(Rank or Title)Name: Eclipse

Creator: Typervader

Favorite Beverage: Water or Carbonated drinks

Age: 16

Race: Pony, unicorn

Sex: Mare

(Subculture or Order)Culture/Religion: Nomad, Diest

Appearance: Shorter than average, dark green eyes, and has a black coat with a dark red mane with a dark purple strands in it. Her cutiemark is an eclipsed blood red moon, with the rest of the moon being a purple color with a black outline.

Attire: She almost always wears a cloak, and has a necklace with a star on it.

Magic Aura: Green

Bio:

She has never felt emotion, and people hated her for that. Even Celestia was scared of her, and she was left behind by her family, with only a smarty pants doll named Nightbeam and necklace with her. She grew up on the streets and became what she is now. She practices Necromancy as she found a book that had that kind of magic. She now just wonders the world, doing what she pleases.

Personality/Conditions:

INTP/Multiple Personality Disorder

Mysterious. She’s very sarcastic, and she has no emotions. She prefers to be alone, but can handle being around others. She is also quite intelligent and a master at manipulating people to get her way. She isn’t shy, but likes to be alone.

Strengths: She is well vested in street smarts and book smarts. She is also very logical and knows most things. She is also a master manipulator and thief. A criminal.

Weaknesses: She is crazy and is quite small compared to others. She also hears 3 different voices in her head, one of which is Nightbeam.

Quirks and Habits: She always talks to her doll, Nightbeam, thinking it talks back to her. She reacts to situations around her from a logical, non-emotional point. She uses her magic in ways she shouldn’t to get her way.

Strengths: Knows more than most ponies about how to survive and doing what it takes for herself.

Weaknesses: She does not know how to handle herself in a social standing, and listens to Nightbeam way more then she should.

Nightbeam: Despite being a doll, Nightbeam is actually possessed by a demon who has become friends with Eclipse. He isn’t evil, but it's the reason she hears many voices in her head. Nightbeam uses her to do whatever he wants. He is manipulative but doesn’t have good or bad intentions.

Voices: She talks to Nightbeam, and when Nightbeam speaks, they all 3 speak, but she can only hear them. She can talk to them in her head or outloud

Darklight, one of the males, Starglow, the female, and Shadow, the last male.

Dark is more the serious and trouble maker, Starglow is the one who likes to manipulate others, and Shadow is the reasonable one.

“You cross paths with us, you better hope you aren’t a threat. Move out of my way and leave us alone.” Eclipse to passers

Hmm. I can see how this OC can be unappealing to the person that gave her/them a dislike. The charecter seems over competent with their/her skill/knowledge and renown at such a young age (unless of course, the other personalities are body jumpers that Celestia and Luna know of and see inside of Eclipse) The capacity for dramatic storytelling Eclipse has is equal for their/her capacity to create a cringe-worthy experience by being a bit heavy handed with the darkpunk stuff, especially if little information is given due to her/their reasons for acting in such a way. I'm not averse to the concept you've written out here, just skeptical.

I'm unsure of what to say. The potential is there, but it's hard to tell if she/they can be written effectively. I need to see them/her in application to render a fair judgement.

5405466 Ok, I will clear some things up, since I do think her character is quite hard to understand at first. She is good with Magic and her knowledge yes, but that doesn't save her in most situation. Because of her age, her magic doesn't last near as long as someone like Twilight, thus she can only use spells for so long. The voices aren't body jumpers, but the doll she holds is a possessed demon. And, if you want a good thing to see how she works, I have a story for you: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/334035/equestrias-rebellion-of-heroes. And if you want to see something written by someone else, even if she doesn't show up much in them: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/341219/calibers-party, https://www.fimfiction.net/story/330811/oc-caf.

I did try really hard to not make her overpowered and a mary sue, and I thought I did well. However, I am open to feedback to improve her in any way.

(Also, you can her to make things easier)

5405083
This character sticks to a lot of the usual stereotypes that drive people to look down on OCs. The black, red, and purple color scheme; the goth name, cutie mark, and wardrobe; the lack of emotion or empathy and the inclusion of a "cool" mental disorder (which doesn't seem to apply if her personalities are actually a demon); the whole Wandering Loner situation and lack of social skills; and perhaps worst, her unearned and unwarranted place as a master manipulator, crime lord, and impressive necromancer that in her youth even scared Princess Celestia... I think you'd find more success if you looked away from movies and TV and wish-fulfillment stories, and looked into yourself, you know?

And here is the downfall of many OCs:

knows most things...

knows more than most ponies...

Age: 16

I'm sure we all felt that way at sixteen. It's off-putting, to be honest. No matter what kind of savant a character is, nopony is a master at that many things by sixteen; the only time somepony can be called a master of anything by that age is in an anime series, where nothing matters except wish fulfillment and power creep disguised as character growth. Eclipse feels less like a character and more like a tool.

Eclipse might interest you -- the designer -- but I can't see her having a wide reader base if that's what you're after. Instead of thinking about what would be cool, why not think about what would make Eclipse an interesting and worthwhile character for others to read about?

I did try really hard to not make her overpowered and a mary sue, and I thought I did well. However, I am open to feedback to improve her in any way.

If your character has a habit of being the best and getting her way against all odds, even if through manipulation and dark magic and Reading A Lot, then she's probably a Mary Sue.

5406293 Maybe to clear some things up more, perhaps I should explain where I came up with her, as I never even came to think of any of those things when I did, never was the plan.
In a way, shes supposed to be cliche, just found that to be funny.

Her name I made up in 2 secs, didn't even know thats a goth name. The colors I just chose casue I like the colors. And I did look into myself when I made her, as those are things I like and how I would like to see things.

I'm sure we all felt that way at sixteen. It's off-putting, to be honest. No matter what kind of savant a character is, nopony is a master at that many things by sixteen; the only time somepony can be called a master of anything by that age is in an anime series, where nothing matters except wish fulfillment and power creep disguised as character growth. Eclipse feels less like a character and more like a tool.

She isn't a master of anything, even if it seems that way. Her magic is still weaker, her knowledge mostly comes from her doll, and she only learned things because she put in work to learn those things.

Shes supposed to be like a tool in a way. Because of how she acts, most ponies don't see her a person, but a thing.

Eclipse might interest you -- the designer -- but I can't see her having a wide reader base if that's what you're after. Instead of thinking about what would be cool, why not think about what would make Eclipse an interesting and worthwhile character for others to read about?

I honestly thought she was interesting, how about you tell me a few things that I could do to fix her then. Most people who wanted to use her seemed fine with her.

If your character has a habit of being the best and getting her way against all odds, even if through manipulation and dark magic and Reading A Lot, then she's probably a Mary Sue.

She doesn't win most of the time, hell, she loses quite a bit. So thats fine.

5406302

how about you tell me a few things that I could do to fix her then.

For one thing, you should decide whether she actually has DID or not. As it stands, it sounds like you just want her to be cool, and deep, and I of respect or pity without proving why. As someone with IRL friends who actually have DID or are plural, I call that a serious faux pas.

For another, goth is fine but you will have to prove that she stands out from the crowd else she'll be lumped in with them no matter what.

For the rest, though? Since I don't care for this style of character, I am probably not the one you should be asking.

Oh, and one last.

She doesn't win most of the time, hell, she loses quite a bit. So thats fine.

I hear that argument a lot but I don't understand it.

5406478 Not sure what there is to prove, she has reasons for the way she acts. She stands out by being so strange and different from other ponies. Everyone else seems fine with her character, so not sure what to tell you.