From Peasant to Princess

by SunnyDaze121

Chapter 3

I woke up really early the next morning. I didn't want to miss my train to Canterlot. I grabbed my saddle bag and flew as fast as I could to the train station. Everpony was already there. Well, almost everypony. Pinkie Pie was nowhere in sight. "Where's Pinkie?" I said to myself. I looked over and saw her munching on an apple fritter at a table. I heard a loud whistle as the train came. A croud of people hurried off the train. It was so crouded I could hardly keep up with the rest of the girls. "Wait for me! Wait for me!" cried Pinkie Pie.

On the train, we chatted to pass the time. "I can't wait to get to the palace! I've been to a sleepover, but not one with a princess!" said Rarity. "Yeah! This is going to be great!" said Pinkie. I didn't talk much. I had so many questions going through my mind. Why did Princess Celestia start crying when she found out we had similar cutie marks? Why do we have similar cutie marks? What does it mean? I snapped myself back to reality as the train halted to a stop. I put all of my questions aside. We were in Canterlot! This is going to be awesome!

"Why don't we explore before we go to the palace?" asked Twilight. "Great idea!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie, heading toward the candy shop. I instantly headed toward the library. I needed some to myself to think. Twilight eventually caught up with me. "Hey Sunny! Are you going to the library too? We could quiz each other on algebraic expressions!" said Twilight excitedly. "Not anymore." I thought. I looked around for an excuse.I spotted a cafe across the street. " No, I was just going to get a bite to eat at the cafe over." I said, trying to sound innocent. "Okay. I'll catch up with you later." Twilight said as she went inside. After she was gone, I dashed into the cafe and took a seat at a table in the corner.

We all met at the palace about half an hour later. The princess greeted us in the throne room. "I'm glad you all could make it." said Princess Celestia with a warm smile. " We wouldn't miss it for the world." I said shyly. I was still a little star-struck after meeting her for the first time. She showed us to our rooms. My room had a huge canopy bed with pink and gold bedding. "I love it!" I said as I set my bags on the bed. "I'll give you some time to get settled in. Come down to dinner when you feel ready." Princess Celestia said as she left the room. I waited until she was gone, then I flopped down on the bed. " Black and bays, dapples, grays. All the pretty little ponies." I sang to to myself. I can't remember when or where I heard that song. Soon enough, I was fast alsleep.

Comments

[Celestias Paladin]

Alright Sunny I've read this and I can see that there is potential here, but as it stands that all it has. There are issues with this fic:
1) OC Alicorn: I don't have a problem with them but some get a mite twitchy when they pop up since they are seen as Mary Sues, add in the fact that your OC shares the same name as you then we get really paranoid.
2) Apparent Self-Insert: This tends to bug people more than the OC-Alicorn since it opens the story wide for Sues.
3)Formatting: I've notice that you aren't starting new paragraphs up when a new character speaks, you will want to change that. It makes it easier to read and easier to follow.
4) Chapter Length: So far with your four chapter I can see them combined into a single chapter, which will allow this to get past the minimal posting requirements.
There are probably more issues that I can't put to words but someone else may. There is potential here, but you have to work for it.

-Celestia's Paladin

[moonblossom131]

I think this is going to be a pretty epic story! I just wish the chapters were longer.

But really, I can't wait for more!

[Squirrelloid]

2137370
1) Second the above.
2) A pony character's name should use standard spellings - Sunny Days, not 'Daze'. Pony names are made of real words describing things or concepts. (Daze is especially confusing because it is a real word, but doesn't really mean anything in combination with Sunny).
3) I notice you have this flagged as Adventure rather than Slice of Life. On the one hand, I'm confused because what I've read feels like Slice of Life (but maybe its going somewhere adventursome?). OTOH, I don't feel like you can legitimately write slice of life about an alicorn OC. Alicorn-ness is special, and Slice of Life about an OC Alicorn is fundamentally Mary Sue (there's no reason for the character to be an Alicorn except to make it extra special). Having an Alicorn OC is making a statement that the specialness is required to solve whatever the major plot point is, because otherwise its just gratuitous. This has to do with a corollary of the fundamental law of fanfiction, which goes something like 'if you make Frodo a Jedi, you have to give Sauron the Death Star'. The main character can only have special advantages insofar as the antagonist has at least as much if not more going for him.
4) You need to plan out your chapters better and what goes into them. Example, you've got maybe 1.5 chapters here. Chapter 1 should cover everything through the end of the Summer Sun Celebration. Basically, a chapter should cover in full a particular plot point (in this case, setting up the mystery of Celestia breaking down in tears when she meets Sunny Days). Try writing down all the major plot moments for your story in order. Each of those is a chapter. Get someone to help you with this if you need help.

[Celestias Paladin]

2137629
And there are the other issues.

[SunnyDaze121]

Ok guys, I understand you you are trying to help me, but it makes me really upset that you're criticizing my work, no offence. Look, I'm just a 13 year old. This isn't my best work. Plus, I already get enough criticism at school. I document my pain in the form of stories. I say that if you see yourself as a critic, I sugest that you don't continue reading this story before you say something that you will regret.

- SunnyDaze121

[SunnyDaze121]

btw, some of this stuff happened to me, and some didn't. I'm not saying which is which.

[VitalSpark]

2137629

A pony character's name should use standard spellings - Sunny Days, not 'Daze'.

There's actually a canon background pony called Sunny Daze. She ain't an alicorn though.