Critique Review: A Mourning Heart · 3:52pm Jun 3rd, 2015
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
AND THE ‘ROYAL DAY OFF’ JUST GOT 50 LIKES!
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Yeah, you guys are just here for the review, aren’t you?
Right then…
Friendship. A word I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with. I can’t imagine why. Sarcasm, lowest form of humor, blahty-blahty blah!
Now, that that’s out of the way. Let’s get to the attempts at humor that I continue to perform week after week.
A story about friendship is nothing uncommon for the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic series. One could make the argument that it writes itself. But what happens when the friendship becomes unrealistic as it has in the past? Where the overly friendly main six decide that they love the random Jane Doe more than the friends they’ve been with for at least 4 seasons? (More depending on if you’ve seen Season 5 or not.)
What we get are examples of garbage that we’ve seen a hundred times in the past and if the feature box is any indication, something we’ll see a hundred times in the future.
But enough about dogging on stories that may or may not deserve it, let’s start our review of A Mourning Heart by Professor Tacitus
The bright morning sun was shining beautifully over the town of Ponyville.
The sky was blue over Ponyville. Not exactly the most gripping, edge of my seat narration ever to start with.
And considering the story and its premise, could it not have tried to be a bit more ironic with it? Start off with this beautiful imagery of a gorgeous day presented to us with the most smiling world the author can give us? And after that, destroying it by having somepony complain about how bitter they are?
That I would have accepted, but as is, it’s just another way of saying how blue the sky was with the first line of the story! I don’t give a fuck about how blue the fucking sky was that day! What I want is a reason for me to give a fuck about the story!
The sound of birds chirping was all that could be heard until something in the distance disturbed the relative silence.
It was the day after Taco Tuesday and everypony knew what that meant.
A train arrives at the station where we meet our main character for the story, Tacitus.
Now, before you all ride the ‘Self insert is bad’ train, of which I am the conductor, let me be clear. Self inserts in fan fiction or any kind of story for that matter does not automatically make it bad. I’ve said it before in the past and I’ll say it again.
However, most self inserts I’ve read over glorify the character to the point of absurdity and they are only super-special-awesome because the story feels they are super-special-awesome, not because of anything they actually do.
And with that out of the way, ALL ABOARD!
“Now to find where town hall is and see if I can find a house,” he thought as he continued to walk and look around.
Yeah, I don’t think that’s what town hall does.
I mean, I don’t actually attend Town Hall Meetings because I just don’t care, but I’m pretty sure that town hall doesn’t have anything to do with personal housing.
As he is disturbed by memories, though we aren’t told what yet, he runs into … Oh, come on. I really don’t think I have to tell you guys who he runs into in Ponyville.
… Come on. You are all thinking it. You all know the right answer. I mean, it is so obviously this, that it could not possibly be anything else. So, let’s all say it together. Ready? And…
He runs into Pinkie Pie.
Good, you are all such good sheep.
Yes, Pinkie Pie introduces herself in her typical Pinkie Pie manner. I would love to say how much I would love to see a story where the first pony a new pony runs into is Discord of all characters, if only to make them want to leave Ponyville as quickly as possible.
Pinkie Pie sings her ‘Welcome Wagon Song’, again music in fan fiction. Can’t hear! Yes, I do realize the hypocriticalness of Mykanuary.
And the stallion reacts to Pinkie Pie with mild surprise at best. I guess he ran into Cheese Sandwich on his way here. And everypony knows Cheese Sandwich is the superior party pony.
Oh, knock it off, that only works with the cute ones.
Now, that I’ve re-established myself as an asshole. Let’s continue…
So, he asks Pinkie Pie where Town Hall is, again completely ignoring the song and dance routine and the fact that he was just covered in cake batter. Maybe he was hoping for something a bit more crazy.
Okay… last time I’m mean to Pinkie Pie in this review. … No, I make no promises.
Pinkie Pie tells him where to go, Tee Hee… Sorry. And runs off to plan Tacitus’s party.
We then cut to Pinkie’s point of view… Rather bizarrely, the more I think about it… where we see that Pinkie Pie feels that something isn’t quite right with that pony.
“Hmmm. Something seemed off about that pony, but I can’t quite put my hoof on it. Oh well, no time to worry about that now, I’ve got a party to plan!”
Off? What do you mean ‘something seemed off’? There was nothing to indicate something being ‘off’! Whatever the hell that means! The only thing in the exchange between the two is that he had a sad look on his face because you ate all the cake.
The cake is a lie.
Pop-culture references, lowest form of humor, blahty-blahty blah.
Hell, even the story admits to that! So, why would we think that something is off?!
Tacitus manages to make his way to Town Hall where upon he learns if he wants to purchase a house, he has to go through the mayor. Seems a little out of her jurisdiction, but look at it this way, she actually gets to fucking do something in Ponyville.
I would not be all that surprised if that was the case with most of the episodes for how little of an impact she makes.
So, Tacitus talks to the Mayor about buying a house. And they just happen to have a completely furnished one on hoof.
And yes, I know fully furnished homes happen all the time, but it's a little odd that no prior planning was done beforehoof by this guy. What was he planning on doing if there wasn’t a home for sale? Sleep in the dirt? Give me a shovel, I’ll help with that!
Also, what was his plan if there wasn’t a fully furnished home? Was he planning on sleeping on boards? How was he going to afford furniture?! Like a bed and shit?! Now, many of you might say that, ‘he’s probably got some kind of job waiting for him.’ And I call bullshit on this, if he had a job, 1: He would know he was going to Ponyville to work and thus would plan a little better. 2: There is never mention of a job prior to this and honestly with the poor planning on his part, I would not be surprised if he threw darts at a map of Equestria and it just happened to land on Ponyville.
Plus, I’ve read the story all the way through and he doesn’t have a job! In fact, he needs to start looking for a job and hope they have one!
And yes, I know that it’s supposed to be because he’s too distracted by his thoughts to plan. But the story should make that clear. He should be berating himself for being an idiot and not thinking things through, thanking Celestia that he got as lucky as he did!
Something I wish I could have been. You would not believe the amount of tax money that comes out of your paycheck every month when you live in a library.
There is also the matter of you paying for the damages to the library and its content.
I liked you better when you were whining about Ultron.
So, he signs his contract without even looking at the place in question. Yeah, all he does is look at the documents. Who knows how old those are? I think that’s homebuying 101. Seriously, what if the house looked like this?
Tacitus: Wow… I’m a idiot…
Tacitus arrives at his new home and starts to examine the place, like he should have done before the purchase, but if you couldn’t tell, our hero is a bit on the slow side.
As he starts to unpack, he finds two photos that cause him grief. One he throws at the wall, shattering the frame. … Which is really odd the more I think about it.
Tacitus: Damn this tacky picture frame!
The other he weeps into.
I guess, he’s angry at the one, but why would you bring it with you, if you were just going to shatter it anyway?!
After a brief moment of mourning, (Hah, I get it) Tacitus decides to get something to eat. Well, we’ve already run into Pinkie Pie in this story about a new pony coming to Ponyville. What’s the next big thing we should do? Well, in order to figure that out, it’s time to play WHEEL OF MAIN SIX!
Oh, this is a classic. For those of you who’ve never played this before, let me lay it down for you. Whenever a story needs to know which character to introduce his OC to, they simply go to the Wheel of Main Six. Take a spin and whatever the point lands on is the character that our hero runs into next.
So, let’s take a spin and find out what we got.
And we land on…
APPLEJACK! WE LANDED ON APPLEJACK! THANK YOU FOR PLAYING EVERYONE! THANK YOU!
So, Tacitus goes and purchases a few apples from Applejack, (not a lot, not several, but a few) but Applejack notices something wrong with the new guy in town. The story claims its because of the ‘mask’ he wears, but I have a really hard time buying it, since he doesn’t really act different. He shows tears coming down his face, but maybe he got some dust in his eyes or something.
“I reckoned you were a newcomer, on account of I ain’t seen you before. My name’s Applejack.” She extended her hoof out to him.
Redundancy redundant.
So, Applejack gives the dude the apples he purchased for free. I would have argued that their financial situation is probably in the pits, as it always is, but she did give Bon-Bon like three basket of apples for free, so what you going to do?
He asks Applejack about jobs in the area, and Applejack suggests talking to Twilight. Because being a princess means you can offer jobs to everypony. I see that the mayor is still getting high off her ass.
I guess you could argue about a government job, so I’ll let it slide.
And the story comes up with a contrived way to get us to our next character by Tacitus asking where to get some new clothes to look nice for his interview. Well, how arrogant is that?! He doesn’t even know what job he’s applying for and already he knows he’s getting an interview!
Also, way to subtly tell us what character he’s going to meet next. Clearly, he’s going to meet with Rainbow Dash.
Applejack is still concerned about what she saw and promises to speak to her friends about it. I guess the concerns of a random stranger and their unhappiness is enough to disturb the main six. Again, the overly sensitive, overly friendly characters of the series care more about the feelings of Random Joe here than they did Twilight in the first episode.
So, as you would expect, Tactician goes to the Carousel Boutique and meets up with Rarity, where this scene happens.
Her eyes opened to reveal ocean-blue orbs that widened slightly as she took in her new customer, specifically taking in his choice of attire. “Oh, sweetie, I don’t believe that hat goes well with that scarf. If you’ll just let me take that, I’ll find you something more appropriate.”
Her horn radiated with a light blue glow that soon enveloped Tacitus’s hat. His eyes became wild.
“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.
Um… Wow… Do you want to go back and try that again, Rarity, darling? Only this time… DO IT RIGHT!
Is it me? Or is Rarity kind of a bitch in this scene?
I mean, she tries ripping off the clothing of another Pony who comes in to her store just because they don’t match?! What kind of mare does that?! I know it’s suppose to be about her character, but I fail to see somepony who would go out of her way to make everypony in Manehatten’s life a little better would be so callous in her approach to this.
And again, it’s just a contrived reason for Tactician to have a freak out.
After an awkward silence, Tactician apologizes for freaking out on her and Rarity apologizes for being a bitch.
Tactician explains that he wants to get a job in the education business and Rarity takes his measurements. You know, you can take my measurements anytime, Rarity. Just don’t touch my stuff.
“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.
Told you.
And so Rarity tells him that his suit will be ready LATER THAT AFTERNOON?!
… You mean, later that afternoon, like… a week from now, right?
LATER THAT AFTERNOON THAT DAY?!
Are you fucking kidding me?! What, is she making the suit out of rocks?!
I mean, I know she says it’s a simple design, but… really?!
Well, if you can make an entire home with a holographic projection room in one afternoon with nothing but rocks, I guess anything’s possible!
We then cut to Rarity’s point of view as Tactician walks out of the store. … Really oddly the more I think about it. Let me explain.
When we first cut to Pinkie’s point of view and then back to Tacitus’s, there was a page break. Then with Applejack and Rarity, there isn’t any kind of page break. I don’t think that either one is technically wrong in a third-person narrative, but good God, could we have some consistency?
Especially since the Pinkie Pie scene was as short as it was.
So, the wheel keeps spinning as it finally lands on Rainbow Dash.
“Hold up!” She flew into the rain and landed in front of Tacitus. He extended his barrier to shield her from the rain as well. “Don’t you know who I am?”
… The Juggernaut Bitch?
Rainbow’s mouth was agape and her rose-colored eyes were wide in surprise. “Duh! I’m only the most awesome pony in Equestria! Hero of Ponyville, flew in the Equestria Games, the only pony to perform the sonic rainboom? Ring any bells?”
Oh… because I thought you were a bitch in this scene. Seriously, why is it that any time any pony comes into town the main six try SUPER hard to make everypony like them?! I don’t know about you, but I would find them fucking annoying if they had to do this with every pony that comes to Ponyville! Imagine what the tours are like!
Tourist: Wow, the city of Ponyville. I can’t believe I’m here.
Welcome to Ponyville! Wanna be my friend and learn everything about me?!
Tourist: Uh... No, thank you. I’m just here to see the sights.
Hey, want to see the Magnificent Rainbow Dash perform a Sonic Rainboom while drinking a glass of milk?!
Tourist: No, I’d just like to get the museum.
Wanna say hello to all my animal friends?
Tourist: Leave me alone!
*Tourist runs off*
Another Tourist: Gosh, I can’t wait to see Ponyville.
Hooray! A new friend!
So, Tactician, or Tacitus or whatever I decide to call him, leaves Rainbow Dash after she makes a thunderstorm over Ponyville and … their scene was totally pointless since we already know he doesn’t want to make any friends and this scene just tells us what we already know. So, there was no point to it.
Again, nice way to introduce us to Rainbow Dash in a… time wasting way.
So, let’s see… We’ve met Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie… Obviously Twilight has to be last… Who are we missing?
Do you mind? I’m trying to think here!
He sees Fluttershy in the rain with her animal friends.
Obviously, Fluttershy giving a tour of what happens to Ponyville in the rain. … I don’t know, it’s the best explanation I can come up with.
And he decides to help her get home. Which is really weird since last scene he was able to make a magical barrier to prevent the rain from getting Rainbow Dash wet. And the animals are having trouble because the umbrella Fluttershy brought was too small for all of them. So, why doesn’t he just make a magical barrier for Fluttershy the way he did Rainbow Dash and walk away?
The only thing consistent about unicorn magic is how inconsistent it is!
So, he escorts Fluttershy home, something that Fluttershy is not all that disturbed by. I don’t blame her. I too have allowed strange men to escort me home.
Tacitus leaves with Fluttershy being extremely observant at how strange he’s acting. Not that we actually see any of that, making me convinced that the main six are now psychic.
A voice called from inside the cottage. “Oh Fluttershy! I’m so glad you’re back from your picnic. The tea was starting to get cold. I hope you don’t mind, but I let some of the rain in through the roof and made a hot tub.”
Fluttershy sighed slightly. “Coming Discord.”
Ooooh… Smooth work, Discord. Smooth work.
After his detour with the shy pony, as the story puts it, I guess Tacitus cared little about Fluttershy, even though she gave him her name, number, and social security card! He makes his way to Twilight’s Castle (Castle of Friendship? I haven’t seen Season 5 yet! So, I don’t know what the fuck it’s called!)
He mentions that he remembers when Tirek sucked the magic out of him and how it was nothing compared to the pain he’s going through now.
There’s a metaphor for this scene, but all I can think about is how much a giant evil Centaur would improve this story right now.
He walks into the library and sees Spike. Oh, more target practice, let me get my...
Sir, an email has just arrived for you. It is rather urgent.
Computer! I’m in the middle of a review! I don’t answer emails!
You might want to reconsider this one.
Fine. Post it up for me.
Dear Mr. Critique,
It has come to our attention that your have berated Spike constantly throughout the course of your reviews. We as personal fans of the dragon, Spike, do not appreciate your constant insults to him or the wonderful work he has done for us. Therefore, we ask that you refrain from belittling Spike in any of your reviews from this day forward. If you do not comply with this request, we claim no responsibility to what happens to you or your library.
Sincerely,
The President of the Spike Fan Club.
Well, that was a waste of a letter! I get those every other day! Now, let’s see here… Where was I?
Spike tells Tactician that Twilight is upstairs and that he is welcome to see her. He goes upstairs where he asks Twilight for a job in the education business. Oh, yeah. That will be good for the kids. He can teach them about how home buying works. Get lucky as fuck.
He explains that he taught at Equestria University. A school for hacks! I went to Ponyville Community College! And Twilight is impressed by this and when he reveals himself to be Professor Tacitus, and
OH. MY. GOSH! You’re Professor Tacitus, the famous historian! You discovered the lost tomb of Trotankhamun, the palace of Hoofshepsut, the Roamen ruins of Nova Domus! I have your book on the history of the Roamen Empire right here.”
Okay, we’ve got an Indiana Jones fan! I shouldn’t be all that surprised with Mrs. Daring Lara Croft Do.
So, Twilight starts going fangirl on the guy and wants to be the best of friends with this guy. And Tacitus pretty much snaps at her.
This is what Tacitus was worried about. Now that she knew who he was and all he’d done, she’d want to be his “friend”, just like she did. No. He refused to be used again.
“No Princess, we’re not.” Twilight stopped bouncing and the smile fell from her face. “I didn’t come to Ponyville for ‘friends’. I came here to find a job and live the rest of my life in peace. The last thing I need in my life now is what ‘friendship’ brings. I’m sorry. Good day.” He turned to leave, but stopped at the sound of Twilight’s voice.
Well, up yours, asshole!
Seriously, she’s called the fucking Princess of Friendship! Did you really think that a subject that she is a part of would not be brought up?! And Twilight acts like Pinkie Pie when Cranky Doodle didn’t want to be her friend!
I’m sorry, but wasn’t Twilight the one who told Pinkie that maybe some ponies just want to be left alone?!
“But friendship only brings happiness.” She couldn’t understand why somepony wouldn’t want friendship and the joy it brings.
And again, switching points of view without any real indication. Again, not technically wrong, but inconstant, based on what we’ve seen.
Also, tell that to my friends! I’m sure they’d agree with you! All none of them on Facebook!
After picking up his suit from Rarity, again the suit clearly pulled out of her ass, he goes home when Pinkie Pie knocks on his door, I’m a little surprise she didn’t break into his house and set up the party there, and tells him about a party going on in Sugar Cube Corner.
Tacitus says he’s not interested, but Pinkie Pie is insistent. Again, I know I’ve harped on this. But I’m going to harp on this, until the harp strings break and even then, I question if I will stop harping on this!
THEY WENT THROUGH THIS WITH CRANKY DOODLE DONKEY!
They went through this kind of thing where someone didn’t want to be their friend, already! Why would this guy be any different?! Any attempt of friendship making they do after this moment wouldn’t work because Pinkie Pie already knows this lesson! Twilight knows this lesson! The main fucking six know this lesson!
The only reason Pinkie Pie kept going back to Cranky is because she felt bad and wanted him to accept her apology! That’s it! It wasn’t to get him to be her friend! Is that what happened? Yes, but at the same time, that was never Pinkie’s goal when she went back after being rejected!
Call me overreacting, but it makes this story unbelievable unrealistic! Maybe not a bad thing, but I just don’t find it interesting!
So, Pinkie Pie goes to Sugar Cube Corner to tell the others that Tactical Nukes aren’t coming. A sad day for us all indeed.
So, Pinkie Pie breaks up the party and honestly the story brings up an interesting point that I had failed to consider.
Rainbow chimed in. “Sounds like another Cranky Doodle Donkey incident. Maybe we should just leave him alone.”
You know, Pinkie Pie seemed to have given up on that friendship far too easily! I know I just said that he should leave her alone, but if she’s not going to leave him alone anyway, why the fuck doesn’t she just go all out Pinkie Pie?! Annoy him to the point where all he wants is to get away from her!
But no, one invite and she’s depressed about it!
She should be doing everything in her power to annoy… Sorry, I read that wrong… persuade the guy to be her friend!
The main six are positively baffled as the stallion seems really nice. Rarity explains what happened at her shop and how he got unstable when Rarity touched his stuff.
Well, I can see that’s a guy I’d want to be friends with.
Well, I went to touch his things, but he reacted very violently, called me a ‘slut whore’ and then beat me with a shovel.
That settles it! Come on, everypony! Let’s go meet our new friend!
So, Twilight and the others come up with a plan to show this guy the magic of friends. Yeah, while you're at it, maybe you can make Doctor Doom not want to be evil. Or at least, not suck in the next movie. And Pinkie Pie asks if she can go first.
“Uh, sure Pinkie,” Twilight answered. “Just try not to overdo it.”
Sure, let the psychotic alone with the unstable guy! I’m sure that will go over well!
I need a youtube video of that.
We then cut to Professor Tartarus waking up from a nightmare. Not that we actually see any nightmare and I can’t help, but feel this is a missed opportunity to get more into the psyche of our main character.
We see bits and pieces to be sure, but it would be nice to have something to piece it all together. I’m guessing he was used by somepony he cared about, but what about the nightmares disturbed him? What was he afraid of? Angry about?
I know you want to keep the gripping secret as long as possible for the big dramatic reveal of why he’s so bitter, but can’t you just hint at it?! Even a little?!
Pinkie Pie meets him at his front door and…
“Hey Tacitus!”
*Sigh* “Good morning Pinkie.”
Did he not make himself clear last night? “Just relax, she’s only saying hello…I hope.”
Did… Did you just put a sigh? Between asterisk? What is this? A RP CHAT ROOM?!
Typically you would use an asterisk when you want to put something in a footnote or something! Why would you use it to give the character the action of sighing?!
Would it be too difficult to show the physical movements and to hear the sounds of such a person performing these tasks?!
This is some RP short cut bullshit! Not a written story!
So, Pinkie Pie promises to make him smile by… Oh, god…
Yes, fillies and gentlecolts, Pinkie Pie starts singing her song.
And don’t get me wrong, I love this song. In fact, it’s my favorite song in the entire series, but… What is the fucking point?!
It’s a song in a fan fiction setting! Again, we can’t hear it! We can’t listen to it! So, they’re no point to it!
And yes, it’s a song from the fandom! Yes, it’s a song from the actual show! But if you had read this like a book where the music wasn’t readily available to you, how would you be able to hear it?!
YES, I KNOW I’M A HYPOCRITE! SHUT UP!
And want to know what’s worse… Pinkie Pie forces Tacitus to participate. Now, to be fair, this is something Pinkie Pie would do, but here’s the thing… WHY THE FUCK WOULD TWILIGHT AND THE OTHERS LET PINKIE PIE GO FIRST?!
They know how crazy she can get! They know how over the top she can get! So, why would they allow her to go first?! Hell, this especially doesn’t make sense since she’s already gone through this with Cheese Sandwich!
Yeah, remember that episode! In that episode, she gets so wrapped up in what she wants that she doesn’t see what another pony wants! And when she sees Rainbow Dash not enjoying herself, she notices that if the other pony isn’t having fun, what’s the point?!
The scene shows that Tacitus is scared of many of Pinkie’s antics (Even though he’s never shown that before with the cake and such) and that he’s uncomfortable with it all!
So, anyway, Tacitus flips out on Pinkie Pie after all this… And I’ll admit… she does kind of deserve it…
“’It isn’t that bad’? How would you know?! How could you possibly understand what sadness is?! You don’t know sadness like I do! Nopony does! I’m sick and tired of ponies saying ‘I understand’ or ‘it’s going to be ok.’ Why can’t you get it through that thick head of yours that I don’t want your ‘help’ or your bogus sympathy?!”
On the one hoof, I totally agree with you. These ponies are going far too out of their way for a pony they just met. Pinkie Pie, maybe. The rest of the main six. Yeah, out of their way.
On the other hoof, Tacitus is kind of a prick here. And I know he’s in mourning, which I will let slide. As long as he doesn’t immediately apologize for acting like a…
”Oh my gosh, Pinkie, I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me, I didn’t mean any of that. I just…I appreciate what you’re trying to do but, it’s a lost cause. Please, for my sake and for your own, just give up on me. Everypony else has.” He said the last part quietly to himself, but Pinkie caught it.
FUCK!
So, Pinkie Pie finds it very quickly and easily to forgive Mr. Warhead and he continues on his way to the schoolhouse. Because children need a teacher who obviously has some mental issues to work out. I’d let my children near the lunatic!
Tacitus arrives at the Ponyville Elementary to talk to Ms. Cheerilee to discuss his employment.
And then...Cheerilee interviews him? Huh… I’m pretty sure that’s the job of a district office, or hell, I’d even accept a fucking principle at this point. But hey, the politics of Ponyville are shit. Unless this is the same universe where Diamond Tiara is dying in the street because Cheerilee kicked her out of school.
Cheerilee is impressed with his credentials and gives the stallion a job on the spot.
So, after his major blowup in Pinkie Pie’s face, what’s the best thing for the main six to do?
“Wassup Tacitus?” Rainbow Dash asked as she began to hover next to him.
DON’T YOU HAVE SOME EVIL BEINGS TO DEFEAT! ARE YOUR LIVES SO BORING THAT YOU NEED THIS GUY TO ADD SOME FUCKING EXCITEMENT TO IT?!
So, after Rainbow Dash talks the guy’s ear off, because, you know, the main six are obviously in love with this guy, they decide to leave him alone, give him a moment to cool down before letting him know that even if he doesn’t want friends, he’s welcome to talk to them because they do care what he’s going through even if they don’t understand it and…
When Tacitus was close enough, Applejack stepped out and waved to him. “Good mornin’ Tacitus!”
Applejack invites him to go to her farm and help them out. When he at first refuses, Applejack gives him the puppy dog eyes and asks him again.
Applejack… I’m going to make this a clear as possible… Come here… Atta girl. Come here… Come here…
I feel so much better now…
Sir, that was absolutely cruel!
And yet very satisfying.
So after … ugh… Tacticus agrees to go on the farm, Applejack introduces him to Big MacIntosh and he helps clear the east acres with his magic. Much like Twilight did.
I would make a comment about unicorns, but I used up all my anti-unicorn speeches last week.
Applejack manages to drag Tactician into her home to meet Granny Smith and ask him to tell more about himself. Apparently, he worked in Canterlot for many years but traveled around as part of his job.
As he puts it…
“I’m a historian, and as such, I travel to many locations to excavate and study historical artifacts and ruins.”
Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, that’s not what a historian does.
Now granted, he’s probably both an archaeologist and a historian, so that would make sense. But archaeologists and historians are not the same thing!
So, after lunch, Tacitus leaves when Applejack asks about his family. With Rainbow Dash stalking him.
Yeah, that’s another thing that bothers me about the main six in this story. I know they are trying to help this guy, but this is stalker territory! If he wanted, he could go to the cops to report your stalker asses! … Although, since Princess Twilight is… well… a princess… she would probably enjoy diplomatic immunity.
Well played, Twilight…
“What is the deal with these ponies? They’re taking advantage of my nature and forcing me to get close to them. Can’t they take a hint?”
That’s it! That’s it right there! That’s the whole story summed up in that one paragraph! Do you even need me?
So… interestingly enough… the scenes with the main six actually start getting a lot shorter. Like with Rarity, it’s only a few paragraphs long. Yeah, kind of like the story was running out of ideas. Where as Applejack’s had a few scenes to get through and we learned a little more about Tacitus’s character making it worth the extra time spent on them. With this, we learn nothing about the character or any difference to how he interacts with the main six.
It’s just
Be my friend.
Tacitus: No.
And it doesn’t add anything to the story that we haven’t already seen. It’s pointless. I can’t help but feel that this could have only been improved by focusing on one, maybe two characters of the main six, instead of trying to shove them all in. The way this is done is really cluttered, since all these characters are fighting for screen time!
So, after Fluttershy gets her paragraph, which again… adds nothing. The Cutie Mark Crusaders crash into Tacitus. The Crusaders apologize and explain to this random stranger that they are going to the Everfree Forest to study the local wildlife.
Well, let me know how that goes when you run into a Manticore. Oh, wait, Applebloom has her Manticore Slaying Cutie Mark. Never mind. *eye twitches*
So, you are not going to freak out over it this time?
No. I’ve actually started this meditation that keeps me from freaking out about it. *eye twitches*
... Are you sure?
Yeah. I’m just fine. *eye twitches.* Now, where was I?
Meanwhile, the main six are discussing what to do about Tacitus. I am just waiting for the scene to turn out like this.
Professor Tacitus has refused our magic of friendship.
Indeed. His tacky choice of fashion is unforgivable.
We should burn his house down and eat his children!
Do not worry, my friends. This one who spurned our friendship will get what is coming to him.
With how psychotic the main six has been acting, I would not be surprised if that was what it was leading up to.
Twilight decides to go and talk to Tacitus, but Tacitus is not interested.
Twilight was not deterred. “Don’t make me make this a royal order.”
….
…
…
…
…
Okay then… I’ll be right back…
And then, Spiders and Magic ended. The end.
Ah… I needed to get that out…
Thankfully our lecture by Twilight is skipped when Applejack comes and asks where Applebloom and her friends are. Tacitus explains that he saw them go into the Everfree Forest. Applejack and Twilight are upset by this since the Everfree Forest is dangerous and they go out to find them. Tacitus following them.
So, they gather a search party for the girls, where I guess Tacitus has enough time to meet Discord, and they begins their search for the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They split up to try and cover more ground and after a while they find the Crusaders being chased by Timberwolves.
Obviously the Timberwolves are the only creatures that are dangerous in the Everfree Forest. Which is why so many stories only use THEM!
Tacitus manages to find them and drives away the Timberwolves after a brief battle with them.
After Tacitus rescues them, the rest of the group finally catch up.
Even Rainbow Dash was in tears. “You had me worried Scoots. Where would I be without my number one fan?” She hugged her adopted sister close.
Yeah, tell that to the thousands of other Rainbow Dash fans. It’s not like they’re in short supply.
So, they have a few sweet moments where they ask the Crusaders what happened and they are happy their safe and it’s actually kind of nice to get away from Tacitus for a moment and focus on…
“Tacitus, I didn’t get to speak with you before this whole search started, but I feel that I need to speak now.” Twilight waited for him to respond, but he just remained quiet and still.
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! At least wait til they get out of the forest first before having her ask that!
So, Tacitus agrees to tell them about his past, hoping if he tells them they’ll finally leave him alone.
Wait… He wants to be left alone? Well, why didn’t he just say that in the first place?
So, they make it back to the living room. I assume Tacitus since there is mention of the picture frame he shattered. And he begins his story.
“Before I start, can I just ask a favor? What I’m about to tell you all is extremely hard for me. I’ve been trying so hard to forget about it, and saying it out loud, reliving what I went through…it’s just not easy and I want to get it over with as quickly as possible. So please, while I’m talking, don’t interrupt and don’t ask questions. Just let me speak and listen quietly.”
I have a question!
Tacitus: I just told you not to ask me questions!
This isn’t about the story! Can I have a one of your sodas?
Tacitus: What? … No! You can’t have my soda!
Come on, dog! Just one sip!
“NO,” he screamed as he leaped back, his hoof clutching his hat as if his life depended on it.
Jesus guy! It’s just a soda!
“Oh, this is going to be good.” The smirk on his face quickly dissipated after Fluttershy shot him a glare. He remained quiet after that.
Why do I have a feeling that Discord is going to be wrong about this?
So, Tacitus explains that he was a bookworm in his youth and never made time for friend. Oh, yeah… Tacky Tack Tacitus… Yeah, I remember that nickname… Sorry, was reliving my childhood. Ah, good times…
Tacky Tack reveals that his parents were some of the best in Equestria, but all that changed when he met a mare named Cassy. Typical. Perfect lifestyle until a mare comes into your life.
God… this joke is starting to wear thin…
He explains that he was an expert in his field and was even called a prodigy. One day, a mare appears and he walks up to and she asks him out.
‘Oh, I know who you are. My name’s Cassy. How’d you like to go out for dinner tonight and tell me a little more about yourself? I’d love to get to know somepony as special as you.’
Huh? With those words, you were surprised she stabbed you in the back? You really are an idiot outside your field, aren’t you?
As you would expect, Cassy decides she like Blueblood more and Cassy comes out and spells it for him.
She sighed before she finally turned around to look at him. ‘Look Tacitus, the only reason I was friends with you was because you were the most famous pony I could get my hooves on. Now that I’ve met Blueblood, you don’t matter anymore.’
Huh… Bitch.
So, Tacky reveals that he was traumatized by the event and has since sworn off friendship. And then his parents die. Yep… as if he needed more of a reason to be sad. His parents die. Rather unceremoniously the more I think about it.
I mean, what is it that kills them?
The plot.
No, I’m serious. The plot came to life, grabbed a knife and went Michael Myers on their asses.
I was terrified. I quickly rushed them to the hospital, but nopony could figure out what was wrong with them. It was like their life was just slowly draining away.
I never left their side. I hardly ate, hardly slept. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, that they’d never seen an illness like this. They lasted about a month before they…passed on.
So, the parents died by some unknown disease and nopony bothered to report on it? … Okay, whatever…
And of course, everyone that he once knew when he was in the world of ‘historians’ completely forget about him as soon as his parents died. Oh, good. The world needed a few more reasons for me to not give a shit.
After the story, everyone gives Tacitus a big hug. Aww… that’s all he needed. He just needed a hug…
LAME!
Oh, and here’s a fun author's note about the death of Tacky Tacky Tack Tact’s parents.
I know some of you might be thinking that killing Tacitus's parents with an unknown illness was lazy, but just trust me on this one. The next story I have for Tacitus will go into how and why his parents died. Just keep in mind that the real reason for their deaths is a central component of the next story.
And yet, you leave the questions hanging. Here’s a thought, why don’t you tells us that they were dead and leave it at that? We certainly wouldn’t have questioned it! Yeah, it would still be out of the blue, but we wouldn’t think anything frightening or shocking of it, or ask questions.
Why not bring this information in the sequel as the first moment it appears, since that’s going to be the central theme anyway?! If this was an epilogue moment to get us to the next story, I’d get that! But this just seems forced and doesn’t focus on the important thing!
Also, thanks for spoiling that ‘there’s going to be a twist!’ in the next story! Now I can play ‘Spot the foreshadowing’.
So, Tacitus accepts the main six as his facebook friends and our story ends with him happy that he finally got to make some friend and the main six are happy that their evil plan is going swimmingly.
Because of them he could say, for the first time in a long time, that he was happy. No nightmares came that night, or ever again.
Or in this story for that matter.
Didn’t like.
Let’s start with the most obvious of problems in this story. The main six themselves. They are pushy, self-absorbed and arrogant. Why? Because they see themselves as these higher beings that feel the need to interfere with others lives and push their beliefs onto others.
Now, do I think that friendship is a good thing? Yes. Do I think it was wrong for them to want to help Tacitus? No. But they do go about it the wrong way.
They never allow Tacitus to have a moment to cool off or show any respect to him. Instead, they show how overeager they are to help him and that, ironically, drives him further away. Again, I would expect this sort of thing from Pinkie Pie, maybe Rainbow Dash if I tried hard enough, but not all of them!
All of them act like they need to save this stallion from the loneliness that is his life, but they never give any consideration or respect to Tacitus.
Which brings me to my next big problem with this story. This story is extremely cluttered. Some scenes going longer than others, with many of the main six barely able to form a conversation with him before going onto the next one. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I feel that this story could have been made that much stronger if it had focused on one or two characters of the main six.
This would have allowed more time to devote to Tacitus and how he interacts with those characters. It certainly doesn’t have to involve romance, but there has to be some kind of bond or trust and this story doesn’t feel like it has that since all the main six are fighting for the dude’s attention.
While Professor Tacitus is far from the worst OC I’ve ever read about, he’s certainly not very good. I can’t help but feel that he’s a bit unbalanced as far as a personality. Being the kindest stallion in the world one moment, and acting like a total prick the next. I’m not saying he can’t be diverse, but it often changes on a whim, with little to no build up. I can’t help, but feel that after he snapped at Pinkie Pie, he should have stayed snapped. At least, maybe for a little while, before realizing his mistake.
And his backstory is … well…. silly. I was willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt for him being hurt by the girl he thought he loved. That was at least acceptable. Not good, but at least acceptable. Then you add in his parents dying for no adequate reason! And yes, I know that this plays a part in the sequel!
Fair enough, but this is overkill and makes it seem silly rather than sad. I don’t get Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben death scene here. I get more of Sergeant Calhoun’s backstory from Wreck It Ralph.
I’m not saying don’t kill the parents off, but maybe make it his fault that the girl broke up with him. Yeah, make him so hurt by the death of his parents that he pushes everyone he cares about away from him. In fact, that would make more of his outbursts seem believable since that’s basically all he’s doing anyway. Pushing ponies away that were trying to help him. And it would follow the ‘Professors abandoned him’ bullcrap and make that more believable.
And this is him trying to recover, but occasionally giving in to the anger and grief.
The writing feels inconsistent with sometimes using page breaks and other times not and past and present tense shifts in the narration.
Overall, not my favorite story by a long shot, but give this story a little credit, with some polishing up and a little more time, this story might have actually been pretty damn decent. But as it, it feels unfocused and tangled in high ambitions.
Now, if you’ll excuse me… *eye twitches* I think my meditative state is wearing- A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK! A MANTICORE SLAYING CUTIE MARK!
***
Celestia, what a day, the large Bronze Bolt stated as he trotted up his sidewalk. His massive legs putting themselves one after another. It was all he could do not to drop on the ground and collapse.
Work hadn’t been going well for him of late. They promised to give him a new position when something opened up. But that promise kept going out of reach everyday. He’d make his disappointment known, but his superiors would always reassure him that it was going to happen eventually.
He scoffed in his mind. Yeah, eventually. Maybe when Tartarus freezes over. Placing his hoof on the door knob, he slowly opened the door. A smile came across his face as the door made a slight squeaking sound. He knew what would happen when that sound reached the ears of the one’s inside the house.
‘Daddy!” a high pitch voice came from across the hall in the living room. A tiny light blue figure with long yellow hair burst out of the room. As fast as her little legs could carry her, she appeared next to Bronze’s side.
With a chuckle, Bronze moved his massive right hoof, sweeping up the tiny filly. He pressed his lips against her cheek with an overdramatic smooch. “How is my little princess today?”
“Mommy and I went to the park after breakfast and I played with my friends, April Showers and Blue Doodle, and we played tag! And then we went to see grandma, and we went to lunch and I got chicken fingers!”
A bellow emerged from Bronze’s mouth as he shut the door behind him, carrying his little princess down the hall. “Sounds like you had a busy day.”
The little princess, Melody, nodded with a big smile as the came to the living room. A bright pink mare stood up from the seat on the floor. Building blocks littered the room with a large half built fort in the middle. Colors of all types were scattered around the fort in a seemingly random pattern. Maybe that’s what it was.
“She certainly did.” The mare made her way to Bronze’s left side, resting her hoof on his shoulder. “Her and grandma both.” The mare leaned across Bronze and gently nuzzled Melody.
A gasp came from Melody’s mouth as she looked to Bronze. “Wanna see what Grandma and I made?”
Bronze set Melody down off his shoulder and smiled. “Sure.”
With that, Melody sprinted across the room to a small plastic table, perfect for her size and swiped a piece of paper from the counter. A moment later and a few quick movements of her legs, she raised the piece of paper as high as she could. Six crayon drawings of ponies sat on it.
Melody tilted the paper towards her to see and point to each of the ponies. “Look, there’s mommy, and me and you, and grandpa and grandma, and Uncle Copper.”
As Bronze eyed the picture, each of them were widen eyed and smiling, with the exception of Copper. While smiling, he still had a narrow brow. It made Bronze chuckle. “Well, at least you got his scowl right.”
Melody made her way to her mother’s side and grabbed onto her hoof. “Mommy, let’s finish our castle!”
Sunshine kneeled down and pecked her daughter on the cheek. “In a minute, I need to talk to daddy for a second, okay?”
Melody nodded and skipped over to the set of blocks, waiting to be part of her castle.
Sunshine gave a chuckle. “She’s getting so big.”
Bronze leaned closer to her, putting his hoof around her. “That she is.”
“She’s going to start school next fall. Her first day of school ever.” A chuckle escaped her lips. “Grandma was talking about it with her. I don’t think she’ll ever be more excited for school to start.”
Bronze shook his head and chuckled. “That’s grandma.”
A moment of silence washed over them, as if Sunshine wanted to say something, but was lost in her own thoughts. Maybe watching Melody was a distraction. A pleasant distraction to be sure. But something that kept them from facing what she really needed to talk about.
Bronze could sense this. Maybe it was because he was thinking the same thing. Finally, Sunshine spoke. “What are we going to do about her? Your parents can’t always be there, and neither can we.”
“Copper would look after her. You know he would.”
Sunshine took in a deep breath and shook her head.
Bronze glanced away. “I know bro can be a bit… unique.” Understatement of the century. “But you know how good he is with her. She’ll be fine.”
“It’s not him I’m worried about,” a hiss came from her lips as her eyes started to fog. She turned, staring straight at him.
Bronze’s brow narrowed as he placed his hooves on her shoulders, turning her slightly. “Honey, we talked about this. You know how important this is.”
Her eyes glanced away as she bit her lip. “And that’s supposed to make this easier?”
Bronze drew Sunshine close and put his hooves around her, Sunshine mimicking him. “I’ll be okay.” He pulled away slightly, facing her and smiling. “Hey, you know I’m not leaving you anytime soon, right?”
Sunshine smiled and looked down. “You’d better not.” She looked up. “Because she needs you.” Her warm hoof found his way to his face, gently touching it. “Just like I do.”
***
Hey, guys. Hope you all enjoyed the review. Want to see more reviews? Then check out the links below to see some of the other stories I've reviewed? I'm sure you'll enjoy them as much as others.
Also, want to give me the 'Critique' treatment because I pissed you off or some other various reason? Feel free to check out my works and give them the beating they deserve.
But in all seriousness, I'll be the first to agree with pretty much everything you've said. I'll admit that it's no masterpiece, but it's mine and I love it. Plus, I think I've gotten a bit better since then. At least I hope I have
Anyway, thank you for the review and for not holding anything back. I appreciate the criticism
Foreshadowing?
Read this during my lunch break, so I'll keep the response brief.
This story does have a lot of potential, it's just squandered by poor execution. A little bit of expanding, explaining, and maybe less formulaic methods of going about things, and it could be pretty entertaining.
3121380 I appreciate that and I'll try to keep that in mind in the future
3120405 I'm glad you took the time to read and comment on my review. I apologize if I seemed harsh and rude. That's never my intention. My intention is always for the author and maybe a few readers of these reviews to see what they can do better (at least what I think can be improved.) I'm glad you are taking the criticism well.
Take pride in your work. Yes, it has problems. What story doesn't? But you worked hard on it, and you've learned so much from writing it. Never be ashamed of a story you worked hard on. Especially when you are so passionate about it. I'd love to see more your work in the future, because I would love to see you improve. I would love to see your progress and I would certainly love to hear more from you.
Until then, my friend, take care.
3120482
3121380 Agreed. A lot of things in this story could have worked if a little more polish had be brought to it.
Another amazing review! I keep coming back and keep laughing at all of them, can't wait for the next one!
3133992 I'm glad to hear that!