ranul
Joined 28th Sep, 2013 ·
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Wut.
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............. 31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4hqe2T4Kw1r3k1m8o1_500.png
I didn't understand any of that.
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I'm completely speechless. Please, get an editor they can help you with grammar, pacing, and paragraph spacing. Really hard to follow this story if it has inconsistency, especially with a confusing plot. Not saying that this is horrible, but it needs an entire revamp.
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This was the WORST story I have ever read. I don't like to insult, but I don't know what's happening!
Ok. Let's try to give advice...
1)
How the hell that pony came there? Why did he come there? Where was that place? WHO was that pony?!
You need to explain some things in the story... or to better say, EVERYthing. Make bigger plot.
2) Your story is block of words. Nobody likes block of words. Put in some SPACE. It just makes your story more boring to read.
3) I'm not so perfect with grammar, but I know what bad grammar is. You need to fix it! Or at least go find someone who will help you with it. There are many people who are willing to help. All you need is ASK!
4) Read more. See how good stories look like, see how to write properly. Believe me, it works. I learnt much in the few months.
I hope I helped at least a little bit... Now, take advice and fix your story!
This chapter was trying to introduce Cleo and the fact that he wants everyone the other ponies to stop being afraid of him because of the color of his eyes. He finds out the leader of the cult is from ponyville and is going there to confront.
4410621
Why would someone go to a fruit stand to buy some fruit but that wasn't the point of the. Beginning of the. Story I was trying to show that alot of the ponies were afraid of him because of his eyes
What do you mean it is just a block of words. This I only the beginning of the story.
who this is well it says later in the story
My roommate was sitting at the table. I threw the. Supplies on the table and went to my room and was looking in the mirror.
She said " Are you okay Cleo ?". I turned towards her.
and as for where this place is
Weisel said " I like to travel. "
I gave him a stern look.
I said " I don't think you have ever left las pegasus. ".
I'm going to hazard a guess that this is meant as a sequel to Past Sins?
If it is not then it is a terrible story
If it is then it is a terrible story which is also an insult to one of the greatest fanfictions on this site
What is this I can't even...
4410864 That's saying a lot about how bad this is if you consider Past Sins readable.
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This story is currently being rewritten I hope there is more approval of. The second version then the first
I said, "this really isn't the way you write a story."
He said, "you're going about it all wrong."
I said, "the format is really bad."
He said, "yeah and this back and forth is annoying." etcetera
You're trying to write a sequel to Past Sins and this is what you give us? There's no denying your ambition. As a wise man once said, "Shoot for the Moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. (Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff)."
But ambition will only take you so far. You need things like talent as well as an ability to do the basic monkey work of writing. There's a literary term called floating head syndrome. You get a bunch of dialogue spoken often times by two or more people but you don't know who they are and there's nothing else happening during those times. The words could be spoken by a couple of floating heads and it wouldn't matter. What you've done is take that and tweak it slightly.
Do you see the problems with your storytelling? Let me make it a little more obvious in case you can't.
Every. Damn. Sentence. Starts. With. "X said". That's enough to make me want to punch the screen in front of me.
You need to mix this up. It's not a bad thing to use once in a while and you do need to tell us who is saying what but you need to change it up. Doing the same thing over and over again is just annoying. Also, you need to get rid of the floating heads. Give them something to do while they're talking. Imagine yourself there talking and imagine what you might be doing during that time.
You also need to work on your punctuation but right now I think that's the least of your worries.
Cheers!
I finished the rewrite and I hope that I gets a better reaction than the first version of the story it will take them a few chapters to get to ponyville .
4410621
the first chapter has been rewritten
4419352
Your story still seems lacking in detail. It feels like the characters are cardboard cutouts just going through the motions.
4424672 what details are you looking for is scenic details or do you want me to describe what they look like
4424937
Hmm...how about instead you try spicing up your writing first?