‘Huh… Wow,’ I think.
Admittedly not the most eloquent thought I’ve ever had while looking in a mirror, but at this point my mind is slightly numb.
I felt… shiny. My outfit is pristine, all the flaws that I hadn’t even noticed were gone. I can’t remember what I made the outfit out of originally, but it sure wasn’t this… if I didn’t recognise the stitching as my own I would have thought Celestia had swapped my outfit for another very similar outfit. My skin is clear and unblemished, it practically glowed in the pale moonlight from the window.
And then there is my hair, it almost defies explanation. It was silky and smooth, without a single tangle or imperfection, (Celestia had not let me leave the bathroom until she had finished brushing, it took 20 minutes), and the way it interacts with starlight is surreal, shifting colours as it moves, becoming a pale purple as it goes past my shoulders, and ending in cerulean as it passed the small of my back. I shake my head and watch as the the hair slowly floats back down, the colours rippling.
I look up at Celestia, who is looking rather proud of her handywork. “Just what kind of conditioner was that?”
Celestia laughs. “I assure you this has nothing to do with the conditioner, Believe it or not, you arrived with hair like that. I’ve been looking for an excuse to get you to take a bath for the past few centuries.”
I can only mumble to that.
Celestia suppresses a yawn and looks to the position of the moon. “Anyway I seem to have spent a good while too long on this, I feel I must retire for the night. Goodnight Mare, Cherry.”
“Goodnight your Highness,” says Cherry, as she polishes my scythe. It still looks rather grubby compared to my new clean attire so she decided to give it a once over as well.
“Night,” I mumble as Celestia leaves.
We sit in silence, Cherry idly polishing while I stare at my reflection, as if expecting something. I guess it feels nice to be this clean, but something feels wrong about it, something important.
I give a twirl, watching my hair and skirt billow out, before facing the mirror…
Pink eyes, Ghostly white skin.
I recoil in shock, my scythe in my hands, but only golden eyes and my shocked expression met me.
Cherry’s surprised squawking registers in my hearing. “Wha-? How? It was right-! But now its-!! Ehhh!?”
I try to relax, and lower the scythe away from the harmless mirror, and make an effort to slow my breathing.
Cherry comes up beside me. “Why did you do that… for that matter how did you do that!?”
“... My scythe is always close to hand, it's there whenever I need it,” I say, still looking my refection dead in the eye.
Cherry seems to have calmed down somewhat, maybe she notices how tense I am, because she asks me, “Why did you need it?”
I regard my reflection for a few moments longer before my own baleful expression becomes too much for me. “No reason,” I say, turning away.
“Where are you going?” Cherry asks as I make a beeline for the door.
“Out,” I say simply, walking outside.
Cherry stands dumbfounded for a moment before racing after me.
At some point my unofficial tour of the castle started again. I really wasn't in the mood but I could only endure so much of Cherry’s quiet desperation before taking pity. As much as I want to dislike her, the only thing about her that annoys me is how utterly inoffensive she is. If Celestia’s goal was to find someone I would have difficulty saying no to, then she succeeded. But admitting that even to myself just annoys me more.
“...and this is the hall of portraits, where various heroes and notable figures of Equestria have their portraits hung.”
“Neat,” I say dryly, looking at the pictures as we walk down the hall, various mustachioed stallions and mares look down on me from what I ascertain as the prime minister section.
I stop at a section of wall, where there seems to be a gap in the portraits, quite a sizable one, right in the heroes section. I bend down to read the plaques underneath. The first one read Twilight Sparkle.
“I guess they haven’t got around to getting her portrait yet,” says Cherry beside me.
“Guess not,” I say.
We keep walking down the hall, pointing out various portraits that catch our eye. I admit it is cathartic, having a chuckle of all these bizarre ponies with their strange stories, serious expressions, and odd attire. I could feel my spirits lifting ever so slightly.
But in a pause in the conversation, I start noticing something unsettling. The life of the castle seems to have gone, that feeling of being lived in seems to have faded as we were walking, all that is left is a surprisingly eerie silence.
And unlike before, when we would often pass some staff or guard going in the opposite direction, there didn’t seem to be a soul in sight.
“Cherry,” I say.
Cherry jumps. “Errm, yes?”
This reaction didn’t exactly fill me with confidence. “Do you feel anything… off, right now?”
Cherrys expression is worrying. “You mean it's not just me?”
That was the absolute last thing I wanted to hear. “No, I’m afraid not.”
Suddenly what was once welcoming and friendly is now threatening and alien. It is almost as if the shadows deepen before our eyes.
“Maybe we should go back to the tower,” Cherry suggests, moving slightly closer to me. I nod mutely in response.
We start to backtrack, the paintings leering down at us in the hallway that suddenly seemed too large, and us far too small. I huddle next to Cherry and tightly grip my scythe for the small amount of comfort it brings.
As we reach the end of the corridor, we feel slightly relieved when a bored looking maid wanders around the corner with a duster held in her telekinetic grip.
But as she looks at us... or rather past us, she dropped the duster. She backpedals away, all the while trying to say something but no sound comes out. Eventually a strangled “behind you!” escapes her lips before she bolts back around the corner.
At that moment, I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, and I’m overcome with the feeling of having my own grave trodden on.
I share a glance with Cherry, I can see it in her eyes that she felt it too. We know something is behind us, neither of us want to look, but know we have to. We slowly turn around .
What confronts us is darkness, just a writhing sea of blackness slowly advancing down the corridor, tendrils protruding across the walls and floor, moving ahead like feelers. It seems to stop, as if it notices it has been spotted. Then it starts going faster.
“We have to go!” says Cherry urgently. Her words barely register in my head, fear rooting me to the spot.
“MARE!” Cherry shouts into my ear, while tugging on my arm, breaking me out of my trance.
I turn and sprint as fast as I can down the corridor, Cherry easily keeping pace with me.
Looking over my shoulder I see the black mass surge forward along the walls and floor like a flood.
“What is that thing?!” cries Cherry.
“I don’t know!” I reply, while trying to keep my breathing steady. “I don’t want to find out.”
We hare around a corner, meanwhile the black mass crashes like a wave as it hits the bend, turning and pursuing once more.
A unicorn night guard notices our approach, and more importantly, what is chasing us. He steps out into the middle of the hallway, and just as we sprint past, he conjures a wall of magic to halt its progress. It seems to work, as the blackness hits the wall and comes to a halt, mounting up against the barrier.
Cherry and I stop to catch our breath and the guard gives us a concerned glance. “Are you two alright?”
“We are *pant* fine sir,” says Cherry, “Thank you, for… LOOK OUT!”
The guard turns around just in time to get smacked by a tendril that had snaked its way under the barrier, he hits the wall and the spell flickers and dies. We had already started running as the darkness hits the floor in pursuit.
I can see the corridor ending up ahead as it intersects another one, I choose the left route, taking a sharp turn, skidding as my boots struggle to gain purchase on the polished surface. I can feel it behind me and I try desperately not to panic.
That is not made easy when I notice that I can’t hear Cherry’s hoofbeats beside me.
Cherry slowly came to a stop when she realised the prickly feeling at the back of her neck was gone, she barely stopped herself from collapsing. She gasped for air in the middle of the corridor, trying to get a grip on herself.
“Are you alright, Miss?” came a masculine voice.
Cherry looked up into the concerned face of a guard.
“Sir, *Wheeze* please help, it was- There was…” Cherry tried.
The guard got closer. “Hey, hey easy now, just breathe for a bit.”
Cherry took a moment to regulate her breathing.
“Alright, now tell me what's wrong,” the guard said.
“Mare.. and I were walking down the hall of portraits… *Huff* but then we started getting chased, by… by something, I don’t know but it was big and dark, and… and oh Celestia it was horrifying.”
“Don’t worry, you’re safe, it ain’t here, just keep it together,” said the guard, “Now, you mentioned somepony called Mare, where is she?”
A chill went right down Cherry’s spine. She whipped her head around, Mare wasn’t in sight. She pivoted on the spot, she wasn’t down the corridor either. “Mare?!”
“You mean you don’t know?” said the guard.
“She was right beside me… Oh Celestia, she must have went left when I went right!”
“Where are you going?” the guard shouted after her as Cherry ran down the corridor.
“Please go find the princess! Any princess!” Cherry shouts back, all fatigue forgotten in the panic and adrenaline. “I have to go find Mare!”
‘Just keep running, just keep running, just keep running, just keep running, can’t stop running, can’t stop running…’
I tear down corridors, the darkness in pursuit, paying no heed to those times when I pass down windowless corridors, the sudden loss of sensation giving me momentary respite from my burning lungs.
I turn another corner, hoping that the darkness’s loss of momentum will give me enough time to elude it. But while it does slow it down, it builds up speed too fast, and it is already gaining by the time I hit the next corner.
I notice I’m coming up on a dead end. In desperation, I pivot on my heels and vanish through a window. I teeter on the edge, before running along the ledge in a hopes that this loses it.
My hopes are dashed as the window bursts open and the black mass pours out.
The ledge seems to give it pause, however, as it seems to back up slightly as some of it starts drooping over the side. Instead of surging after me like it has done up to this point, it instead sends a long thick tendril along the edge after me.
I know this ledge isn't going to last forever. I drop my scythe, jump for some artfully placed creeper vines on the wall, and climb up as fast as I can. I quickly reach the ledge above and scramble up. I run further along, and when I’m sure that I can’t see it behind me, I vanish and dive through a closed window.
I flatten myself against the wall and try not to make a noise, save for my laboured breath. I don’t hear a noise for a full minute, then two. While trying to be as small as possible, I peer out the window. Sure enough, I couldn’t see it anywhere on the ledge. I slowly slide down the wall and land in a little Mare shaped heap.
I steady my breathing and struggle to my feet. I feel sick, my legs are weak, and my lungs are on fire, I’m lost, but most of all I feel very very alone. I want to find someone, anyone, and just curl up and cry.
Looking around, I see I’m in some sort of billiard room, why the castle had one is beyond me, but I guess when you build a castle as big as this one you need to find some way of using the space. I also spot the door, so I gently stagger forward...
And trip as something snags me around the ankle. I hit the floor face first and feel a jolt of pain as my head bounces on the stone floor. The world is muted for a minute and my vision blurs.
I can’t remember the last time I had felt pain.
I struggle to regain my senses as my vision returns and I regain some semblance of motor control. I feel myself being dragged across the floor, so I awkwardly roll over, and to my horror, I find a black tendril slowly dragging me toward the window. I roll onto my stomach and try to get some purchase on the floor, to no avail. My scythe is in my hands, Rolling onto my back again, I swing it down on the tendil.
The tendril dissolves from where I struck it freeing me from its grip, I scramble away until I am out of its reach. I grip the side of the pool table and try to hoist myself up. The world spins for a moment, but I manage to get back on my feet.
I look to the window, and see a growing puddle of darkness under the window, as it pulls itself up into the room. I lurch for the door, clutching my head. It feels wet, although right now I can’t tell if its blood from my forehead or tears.
I stagger out into a new corridor and will myself into the closet thing to a run I can manage.
‘Not fast enough,’ I think. ‘It's going to get me!’
“Mare!” I turn my head to see Cherry coming up a flight of steps. I don’t know how she found me, but I do know that I have never been happier to see anyone in my life.
My happiness is short lived however as the darkness bursts out of the door behind me.
I try to run to Cherry but I end up turning my head too fast and lose my balance, landing on my side this time.
A tendril shoots out, wrapping around my legs, and starts dragging me in again. My hands reach out, begging for a handhold in the unyielding marble. I see Cherry’s hooves run over, and she puts them under my arms and starts pulling.
“Oh no you don’t!” she says through gritted teeth as she leans back, putting her weight into pulling me away.
The tendil seems to stop pulling for a moment, before yanking hard, causing Cherry to pitch forward and lose her grip.
As I get closer, I feel the tendrils slowly creep up my body, binding my legs together. The mass slowly moves forward to envelop me.
I feel Cherry’s hooves around my wrist as she tries once again to pull me away.
The tendrils wrap around my shoulders and pin my other arm to my side, before creeping up my neck. As they reach my face all I can do is scream.
“Somebody, please help m-” before my world became black.
Then I ceased to exist.
There was a moment of white.
Then the curtains opened.
My senses returned, there was no blackness, I lay quivering on the smooth marble floor, it was silent, not the eerie silence of the darkness, but the gentle peaceful silence of the castle.
I hear hoofsteps gently approaching me, and a blue hoof comes into sight, I let myself be picked up, hanging limply in the light blue magic.
“Mare, please... look at me.”
I look up into the face of Princess Luna. “It's alright, it's gone.”
It is all just too much for me.
Raising my trembling arms, I reach out for Luna, who brings me in closer. Wrapping them around her neck, I bury my head into her fur and just let it all out.
I can feel her bring a hoof up to support me, and another to gently stroke my back as I sob into her neck.
I am vaguely aware of her saying something to someone, and someone speaking back, probably Cherry, and the sound of retreating hoofsteps.
The hoof stroking my back ceases and I feel Luna shift, a gentle movement suggesting she is walking, but I can’t bring myself to care.
Some things happened, at some point we get back to my tower. But it doesn’t change much. The tears kept flowing, and I didn't let go of Luna until the sunlight stripped all sensation away.
hmmmm, we are intrigued.
Crossovers just inspire bad story writing. You are taking characters from one world and placing them in a place that wasn't really meant for them. It's like putting a random animal in random location. Depending on the animal and the location it might work out. It just depends on how well situated it is. Which is the exact same for crossovers. Most of the time you're just mashing together two things that don't really work out and it becomes a cluttered mess. Other times it works out well and they both get enhanced by each other to make a great story.
I definitely agree with you on the idea that crossovers in the Displaced genre are generally handled very poorly. In fact it was one of the main points of a forum post I made a little while back detailing some of the qualms I have noticed about them. I know I often say that I find the idea of a crossover to be one riddled with peril for all involved, but I think I often forget to say that I am not opposed to a crossover, so long as it benefits both stories in way that is pleasing not only for readers but also for the authors.
One thing that I believe the vast majority of Displaced authors forget to do is to stop and ask themselves a very simple pair of questions: "Do I need to?" and "Do I want to?"
By that I of course mean is a crossover really necessary to the plot of a Displaced story? Do I or anybody else have to feel obligated as a Displaced writer to crossover? The answer to that, I have concluded since my debut into the Displaced genre some two years ago with Hollow Shades, is no. No, they are not, unless the author deems it necessary. Now, I do of course realize that the official group rules state that crossovers are required to be considered Displaced, but in the end all that has really done is hurt more stories than it has helped, at least in my opinion.
So in the end, the only answer I have to give you is that if you believe that a crossover would be beneficial to your story, then by all means, proceed as you will. I just think it would benefit you to ask yourself first if that is indeed what you really want. Is there something going on with Mare (besides the obvious of course) that really requires the assistance of a stranger from another dimension, when she already has Celestia, Luna, Cherry and however many other individuals that are already ready and willing to help her?
Because as much fun as Astrid might be in terms of having her around, I doubt that she is really in any position or mindset to offer sound advice to Mare.
Crossovers slow both stories down considerably, as the authors have to collaborate.
Crossovers also more often than not introduce things that people just aren't interested in, or outright hate. People read a story for that story alone, introducing another ruins it.
Sometimes the crossover just doesn't work. One thing doesn't fit into the world of another, either being too powerful, too weak, or influencing the characters too much.
In my opinion, crossovers are a risk. Nine times out of ten they just don't work.
Have you ever read The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments. This is more or less a colab crossover with other storys that expanded there universe or built more of the story. I see most of the displaced stories try to make Mary/Garry stue character exercise to figure out fight scenes or drama expository. If i cross over with a displaced i would use the above story as a reference (or use a Steven King book)
8174680 Thank you, this actually answers a lot of my questions, and has given me a good deal of insight into the subject.
Yeah, I understand about Astrid, the only reason I think it would be a good idea, is how uncannily similar She and Mare are, the main difference being that Mare has been were Astrid is now, and cracked under the strain. Thought they might be able to bound over mutual misery, and give insights that only another child could give to each others situation. But like I said, I'm not going to ask, I respect your boundaries as an author. Its just that she managed to immediately tick the boxes I was looking for in potential crossovers, in being a child, and not being uber powerful.
8174734 As an Australian, I'm curious about the koalas.
It's been pretty well covered but something that was overlooked by prior commenters is how they don't really work unless all the readers are already reading both stories. Usually they are only a chapter or two long and the crossover character gets no development so if you haven't read their character development in their own story they stay two dimensional cut-outs. Just look at how all the crossovers fracked up the Chess Game of the Gods stories.
Some of them were quite good, and others were shit... then they crossed over and left metaphorical shit stains on the good ones. Particularly Griffin the Griffon, MadMax was rather bad about honoring the crossover characters and respecting their creators' poor characterization at the expense of his own story.
Frankly those of us who aren't ape-shit over all Displaced just because, "ERMAHGERD! ERTS DERSPLERCERD! I WERN TER BER DERSPLERCERD!!" and can actually judge them as individual stories to call a stinker a stinker... Well, let's just say having to worry about whether this story we're reading and enjoying will have a cringe inducing crossover with one of those stinkers we happily flushed can be rather off putting.
Or in non Displaced terms; you're 90k words into that sweet MegaManXMLP:FiM crossover Wily's Wittle Wub and suddenly you get hit by five chapters of crossover with [insert fandom you really hate] that doesn't really fit the mood and throws off the balance established between the first two source fandoms. And yes I went and picked a story from your Favorites for this example.
I made a long blog post a while ago about common mistakes with "Displaced" stories.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/530330/displaced-common-problems
So far you haven't committed any mistakes on the list.
As for additional crossovers... DON'T. Don't do tokens. Just don't. They're literally a Deus ex Machina. Please don't use that bad writing trope. The "tokens" were one of the major reasons "Displaced" stories are generally avoided like the plague (The other being godlike Mary Sue characters).
You have done a wonderful job so far... I would hate to see it go downhill.
8174803
Ah I forgot about the fact crossover between stories doesn't work unless your readers have read both stories.
Which 90+% of the probably haven't.
There is also the problem that X% will hate the crossover character and Y% won't care about the character and Z% will wish you get back to telling the story about the characters they actually care about. Yours. Not some random characters from some one elses story.
I understand that feel about crossovers. I've seen some pretty bad ones in the Displaced group. It seems sometimes that they use them for dick-measuring contests concerning who's character is the most powerful, the most angsty, has suffered more, etc, etc. It's pretty bad sometimes.
However, exceptions do exist. Gilgamesh from The Mighty Warrior of Epicness is pretty good example of someone that makes crossovers work.
Tis a shame that the writer hasn't updated recently due to life problems, I just know that that lovable goof, Gilgamesh, would work wonders for Mare.
I think the issue with crossovers is that nearly all of them are just throw away chapters that mean bugger all. You have the right idea about them, using them to influence the story and characters in a way only possible by bringing in an outside force. I'm currently planning my own displaced fic and only plan on having a crossover in it if it affects the plot, not distracts from it. It may be best to leave out a crossover until the plot picks up a little and then do one that develops either the characters or story. If it doesn't, people wont read it and just get annoyed at the distraction.
Random crossovers work in fics that aren't too plot heavy, but otherwise just feel out of place.
8174915
8174889
Hmm, different opinions, refreshing, nice to see the other side of this debate.
I agree Gilgamesh is crossovers done right. That said, I don't think the big guy fits in Mares little world.
[< Previous]-[Chapters ∨]-[Nothing] "Noooooooo!"
OK, Like I said earlier, I really like this story,
Yes, Its coming........
HOWEVER.....
This chapter (7) doesn't seem to fit the character as portrayed so far. A calm and collected reaper who took on Nightmare Moon just a few chapters ago running like a sissy while carrying a massive scythe from a dark cloud/shadow. You clearly show that she has the ability to faze out of existence by simply stepping backwards, as well as the ability to reap both memories, nightmares and evil entities. Im sorry, it seems out of character and just doesn't seem to fit.
ponilauta.fi/int/src/13378057983113.png/Discord%20is%20not%20amused.png
The Monk
8175129 The main difference is that Nightmare moon was just a pony, she could understand it and anticipate it, to Mare, she is not scary. This is something huge and unknown, and frightening, and whats more, it was chasing her, and only her, which doesn't do well for her judgement, the fact that it could keep chasing her, even when she wasn't in starlight, only added to that fear.
The other two reasons is something spoiler related, but lets just say that Mare is subject to something that a lot of children around her age are.
Plus, she reaps the nightmares of people, that thing was not a person by any stretch of the word, Mares powers are confusing and very hard to explain, but I've really got to make an effort on an upcoming chapter.
P.s thank you for being the only one discussing the chapter, although I suppose it was my fault for inviting it.
8175129
A few nights ago her main reason to exist was to reap Nightmare Moon, for all we know her promises have a meaningful influence over her psyche. I'm not saying you're wrong, but your issues could be explained in any number of ways the author just hasn't explained within the story yet.
8175144
It was hernightmare, wasn't it? The previous chapter seems pretty clear on the foreshadowing.
8175129 Keep in mind that, she is a youth still, and there is a significant difference a being you can make out and understand, and a mass of black darkness tentacle monster(s). It is like the H.P. Lovecraft form of horror in a nutshell, "How can you not fear something you do not, cannot, and will never know." I use this as a point of reference not so much what the Author may or may not be going for in the story/plot. Additionally, Mare seems to me a child trying to act tougher than she is, and is more or less vulnerable in her attempt. You can see the inner child of her burst out plenty, THAT is what you should look for, when she is truly herself and not her 'ideal image of what I should be' see the face, not the mask.
Besides you see a giant wall of dark writhing tentacles of darkness, you're not going to stick around powerful or not; it just isn't in ANYONE's nature to just stand there when a giant wall of anything comes falling on you.
8174740 This story is progressing well, you did a good amount of character flushing before you put in a trial, (or abuse... I should hate you for abusing a child... but am far too intrigued now to stop the experiments!) and it is by far the best in a way, that while it starts with the standard convention. (which honestly is a shitty complaint about a story COME ON!) She is obviously not stupid, she isn't all-powerful, nor is she emotionless or too pathetic you hit the stone just right, so far. As far as the silly convention trope... it is honestly just a logical way to start this.
Now for crossovers, this is a tricky subject, two authors get together to try and make both characters have the right amount of tension, growth, and conflict, to work it is painful and hard to accomplish that leaves both parties satisfied. Some simply make mentor characters, which work but often leaves a taste in my mouth, feeling you just got given an answer you'd best been looking for on your own, so it can work better for others than it might for another. I think to form what I got thus far; you will do better as you are for now, at the very least. You just gotta pick and choose your battles as it were.
I hope I'm not coming off a bit strong, but if I do, just means like your story enough to put my two cents in!
Gentle breeze guide your path, a warm smile welcome you home.
I only have one request. Do not add some kind of crossover or character from another universe. I can not stand. This story should be what it really is. That is, what I'm reading now.
My two cents on crossovers is less is more especially if the crossover isn't even in universe because in my opinion it just becomes a slippery slope to a huge convoluted mess; in other cases I've seen the author states crossover chapters wont affect the story and therefor (to me at least) become meaningless. Now as for the whole con start it's just really overused at this point so its become a cliché and a lot of people just really hate clichés not to mention how half-ass some of them are to the point of "o i am at con and look one thing i need o nooooo now i in pony land". All that aside as with all things if the quality is there then its fine for you to structure your story however you want but most important of all is that you write a story you like because hey you're the one building it.
So, is this black stuff one of Luna' s creations?
Also, I know you already have a lot of opinions on crossovers, but quality is better than quantity, and I have an opinion on the fact that you asked. If you want to do a crossover, read up on the practice. Don't listen to a bunch of people who don't have any qualifications.
i find that crossovers are fine as long as they are done right
otherwise the're a slog of bad plots poorly mixed characters and general messiness
8183094
... btw its write not wright...
8194906
Me thinks black stuff is remnants of Nightmare Moon...
8731173
more like darkness is whats left after nightmare was purged.