- Member Since 10th Aug, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 15th, 2019
Sacrific3
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.
Sacrific3
Joined 10th Aug, 2015 ·
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I dislike giving downvotes without providing constructive criticism, therefore, I shall attempt to briefly outline the many problems with this fic and advise you on where to go from here. If you elect to heed this advice is, of course, up to you.
We'll begin with grammar. This isn't that bad, with the exception of capitalization. Let's consider your title:
This should be:
The Night of Tears
Other such errors occur throughout. I recommend reading though everything at least two or three times before posting. Ideally, get someone else to read it for you. These sort of things are highly off putting, and errors in the title or description can kill a fic dead before anyone even reads it.
Your sentence structure is very choppy. While it is always wise to avoid run on sentences, more sophisticated prose is still needed to hold the interest of the reader. Prose of the form "He did this. Then he did that. Then he did the over." recalls young children's reading books and is breathtakingly dull and tiring to an adult audience. Again, read your own work, out loud if needs be. See how it sounds, how well it flows, and correct as needed.
For the contents, it's trying way to hard to be edgy. The (nameless as yet) killer colt, the drunk sucky parents. At least he isn't, for all I know, an unironic red and black alicorn, but that's about the best of it. Tone it down. As it is, people simply won't take it, or you, seriously.
I would love to discuss your characterisation and dialogue, but frankly, there isn't any. At all. We don't even have a name or description for the main character! This is not acceptable writing. You absolutely need these things, without them you have no story, and no hope of holding a readers interest. The closest things to characters we have are the parents and they are so flat as to be only an angstrom thick. A unit of measurement normally reserved for measuring bond lengths in molecules. Only a complete rewrite can address this.
The combination of no dialogue, no characterisation and the simplistic prose leads to serious pacing issues. It's way, way to fast. Slow down, introduce your character, paint him as vividly as possible without resorting to purple prose. Let us get to know and care for him before putting him in a dangerous situation. Without an emotional connection, the danger is meaningless; the audience simply will not care what happens to him (this is summed up in the eight deadly words: "I don't care what happens to these people.")
All the above leads to the final big problem: this is all tell and no show. We are told his life sucks, we are told his parents are drunks, we are told they are in debt. Show these things. Show him interacting with his drunk parents, show his life being hard. It's infinitely more interesting that way.
In its current state, this fic reads like the homework of a ten year old boy attempting to impress his teacher with how edgy his writing is. I know that sounds harsh, and I understand you are likely very young and inexperienced, but that's the truth of it.
Please understand I'm not trying to be nasty, or insult you. I recommend you hold back on writing for now and do a lot of reading. Start with the on site writers guide, it's got a lot of good advice. Then go to the top all time list and read your way through. Take note of how they are written, the prose, the dialogue, everything like that. See what works. Do that, and you'll be able to return to your work a much better writer.