“Dr. Lethe, all of the females in my life are troublesome for me,” Noctilucent proposed, opening the near daily dialogue between him and Dr. Lethe. “All of them. Even my two little filly foals. Even you. I can’t seem to catch a break.”
“Are you blaming females for your troubles or are you simply troubled by females Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe inquired, scribbling something on a notepad as she did so, holding a silver pen in her grasping digit, pinching it against her central knuckle.
“I am troubled by the females in my life,” Noctilucent clarified.
“Would you care to expand on those thoughts Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe invited. “What troubles you?”
“Dr. Lethe, before I begin, I guess I should confess, is it wrong that sometimes I want to be female? Sometimes I want to be female so I could be the kind supporting female sort that I’ve always wanted to look after me. Sometimes, sometimes more than anything I wish I had a pair of teats so I could be a good mother for Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus. And lately, with the female presences in my life being what they are, this feeling has been really strong. I’ve felt this way since I was a young colt and started becoming sexually curious. My grandmother made me so ashamed of what I was. From an early age I thought that if I was just a female, my troubles with rejection would go away and ponies would want me because females were desirable and males were just… wrong somehow,” Noctilucent stated.
Dr. Lethe raised an eyebrow. More and more she was becoming aware of these moments, curious moments where Noctilucent had a dramatic personality shift, becoming childlike or feminine. No sign of strong aggression though, which was puzzling. Even now, Noctilucent’s mannerisms were strongly feminine, his posture, his attentiveness of the two foals on his bed, all very feminine.
“Noctilucent my dear, there is nothing wrong with your desire to nurture and care, no matter how it might manifest. Ponies do sometimes transition their genders… but something tells me that isn’t what you really want, am I correct?”
“I don’t know what I want. I feel so very confused sometimes. I think if I were female, I would like it a great deal if stallions were attracted to me. I think it would be easier for me to find acceptance if I were female. I could be the sort of mare that I have always wanted in my life.”
“You had a troubling upbringing, and you continue to have troubles with the feminine influences in your life.”
“I am a little upset with Princess Luna. She… I… when I was in that room and after everything that was said, I felt like she had betrayed me. She talks of love and support but when I needed her, she patronised me.”
“Do you really believe that Noctilucent?”
“She did nothing to comfort me on the way home. She just sat in the chariot, saying nothing, looking at me like I was some sad lump, and I really hated her for doing that. She treated me like I was some kind of foal in the hospital and when I dared to make the suggestion that the doctor might be wrong, she patronised me and then gave me the silent treatment and I think I hate her just a little bit for doing that. Why would she do that Dr. Lethe?”
“I am not sure she did that Noctilucent.”
“And now you’re doing it! Just like she did!”
Dr. Lethe did not reply. She remained silent, refusing to be baited, hoping the situation would calm. She peered at Noctilucent and extended her shadow influence, trying to encourage a state of lucid near drowsiness that her unique shadow gifts allowed to her bring about in her patients. Noctilucent seemed to grow more and more resistant to her influence, and that troubled her. Nopony had ever had any kind of resistance to her before. When exposed to her shadow influence, ponies tended to bare their souls and speak of their most troubled thoughts, being in a near dreamlike state while awake. Dr. Lethe was unique among lunar pegasi. While all lunar pegasi were able to manipulate shadows to some extent, Dr. Lethe was able to manipulate the shadow within a pony, the dark and secret places. Her gift was as useful as it was metaphorical.
“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to be angry. Look, can we just change the subject Dr. Lethe?”
“What did you want to talk about Noctilucent?”
“I don’t know what to do with Quirky. She confuses me. I think I love her, but I don’t know how to deal with her. She scares me. Last night, I told her my secret, and she went off and nearly burned me alive, and this morning I woke up with her in my bed and she was begging me to, uh, do things with her and crying.”
“Quirky is a troubled sort. I am guessing she wanted to have sex with you?”
“Yeah. She cried and begged me for it, and I don’t know how to deal with her. I didn’t do anything to her other than hold her. How do you deal with a flaming unicorn?”
“The same way porcupines make love Noctilucent. Very carefully.”
Noctilucent laughed, unable to hold himself back. He chuckled for several minutes, unable to contain himself.
“You and Quirky could be very good for one another, or you could have a very toxic relationship. You are both fragile and injured.”
“I want to be good for Quirky. I gave Pyrocumulus her name because I have hopes of Quirky and I being together. I want to help her. I have plans. Would it be alright if Quirky were to join our sessions? I mean if she agreed to it?”
“I would have no problem with that,” Dr. Lethe agreed.
“I must confess, I really wanted to take advantage of her when she threw herself at me. I feel weak and ashamed at the same time. I hate myself for wanting to give in and just take her. I wanted to dominate her for trying to burn me the night before. Now that I’ve thought about it, I have sorta managed to scare myself. I don’t like feeling this way. I wanted to make her cry and scare her like she scared me. I felt savage. After calming down and thinking about it, I had some of my thoughts about wanting to be a female again. To not be male. I don’t want to actually hurt Quirky and I feel betrayed by my own brain. If we were both female, we could just be friends without all these sexual tensions being in the way. I think.”
“You don’t trust your masculinity?”
“Well, no… I don’t. I guess I don’t. I wanted to hear her cry while I tore her apart! How could I trust myself after thinking that Dr. Lethe?”
“Having these thoughts and acting upon them are two very different things my dear. To some degree, we all have these sorts of thoughts. They are a part of our being. Sex is just as much about domination and power as it is about making new foals. Would you like for me to be blunt with my advice?”
“Sure, why not. What is the worst that could happen?”
“Have hot sweaty sex with Quirky.”
“WHAT?”
Dr. Lethe raised her hoof and allowed Noctilucent to breathe for a few moments. She waited until he had calmed a little bit before continuing. “When the time is right, and you are both in a secure place within your relationship, spend the night together. Open yourself to her. Give freely of yourself. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. I think if you give yourself a chance, you will find that you can trust your masculinity. Your feelings towards her will change. I believe that you will become very protective of her, and hurting her will be the furthest thing from your mind. Answer me honestly, have you ever once wanted to hurt one of these foals? Even when they are being especially trying?”
“Well, no. I couldn’t imagine hurting them,” Noctilucent replied, looking very thoughtful and pensive.
“You have a lot of pent up sexual aggression and need. You have spent much of your life being rejected, shamed, and diminished. What you need is a healthy outlet to develop your sexuality and grow as a pony. In short, you need to get laid.”
“You don’t think I don’t know that?” Noctilucent muttered in a low angry growl.
Dr. Lethe once again observed the behavioural and personality shift in Noctilucent. Even as she watched, the anger and sudden ferocity melted away, and he became more of himself again.
“I want to see Quirky pregnant,” Noctilucent blurted.
“I think all stallions want to see mares they feel attracted to pregnant Noctilucent. That seems to be a very healthy response.”
“I feel especially sexually attracted to Quirky when she is feeding the foals. Part of me wishes I was a foal again so I could be close to Quirky. I have all kinds of thoughts about it. I feel very conflicted actually about it all. Part of me wants to violently take her and have my way with her, and the other part of me wants her to mother me and let me suckle,” Noctilucent confessed, his white spots turning a lurid pink.
“So when you are in a comfortable position to express such thoughts with Quirky, ask her about it. It could be a very pleasurable experience for both of you, an intimate moment of bonding and many mares enjoy having their teats suckled in a sexual manner.”
“Really?”
“Yes, I think you would be surprised Noctilucent.”
“That isn’t perverted?”
“No.”
“I have a hard time believing that.”
“I assure you, many mares find teat-play to be quite pleasurable.”
“But teats are for foals.”
“They are also sexual organs that can be pleasured.”
“Does it arouse mares when foals suckle?”
“Sometimes.”
The room fell silent. Noctilucent was staring down at Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, a befuddled expression upon his face. The stallion extended his good wing and wiped beaded sweat from his brow. The notion of his foals arousing Quirky ignited a terrible fire in his mind. Noctilucent couldn’t deal with the notion, so he pushed it from his mind and tried not to think about it.
“Speaking of foals, I have a problem Dr. Lethe.”
“And that is?”
“Princess Luna promised me to never take anything I love. Well, I love Biscuit. I love Graves. I love Arroyo. I love Cactus Blossom. I love Candy Corn. I love Sassafras. I want to keep them all. I don’t know if it is possible, but I want to keep them. I want to give them a home. I want to educate myself so I can help them. I don’t want to let them go. I think I can help them. I understand their pain and I want to make it better. I don’t know what I am doing, not yet, but I want the chance. Do you think Princess Luna would let me?”
“Are you talking about wanting to run a long term therapeutic foster home for the foals?”
“Is that what it is called?”
“Yes.”
“Then yes. I have started school to work towards that end.”
“I know.”
“As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to lose them while I work towards improving myself so I can help them. I think losing them would wreck me.”
“So you have given over your entire life to try and help them?”
“They deserve better than what they have.”
“You surprise me sometimes Noctilucent. I will send word to Princess Luna and see if I can arrange a meeting.”
“So then you think I am capable of this?”
“Oh yes, I do. I intend to endorse this plan to Princess Luna. I think that it would be very good for everypony involved. And I know that the foals would be happy to have you as a caretaker.”
“I am really relieved to hear you say that actually. I had some doubts about myself. I still do. Especially after how I just revealed how much of a pervert I am. I thought you would lecture me about how awful I was and tell me I was unfit to be a caretaker because of wanting to play with Quirky’s teats and everything else I told you.”
“You don’t seem all that perverted to me Noctilucent. I’ve dealt with perverts. You are very tame and subdued in my experience.”
“And you honestly don’t think that Quirky would try to burn me alive if I was to talk to her about this at some point?”
“I think that Quirky would be very happy to hear that you desire her in that way if I were to hazard a guess.”
“Dr. Lethe?”
“Yes Noctilucent?”
“I find myself attracted to Quirky when she is on fire.”
“I am not entirely sure that is healthy Noctilucent.”
I admit that I only had a nagging feeling that I tended to ignore.
Anyway, not sure what to think about this chapter aside from my usual feedback about your psychiatric dialogue.
4524428
Ah, but there is an explanation about the dialogue. Something is at work here. And more shall yet be revealed.
Again, I am wondering if you read Jack and once more, this feels natural and right.
I do like the ending bit though
pen?
Edit: Also I laughed quite heartily at the last two lines.
I'm guessing you meant injured? I didn't see this coming but I do love these last two lines,lol
i think you meant "injured"
I am also really enjoying your story. I took a beginning psych class and we did not cover much in this we covered the id, ego, super ego and things along that nature. We did not get into the meanings and symbolism of dreams. I am looking forward to your next chapter.
you are a lean, mean writing machine person, keep it up!
4524435
Calling it. It's all a dream.
I smacked myself in the forehead while chuckling after I read this.
It's good to see now that we know Quirky and Noctilucent are both fairly damaged mentally, and I am looking forward to see how their relationship develops and grows. Hopefully, this will lead to something much more for them both.
At least, I certainly hope so.
. . . well, I didn't see it coming. Then again, my transceiver (trans* version of gaydar) has only ever worked once in my life.
and
Resonate really strongly with me since I, at one point, wished nothing more than to be a girl. I wished so much that I even started to write about being a girl (Hint hint, when I start to write about something that means it is the most dominant thing in my subconscious) and I have had a lot of trouble with feminine influences in my life. Suffice it to say, my mother was not the best mother (she was really awful, at least, until recently) and I have had trouble with people telling me what to do ever sense, which is why I break rules in the games that I play i.e. Minecraft. So yeah, the first part of the chapter really resonated with me, though the later half not so much, since I really don't do the whole "loving women" part and I prefer guys.
Also
this actually is healthy for him since he is accepting, and enjoying, that part of Quirky.
4524656
funny: I've wanted to be a girl for a good part of my life (repressed for about a decade though ), I do love women that way, and I paused playing Minecraft to read this chapter and your comment
That was interesting... Exactly how messed up is Noctilucent? I do have to wonder if those are all the same Noctilucent talking or...
No kidding. Although I guess it depends on what he really means... Is flaming Quirky pretty or?
4524797 well she's definitely hot
edit: bad pun completely and utterly intended
Is it bad that were I in his position I would totally agree? My inner pyro squee'd.
Fire can be hot (edit: really bad pun not intended)
Are you going to do a lost chapter for this as well?
Pretty please with a burning cherry on top?
Lethe is quickly climbing the ranks of favorite characters.
4524870
My inner pyro "mmmph"ed
Hudda hudda hu.
i think you meant this to be either "you think i dont know that" or "you dont think i know that" or it 3am and im failing at reading comprehension. one of those scenarios.
4524705
But it's not physically healthy
Noctilucent's desire o be a mare isn't healthy, but given his background is completely believable/ understandable and deepens his character.
It is incredibly difficult to build a relationship, from scratch, in a book that takes the pair healthily from strangers to knowing each other well enough to sensibly want to spend their lives together, so far you've done it admirably; but I don't understand why Holly, Luna and Leethe keep trying to manipulate them to rush things. The better you know the other person, the more chance things will work out when they do get in bed.
After seeing how Noctilucent handled the last chapter, I think that he's ready to be in a relationship, but I can't say the same about Quirky. When she learned Noct had tried to kill herself, her only thought was how this would have affected her, and even when she sneaked into his bed, it was more about using him for meeting her desires than anything else.
The biggest thing I see missing here is some serious Noct/ Shady Patch love. Shady's given permission to date his mom to stop making her so mopy, but that's different from Noct saying "I will be your father." Noct should take Shady Patch out on a few dates without Quirky to talk; or maybe Shady could be having trouble with bullies at school and dosen't want to tell his mom because he doesn't want her to worry or thinks she'd overreact, but trusts Noctilucent to help him.
One other thing I've been wondering. Noctilucent has pretty much asked Quirky to spend the rest of her life with him, share his foals, and hopefully bear some of their own. That sounds like a marriage proposal to me, but so far no ones mentioned anything about an actual wedding ceremony. Is a wedding on the agenda or would Noct plan to 'just start living together'? The foals would probably love a wedding; Cactus Blossom would probably try to prank the whole thing, it would be awesome.
Quite a few chapters ago Fem-noct, Shad-noct, and Foal-noct told him to reveal their existence to Luna and the others... why hasn't he done so yet? and why haven't they been reminding him to do that?
I dunno, I find myself pretty turned on when my boyfriend holds a lighter to my skin and strikes it, and my therapist had to cross his legs and clear his throat before he told me it was fine. So I dunno if it's just me being a weird girl that likes someone she trusts to light her clothes on fire, or I need a less pervy therapist. XD
4525242
Most....
Are you Quirkys sister
Hooray for fan fiction making you ask questions about yourself. So after reading other peoples comments and reading this chapter I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons why I liked this chapter so much was the questions it made me ask myself. How do I view myself? Do I wish I was the opposite gender? And if I got offered the chance to swap would I?
I'm all about the experience I love to do new things but I haven't reached the point where I search for them, Venturers provides me with enough at the moment but I've always wanted to live as another person for a week, another gender, race or just anything different. I have people thinking I'm gay, straight and one person for some reason thought I was asexual. Through the short time I've lived my life I've come to the realization that nothing I can do is truly feminine or masculine and it's just all what other people think, so I'll wear makeup or a dress, shoot a gun and drink. I'll wear pink, blue, purple, anything really. I'll do anything that wont put someone else in danger.
Hopefully this wasn't too of topic and an amusing read at the least.
Noctilucent: Quirky is hot, figuratively and literally.
4524705
True, very true...
Might I hazard that it is quite possible that Dr Lethe here was talking in the purely physical sense?
ie; Being sexually attracted to a bonfire is oftentimes not a good thing.
With all this buildup your doing ( AND DONT DENY IT )
I better see a clop chapter soon.
4525451 That's the third time that joke was made . . . this chapter.
Also, have we met?
4525476
You make a good point there.
Honestly, I didn't. I knew Quirky confused him, but him think he would make a better female? That totally came out of left field. As for Lethe's inability to use the shadows to open Noctilucent up, I have a feeling that whatever that things was that Luna had to fight inside his mind has something to do with that.
This Chapter was hilarious! I love how Dr. Lethe was being totally supportive of everything Noctilucent was talking about wanting to do and his feelings...until the end when he said he was attracted to Quirky when she's on fire. Lethe's ending line there was great for a chapter ending sentence.
Hay if you can ride on a Rapidash and not get burned than I'm sure it applies to Quirky. Magic flames that can't burn you.
4525537 There better be some hot pony action that involves sexual intercourse or my name isn't Assy McGee.
4525867 funny thing is...my last name is Mcgee
oh snappers
4525859
Oh, the flames CAN burn you. Quirky preserved Noctilucent because she loves him.
Remember, the sand all around them melted and turned into glass.
4525551 Maybe we have crossed paths before...
4525905 Yeah thats what I'm sayin' man. In Pokemon Ponyta/Rapidash's flames won't burn you if they trust you or love etc. Was just saying the same thing could apply to your story. Which seems to be true from that reply of yours.
4525901 eh hehehe
Great chapter. I like
Haven't seen a dream chapter in awhile. I look forward to those
And can someone PLEASE tell me how to pronounce "Noctilucent"? Every time I say it (outloud or mentally) I saw it differently.
Honestly I was kind of wondering when Nocti would show issues with his gender identity. Fem Nocti in his dream world was the biggest clue for me, but also his relationships with females before his attempted suicide had me considering that he might have those kinds of thoughts. Lethe is the best shrink ever though. In her professional opinion, Nocti needs to have "hot sweaty sex with Quirky." That part made me smile, because it shows that even the fictional characters are smart enough to know that Quirky and Nocti could have a wonderful relationship together. Also pregnant Quirky makes me smile and Lethe's little comment at the end had me laughing.
"Oh, you think it's sexy when your girlfriend is on fire?"
"Yeah doc... is that weird?"
"Kid... that is like weird city got beaten with the weirdy stick and had a song written about it by Weird Al titled, 'My Weird Weird Song about Weird City and the Weirdness Stick" then the song reached the top of the weird charts and had a baby with the weird stick beaten weird city that the weird song was written about... you are that baby!"
4524530 Also if this is the case... I will cry... I mean Majora's Mask was one thing, finding out that Link was dead the whole time... but this... this will make my heart die... I will never love again... Anyway to discuss that thought, I don't think it's a dream, for one you can't read in dreams, for two... um I had something for this... anyway, the story thus far has been very true to psychology as a science and I don't see our author pulling this whole thing into some convoluted deathtrap of a finish and personally my least favorite kind of ending to any story ever. Still, I could end up surprised and Kudzu could actually write it really well.
4526147
Nock-ti-loo-cent
Lethe's probably never dealt with an incarnate shadow independent of the main ego before, which makes sense. It also explains why Noctilucent can never seem to mention it to her or to Luna.
Noctilucent's mind seems to be fragmenting. At the very least, the mental divisions seem rather emphasized. Given what I suspect the excised part of his mind is, it's not a surprising development.
In any case, looking forward to more. And remember, everyone: don't stick it in the incendiary.
4526211
Always be careful of pyromantic unicorns and their exhaust ports.
Are we horrible people if we find ourselves more and more parallel with the main character ?
4526239
No.
4526217
I just hope it's not two meters wide.
4526294
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3360-1330671248679.gif
Interesting. Keep Going.
I'm actually starting to like these sessions with Doctor Lethe and Noctilucent.
4526161
Oh that "Link was dead in Majora's Mask" theory? I don't buy that. I get the stages of grief thing in regard to the different areas, but the stages of grief don't just pertain to death. It can pertain to anything, including the loss of a dear friend (Navi).
4526294 http://www.usatoday.com/media/cinematic/video/10239459/floods-wash-up-purported-space-rocket-part/