Fluttershy has found a new kind of creature in the forest. After tending to its wound, she brings it home with her and decides to keep it as her own. She soon realizes that this creature is more than just an animal and soon finds a way to communicate with it since neither of them speak the same language.
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moooar :D i like it
This is very well written
I demand MOAR
You have a solid story here, but the flow is a little clunky and your descriptions are a bit lacking. Keep it up and you're sure to improve, though!
this is very good, please continue
I love it, and seeing that this is tagged with romance I'm curious how their relationship work with the language situation and all. Have a fave!
I look forward to seeing how this plays out.
As someone said, it's a bit clunky. And mind you tenses. If everything is in past tense don't suddenly throw in "Fluttershy thinks", instead say "Fluttershy thought". Otherwise it's jarring. (I think that was somewhere near the beginning)
Also, don't be afraid to combine some of your sentences. It's fairly choppy with as many short sentences as you have. Re-read it and you should be able to tell where the flow is a bit 'off'.
I'm liking the idea, Fluttershy is kind of dense to think it was just another animal though; it was wearing clothes after all.
i.imgur.com/tXjgL.gif
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Not to mention that it seemed to realize that she was trying to help it, and made efforts to make doing so easier. (Moving the clothes out of the way of the wound.)
Wish I knew what gender they are, so I don't have to just call it an it. Also, I think this may be a child. Fluttershy made no mention of height, and also managed to get the human to ride her. Humans are much taller than ponies, even in those fics that make the ponies the size of regular ponies.
Seems interesting enough, this fic i shall keep my small beady Eyes on!
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I didn't expect this to go by so well
Thanks all of you
2805385
She may seem dense but keep in mind that people sometimes dress their pets as well. Clothes alone really isn't enough to determine that it isn't just another animal. It could have simply have just ran from its owner (though this isn't really the case).
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This is the first time I have done something like this. I've written things before but I'm fairly new in story writing. Seeing as this is doing well I'll grab a few friends to proof read to catch some of these issues before publishing more.
doublewbrothers.deviantart.com/art/Be-stared-374362663
Great start, I can tell already this is going to be an excellent story
I'm intrigued. I'll keep an eye on this.
Wonderful first chapter! I can't wait for more
finally someone made a story about Fluttershy thinking a human is just another animal!
2805704
Thats been done more then a few times.
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...I mean she isn't shy to a human
Oh wow, I've had an idea like this for quite a while. No one seems to touch on the fact that if someone were to accidentally wind up there, they probably won't just magically end up in an English- or any Earth-born language for that matter -speaking Equestria... Glad to see that you're writing this!
Should be a capital letter...
Missing a word there, and "ed".
...Besides that, I didn't notice any mistakes, though I'm not the best at noticing that sort of thing.
Now, the story itself seems good so far, I'm interested to see how this turns out!
I like, bring on the next one, pardner!
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/151/9/3/applejack_clopplauding_by_mihaaaa-d3hohmg.gif
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Grammatically speaking, there's also run-on sentence and fragments within this fic, but it's not detrimental to the message. The paragraphs are self-contained and I think it's reasonably comprehensible.
This was rather amazing. I look forward to more.
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Got those fixed. Thanks for catching them. I must have been reading it the correct way when I was going through it.
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I write with the intent of using no pronouns since the gender isn't known yet but a pesky one made it through anyways. Fixed now though.
I derped out there
More please!
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Yeah seen it a few times before.
I am intrigued. Let's continue!
is good. you go, i follow. yes following.
this is really interesting.
you have my interest. i need more to gain my attention. fav for now
This has potential... I shall delay any real judgement until the story has progressed more. Definitely shows potential though.
2806761
We are one and the same, my recently-met friend. I hold the same opinion as you here.
So the human is either a barbarian, a child or scared out of their mind, at least those are my guess's. Anyway MOAR!
Quite good. I'm honestly hoping at this point that the human is just a young child instead of your typical neckbearded 20-something-year-old HiE character, and the descriptions may have left me a bit confused in that regard. Of course, but I can't pretend to know what you have in store. Please continue with all haste.
Hm! Not bad! I'll keep track of this :D
Please good sir or madam, may I have another chapter?
"She could easily catch up to it and hold it down" - it's cute that fluttershy thinks she can do that. naive but cute
"Saving its life" - implying human would not beat the ever-loving shit out of a timberwolf
Fluttershy stopped. “Is something wrong?” She looked behind her to see the creature shivering on her back. It was getting colder outside and must have been too cold for it. She pulled its hands with her mouth and put them around her neck. The creature repositioned itself to lie on her back. Its head was right next to hers.
i don't wanna rip on you (the story will most likely be good) but i just wanna say some things on this. 1) how the hell does she pull his arms around her neck? she couldn't have used her hooves, maybe if she used her mouth or wings but still. 2) how big is a pony suppose to be in this story? you gonna make them huge or are you sticking to a smaller size?
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/533/757/4d4.png
Not bad, but needs serious grammatical help.
Revised:
For example. Let me know if you want a hand.
ΔΓ
More pretty pretty -pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty please?pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/136936519621.jpg
This story has promise, I shall watch it to see if it lives up to it.
A lot of people are confused about the description of the creature. I will update that part of it to make it not as hard to tell what it is which may give some insight to how old it is.
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Thanks for the help. I'm quite new to this. If you happen to have any other suggestions, let me know.
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That chart will come in handy later. Thanks for sharing that.
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Its one of the three, that's for sure
>After tending to it's wound
its
2807449 oh wow, i need to stop commenting and drinking at the same time. sorry if you find any/all of what i said offensive or otherwise disheartening. you have a good idea hear and seem to have the writing talent to make this into something awesome. im glad i at least did something that was useful so consider it my apology gift for the rant
So I'm a little confused is it speaking in sentences, a few scattered words, or just grunts and moans?
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SHOW ME THIS.
I like this
mainly couse I like HiE fic
2807941
That would involve looking back at the freak tons of Fic's I have read no thanks.
sorry!
Thus far you've got yourself a decent HiE fic, which is pretty uncommon, to say the least. Keep it up, because I'm favoriting this shit.