I'm just going to come out an say this there is a ton of errors and mistakes that need to be fixed. Not saying that this fic is bad or anything just need editing an a lot of it. Dialogue gets its own line, there needs to be commas in some places that are missing it. Like "TWILIGHT RARITY" needs to be "Twilight, Rarity". Also even in dialogue there needs to be capitals and other such things. Please find someone who can beta read your next chapter and go back and edit your first.
Sounds interesting, Ima fave and follow. now, Off to reading land!
EDIT: Great so far, but you have some run-on sentences. There are also some spots where punctuation is in the wrong spot (before a word meant for the sentence that just ended).
I would quote them, but with my Vita, it'd take way too long.
4354476 i have a editor and i will say that if i had tried to edit this it would look awful iv spoken to my editor about the problems in this chapter and they said they will do a better job on the next one if not (and sorry herpaderp115 if you read this ) i will have to find a someone else
No prob. My problem is, I rush things and accidentally add inconsistencies into my fics. I'm new to writing as well, and imo, am horrible at it (for now.)
4354693 i love to write i can make a story up rather quickly but i never was the best at editing them by the way have you wrote any fic's if so i would love to read them
"not permitted to leave this world until all the dark souls that reside there are eliminated" I have a Chakan The Forever Man deja vu, hope it doesn't end like that.
4354717 Dude, I'm beggin' you; get an editor (or three). This story seems like it'd be legit, but the sheer amount of grammatical errors is making this hard to read beyond the first five lines.
One sentence. That's all it took to make my Editing-sense start screaming at me... and by the end of the chapter, it was a writhing mess having a seizure on the floor.
I don't mean to be insulting, it's just that I edit a fair number of fanfics; and thus such errors irk me more than most readers... but gods damn...
I don't see a lot of people mentioning it so I'll say this. You're main point of improvement needs to be your use of commas. They are either missing or in the wrong places. One of the things that helped me learn to use commas was to first put a comma whenever I hesitate when reading. Because when the sentence's thought changes slightly, it needs a comma. Like in the previous sentence <--. When listing more than two things, put a comma between each and put a comma at the end before an "and" or an "or.
Lists:
One and two and three One or two or three One, two, and three One, two, or three
You get the idea.
Also, start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. Use proper capitalization, and when continuing a sentence through a "said" part, use a comma.
For example: "I know what to do," he said, "I just need to press this big, red button."
Oh, and the word after a sentence-ending punctuation mark like a period but inside quotation marks is still capitalized and treated as a new sentence.
Like: "I know what to do," he said, "I just need to press this big, red button." Which he proceeded to do.
For future reference, do not put "and" in big numbers. Something like "one hundred and twenty" is wrong. It would be "one hundred twenty". The word "and" is used in numbers when going into decimals or fractions like "one hundred twenty and nine tenths". That means 120 and 9/10. Otherwise it'd read "one hundred and twenty nine tenths", 100 and 29/10. You get the idea.
I'm just going to come out an say this there is a ton of errors and mistakes that need to be fixed. Not saying that this fic is bad or anything just need editing an a lot of it. Dialogue gets its own line, there needs to be commas in some places that are missing it. Like "TWILIGHT RARITY" needs to be "Twilight, Rarity". Also even in dialogue there needs to be capitals and other such things. Please find someone who can beta read your next chapter and go back and edit your first.
4329895 thanks for your input i will have a talk with my editor about this thank you for bringing this to my attention
4329940 Not a problem, besides every author, no matter how amaze-balls they are has room to improve.
Don't worry... I'm on it!
Also I'm glad to see your story is doing good!
4333161
MOAAAR!!!!
The story is great, but the dialogue might need some help in certain areas.
Sounds interesting, Ima fave and follow. now, Off to reading land!
EDIT: Great so far, but you have some run-on sentences. There are also some spots where punctuation is in the wrong spot (before a word meant for the sentence that just ended).
I would quote them, but with my Vita, it'd take way too long.
4344328 Thanks for the like and fav and as for the editing problems we are currently working on that
4350415
Okay, and I don't mind the errors, it's just I spot them easily, being OCD towards these things
4350727 I'm new to writing so sorry about the inconvenience
You need an editor.
May I recommend sensei Key Ring?
4350747
Nah, it's all good. Youre doing better than me when it comes to writing.
4354476 i have a editor and i will say that if i had tried to edit this it would look awful iv spoken to my editor about the problems in this chapter and they said they will do a better job on the next one if not (and sorry herpaderp115 if you read this ) i will have to find a someone else
4354486 Thanks
4354661
No prob. My problem is, I rush things and accidentally add inconsistencies into my fics. I'm new to writing as well, and imo, am horrible at it (for now.)
4354693 i love to write i can make a story up rather quickly but i never was the best at editing them by the way have you wrote any fic's if so i would love to read them
4354717
Ive got two posted, but they're on haitus until I get over writer's block. Also, I need to graduate.
"not permitted to leave this world until all the dark souls that reside there are eliminated" I have a Chakan The Forever Man deja vu, hope it doesn't end like that.
4354717
Dude, I'm beggin' you; get an editor (or three). This story seems like it'd be legit, but the sheer amount of grammatical errors is making this hard to read beyond the first five lines.
One sentence. That's all it took to make my Editing-sense start screaming at me... and by the end of the chapter, it was a writhing mess having a seizure on the floor.
I don't mean to be insulting, it's just that I edit a fair number of fanfics; and thus such errors irk me more than most readers... but gods damn...
I woulda thought Death was more... Emotionless and monotone... I mean it's death. Death is quiet and without judgement no one is exempt from it.
I don't see a lot of people mentioning it so I'll say this. You're main point of improvement needs to be your use of commas. They are either missing or in the wrong places. One of the things that helped me learn to use commas was to first put a comma whenever I hesitate when reading. Because when the sentence's thought changes slightly, it needs a comma. Like in the previous sentence <--. When listing more than two things, put a comma between each and put a comma at the end before an "and" or an "or.
Lists:
One and two and three
One or two or three
One, two, and three
One, two, or three
You get the idea.
Also, start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. Use proper capitalization, and when continuing a sentence through a "said" part, use a comma.
For example: "I know what to do," he said, "I just need to press this big, red button."
Oh, and the word after a sentence-ending punctuation mark like a period but inside quotation marks is still capitalized and treated as a new sentence.
Like: "I know what to do," he said, "I just need to press this big, red button." Which he proceeded to do.
For future reference, do not put "and" in big numbers. Something like "one hundred and twenty" is wrong. It would be "one hundred twenty". The word "and" is used in numbers when going into decimals or fractions like "one hundred twenty and nine tenths". That means 120 and 9/10. Otherwise it'd read "one hundred and twenty nine tenths", 100 and 29/10. You get the idea.