To Serve Bronies

by Fuzzy Necromancer

Chapter 58

Lyra rubbed her distended stomach and wiped her tears with a leaf. Binge-eating didn’t erase the horrors she’d experienced, but it helped take the edge off.

In the comfort of the food-high, she reflected that she couldn’t take this one human as a reflection of the entire species. Sure, humans were capable of great evil, but Nightmare Moon was ready to usher in an endless night that would eventually end most of the life on the planet. She just needed some perspective.

The bushes rustled.

She straightened up.

A manticore stepped out of the darkness and roared at her.

Lyra raised an eyebrow.

“Oh PLEASE. Do you think I’ve never eaten an apex predator before?” She chucked one of Max’s ribs at it in a half-hearted way.

The manticore snuffled and began gnawing it.

“Aw, poor boy. You’re just hungry, aren’t you?”

Max’s “girlfriend” sounded like…well, a nice human, from the very limited, very narrow understanding she’d gotten from the human’s twisted version of events.

There had to be good humans out there. She couldn’t give up on her childhood dream now.

Her stomach gurgled, unused to processing this much animal fat and complex protein.

She thumped her stomach and let loose a belch that scared buzzards out of the trees.

Maybe she could do something to help the good humans and save them from the bad humans.

In theory, there was nothing to stop the seeker spell from being expanded into a pony-sized portal. She’d need something bigger than a tooth, of course, but now there were plenty of human bones all around her, and she could re-use them for magic even after they’d formed the stock base for a shiveringly delicious soup.

Maybe she could find out about Max’s friends. Maybe she could check out the human information network and find out who drew “kink art” of foals.

Lyra licked her lips.

#

“This spell requires a link to my presence in your world,” Twilight Sparkle said. “There’s already been some low-level psychic bleed-through between my repressed instincts and the human ‘voice actor’ who represents me in your televisual programs.” Twilight pointed her horn to the complex diagram on the chalkboard.

“That explains those tweets,” Reiko said.

“What do birds have to do with this?” Fluttershy asked.

“It would take too long to explain,” Jamal said, putting a firm hand over Reiko’s mouth.

“The interplanar anchor will take the form of a small package wrapped in brown paper. You must deliver it before brand on your inner thigh grows cold, or half of you will get snatched back to equestrian and the other human will be distributed evenly over 20 cubic leagues in a random direction.”

The humans nodded.

“The tricky part is I need some, well, raw material for this transposition spell. Something from your home universe would be ideal, especially with complex proteins.”

“You aren’t trying to use this as a trick and get to eat us after all, are you?” Jamal said, inching closer to Applejack, who wrapped a protective leg around him.

“No. But it will be, uh, just a little bit messy,” Twilight said, trying and failing to smile reassuringly.

Jamal pressed his back against the wall.

“The one of you who makes the delivery will have the most pressure on her or him, obviously, but the one who stays behind will need to, well, donate a larger portion of the anchor.”

“Donate?” Jamal and Applejack said.

“Donate to the Get Rainbow Dash laid foundation!” Rainbow shouted, voice echoing through her protective cone. Pinkie Pie laughed at that and Rarity covered up a demure snicker.

“Since you’ve already been mutated by a Very badly cast cantrip, well, Reiko, I was thinking we could take care of that surplus scaly limb.”
Reiko raised her reptilian arm as if in a classroom.

“Actually, if I get to choose, can I keep this one and cut off one of the normal human arms?”

Everyone except Pinkie Pie stared at her.

Reiko blushed and twiddled all three of her thumbs.

“See, I’ve been researching things, and there are certain, well-off young women who think they are straight but would pay a huge amount of trust fund money to get finger-banged by somebody with scales.” She coughed. “Maybe enough to flee to Canada or something.”

Pinkie Pie stood on her hind legs and brushed back her hair flat, pulling a luggage cart out of nowhere. “Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.”

“Yes, we don’t”, Twilight said, “because I need to start drawing a triscadecagon with Jamal’s blood and the bone marrow and sinews need to be distilled in rose water and alicorn tears very, very carefully.”

Pinkie Pie deflated. “Aw, you guys. This is sad! I’m only going to see you two once a week for short stretches after this, and there’ll be long, quiet hiatuses in between each season of our lives.”

Reiko patted her on the back. “Hey, there’s always fanfiction, right?”

“It’s not the same,” Pinkie Pie muttered. The other ponies stared at her, shook their heads, and returned to the task at hand.

Twilight Sparkle came out with a muzzle. “Applejack, will you put this on me?”

Applejack reared up and whinnied. “Whoa their, pal, I uh, I like you a lot, just…not the way I like Rarity or, no offense-“

Twilight snorted. “It’s to keep me from biting. Remember, I’m still a unicorn? I’m going to be working directly with hot, salty, fresh-spilled human blood and I don’t completely trust myself to overpower my omnivorous instincts.

“Ah, right. Of course! Silly me,” Applejack chortled unconvincingly. “Ah mean, what else would somepony use a muzzle for? Heh!”

This time, everypony stared at her, and Reiko whipped out a journal and took some hurried notes.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” Applejack said. “Alright this aint my first rodeo.”

“Applejack, dear, would you be willing to do the, er, amputation?” Rarity pleaded. “Our friend Twilight is already putting up with a great deal of temptation, and I, well, I don’t trust myself around that much raw human flesh.” She forced a high-pitched laugh.

“Oh don’t worry guys,” Reiko said. “I checked the spell parameters, and Twilight only needs two pounds of skin, muscle, fat and bone.”

“What?” Twilight asked. “How do you know about advanced quantum genetics magical theory?”

Reiko shrugged. “Well I read up on a lot of fan forums about unicorn magic, and then I also recite alchemical texts and string theory in my head when I’m trying not to cry audibly.”

Reiko broke the awkward silence by thumping Applejack on the back. “Also, you won’t need to do any of this dirty work. Just give me a bonesaw or a cleaver and I’ll take care of it myself.”

“Darling, we still need to get a lot of complex quasi-magical painkillers into your system,” Rarity said, brushing up against her. Celestia, she smelled so good, but she couldn’t take a bite again. She’d already humiliated herself and her species in front of this lovely stranger.

“Nah nah, I don’t wanna make a fuss you guys!” Reiko said, waving all three hands in a conciliatory manner. “Seriously, I’m not all needy mcneedyface. You guys can just relax. I’ll handle this all myself.” She looked at Rarity. “And, on top of that, I’m gonna slice off some bite-sized sections for you to enjoy. Anything surplus to the spell is fair game, and I gotta lose at least one of these arms, right?”

Reiko burst into laughter. Nopony joined in. Jamal inched away from her.

“Are, uh, do most humans have this much…are most humans like this?” Fluttershy asked, trembling. She would need a lot of cuddle time with angel and her favorite python after this.

“God I hope not,” Jamal said.

“Kidding!” Reiko said, waving her arms around. “I mean I was totally just kidding! Yeah I’ll wait for the painkillers. Totally. Just um, still giving out portions of my severed flesh as party favors.” Her eyes suddenly brimmed with tears. “This is so awesome you guys. I…I’ve never had this much fun in my life.”

Silence broke out again. Pinkie Pie’s hair deflated.

“Are…uh…are you okay, man?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Nope!” Reiko said with a triple thumbs-up. “But that’s not the issue right now! Twilight Sparkle, is there any way you can like, send one of us back, and leave the other here? Asking for a friend.”

“No, human Reiko,” Twilight said. She risked putting her hooves around her and taking in a breath of her intoxicating smell. “I know you’re…very unhappy, with your lot in life, but Jamal needs to get back to his daughter.”

“What if you just like, sent half of me back? I mean who needs legs and a large intestine anyway?”

Jamal had somehow gravitated into the farthest corner of the treehouse/library and was digging his back into the wall. Applejack was staring on with fascinated horror. Rarity was scrupulously looking at the floor. Pinkie Pie was staring, hair flat as a pancake, and pulled something out of nowhere to snort. Rainbow Dash’s expression suggested that the drug-fueled haze and shock were crumbling away under a very rapid assault.

“Kidding! I mean, yes, I’m kidding! Hahahahhahha!” Reiko said.

“When you do get back to your cosmos of origin, Reiko, and if you manage to make that teratophile finger-banging money, I suggest you invest some of it in a world-class therapist,” Twilight Sparkle said, in an almost level, friendly, normal tone of voice.

“Okay, fair,” Reiko said with a little laugh.

“Alright, I’ll get the syringe and start extracting blood after Applejack muzzles me,” Twilight said. Everypony relaxed a little, and Jamal came out of his retreat corner.

Twilight Sparkle pulled out a syringe that was slightly longer and bigger around than her leg.

“Aw hell no!” Jamal squealed. “No way are you sticking me with something like that.

Reiko looked him dead in the eye, grabbed a ritual dagger, and pressed it into her armpit. “Really? You’re going to complain about That?”

“Nevermind,” Jamal said, shamefacedly.

Author's Note:

" tara strong‏Verified account @tarastrong
I'm on my way to meet some funny yummy delicious fans...that's right, I eat fans now. 900 8th Ave. b there now & get eaten. Wait outside"

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[Redlord321]

Bon bon will not be happy.