The hospital was full of ghosts. At least, that is how it appeared to Noctilucent. There were a few adults, but there were mostly foals. They were transparent, and you could see through them. They made no sound as they roamed the halls. Noctilucent realised that he recognised some of them, and many of them were dead. It was unnerving to see the dead populate his dreams. He hoped that he wouldn’t run into his grandmother.
“They can’t hurt you.”
Noctilucent turned to look at his feminine self.
“You are beginning to remember, instead of shutting them out and repressing them. Look around you Noctilucent, see where you can draw your strength from. Over there is the foal that died while you were reading. The one that pushed you over. Like it or not, these are the experiences that defined you. The others in your memories, all these ghosts all around you, these are all ponies that have made you what you are in some way or another. You have opened your mind to the possibility of being hurt… but also of the possibility of being happy. You can’t have one without the other,” She Noctilucent explained.
“You are getting better,” Shadow Noctilucent said. “You are taking your weakness and using it to make you strong. The ultimate adaptation to life.”
“I guess your probably sore about me turning Quirky down,” Noctilucent said to his shadow-self guiltily.
“Why would I be sore?” Shadow Noctilucent replied, his face serious.
“I had a chance to get us laid, and I pushed her away,” Noctilucent admitted. “I know I feel pretty conflicted about it.”
“Bah, bugger that,” Shadow Noctilucent spat. “There is only one thing more important than getting laid, and that is protecting what is yours. You protected Quirky. And she is yours. You looked after your own better interests. You don’t abuse the future mother of your foals, you selfishly claim her as your own and then you guard her from all harm, including any that you might do to her you horseapple headed pegasus twit.”
“I am confused,” Noctilucent said, looking around, trying not to look any of the passing memories in the eye.
“Rutting is good. Food is good. Both of those things are good. Anything that feels good is good. And you should do those things. But there are a few things more important. Like looking after your stuff. Protecting things that are yours. Defending your territory. Being a pegasus. If you would have slipped up and slipped Quirky the bone while she was in your bed crying I would have had to kick your sorry skinny plot all over this hospital wing and thrash you to the end of your psychic endurance,” Shadow Noctilucent said.
“But you are all about sex!” Noctilucent retorted. “You try to constantly manipulate and coax She Noctilucent into sex… everything is about sex to you!”
“Except when it isn’t,” Shadow Noctilucent replied. “Sometimes it is about guarding future sex. We protect Quirky now, we bond with Quirky now, we get a life time of sex we don’t have to go looking for. It sleeps in the bed with us, ready for us at a moments notice,” Shadow Noctilucent explained, looking impossibly smug as he spoke. “It also looks after our foals, strokes our ego for being a good protector, and worships us for being so damn good and handsome as well.”
“Ugh!” Noctilucent grunted, losing his patience with himself.
“Noctilucent, really, Shadow Noctilucent is telling you what you need to hear. It isn’t always about -ahem-... sometimes, sometimes it is all about protecting what we want to -ahem- so the object of our affections will reciprocate -ahem- out of sense of obligation,” She Noctilucent explained.
“So life is about manipulation?” Noctilucent asked.
“Well, yes, mutual manipulation, the promised exchange of something in exchange for something else. It starts when we are foals. We behave because we hope for a reward of good behaviour. A good foal gets a cookie. A bad foal goes to bed without dinner. So we learn to manipulate all those around us to maximise rewards. We are in turn manipulated by those around us. Quirky will manipulate you so that you will look after her needs, and you will manipulate her to have your needs met, and both of you will be happy if the exchange is fair for both sides. You provide her with emotional security, she provides you with -ahem-, and both of you benefit from the exchange,” She Noctilucent stated, her tone patient and matronly. “Love is a sense of desire to maintain that these exchanges are fair, sometimes even accepting a little loss to your own end of the deal just to make sure your partner is happy and continues the mutually beneficial relationship.”
“I see,” Noctilucent said, looking flummoxed.
“Not yet, but you will,” She Noctilucent quipped.
“Where is Little Me?” Noctilucent asked.
“Oh, he’s around. Might be playing with some of the memories. I sense no danger, so I know he is safe,” She Noctilucent replied.
“You are doing good Noctilucent. Be the pegasus I know you can be. Protecting Quirky took strength… and you endured. Luna is protruding into our mind, probably to give you pleasant dreams. So go enjoy them. Continue to find your inner pegasus,” Shadow Noctilucent instructed.
“I’ll try,” Noctilucent promised.
In the early morning hours, with Quirky gone, and Shady Patch off at school, Lethe was almost alone. A hazy image of Luna stood near Lethe, transparent, not quite a full blown manifestation, but real enough to take care of business.
“The program continues to go well enough,” Luna reported. “We have some new arrivals. Some of the others are also showing worrying signs of a break. Reality in their minds is becoming distorted as they dream. We need to learn more. We cannot have another doppelganger running around. The current one is worrying, popping in and out of other ponies dreams and looking for a weak mind to force itself into.”
“That is worrisome,” Lethe admitted.
“How is my beloved Noctilucent?” Luna asked.
Lethe sighed. “He continues to make progress… there has been a development and we need to talk,” Lethe answered.
“What?” Luna questioned.
“Noctilucent loves every foal in that orphanage. He is unwilling to let them go. I was worried about this. He wants to keep every single one of them. Raise them. He desires something like a therapeutic foster home environment, and this is why he has started school,” explained Lethe as she began to pace.
“You were worried? This is what I had hoped for! I’ll need to talk to Holly, see what she thinks, see if she believes Noctilucent is capable of running a home, if he has the right stuff. I think he does, but Holly has so much practical experience she can share and we can figure out what Noctilucent needs to work on. Give me some time, and I will turn the orphanage into a transitional home. But for now, give Holly a message, no adoptions. We’re keeping those foals together, and we need to let them know of the change eventually. Explain to them that they are to be a family. Maybe now the little waifs can begin some real healing,” Luna said, her projection beaming broadly as she spoke.
“I will do as you ask,” Lethe replied.
“What is your opinion?” asked Luna.
“My opinion? Noctilucent is a natural caretaker, it is a deeply ingrained part of his psychological profile. But he is also a flawed individual. A deeply flawed individual. If he goes into this alone, I worry for his ability to endure. He will break again. Noctilucent is deeply dependant as a personality. He is going to require constant reinforcement of his needs if he is to continue to function. He will require a great deal of nurturing of his internal self if he is to remain strong enough to serve. He has the potential for true greatness, but his handicap is proportional to his strength,” Lethe answered.
“You speak as though you have a solution already in mind,” Luna stated.
“I do… one has presented itself,” Lethe responded.
“Quirky?” Luna asked.
“Quirky,” Lethe returned. “She very nearly burned Noctilucent to a crisp when he told her his little secret. She became a fire elemental. She scorched him a bit, but preserved him from the worst of it. The next morning she was in his bed, begging him for sex. She isn’t well either, but she has the potential to be just what Noctilucent needs if she can be nudged along the right path.”
“I see,” Luna said. “Did our innocent paladin finally get bred?”
“No, he rejected her advances and tried to comfort her instead,” Lethe replied as she paced and stretched her wings.
“See, I knew it, he has the makings of greatness… throwing his life away would have been a tragedy. He just had to be shown purpose, even if he didn’t want to look at first,” Luna said.
“He has a long way to go Luna… a very long way to go. But you are correct. And I believe that you will be proven correct over time in a broader sense… Equestria’s strongest servants are to be found in the most unlikely places, and the Suicide Solutions Program will be a great boon to equine-kind. If we want to find ponies with the great strengths we need for social change and adjusting society to a new greater good, we are going to have to look for individuals with the greatest flaws and weaknesses. And then we are going to have to help them, whether they want that help or not, coax them through the rough places, mend them, find a way to shore up their weaknesses, and then prepare them to benefit society somehow. I fear I have become a true believer in this grand plan of yours,” Lethe admitted. “I had always believed that true believers were rather dangerous, but now I have become devoted to a cause so great that I can barely comprehend the full outcome, but I would defend it with my dying breath.”
“My sister is pleased with the results. She reads Noctilucent’s progress reports with great interest and eagerly awaits for the next one to arrive. Repurposing the broken elements of society appeals to her. She had doubts about my methods at first, but she has come around, mostly due to Noctilucent and his progress. My sister wants the program to expand and is applying a lot of pressure upon me to do so,” Luna reported.
“We must expand slowly and cautiously at first. We still don’t know the long term effects of using the geas on ponies in such a fragile state. Noctilucent’s psychic split is only one of the many dangers,” Lethe warned .
“I agree, and have told my sister much the same. But she is the eternal optimist, and she wants our ponies to get better… all of them, but especially those that hurt and suffer so much that it drives them to suicide. It causes her so much pain to watch her subjects stumble and fall in such a way. I think it reminds her of how I fell… I tried asking her about it, but she started to cry and fled from me,” Luna said.
“You know, there is another opportunity being presented to us here,” Lethe hinted. “With these foals growing up in a therapeutic environment, we can turn this foster home into a school as well… Graves and Cactus Blossom both have the potential to grow up and become great psychologists. Graves has a keen analytical mind and he understands pain. Cactus Blossom has her odd new psychic sense. Both come from unique backgrounds that would allow them to do so much good for others. They have hoof on experience with some of life’s most damaging hurts. We could shape their futures and do so much good.”
“Intriguing,” Luna replied.
“I would be willing to offer my services Luna… as a live in caretaker and instructor. You are going to need somepony with a psychology background anyway if you want this therapeutic foster home to work. Luna, we stand on the cusp of a great work that could benefit society in ways we can scarcely even imagine. The Suicide Solutions Program is only the beginning. It was a good start. But watching Noctilucent take so readily assisting others, it has given me visions of what the future might be. It has made me dream. To see one so weak take such bold steps when the right nurturing environment was presented to encourage them… Luna, we could do great things,” Lethe stated.
“I know Lethe. This is why we have dreams. We have much work to do,” Luna replied. “I have a list of tasks I need you to take care of for me before I arrive…”
Shouldn't this be "doing well"? Not entirely sure.
Nice chapter.
4541028
Sometimes, when something speaks, they use much good grammar because: speaking.
4541039 Oh yeah, that makes sense. I do that in my writing sometimes.
You are doing yourself a service in doing this again. The chapter reads better for it, as it did before.
I'd kind of like to see something a little less direct from Shadow Noctilucent. He's being kind of exposition-y. He could still be just as much of a horny, blunt ass, while being slightly more indirect in his approach to making Noctilucent understand his own needs.
'side from that, though, this is one of the better recent chapters.
4541050
She Noctilucent was supposed to be the exposition-y one this time... Harrumph.
I just don't know what went wrong.
Also, I couldn't fit it in anywhere in my more serious post, so have a joke without much context:
Shadow Noctilucent is all about sex; he'd even make Freud either ecstatic or jealous. He's so horny he might as well be an alicorn.
4541060
That would make for an awesome spin off.
Shadow Noctilucent escapes, becomes real, becomes a porn star, becomes the alicorn of aliporn.
4541058
Due to the whole "way too long for dialogue" bit where she goes on for almost the entirety of a paragraph, I'd agree (and that's not really a good thing, by the by, but it does seem to fit her character-facet a little better), but my experience makes it feel a little more odd for Shadow than She.
And since I'm not actually giving this story a full review, I have no intention of pointing out every little thing wrong with it, so I tend to stick with pointing out just one or two problems that stuck out to me the most.
So Celestia's taking interest in our Shining Knight. I wonder if we'll see her in a future chapter?
The dream sequences are always fascinating, and Lethe and Luna's interlude was very encouraging. Everything seems to be going well.
…A little too well. I can't help but suspect that the situation's about to take a turn for the worse, possibly involving the wandering psychic shard. In any case, looking forward to more.
4541028
Look at Quirky. At the orphans. At Noctilucent himself. If he's not doing good, I don't know who is.
True empathy is a blessed burden I would wish upon no one. There is nothing that makes one feel more helpless then to feel the suffering of others as acutely as your own, whilst being impotent against the inherent wrongness of the world.
I recognize a lot of what the subtle final objective of the Princesses plan is.
I'm curious to how in the Tartarus this is going in the direction I believe it is.
I still say he should introduce Shadow, She-Noct, and Foal-Noct to Luna...
After reading this chapter and thinking things over I realized that I am a lot like Noctilucent. Noctilucent seeks to protect those foals, where as I seek to protect my friends and family. Another thing I noticed is that he and I share a similar split in our psyche, I have a part of me that just wants to be loved particularity by a mother figure which I have never really had, a part of me that wants to mother all those close to me and then the more perverted part of me and while they don't manifest in my dreams, I can feel them all the time and sometimes it feels like they take over and guide me for a while, anyhow I loved the chapter and I love this story. and I really look forward to seeing what's to come .
Another step in the right direction, acknowledging the truths behind a relationship is not always perfectly nice. But the reasons behind them is good and that's good
"horseapple headed pegasus twit" this is officially the best insult I have ever heard. That is all... Okay fine I still love She-Nocti and Nocti's Shadow. I love that his shadow has thought far enough ahead to know that giving up sex then would be better in the long run... so he could have more sex later. Plus, "You don’t abuse the mother of your foals." These are words that every man everywhere should live by. I might have gotten the quote wrong, but still that was the sentiment that stuck with me. I'm still loving this story and I am excited to see more every time.
4541070 If this specific friend of mine was a brony, that is the EXACT line of thinking he would go through. It's all porn and movies with him...
4541414
That would go for a very interesting chapter. I sincerely hope that if it will exist in the future that the part of Noctilucent that ripped away will not proceed to be there. Because that thing still gives me nightmares.
Well... I've never seen personal relationships broken down so bluntly. From a psychology stand point, they are a mutual agreement for something one needs from the other and vis versa.
This story has always been personal to me from the very start. I personally have a lot in common with noctilucent and each chapter is like have a peice of my soul revealed to the world.
Is that odd?
You know, I was just getting ready to call into question what happened to the doppelganger... I hope that the doppelganger takes over someone...
someone new...
if he hurts one of the foals....
I will....
be upset....
That will truly be a testament to Noctilucent's will.
I give up trying to understand Shadow. He is confusing as hell unless he is being an asshole. I think I understand what She-Noc was trying to explain about mutual manipulation. And it seems that Celestia might have experienced a loss by suicide. I agree that Lethe and Luna need to find out the long-term effects of the Suicide Solutions Program.
4541889
I think it'll take over Cactus or use her as a battlefield in which Nocty and Luna will have to dream-battle it. Eventually Noct should be able to accept his anger//doppleganger.
4541862
4541434
The human condition. Explained with ponies.
These things seem familiar to you because they are elements that are common to the shared human experience.
Noctilucent is made up from the stuff that most of us struggle with at one point or another.
So, from what I'm reading, love can be portrayed as mutual manipulation? Huh, never would have thought of that.
The comments section of this fic sure is insightful and informative. I wonder if there should be a sort-of forum group for general discussion of this. Sounds like a good idea anyway.
4542006
As human beings, we condition one another through interaction. And yes, love is an accepted mutual manipulation. Consentual manipulation.
We do what we do because of the different things that motivate us. Fear, desire, need, all common motivators. Small children behave out of fear. Toddlers don't have advanced logic centers. They cannot be reasoned with, and trying to bargain with them or reason with them is useless. The only thing they respond to is either fear or the promise of a reward in the very immediate future as they lack long term planning.
Take the interaction between a child and its mother. There is a lot of mutual manipulation going on, and competing conditioning taking place. Child cries until it gets its way, parent uses fear of punishment to make the child behave. Eventually, a rate of exchange is established and both have an idea of what can be expected from one another. It is entirely subconscious too, which is the beauty of it.
And then, there are compensators. Those are fun. Nothing screws up a relationship like compensators and eventually unreasonable expectations. Ugh.
4541938 If Cactus is hurt, kudzuhaiku gunna have to wait for me to make an OC, so he can put it in this story and personally whoop that things ass...
Making an OC now... just in case...
4542058
Cactus would hold it down and fart in its ear.
4542066 Can... can that happen? Like not as a major plot device... but like, when Nocty beats it... or whatever... can Cactus do that?
Please?
4542109
4542109
Your Sarcasm detector needs its drivers updated. Wow.
4541070 Pls do 10/10 would read. E3 Award for best fic 2025. Nuketown DLC included.
4541039 "Nigga, SUPERMAN does good. You are doing well."
Wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading this but my expectations were definitely blown. Was thinking this story would have ended up rather grousome but instead turned into an enjoyable read. Would be interesting to see some of your worlds collide now though. Cactus would fit right in with The Chase universe, and Noct and Bucky could share notes or something.
...That was unsettling. A dark turn for this universe.
Kudzu, I don't want this story to ever end. It's as if Nocty and I were one in the same a world apart. This story is like a drug, just one more fix every time a chapter ends.
Now Shadow is reminding me of Greed from Fullmetal Alchemist.
4.bp.blogspot.com/_1sHleFmwN54/S4shlCPaNKI/AAAAAAAAA-w/cjwENp-bQGk/s800/FMABD45.png
4542813
I don't think that its DID, as we haven't seen any of Nocti's "voices" take him over and he seems to not hear them while awake, which to me, points to some sort of dream manipulation on Luna's part, allowing Nocti to reflect inwards while he sleeps.
Personally, I'd probably be freaked out if I fell asleep and met my Anima, my Shadow and my Child. Then I'd probably ask my Shadow if the two of us are supposed to fight each other in order for him to help me, ask for relationship advice from my Anima and talk Pokemon and Sailor Moon with my Child.
Unrelated note, but when I was working out how to reply to this, your comment about DID reminded me about United States of Tara and which of the alters were what Jungian Archetypes. Chicken is Tara's Child, Buck is Tara's Animus, Tee is Taras Shadow, Gimme is a blend of the Trickster and the Child, Shoshanna and Alice seem to both be the Wise Old Woman, but different Aspects and Bryce Crane is a blend of Animus and Shadow. Before everyone jumps down my throat about blends, I will point out that the Wikipedia article on Jungian Archetypes does say that "...the archetypes tend to combine with each other and interchange qualities making it difficult to decide where one archetype stops and another begins." and I'm going with the theory that the Shadow is made up of everything that the waking mind deems to be "wrong" like blowing off homework when you had plans for after school, or blowing your savings on inconsequential crap.
( I really should stop with the Persona 4 references)
4544113
Forgetting magic.
Magic which can give birth to all manner of miraculous acts.
Thinking of Cactus, I was actually pondering how a blind filly would deal with the world, though ii was more thinking of a pegasus. I know I've read a few stories with blind ponies, but I'm not sure if any have used a pegasus, just earth and unicorn ponies. I'm picturing some sort of wind reading type thing which I know I've seen somewhere before.
I don´t get one thing: Luna and The Doctor said the there are other or otherS shadows ? I mean, the shadow that luna drove off Noct is still alive and attacking other ponies as well, maybe driving then to suicide, or each of those suicidal-to-be ponies have their own shadows, not related to the one that Nocti had ?
4546291
Those aren't shadows.
Reread the chapter. Your terminology is all wrong. I am not even sure where to begin.
The doppelganger is from Noctilucent. Others are showing signs of potentially breaking as well. The doppelganger is functionally immortal as it is a dream and isn't real. It will have to be dealt with.
4546306 Right, sorry, english is not my first language. Nocti Doppelganger is alive and trying to find another victim, but other weakened and suicidal ponies are starting their own doppelganers.
Thanks.
4546313
No no no... They show signs of strain. Big difference.
4546317 Does this mean there is only ONE and, maybe, immortal doppelganger at all ? Does his presence affects the dream world/inner world, pushing the ponies toward suicide and a general breakdown, even if he is not directly in the mind of then ?
4546324
He isn't pushing anypony to suicide, he wants a body to take over and use. He is literally the embodiment of every horrible thing that existed within Noctilucent.
4546333 WOW, hold on that...Nocti created that thing (not on purpose, sure, but, still, it come from his mind, from his suffering) and now its trying to get another pony !?!?!?
The implications for the future of this story are....oh boy...oh bucking boy...
I think that i just got where you´re taking Nocti...this is gonna be legen...
..wait for it...
...still waiting...
...DARY !!!!
4551162
It is grammatically acceptable. You can exchange it like you do the word "said."
Oh. Now it makes sense.
Imo one "all" is enough, no matter which one.
said
continues to go
I don't feel comfortable with that constant pointing out. Oh well gotta harden my skin or something lol
4552045
I appreciate it.