The changeling hive, known for being enemies of ponykind has a new addition to their hive. An earth filly who was found in the everfree forest by a changeling. with nothing else to do with it, she is brought back to the hive and presented to the ruthless queen, Chrysalis.
(Featured on the first day posted. O_O)
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I rather like this story! I especially smiled when Chrysalis was interacting with baby Adiyas. You captured Chrysalis well at those points. I look forward to the rest.
10981102
Thank you
10981174
No problem. I look forward to the rest.
feels a bit disorganized, things seem to run and blend together. Not in terms of sentence structure, but rather Paragraph structure. The concept of time seems to blur, in the sense that things just happen one right after the other.
Its a good fic, please continue!
seems like it could be an interesting read, but Crowborn's comment has made me wary, i will be marking as read later and may come back once there are more chapters available.
10982619
The writing could use work, but I, personally, don’t feel like it was happening like one thing after another. But I guess it’s mostly up for you to debate
And interesting story so far! I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes from here...
Question though; did you by chance mean a 4-month-old pony during Adiyis's introduction? Because a 4-year-old would be walking and talking in incomplete sentences at least, if matching human development. That said, looking up development milestones actually suggests she'd be more in the 9-month to 1-year range.
10983690
Shoot, I didn't think that through. I wanted her to be young but not too young and old but not too old at the same time and thought four years would be a perfect age.
Hmm, not bad, feels a bit rushed at points, but a pretty good read.
Conflicted Chryssie was conflicted, but she got over it pretty fast.
Poor Demyx, thought.
This can only end well.
I think you're doing a great job! The pacing is a bit fast in places but otherwise it's really good! I can't wait to see what happens!
How is the guard that Vask stabbed with the spear? Did he survive?
10998172
Probably should’ve clarified this in the story. No
10998179
Eep! Did Adiyas see that? That’s going to cause problems.
10998184
Not the first, won’t be the last.
Chapter not crazy. Not inconsistent but let's say that I had to strongly question the intelligence and abilities of changelings in general. Downward. Strongly.
Fun lil chapter! I'd encourage reading your chapters again before you publish them, you missed a few uncapitalized letters at the beginning of certain sentences.
well, no, it's not little, it's 7k words long. Noice.
I would suggest for you either get an editor or learn to structure your story a bit better.
There are typos, missing commas, bad sentence and paragraph structure and overall it's a bit confusing to follow it thoroughly.
However, this story IS interesting and I quite like it. I encourage you to improve in your writing!
10998212
Sorry to hear that. Have a nice day though
10998271
I’ll go back and check
10998367
I don’t have any money for an editor so I am trying to get better at writing.
Aww, she's pretty brave
10998566
You don't need money, you need to advertise for an editor. Nobody in this fandom edits for money. Reach out to other authors to see if they know anybody free or find the editors group here on fimfiction and post there.
If you don't get any luck there, message me and I'll do it. So many stories go to die because of either bad or lack of editing that it pisses me off.
Grammar, sentence structure, clarity, flow, plot consistency, diction, and (if what I'm reading from the comments is correct) sequencing. All of it matters. You can get away with a couple of these elements being bad or missing, but anymore than that and you're pushing it.
11009981
All this time I thought you had to pay someone to edit a story for you. It’s the only reason why I haven’t asked for one, that and I believed my writing would eventually get better.
And for the record, I’m not planning on letting this story die anytime soon. Especially not to some lame excuse like lack of editing. This story is going all the way until it’s finished
11010030
You're not wrong. On projects where you have completely original(copyright) material and intend to make money, paying for an editor is a wise business choice.
And the term editor is very loosely referred to in this case, equivalent to a friend or colleague simply looking over it and catching the most salient instances of writing elements gone wrong.
I wont say that there are absolutely no editors in the fandom that charge money for their services. Its just that it's a recognized fact that in the end, this is fanfiction writing. Fanfiction by definition has very few ways to make money compared to mainstream writing. The ways you do have to make money are legal grey areas or loopholes, such as in cases of donations or patreon/subscribestar/etc.
Why even make her a soldier if she's so worried about her getting hurt?
I do find myself looking forward to each new update of this. Another quite neat chapter.
Aw dis nice.
11041846
Motherly instincts. Sometimes parents can be overprotective to their kids and can create some anger in them. I mean did your parents ever become overprotective and try to control your life?
11041902
Overprotective? I'm pretty sure. Controlling? No, never. That wasn't the point I was making, though.
11041846
Chrysalis is developing a better personality than Canon while yes she did want her to be a soldier she's worried as a parent she will never see her daughter again hence the softer training
Good Chrysalis, you're learning.
11041846
As a queen, she wants Adiyis to be a soldier
As a mother, she needs her daughter to be safe
This is a good start to a story, but like some others have already said, it's a bit rushed at points, time is flowing oddly and her age when found is questionable. But there are also a shit ton of grammatical errors in this chapter alone that could easily be fixed if you had a proofreader helping you out before publishing each chapter. I would suggest posting in the Looking for Editors group and finding someone who can help fix up your story. I would offer to help, but I would only be able to assist with grammar & spelling. But I assure you, someone in that group can help fix the rushed plot and any other problems should they arise.
As The Correspondent said, I will be marking this story and will come back to it when there is more to read. Good luck writing!
More?
11148840
Here's more :)
Can't say the reasoning there is very sound. Downright disappointing, even. To be honest, it feels like you're trying too hard to make Thorax out to be a liability. Not every drone has to be able to fight to be of use in a battle, or even participate in the defense of the hive if that's not their strength. If anything, all of that bullying is worsening Thorax's ability to be of help because the psychological damage is going to exaggerate them being a 'liability'. Thorax ability to show compassion at all times is something they (especially Adiyis) should know would make him an excellent medic. Her taking Chrysalis' words to heart that fast is just way too rushed. Not to mention, it feels kind of out of character for her since she seems to value their friendship so much.
Sorry, but... I think I'm going to drop this story here.
11150452
That’s a shame. I hope you have a good day though.
11150662
I really am sorry. Here's to you learning to overcome these small flaws, though. I guess things just snowballed out of control for me to properly enjoy the story. I do love the setting and I wish you well in the rest of that journey. Never give up on it.
Thorax is definitely a liability here. Chrysalis is actually correct. He failed utterly. Maybe he can be of some use somehow but… it’s not up to the hive to find the optimal use of a Substandard drone. He’s not cutting it, and they’re short on resources.
11152532
Let's see how well you would do if your whole life you've been told your shit and are useless. Fucking dumbass reasoning there, seriously.
11152677
Hey now, let’s not go insulting each other. We’re all friends here. Whether you agree you disagree, please be respectful.
11153270
Sorry. Bullying is kinda a sore spot for me.
11153317
I understand. Don’t worry, you won’t have to worry about it for the rest of the story.
Aw, no! Aidyis, Thorax is your friendddd!
looked like prologue of a hentai virtual novel.
and what kind of incel named their kid 'incely'
11150452
what do you expect? this changling hive is a warmongering barbaric tribe. their educations are focused primary on hunting&gathering or infiltration&combat.
they have no culture. they have no arts. no knowledge and science beyond practical uses.
diplomacy material like thorax has no place in their society.
oh no, a cliffhanger! just as adiyis is given more responsibility, she's practically forced to keep the mantle on for the forseeable future...
Uh-oh... The ponies will suffer the attack of an angry daughter to save her mother.