Alert, contains diapers, regression, and all the related stuff. You have been warned. If you are not into this, please leave now.
Does not contain clop or gore.
Ponies who visit a reclusive white pegasus pony always seem to go missing.
DustStorm and his investigative partner, FlashRain are sent to investigate. Little do they know what they are getting into.
The ponies who go missing are put into a competetive game. The losers are slowly regressed back to foalhood.
Please note that this story is unrelated to any other stories. It follows a story arc is is if the other stories never happened.
Also, check out my other story, DustStorm's Treatment, if you're interested.
Constructive feedback is highly appreciated!
Chapters (13)
Strong start. Nice grammar and language.
This is building up to be a really interesting story!
*Waits patiently for the next chapter*
3878890
I should be able to get in a few chapters a week, if I'm not too busy, 1-2 chapters a day.
Hmm, not bad, but Corona seems to have a little too much muscle, money and magic for me to buy into it, the writing is a little wonky and has a fair bit of redundancy, and some parts feel just plain lazy. The names like "DustStorm" not having a space between "Dust" and "Storm" are similarly nonsensical. I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that doing such a thing was a good idea. Also, I don't have to have read The Hunger Games to see where this is drawing inspiration from. Still, for the sake of my fetish and the low standards it bring, I'll be keeping an eye on the story.
Burnt tongue sucks. Ruins tastes for a week.
3879777
My style of naming ponies is almost always one-worded, but I can understand where you're coming from. It's just part of my style of writing. My... signature, if you will.
This isn't really related to Hunger Games at all, in my opinion, I don't really see why it's related to it. Just because it's a competition does not mean that it's Hunger Games.
I suppose Corona is a bit overpowered, but it's a bit too late to go back now. Plus, if the ponies escaped early, that would be boring, would it not? Or maybe, they won't escape. We'll see what's to come. ;)
Lastly, could you clarify on "redundant" and "lazy"? I need to know what parts they are, so I can improve on my later writing.
Thanks for the feedback
I like this Story so far and I hope to see more of it.
Thoroughly enjoying this!
Also sorry for the burn tongue .
Wow, you're on a roll with these chapters!
3883408
It comes with not having a life. Gives me more free time than others. And plus, it's the start of the semester, so there's not too much to do. I just have 5 more papers to write, and a few hundred pages to read. All can be done in less than a day.
3883422
"I just have 5 more papers to write, and a few hundred pages to read."
Oh how fun college is going to be
3883430
English comes very naturally to me. I can write papers quickly and well. I can also read and comprehend what I read very fast.
It's why I'm majoring in English. Sadly, no fictional writing classes are on my roster just yet. No classes that involve writing other than analysis essays are on my schedule, but I plan to put a few on.
3880221
That's not a signature, that's an out-and-out mistake. It serves absolutely no purpose, like the appendix in your lower intestine.
The problem is not her having all the funds to create such an elaborate labyrinth, it's the complete and utter lack of reasons for why she'd be able to construct it and have enough left over to hire some lackeys in the first place. The lack of explanations ties into my "laziness" accusation.
Redundancy:
We know he's looking at the window, and we know there's only one door, so re-stating it several times is redundant. This bogs down the story flow.
Lazy is parts like where Corona is giving the introductory speech and not a single character says anything. Just in the latest chapter we see one who obviously has a fiery temper, so why is he all meek at first? You don't hold sixteen adults against their will and not get a single word back when you tell them you're going to forcibly turn them into babies if they don't win your nutty games. That's just one example of many, but it's the most notable to me.
Also, you don't punctuate your dialogue properly. Here's a guide for you to use: Link
3884494
Once again, I don't agree with the names. It is not a mistake. I became a brony around season 2, and when examining the MLP merchandise, around that time, a lot of ponies with names that were two words had those two words put together as one. Thus, I started to name ponies in that style. It's like AppleBloom, originally, her name was that single word, but they seperated it into two around the beginning of Season 3. The way you word your feedback on this makes you seem a bit angry about it. There's no reason to get angry about my naming style for ponies, quite honestly.
"That's not a signature, that's an out-and-out mistake. It serves absolutely no purpose, like the appendix in your lower intestine."
That's more than angry, your comment on that is just plain rude.
Focusing on: "It serves absolutely no purpose"
Signatures don't have a purpose...
"The problem is not her having all the funds to create such an elaborate labyrinth, it's the complete and utter lack of reasons for why she'd be able to construct it and have enough left over to hire some lackeys in the first place. The lack of explanations ties into my "laziness" accusation."
And for the sake of my favorite game, Dangan Ronpa...
static.tumblr.com/140e49e76fcf8506c92c7e50ff73e7a7/k8w33qm/V9bmqk50c/tumblr_static_photo__77_.png
YOU'VE GOT THAT WRONG! *BREAK*
She explained why she's doing what she did, the 'lackeys' are just because for what is revealed so far, she has no combat power, meaning that she wouldn't be able to enforce control. I mean, she has a massive mansion and a family crest. It's clear that she has massive amounts of wealth, and holds a higher spot in society.
"Lazy is parts like where Corona is giving the introductory speech and not a single character says anything."
If you were kidnapped by a madpony, would your first response be to lash out? No, I'm pretty sure most of the ponies there were in shock by what she said she was going to do.
However, the redundancy is noted now that you point it out. I'll try to improve on that when I write. That part of the feedback was very useful. Thanks.
Eeeyup while there's SOME diapering stories that sound rediculously stupid some sound like they have potential to be funny and this one sounded kinda badass in the description. You may even consider making them (the detectives) in another adventure with a murderer. That would make for a cool story! But one step at a time.
3890857
After I finish this one, I plan to make a non-diaper story that explores how FlashRain and DustStorm met. A prologue of sorts, if you will.
I'm glad you were able to get your story finished, I saw a lot of improvement in your writing as it went. A solid age regression story that I enjoyed a lot. Good luck on your future stories!
3900489
Thank you! I am always motivated by support and feedback from my readers.
The very end of this alternate ending is too abrupt, there should be more consideration involved with that decision.
3901236
I know, that's why I made it an alternate ending. It was a ending I wasn't really satisfied with, but I posted it for fun, anyway.
As for your other comment, it was an oversight. As I cut a few chunks off the end, I accidentally cut off the section that explains that. The chapter has been fixed. Thank you.
3901461 Glad to help!
To be honest it know you made an alternate ending and it's your story but I don't think a special investigation agent would be that forgiving to a kidnapper (tho I totally get the no disrupting the family thing) but as I said would a secret agent type investigator be that forgiving for someone taking his best friend?
3903087
All FlashRain wanted was DustStorm to be happy. That's why he didn't mind. He knew Corona was a good pony, with pure intentions. Yes, it's not professional, and goes completely against his job, but he cares more for his friends than professionality. Seeing Dust happy was more than enough reason for him to leave Dust as he was.
Meekoli enjoyed this story
Hey Asian........ Derp Derp Derp Derp..... I have a dumb idea..... And I'm probably going to go thru with it..... Damn and flashrain...... Dawn somehow gets memories back... While under flashrains care..... I dunno... But that enticed me at the end...
Dawn padded: "I dun wanna tawk about it"
That seems almost as cute as cuddles art
And it makes me want to write about it....
Tehehehehe I know I'm not the only one who enjoyed that.... Now to read the first couple chapters....
They don't have weather ponies in Canterlot. It's done with magic.
3938279
It means that he monitors the weather to make sure things don't get out of control. :P
Should have clarified, sorry.
3903130 the tripledeckersandvich is satisfied with that answer. You should make an alternate ending where she gets arrested though. Meh just an idea
3942304
I have about 4 alternate endings, only one alternate was published (Hence it was called 'Alternate Ending 1', not just 'Alternate Ending'). I left the others unpublished for multiple reasons, from being something ridiculous I wrote when I was tired and bored, to something that I didn't feel was quality enough to be published.
Corona being arrested was not one of them, and I had never planned for it to be. I can understand where you're coming from, but Corona is not a bad pony, which is why I would not have her arrested.
In my opinion, stealing ponies and regressing them against their will and re-raising them as your own children because your husband and children died is like killing them and using their soul to make your self fell better about your loss. And being an adult isn't all that bad either. But it's your story and I liked it for the most part.
Truly she's hurting those ponies mothers fathers brothers sisters.
3957891
It's implied that all these ponies had nasty past lives.
Meaning their family is filled with hate... or, well... dead.
That's just my interpretation of my own writing, though :)
You're entitled to your own judgement.
3942396 meh ok I can live with that. Broke my toe by dropping a 20 pound dumbbell on it XD
4005725
Well why in Equestria would you do that?
4006615 long story
This was relly good dusty
4444171
I'll be reading the sequel later on. But, how's Corona gonna keep Dust for so long? The head agent over Dust and Flash will probably be wanting answers as to what happened to Dust after finding out that Flash is regressed.
> That was covered in the final chapter... or the sequel...? Man, I don't even remember my old writing.
Well, IF flash can keep his mind from the mental regression. But, since Flash and Dust were last seen at Corona's mansion, that's where the agency will be sending a group of soldiers.
> Well, Flash reported the lead was wrong, to try and divert suspicion. As they were elite, his word was taken at face value.
And...I didn't feel much for Flash. The least seen of the two agents. He feels more like a supporting character than a main one.
> He's meant to be a supporting character in this one. He would have played a larger part in their SIU Origin story, but that story got cancelled.
Love ya, Maroon. Thanks for the criticism.
Hello. :) I recently discovered your Foal Games story and its sequel, and I must say, I rather enjoyed both of them. Just out of curiosity, do you have any plans to continue the sequel at some point in the future? I know it's listed as "on hiatus", but I'd just hate to see it languish about indefinitely, plus I'm curious as to what the memories he's experiencing are.
Quite surprised to see this story had so little attention, though perhaps the subject material had something to do with it. Still, that did not make it any less deserving in my mind, and I wanted to record my impressions now that I've read the charming little tale. I very much enjoyed the story, enough to overlook whatever minor objections I would otherwise have. The writing was excellent, although the spacing of paragraphs seemed to falter at various points, which could make it a little confusing. Those are very minor objections however, and were never sufficiently annoying to make the story hard to enjoy.
Overall a shame that more people haven't had the chance to enjoy it. I know I did.
4515409
I sure am planning on working on it. I just need time to sort out my current situation.
4520537
I'm really sorry; I posted that before I knew about your current situation. :( As I said on my later comment on your bio page, best of luck to you! ^_^