl scratch there, too?
Expected an underground doughnut business dabbling in black market goods.
Got... Pip, pirate songs and eye patches.
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSOjTg-iDefRMs7XqAWkuor9ER_yodj921o7SQ4UvFkecKufmCwcg1puTO7Ag
Hilarious, yet sad and fantastic fanfic I can't stop laughing at the last chapter with Rariy's pirate parents!
Seriously? I mean it is all so random, yet fits so perfectly together...
What are we going to discover next? That Pinkie is a pony made out of Discord's chaotic magic or his daughter?! Wouldn't surprise me anymore... I will look forward to more chapters.
Oh my. I was expecting/predicting another fanfic where Rarity turns out to be a vampony. But this is so much more awesome. Eyepatch emergency ahoy!
694272 Yes. I agree completely.
Does anyone know someone good with flash?
694265 Nooooooooo!!
Sieurin!!!!
Now we shall never seethe end of under the northern lights!
Obligatory
694500 same here!
694575
plenty.
we just arent in talking terms.
e.g. the people who made "epic wub time"
tho i guess if enough ppl request it they'll do it.
694648 Ah... hadn't thought of them.
That story is insane, I LOVE it xD
Next step: Pinkie's parent are Nicolas and Pernelle Flamel, Twilight is actually Celestia's daughter through parthenogenesis and Applejack is the Doctor under disguise. Also Scootaloo is the queen of the Chickponies and Discord is a Frankenstein-like monster created by Star Swirl the Bearded.
Because Why the buck not?!
EDIT: Actually, I'm a frakkin' genius. I'm totally using some of these for my own stories. And more. Because Smarty Pants is totally Chucky. Also Shining Armor is a golem. I'm on a roll. SOMEPONY PLEASE STOP ME.
Hm. Interesting. Quite.
Terrifying thought! Child of Discord and Pinkie Pie!
Hmm... not April 1st...
well the whole story just has a shitload of randomness
did anyone else notice that tavi is missing vinyl
No wonder why Pip was dressed like a pirate at Nightmare Night, and a Pirate Octavia(I do wonder if Pinkie will recognize her as Inkie Pie), and the icing of the cake: RARITY IS A PIRATE PRINCESS!(and Sweetie Belle is too, but when you put it that way I do wonder why did they not tried to get any kind of piracy or naval related cutie mark yet)
All what we need now is that Pinkie reveals that she's the Daughter of Discord with a white coated, golden maned pegasus pony named Surprise long before he became evil and actually sent into the future(present timeline), or Celesita revialing that Twilight is some kind of a golem she created as some knid of disposable weapon against Nightmare Moon at first but now she actually considers and recognize her has her daughter.... or something like that
693818
You are so right. Fingers crossed that some artist will draw a scene from this.
694265
No! Not another one! WHEN WILL THEY FIND A CURE!?
694286
You expect seriousness in a fic about talking ponies? We're taking random to the next level over here!
694298
Thanks Janus.
694308
I was wondering if anyone would catch that reference!
...okay, now you're just trying for as wacky a secret for each character you can get.
694272 694379 694543 694559 694713
If there is anything to take away from this story, it is this: I WILL NEVER DO WHAT YOU EXPECT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Seriously, Pinkie Pie as Discord's daughter and Twilight as Celestia's (have those two cliches ever been in the same fic?) have been done so I'm not gonna do it . Rarity as a vampony I've never heard of (besides, aren't Changelings Equestria's versions of vampires?), and I'm generally not gonna do what you expect here. Even though you came up with some good one Raptor Jesus. But I can garantee, at least 70% of you will have brainsplosions when you find out Pinkie's secret .
And no, Vynil and Octavia will not be a couple in this story. Been there. Done that. I'm not gonna repeat other people's mad theories about the background ponies. But Vynil will feature in the sequel.
694633
What's LOR? I don't think I caught the reference.
694917
Why, whatever gave you that idea?
BEST FANFIC EVAR!!! MOAR NOW
694948
Don't care. Parthenogenesis is awesome. I'm totally gonna write a "My Own Little Filly: Parthenogenesis is LOVE!" fanfic.
And if you manage to surprise me with Pinkie's secret, you deserve an Internet.
My headcanon is that she's actually the reincarnation of the alicorn that created Discord. Or more exactly, that was used in the creation of Discord. He's a magic mix-and-match scientific abomination, remember? Also, her mane is actually her brain. And cotton candy. Which would explain a lot of things.
...Did I just blabbled a whole fanfic synopsis out of boredom AGAIN?
...Sorry, gonna take my pills now. I swear.
(...No, seriously, I'm under medication to stop doing that)
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This fic went from good to MARAVIWONDERFULLYFANTASTIAMAZING !!!!!
...why does this make sense?
I have no idea what the fuck is going on
...
I officially rechristen this story: Dafuq? The Fanfic
Rarity and Octavia are pirates...next thing you'll show us is that Pinkie's family are rock farmers!
...Wait
What did I just read? And why is it ten gallons of awesome and yet insanity? This is probably what we'd get if Discord was a writer instead of practical prankster.
You want to know the funny part about this chapter?
Pandora started a jaunty Irish sailing song right at the start of the bar scene for me. I have been laughing for nearly ten minutes, and it won't stop being funny.
K who has the next strange parent
694948
Changelings are more like succubi/incubi, I think.
695046
Pinkie's secret is that she's a totally normal earth pony who grew up on a rock farm.
Winning!
694948 Vampire Cheerilee has been done, here have a LINK
Because this is totally Related. No seriously, this is so related it's not funny.
First, Fluttershy is a dragon and ponies are monsters.
Then, Spike is a pony, Twilight a mother, and Rainbow a "father."
Now, Canterlot Castle is a blender, Pony Joe's is a pirate hideout, Rarity comes from a family of pirates and Octavia IS a pirate...
...
By the time this fic is done are you just going to have flipped EVERYTHING on its head? Because that would be great!
695046
That's an interesting theory. But my take on Pinkie Pie is something that I'm farely certain nobody has ever done before. I would say fully certain, but apparantly I'm not the first one to come up with Dragon!Fluttershy, or Pirate!Rarity, so maybe I'm just the guy who puts the theories in the same fanfic.
695202 695210
Such high praises!
695341
Thanks!
695365
That is so relevant!
695445
Thank you Zephyrus. No, I'll have only flipped the mane six on their heads. To truly flip the world over, I'll need the sequel.
Although... technically I already flipped everything on its head, because I decreed this world to be flat, and this adventure is mostly taking place on the other side.
Sorry if we disagree about the fight scene. To me, that scene's all about my audience's IMAGINATION!
What.
Okay... Calling it now, this chapter is a fake. None of this happens. And if it did...
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This. OMFG THIS IS AWESOME.
694713 I'm glad someone is going to do a Chucky/Smarty Pants thing; I've been waiting for that.
And as for you, Schrodinger, this was magnificent! I nearly died playing the song in my head. I demand more!
Octavia plays the bass.
695778
Well, the idea came to me, but I doubt I'll ever write it - I didn't watch any Chucky film, ever ^^'
695541
I'm looking forward to reading it. It's always fun to find new kinds of insanity. As long as the story keeps an overall plot and doesn't dwell into pure randomness, it'll be a pleasure to follow it.
wtb is what i just read?
any way good story
Thank you all! I think the sentiment behind WT & F has now been expressed towards me in every possible variation of the english language. But don't let that stop you from getting creative!
Secret...
Underground...
Pirate...
level of Pony Joe's?
This is made of Win and Donught.
Seriously, a great twist. Keep them coming.