Critique Review: The First Artifical Alicorn · 7:46pm May 27th, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique. Ah, alicorns. Who doesn’t love alicorns?
They can fly, use magic, beat the shit out of Tirek, have fancy titles like Princesses even if they make no sense. What’s not to love?
EVERYTHING OF COURSE!
Which is why I’m taking a stab at The First Artificial Alicorn by Bron33guy
Now, according to Ink Rose, Twilight and Cadance are considered artificial alicorns anyway. If you believe that kind of stuff. So, naturally this raises the question, what kind of artificial alicorn are we looking at anyway?
Is this a robot alicorn? A pony who uses tricks to fly or use magic? Like a crutch? Or does this take place before the main six are even born? Unlikely since the story promises Twilight is already a princess.
Yeah, not sure where this is going, so I really have no idea what to expect from this. But we’re not going to find out by sitting here. Let’s take a look.
Thunder Strike kept at it.
It wasn’t easy, but those newspapers weren’t going to deliver themselves.
He wanted to perfect this new spell. He was sure that it could change the whole of Equestria.
This new spell will allow us to make money grow on trees, thus destroying the economy. … Actually, I would totally read that.
But perfecting this spell was testing Thunder Strike’s very touchy patience.
Thanks, but I had enough ‘touching’ last week.
Thunder Strike tests his spell that sends him soaring through the wall of his house, like Wile E. Coyote. After his failure, he decides to go to Sweet Apple Acres to get some apples. Why he would go all the way to Sweet Apple Acres is confusing, since wouldn’t it easier to get some from in town?
Also, don’t the Apple Family have a carriage that they send into town everyday to sell their products?
Anyway, he goes over to the farm, where he meets with Applejack.
He grabbed a couple bits from his pocket and trotted up to Applejack.
“Howdy there Thunder Strike!”
“Hey there Applejack”
And they have a large dialogue tree with very little spacing. And by little I mean, barely any. But I’ll say this at least, it is better than some of the stories I’ve read, where they space everypony's dialogue with a space bar rather than the ‘enter’ key.
“What can I do you for today?”
“Just a few apples thanks”
“4 bits”
Um… I wanted a ‘few’ apples. This is a small amount of apples
Well, you didn’t exactly give me a specific amount… So, how much do you want?
I told you! I want a few! Not a couple or a ton! Or even several!
Look, I know everypony makes fun of me for being bad at math, but could you speak in numbers please?!
Thunder buys his apples and I just noticed something. A lot of characters I read about tend to have very ‘lightning’ or ‘stormy’ names. Lighting Dawn, Thunder Ice, Thunder Strike… Why can’t anypony just name a pony with a standard name? Like Tin Can or Soda Pop?
Thunder sits down to enjoy his lunch to see if he can figure out how to complete his spell. He figures it out… At least, I think he does. I really have no idea. Let’s see if you guys have better luck than I did.
Chuckling, Thunder Strike finds a spot and sits down underneath a tree and starts eating his apples. Drawing in the dirt with a stick, just random drawings for most of the time, until the final bite of his apple. Suddenly, Thunder Strike understood. He knew what, and how to end the sentence. He smirked. Maybe friendship had something to do with it. He felt lucky to try teleporting. He had failed in accuracy in the past, but today, that wouldn’t stop him!
Yeah, I’m not really sure what that means. Granted, he does have a journal entry later in the chapter, but I’m not getting a sense of what the journal entry is about or what he was able to figure out, since in said journal entry it says that he figured it out.
I guess it could be about the magic of friendship, but as we see in this story, friendship has very little to do with anything. So, why the fuck would you even mention it?
As I said, he goes to his personal journal and writes about how he plans to take this spell to Twilight Sparkle for her approval. However, he has yet to test out the spell to see if there is any potential side effects or the like.
I just have a feeling he’s going to use this spell on Twilight and she’s going to turn into a murderous psychopath who kills all her friends in a really repetitive anti-climatic way.
And literally, the next scene is the spell succeeding. Yeah, it never mentions what was wrong or how he fixed it. It just explains that the spell now works and you shouldn’t question it.
Also, I’ve been quiet about this, but this story tends to switch between past tense and present tense writing. It’s very random and inconsistent which is not a good thing. Pick a tense and stick with it!
So, Thunder decides to send a letter to Twilight in the most overly complicated unicorn magic bullshit ever.
Apologies to complaints about the weird letters I am sure the guards and mail deliverers, (and many magic scanners) might have felt uneasy about, but on my word, this letter only has a memory attached to it with what I have to show you, with the entire letter scrambled in such a way that only the sender and recievee can see the true contents.
So, you can’t just send her a letter saying to meet you and tell her that it’s important? This is way more complicated than it needed to be! Was Thunder Strike so paranoid that he needed to go through this extremely convoluted plan to make sure no one knows he’s writing letters to Princess Twilight?! Or was going up to her and asking her to talk in private too difficult for you?!
He goes to deliver his letter through the post-office, which explains that it has a heavy fee to send to Princess Twilight, but it does explain most of the cost cover security purposes. Isn’t that what tax money is for?
Anyway, the Cutie Mark Crusaders decide it would be fun to trip Thunder Strike. I know that’s what I would be thinking. Or is this them before they decide to leave Diamond Tiara in the streets to starve to death?
“It’s alright you lot” I replied, chuckling “I was just like you when I was younger”
“I didn’t know we had another unicorn out here” asked the trio of fillies, (which in a brief realization, were the trio know around town as the Cutie Mark Crusaders)
So… did… the Cutie Mark Crusaders… ask that question ...at the same time?
CMC: Come play with us, Critique… Come play with us.
*Shudders* That image is going to be in my nightmares for a while…
So, Thunder Strike explains to the Creepy Mask Crusaders that he is a magical book repair stallion and that he took over Twilight’s job when she moved to Canterlot. I was going to harp on this, but looking at the date the story was published, it was before season 4 aired, so I’ll let it slide.
What I won’t let slide is the continued talking head syndrome in this story. It’s been awhile since we’ve seen this. Where dialogue isn’t broken up by either who is talking or actions the characters might be taking while talking. Movements of their bodies and such. It ultimately makes the story feel like a bunch of floating heads talking to one another, since we barely get anything about what kind of movements they are making.
When Thunder Strike gets home, he sees a letter from… Princess Twilight? Wow, the postal service must really be working Derpy overtime. It’s not like Thunder Strike has his own personal dragon slave that can belch out letters that are sent to him.
Well, up yours, you stupid dragon!
Twilight explains his findings as brilliant and asks Thunder Strike to met with her and Princess Celestia in Canterlot.
A quick magical check I performed confirmed that Twilight, the Princess, really did write this letter. I was thunderstuck, but glad I filed off that letter first.
Okay… point you, story… That was a quick chuckle.
Even more hilarious is the note he leaves on this door when he leaves for Canterlot.
Thunder Strike’s Book Repairs
Gone to Canterlot. ETA back in Ponyville not known. Leave messages on table. Don’t ask questions.
Thunder Strike.
You know, for somepony who is trying to keep a big secret that could change Equestria forever if this information was discovered, you really suck at it. Would a simple ‘closed’ sign be too suspicious?
Also, ‘leave messages on the table’? Do you not lock your door when you leave?
He goes to the train station and boards the train to meet with Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia. However, before the train leaves, the other members of the main six appear. And thank god, the story knows the single most important thing about the characters, otherwise, I might not have been able to tell who was talking during this scene…
Their chattering is largely indecipherable, but a minor hearing enhancement charm changes that.
“… wonder what Twilight's calling us to Canterlot for?”
“Who cares? As long as it’s fun there!”
“I heard that the Wonderbolts are doing something there!”
“At least Canterlot has some of the best and latest fashion ideas there on offer!”
“Are you going to be fine for this trip Angel Bunny?”
Obviously, the order the ponies speak in are, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Spike… Don’t ask me where Rainbow Dash is in all this.
Why don’t you come over here and make me?!
Thunder, trying to ignore the girls, falls asleep. But story, don’t you know? It’s only a half hour walk to Canterlot!
When suddenly he wakes up and… Pinkie Pie is… what?!
Ending the spell, I go over what I had heard. Gulp. I might be taking center stage, with all of this resting on my spell working. Eventually I fell asleep A couple hours later I heard giggling. Opening my eyes, all I saw was Pinkie’s fuzzy pink mane. A bang behind me nearly made my hooves fall off as I jumped into the air and charged up my horn with energy, making it glow a nasty darker shade of my blue coat, ready to blast away anything.
“Pinkie Pie!” called out Applejack “That wasn’t nice!”
“I know, but it was funny!” She giggles
Yeah… I’m not entirely sure what just happened. What did Pinkie Pie do? There was a bang and all he could see was Pinkie’s mane? I don’t get it…
Not to mention, it keeps Pinkie Pie from being in character! Why the fuck would she go out of her way to make somepony unhappy?! Last I checked, that was my job! Not Pinkie’s!
And then… he uses his magic to attack Pinkie Pie?!
Smiling, my horn glows and picks Pinkie up and spins her around mid air a couple times, then plonks her down on the carriage floor.
Those fucking unicorns! Using their magic to bully others! This is why unicorns are assholes! They think because ‘we’re the master race, because we can use magic! And fuck you!’ Well, assholes, let’s see how ‘master race’ you are, when I CUT YOUR HORN FROM YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND MOUNT IT ON MY WALL! LET’S SEE HOW GREAT YOUR MAGIC IS THEN, DICK HEAD!
Rainbow Dash then flies up to Thunder and… is speaking so fast that nopony can understand her? … And the reason is because she wants to know everything about Thunder?
Why the fuck would she want to know anything about Thunder?! Seriously, why would they want to know anything about Thunder?! It’s not like everypony (with the exception of Pinkie Pie) would go out of their way to know this guy?! He hasn’t done anything! Except buy an apple from Applejack! That’s it!
And even Pinkie Pie is questionable, since I’m convince that Pinkie Pie is just a Changeling in disguise! It would certainly explain the out of character behavior! And would open a new can of stupid!
It’s not like some pony they found in the woods alone and defenseless (which is still stupid by the way), but the story even admitted that he doesn’t have a lot of friends! So, why the hell would Rainbow Dash find him so interesting that it would cause her to stammer like Fluttershy when she has displayed no such behavior, not even to the fucking Wonderbolts?!
So, Thunder starts to explain his backstory, since Rainbow Dash is ‘clearly’ interested.
Thunder reveals that when he was born, he was put into a foster home with his biological parents disappearing. Okay, with you so far.
He says that they moved around a lot and as a result he got sick. Not exactly a smooth transition, but I’ve seen worse.
He saved up all the money he could and when he finally had enough and was old enough he moved out. Starting to lose me story…
He reveals that he left as early as he did because he didn’t belong at the home because he was a unicorn. And I’m lost. I’m so lost that I am not even on the same plane of reality that you are.
Seriously, non-unicorn parents have unicorn children all the time! It’s not that uncommon! My brother and sister in law have a unicorn daughter, and he’s an earth pony and she’s a Pegasus! Hell, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, both earth ponies, had a unicorn and Pegasus because they had that them in their distant relations!
Unless he was abused because he was raised by a racist Earth Pony who had an unjustified hatred of Unicorns. But who would know anypony like that?
So, Thunder explains that he made his way to Ponyville, after seeing a Sonic Rainboom that convinced him to make the journey. Gee, does that sound fucking familiar?!
He arrives in Ponyville where apparently he stays for several years because it mentions that it isn’t until after Twilight defeats the Ursa Minor that he gets his cutie mark. … Just how old were you when you left Canterlot?! 4 months?! If you were the same age as Twilight when she saw the Sonic Rainboom, I’m assuming that at least 10 years passed from then to when Twilight defeated the Ursa Minor, since in said flashback you don’t see Apple Bloom and I assume that she is about 10 years old!
Are you saying you were like early 20’s when you saw the Ursa Minor and you still didn’t have your cutie mark?!
Huh… Well, considering the show has to keep the Cutie Mark Crusaders blank flanks as long as possible, I would not be surprised if that turned out to be the case. … By the way, I have not seen season 5 yet. … And probably won’t until season 5 is completed. So, there you go.
He explains to the group that he’s made an important discovery, but that he can’t tell them what.
He gets to Canterlot where he finds his way through the town via this bullshit…
I used a spell to build a 3d map in my head and then knew how to reach the castle gates.
Because apparently asking for directions or getting a paper map would have been out of the question.
Also, what is this guy? Google Maps?!
Thunder manages to get to the castle where the guards stop him.
“Halt! Who goes there?”
“It is I, Thunder Strike, here to see the Princess”
“Proof please”
“What’s that floating in front of you?”
Jesus, why is it that every story I’ve read has to be either sarcastic to the guards or downright rude?! They’re just doing their fucking jobs!
He gets inside the castle and here’s where I start to question the story again. I know, I’ve been doing it since we started, but here’s where I question it the most.
These last three chapters are unbelievable rushed! At 600 words a chapter, the story rushes through it as if the story was bored of itself and decided that it wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Whether ideas dried up or new interests came, either way, this story’s pacing is atrocious.
And you’re probably asking me, “But wait, Critique, you incredibly handsome hunk of a stallion that is perfect in every way and is totally not racist, are you saying there are only 3 chapters left in this story?”
What the fuck are you doing in my house?! And yes. This story is not only rushed as hell, it's short as fuck. We’re already on the last third of the story and very little has happened. In fact, by the end, barely anything does happen, so I question ‘What was the point of this story?!’
He manages to get to the hall of the Princesses, via telepathic map that Celestia sent him, because I guess Celestia is psychic now and Twilight asks him to demonstrate the spell to her.
So, with a flash of his horn, Thunder Strike transforms himself into an alicorn. Yep, just like that. No explanation of how he was able to do it. Nor does the story explain how he was able to figure out what he was missing. He’s an alicorn now. Don’t ask questions.
Also, he was able to become an Artificial Alicorn by way of magic! I don’t really think that’s different to know Twilight and Cadance became alicorns! Or is the story suggesting that Twilight and Cadance were alicorns the whole time?! Maybe Season 4 is all the story has seen! But that can’t be because I just said that season 4 wasn’t released by the time of this story! Unless, all the story saw was Equestria Girls…
So, even the title of this story is a lie… Smooth...
And fillies and gentlecolts, the story has been really, really bad until this point, with a rushed plot, a ridiculous character that is never explored but it couldn’t get any worse. Wait? … What's this?
I am floating in the air above the castle.
Is that what I think it is?
I perform the spell and go up high, diving just like I saw Dash did at the Young Flier competition.
Wait, this is a risky move by the story?! But can the story pull it off?!
Come on! I aint' giving in!
Is this story actually going to do what I think it is going to do?
Sparks fly. A sparkling sonic rainboom echos forth across Canterlot. Gulp. I didn't think I could actually do that! The ground’s coming up fast! Oh great! Come on artificial wings! Don’t fail me now! I pull off a 180 degree turn and just tap the hard courtyard of the castle and rocket up through Cloudsdale like Dash herself often does, only 20% cooler and faster than ever!
And the story did it! The story did it, fillies and gentlecolts! The story just jumped the shark! Not only has this story pissed on the intelligence of the audience reading this, but it has also pissed on the fans who love Rainbow Dash as a character with this unrealistic setup! One time flyer has surpassed Rainbow Dash who has been training for years and years to perfect her flight abilities! Abilities that not even Twilight could do with her first time flying!
Give it up for the story, fillies and gentlecolts! I have seen some shark jumping in my day, but that… It’s going to be legendary…
So, Twilight is impressed with this stallion's ability to show off and become an alicorn with no effort where it took her almost three seasons of hard work, determination and learning the strengths and faults of herself, and offers to study with him more about the implications that this new spell might have.
Hey, with this story, I’m surprised Twilight didn’t strip and make out with him.
So, there is some attempt to develop a relationship between Twilight and Thunder, but let’s face it, it’s about as developed as the plot for this ungodly abomination!
He meets with Princess Celestia and then… He’s in a dream world? What?!
Yeah, he’s in some kind of dream world where … something is trying to take over his mind?! I… don’t even… what?!
Okay… based on what I can gather… He enters some kind of dream world where something wants to take over his mind. He sees the images of his parents, which begs the question, how would he even know what his parents looked like? I think the image of his parents is being used to trick him, but it doesn’t work, for some reason. And then he focuses on Equestria and frees himself from the dream…
Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.
And then… Starswirl comes down from the heavens to give his blessing to Thunder’s spell?!
What?!...
Okay… I’m good now…
So, the story ends with Thunder Strike waking up from his coma and Twilight being there when he wakes up. No doubt to have lots of sex.
I’ll start by saying this … This story’s premise had a lot of potential.
I mean it. A pony discovering the secrets of turning into an alicorn is not lost on me. I believe there is a lot of story potential that can be told with this kind of set up.
This … is not one of them.
If this story wanted to be great, it first needed to understand the journey that Twilight had to travel to become the alicorn that she is. She had to struggle and fight in order to earn the status that she now has.
And this pony comes along and shows her that it can be done whenever anypony wants. This would be a great way to explore Twilight’s character, as she would most likely ask questions about how hard she had to work to earn her status and if everypony is the same as her, without the hard work, than what is the point of working hard.
It would have been a great character study for Twilight.
Also, for all the talk of this secret falling into the wrong hooves, this story never even tries to touch on that. This should have been a battle of Twilight and some evil force trying to get to the stallion with the secrets of alicorns and Twilight and her friends keeping said stallion safe from forces that would use being an alicorn for personal gain. All the while, questioning whether it was right or not to make others of the main six alicorns or not.
But instead of all that, we get an uninteresting character, with barely any character whatsoever. He’s bland, boring, uninteresting, for all we learn about him, he doesn’t have much of a personality. Hell, even the main six barely have the bare minimum of their personalities.
The writing is very lackluster and the descriptions are very poor. The dialogue is stale and the plot feels like it got bored after about chapter 3 and decided that it would just rush to the end, instead of telling a complete story. Overall, another example of a good idea and extremely poor execution.
Have a great day guys.
***
“Officer Wolfe, I can say the board is quite impressed with your work.”
Wolfe stood with a smile on his face. Weeks upon weeks, he had spent proving himself to the force. With all that he was accomplishing, it would only be a matter of time before his plan would be set in motion. The stallion across from him, the commissioner of the Canterlot Police Force, sat in his chair staring up at him.
“So impressed that they want to send you to Ponyville on a special case.”
Wolfe’s ears couldn’t have perked up faster. It was as if the most wonderful news had reached them. In a sense, it almost was. But he couldn’t get ahead of himself. All he knew is he was going to Ponyville. Nothing else. For all he knew, it was another waste of time. Time tracking down another Equestrian criminal, when he should have been going after his real target.
“What kind of case, chief?”
The horn on the chief’s head flickered brightly as a file on the table floated into the air. Wolfe took the folder in his hooves and opened it.
A photo of a stallion appeared. The stallion he was looking for. The green stallion with black glasses and that stupid purple scarf. What is with the scarf anyway?
Wolfe looked up to the commissioner. “What about this guy?” Trying to play his role.
“Princess Celestia has asked me to send someone to keep a close watch on him.” The commissioner leaned back in his chair. “For some reason, he’s been attacked three times by terrorists. Princess Celestia wants to know why. And she wants him alive to find the answers.”
Another folder floated in the air and flew before Wolfe. Wolfe took the file, playing the commissioner’s game. Opening it, he saw an anthropomorphic unicorn, a blue unicorn and a large human.
“These three are the ones who attacked him. Her royal highness believes that they will strike again to finish the job.” The commissioner leaned forward in his chair, his eyes catching Wolfe’s. “You’re to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
A smile spread across Wolfe’s face. “Don’t worry.” He stood up out of his seat, setting the files on the commissioner’s desk. “These ponies won’t hurt him while I’m around.”
Wolfe turned around and left the office without another word. As he mentally prepared himself for the journey and move to Ponyville, his mind was already conjuring how to deal with his true target. Everything was going perfectly. Soon, very soon, he would deliver exactly what he promised. As slowly and as painfully as possible.
***
Hey, guys. Hope you all enjoyed the review. Want to see more reviews? Then check out the links below to see some of the other stories I've reviewed? I'm sure you'll enjoy them as much as others.
Also, want to give me the 'Critique' treatment because I pissed you off or some other various reason? Feel free to check out my works and give them the beating they deserve.
You forgot Shatterstorm.
"I didn't use periods then, either"
She gave him a BJ that was so good he farted fireworks. Sorry it's the best I got.
wat
silly critique
stories don't have eyes
People who write stuff like "The Uprising"?
?
The same reason Weird Al went to go get some donuts after being robbed by a one-nostril-ed hermaphrodite.
Well, let's see who I've got, Maybe that will help with diversity:
Alexander Silversmith (Lex Luthor)
Steel Wing (Crazy General)
Golden Star (cop)
Rolling Thunder (founder of the Wonderbolts in God Empress)
Dawn Sparkle (Twilight's ancestor)
Silverlight (founder of modern version of Luna's Guard)
Icewind (Viking Pony)
Raven Eyes (Viking Pony Wizard)
Fell-Hoof (Bjorn the fell-Handed as a pony)
A bunch of G1 characters (Surprise, Applejack, Firefly)
Does that help?
"So if she dies, it's totally not my fault, 'kay?"
Yay, conflict resolution
Wait, since when is this in first person? I thought it was in first person?
AUTHOR, YOU CAN'T CHANGE PERSPECTIVE LIKE THAT!
Yeah, it's not like we have a lot of those around here. Just forget about Rarity, Lyra, Sea Swirl, a bunch of others I can't name off the top of my head, and you're all good.
Well, glad to see the rest of the girls are represented beyond their stereotypes
And you do that very well.
"I come from a world known as Earth, but most people call it Holy Terra, the Heart of the Imperium of Man... Wait, this isn't my story."
*From Jurassic Park* Are we lost?
Either that or she's a Transformer, take your pick.
Heh, what a loser.
It's a better name than Thunder Strike...
Yeah, that is a problem... Those guys fought the powers of Chaos for you! Treat them with respect!
Wait, wrong fic.
Absolutely nothing! (Good God, y'all!)
stolendroids.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Ghost-Rider-jumping-the-shark.jpg
Guess I used that picture too early... Oh well, I can improvise.
...
...
...
<Brain.exe has stopped working. Rebooting...>
Well, that story sucked. On to plot!
Because I'm gonna do their job for them!
Although you didn't mention the bit with the giant spaceship... Not that it needs to be brought up since nothing really happened from that.
Looking forward to next week. Hopefully, someday, you'll get some more good stories.
Actually I think they're low level Alicorns, meaning that they probably haven't attained the level of skill with their respective talents that Luna and Celestia have. Like they're at Jedi Knight level but Luna and Celestia are Jedi Masters.
People like to use the statement that "Twilight won't outlive her friends" as proof she's not a FULL alicorn.... But what if this doesn't apply to Twilight not being centuries old like the others... But the rest of the Mane 6 being immortal due to their connection with her? First from the Elements of Harmony now with the Rainbow Power?
Also..... This story is SUCH a self insert in all but name I can just feel it.
And I AGREE with you, the concept Alicorn Regeneration(What I like to call it) is one of those ideas that is rife for story potential.... Granted, more often than not, it just falls under "HEY! I JUST BECAME AN ALICORN! LOOK AT ME!"
3104513
I seem to remember him being better developed than the others though and not nearly as cliché.
Considering this story, I would not at all be surprised.
Then why do they keep glaring at me?
rlv.zcache.com/angry_eyes_notebook-r85cd938cc7ad44b6a0ed18ee6f2385f6_ambg4_8byvr_324.jpg
3104564
I'm sure it will be mentioned. I'm sure the Critique will be blamed for it. I mean... it kind of was his fault to begin with, anyway.
3105277
I would love to read about that kind of head canon. I think exploring other people's head canon is actually rather fascinating. I love hearing about it and I love hearing other people's thoughts. Some that make sense and some that are just absolutely absurd.
That's all this story is. It's just... "LOOK AT ME" And that's why is sucks so bad.
3107012 Yeah, my PERSONAL head canon is that alicorns are quite literally the "super saiyans" of Equestria. Something any pony CAN potentially become, but only under the right circumstances and only through continually training and using their new found power levels do they achieve the kind of power that Celestia and Luna possess.
Luna's initial appearance after being rid of Nightmare Moon kinda proves that theory for me. I see it as being due to the stress of giving into Nightmare AND having the Nigthmare powers drained she was kinda in a mess after that until she got back to her usual self which is of course "taller with ethereal mane"