- Member Since 1st Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Yesterday
Dragonborne Fox
It's one thing to create/throw already-established characters in a story of some kind. It's another thing to develop those characters, regardless of the situation they're in.
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What is this a crossover of?
5263048 Epic Battle Fantasy, much like the original installment.
YAAYY!! EPICNESS APON EPICNESS!!!!
5545945 Hm? Where? (Oh, I see now. Just wait; you're getting ahead of yo'self. I can only write so much in a given day.)
Hmmm interesting first chapter...tracking.
5576324 Thanks. ^^
Suppose I should do my magic
Right Question time with Cipher
1. Are these worlds in a parallel universe, e.g. share the same space but is shifted out of phase so the other is unaware of it? Or are they next to each other but just invisible?
2. Zebra's can't get cutiemarks. Cough...
3. some errors, which i shall post on the error section XD
4. Seems silly, but why the ponies not go in a tank to start with? If I were in that dangerous world and I had a tank. I would certainly go in it through a snowstorm rather then walk it. Unless these ponies are trying to prove how
hardStupid they are.5. "Godcatdamned eskimos!" I hope that's a quote from somewhere, otherwise that pony can't spell. Lucky CIpher isn't there to correct the spelling, phew.
6. What the background with the gryphons? wouldn't they steal the tank or whatnot if the worlds as corrupted as you say it is? Unless these ponies were special or something, yet again no back story *cries*.
7. A cat, erm, well, wouldn't it get lost in a tank?, or squished or leave, ect ect.
8. Past tense seems off, maybe you're a time lord but meh, I got no time for that. 'Laying' you mean Lying right?
Error Section
'Said eyes of sapphire narrowed into a glare'
What's that about?
either
The mare is called said?
or
The eyes can talk?
Also have some more errors
, shouldn't it be 'We will get some food tomorrow. I promise. The black-and-white pony replied,still petting the cat, who was purring, like no tomorrow.
We'll is slang, wut y u slanger m8?
Slang pony, is bad pony.
OTP!!!!!!!!!!!
Grammar Check now- communist style
There are two worlds, the inhabitants similar in many ways: The planet Mythos, home to the Equestria we all know and love, and its share of zebras, gryphons, and the like. The other, Fantasia, was so close to Mythos the two may as well have been sharing halves of a divided atmosphere. Both worlds were separated by a barrier, one so impenetrable not even the might of Princess Celestia herself could hope to crack it.
It was best for things to remain that way, for Fantasia’s main continent was practically in irreversible ruin. Islands just large enough to act as small continents in their own right housed the populace of ponies, monsters, what have you. This was where the similarities ended. Monoliths of old, bearing ancient scriptures of an era long since forgotten, were such an example of the monsters. Inexplicably, they could dodge attacks despite being firmly lodged in the ground and appearing to be easy targets, all the while they fired spells most potent. All of this was ranging from ice, wind, electric; you very well name it. The elements themselves heeded to their call.
The ponies themselves were quite another startling difference, as were the zebras and gryphons and whatnot. Considering that the islands only had small towns dotting their masses--few and far in between at that--not many could get their cutie marks. Those that did were fortunate, though this depended on who you asked. The monsters were to blame for all of this, though valiant knights and adventurers did do their best to defend the towns and people. However, only an alarmingly low number of the inhabitants were fit to be adventurers and knights to begin with, and almost all of them had cutie marks. The only exception to this rule was the gryphons, which couldn't even get marks period.
It was either stay in the towns with a rather unreliable makeshift police force, or goes out and explores the world, slay monsters, and often starve. You see, a hefty few types of monsters were inedible, and those that were edible weren’t really good, taste-wise.
On one island where it snowed day and night, the white ever-growing and the intensity of the chilling winds as varied as the stars themselves, four ponies and a huge object trudged through at a rather slow pace. The cold winds carrying a blizzard fast upon its shoulders was getting to them, as was expected of such a harsh landscape, but they still pressed on.
At least, until one spoke up. “Perhaps we should sleep in the tank for the night!” Cried one of the ponies, a masculine voice barely audible from the howling snowstorm swirling around him and those he accompanied.
“When will we get to Frostbite Haven?!” Cried another one of the ponies, a feminine voice even less audible than the first pony’s. “We’ve been walking in circles for the past I-don’t-know-how-long!”
“We can’t last in this cold much longer!” Complained a third, a higher-pitched feminine voice belonging to a teenager developing into a mare at best.
“Alright guys, let’s get in the tank!” Yelled the fourth, a masculine voice almost completely drowned out by the storm.
“What did you say, Matt?” Asked the second pony, having to scream so the fourth could hear her.
“I said, let’s get in the tank!” Replied the fourth, also yelling louder this time around.
“Alright!” Cried the second, who then relayed the message to the other two.
Slowly, the ponies turned towards and then trudged to the huge object that had stopped abruptly in its tracks. It was the size of a house and then some and it possessed a dark grey in hue, drills and machine guns lining both sides of the front--one on each aforementioned side. The hatch--which housed bigger cannon--opened, and a few gryphons that were adequately dressed for the cold came out and helped the four who were foolish enough to traverse in this place almost entirely naked. As soon as all four were inside, the hatch slammed shut.
The inside of the tank was very warm, thanks to a few heaters generating said warmth throughout the mass of the thing. The four ponies, two mares and two stallions, shivered as tattered blankets were slid onto their backsides and one having a black long coat removed beforehand.
“Damn, I think my horn’s frostbitten!” Complained the owner of the second voice, an off-white unicorn mare with fiery red hair. It was thick, messy, and hanging past her shoulders. Her bangs, which had the potential of covering her eyes, were brushed aside sloppily. Said eyes of sapphire narrowed into a glare. “And whose idea was this, again?!” She cried. Lying next to her was a long, red staff tipped with a big blue crystal and tied with a red ribbon, the shaft having white cloth in the middle.
“Mine too…” Bemoaned the owner of the third voice, another unicorn who was a head plus a few inches shorter than the others. She came with a light brown pelt and evergreen mane, some of which was secured with four baubles of gold at the back. The aforementioned back part of the mane also hung sloppily past the shoulders, and the front part shaded just above her right eye very nicely. Her eyes were also evergreen, and a bow made of stone and gems, along with a quiver filled with arrows made of the same material, lay next to her. “I think it was Matt’s idea…”
Another unicorn, this one the tallest and most heavily-built of them all with a horn so small the bare tip was the only thing to be seen parting blond bangs, shook his head. He had a dark grey pelt, almost black. A few splotches of dirtied white broke up the black here and there--including his entire muzzle, all four hooves, aforementioned horn, and both sides of his concealed hips.
Long blond hair hung messily past his shoulders as well, some of which landing upon a thick and dirty red scarf on his neck whose ends were loose tatters. Some of this hair was also braided in small rat tails, and his blue eyes that were narrowly avoiding the bangs slanted in worry. “Natz, Anna, take a chill pill. We’ll get to Frostbite Haven soon.” He said, almost immediately getting glared at by the two mares afterwards.
“Oh, ha ha, very funny.” Anna, the green-manned unicorn, hissed. Her face was turning red in blooming fury. “You’re only saying that because your horn can’t get frostbitten!”
“Next time we do something like this, we’re dressing like Godcatdamned Eskimos!” Natz, the third-tallest off-white unicorn whose real name was Natalie, snapped. Her eyes narrowed even lower briefly, only to widen as she rolled them and groaned.
The last pony, a burnt orange Pegasus that was an inch or two smaller than the small-horned unicorn with a dark red mane and eyes, along with ears that were torn, shook his head. His wings, steel-jointed down to the base with copper feathers, were currently spread by the gryphons who were plucking out forming icicles from their frames. A good chunk of his back and midsection was metal plating welded into his flesh to which the wings were attached. Next to him sat a black gun blade whose, well, blade was jagged.
His eyes wandered off to the weapon lying next to the small-horned stallion, an ornate sword as large as he was long--from snout to tail, mind you. The handle was covered in red bandages, the hand guard bearing six golden feathered wings adorned with two shimmering rubies. The silver blade itself, which had a red vein right down the middle that got smaller as it reached the mid-way point, was adorned with strange gold insignia.
The sword was also jagged, like the gun blade, but the jagged edges were symmetrical. A small red diamond of vein was nearer the tip of the massive sword than the large vein, but still stuck in the middle.
“Lance, why are you looking at my sword?” Asked the small-horned stallion.
The metal-winged Pegasus snapped out of his stupor and blinked a few times as the question registered in his mind. “Uh...to take my mind off my forming icicles, Matt.” He replied quickly.
“Uh-huh.” The black-and-white stallion sighed, slowly nodding his head as if sceptical of Lance’s words. “Riiiiight.”
“I’m hungry!” The green-manned unicorn complained, causing the other three to look at her. Her eyes watered, her mouth quivered, and she even stomped a hoof to complete the child-throwing-a-tantrum look despite almost being a fully grown mare.
The Pegasus shot a quick glance at two gryphons and nodded to them. Quickly, they nodded back and turned to a stove that was just behind them. A third rummaged through a big brown sack filled with who knows what, and as he did, his eyes widened.
“What’s taking so long to find food?” Asked one of the gryphons at the stove after a good thirty minutes.
“We’re...we’re…” The one in front of the sack began, shaking as if cold, “WE’RE OUT OF FOOD!”
Lance immediately rose up onto his hooves, the blanket falling from his hind quarters and revealing his cutie mark: an atomic bomb whose body was red, with a great white stripe running down the middle adorned with a reverse swastika (which was therefore a Buddhist peace symbol). He and the gryphon exchanged just one glance; a panicked face meeting that of a stone-cold mask on the verge of breaking. “We can’t be out of food!” He cried, an eye twitching. “We all had rations yesterday, I’m sure we have some left still! Keep looking!”
The gryphon frantically nodded, rummaging through the contents of the sack with twice the agility now. He looked back at the Pegasus and shook after another fifteen minutes. “I...I just double-checked...we’re out.” He stammered.
The metal-backed pony stomped his way to the sack and pushed the gryphon aside with his hoof. Mumbling something about a lout, he too began searching the sack, which was filled with trinkets, bullets, valuable objects, and a whole lot of other things one could think of. He did this once, then twice, then thrice very quickly before slowly looking back at his fellow ponies after a total of forty-five minutes.
“Yep. We’re out of food.” He sighed flatly.
“Awww! I don’t want to sleep on an empty stomach!” Anna complained almost immediately, eyes watering again.
“Just be glad we’re not out there freezing to death.” Natz groaned, a hoof connecting with her face in short order.
Lance glared at Matt. “I hope this is all worth it when we get to Frostbite Haven, because we’re buying out the food shops as soon as we arrive!” He scowled, an eye twitching once more.
“It is.” The blond-manned stallion replied with a hasty nod. He had his front hooves raised almost as if the Pegasus was trying to mug him.
“Also, we’re investing in three fridges and five cupboards. We have not got time to be going out there and hunting monsters, especially not in this storm we landed in!” The Pegasus hissed, pointing a hoof and waving it at a rather empty portion of the tank everyone stood in.
“Meow.” A cat sighed, this one blue-furred and literally legless, yet somehow standing upright. It had grown its winter coat, at least. It rubbed its head against Matt’s foreleg and purred as soon as he set the ends of his front appendages back down.
“Hey, NoLegs. You hungry?” The blond-manned stallion asked, petting the cat with his other hoof.
The cat nodded and meowed again.
“We’ll get some food tomorrow, I promise.” The black-and-white pony replied, still petting the cat who was purring like no tomorrow.
A gryphon stood in front of a screen that hung above a control panel. “I see something!” He cried, causing literally everything else that was breathing in the tank to rush to the panel in a heartbeat. There, outside in the raging snowstorm, something was approaching. What it was, nobody was certain--all the thing was had been a far-off silhouette blurred by the howling winds and hellish flurry of purest white.
Apart from that everything is fineeee
rs1img.memecdn.com/Da-fuck-is-this_o_136559.jpg
Oh god, No PLEASE NO, these errors again.
Cipher's list of errors
Lets picture this scene. So I can show you the error.
Right, so you're in a tank, and you come across a bear. Normally you would kill the bear with the tank, but lets be heroic and kill it with a sword?
Really? One pony or gryphon wouldn't ask you if you've gone crazy after opening the hatch when a bear is nearby?
Another error with the plot line. Anna and her bow.
You know, the bow wouldn't even have its strings on or be combat ready, unless you're pony was a complete amateur and left the strings on when they were in the blizzard. By the time she had put the strings on, put the loading mechanism on and knocked an arrow to it the bear would be long gone. Or snacking on you're friends. If you say it originally had it strings on, then Anna must get through her bows rather quickly, they tend to snap after being strung for a long period of time, the tension slowly breaks the wood apart. Leaving her bow inside the tank also is impossible; because why would they be outside the tank in the first place??????
also, I don't think would be possible
you're going to lift a bear that ways several more times you're own weight?. laws of physics mean you're going to have to use the same energy whatever process you use. So for instant, you can either drag it with you're hooves or levitate it with magic, both will use the same amount of energy. Unless you knew you could physically drag it and live you might reconsider and get help from others.
..... She's no't even tired from it, the buck is this?
Then that pegasus scene. He a robot or something? Robots have dreams? He dreams about sleeping with Anna and she doesn't even care? So she's either some whore, in love with him already, or doesn't care.
Since shes just came of age, I do hope shes not a whore. Its possible shes inlove with him but no back story so this is just conjecture. If she doesn't care, again insinuates shes a whore.
Might need a rethink on this scene, many things don't add up. Unless all the ponies are completely insane, then that's just fine, but this would be a very short story.
Yeah ok, could at least have let us get halfway though before ruining the plot with you're spoilers. Now Cipher can't take over with her pegasus army. Buzz kill.
All characters are now Mary Sue. "yeah we just killed the god, was rather hard but she got bored eventually and went away"
^^ yeah ok, go kill this new enemy quickly, come on, you've done it before right?
Background on this because, I have no idea what a Godcat is.
I've changed my mind, I don't think fallout is Mary Sue anymore. This is much better.
Yeah you just happen to be Twilight Sparkles alter ego. I seem to recall their being a vast wasteland of destruction and you manage to discover about sonic rainbow booms. level up.
Oh and rainbows getting pregnant, I can see Lance sharing the tank with her.
Still, you just need Midna from Zelda behind the whole evil thing, then this book will be awesome.
Come on Mary Sue's, Do you're Thing.
38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzzpnnV0lr1qdku5lo1_500.gif
Wow, Lance where's you're lightsaber?. Obi One will be mad you lost it again. Using a ion cannon, that's so uncivilized
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/V-150_Planet_Defender
Will edit this post for more errors,
Now you got a Nazi in it. This story is all over the place
I'm half expecting their to be jedi, elfs, Enclave ect.
Just need CIpher to pop in with her Enclave and story will be complete
oh and some randyness of course.
Have a song for this chapter
5602630 You know that you could be improving your stories rather than trying to be a critic on someone else's.
Hello! Because of a technical mishap, people were able to submit stories directly to the folders instead of going through submissions, and, well, now I'm treating all the stories that circumvented stories like they were submissions. Unfortunately, I had a few problems with this story, namely with how the characters were presented and how difficult it was to follow. I understand that this is quite a vague problem to have, and if you want more detail, I compiled my reasons here, or you could ask me in person.
In any case, I'm removing the story from the folder for now: I understand if this seems unfair, but we didn't mean for the folders to be open, and we think it's quite important to 'clean house' so to speak.
5712581 I understand. (It's one thing to introduce the characters, but another to develop them. And development takes time, so I understand if they seem...iffy to you. In any case, I'm still editing dialogue and stuff like that to make the reading experience better, which I've highlighted in a blog post.
)
5713347 Well, be sure to give me a call once you've gone over stuff. I certainly have no problems with changing my decision if stuff gets better.
5713365 I'll call once there are fifty chapters to this thing and I've gone over all of them fifteen million times.
5713384 Ah, jeez! Sorry, completely forgot. Your story did meet the standards (which are a bit lower) of another group I admin, the Olympus Group. I completely forgot to stick your story in there, and figured I should inform you that I'm doing it now.
TTFN
5713894 It's okay. We make mistakes sometimes. :D
whats with the error coments (just curios)
5726821 Hm?
5602586 oh come on you know you love the marry sues
awsome
just by the ending of the chapter involving a question to the airforce sounding like a delay instantly leads me to believe that they are in danger or dead
awesome story so far (to detailed to find any problems unless I start nitpicking)
as I continue to read this the only problem is im tired so I mixed the names up a bit (so basically your story is amazing so far)
like I said the sex stuff at the beginning was confusing and.....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!SHE GOT RAPED BY A DEAMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get the feeling that somehow the three having the nightmares are connected in some way (captain obvios saves the day once again!!)
when the changelings being hated was explained I realized wouldn't parts of the cannon story. then I read on just joting it down to simple continuity. then as I read on I realized your timing on the meeting taking a long time before it happens matches up like the show a bit then I think what happened during that . (discord has bein reformed for a little ....while....random creature from unknown lands app.....eaarrsss... then it turns out he wants to destroy poni...es.....................when he is seen before an act.......he.....has......glowing...............................................................................................................................eyes O FUCK ME THIS MATCHES UP FINE TO ME YOU EARNED A "OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!!!" "BUT THERES........NO WAY THAT CAN BE RIGHT!!!" "but it is!!!!!!" IM .....SO.....HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
I THINK MY MIND SNAPED
yep it snaped....AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! 
PS: IF MY COMMENTS DONT MAKE SENCE GOOD IT PROVES IM CRAZY
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Katie simply failed to answer, instead just staring at her hoof as more black blood stained her face in their rivers. oh the existence of this story is beautiful in its self (as in its rare you see things this sad yet not pure tear jerker.
5727981 Hey, hey! Please refrain from commenting every chapter, it clutters the comment section.
every time I hear tactical nuke I hear the cod modern warfare 2 "tactical nuke incoming!. burnee burneee.shwoooobooooooom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
before I read this.......THE ONE TIME I STOP WAITING FOR ALL MY STORIES ,THEY ALL UPTATE!!!!!!
the important questions I might ask in that moment would be "are we still in earshot of the town?" "and if so, why cant I hear them partying?" lol that or why she cant just poof herself back to livin healthy form and stuf since theres at least two souls in there so its not like she wouldn't have a soul in there to be brought back to full on living state. but hey that's just a ramble , and idiot ramble. sory for commenting.
What's fields ice?
___________________
Godcat damned
[Edit: Fixed this comment. Since I didn't know Godcat was a thing. Pretty cool though.]
_______________
5602433
Ahem!
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/59/cb/25/59cb2559169b4cc0a0c5efd6ad5df02d.jpg
Zebra's get sexy Cutie Marks.
5902341 Fields issue has been fixed, and Godcatdamned was intentional.
Ah, so last chapter should have been Godcat damned, didn't know there was a Godcat. But that's pretty cool.
5902386 Alright.
what looked like
_____________
What game is Anna, and Lance from? And what's this about them fighting Godcat? Those pretty much need their own fics, or at least a bit of background (having not played Epic Battle Fantasy). Can't wait to see what you do with Zombie Goku, and I find it funny that Matt is a snub horn.
Last few chapters. Small problem. When writing, unless a character is talking and making a guestamation. Use exacts. 30 mins, 50 stories, 1 week, ect. Exception is if you have the words "approxamately", "almost", or "about" before the number given. That gives a degree of scope to the number where it can be around that number. As well as let the reader use their own imagination on How close to the mark it is.
But you never throw in the whole twenty to thirty minuets. Since nopony is making the guess on time. An exact amount of time has passed for them. At least inverse time, size, or other sensed experience has passed / occured for them. So it's less of an either or. Although usage of the 3 A's gives some degree of wiggle room if you don't feel like being exact. Or an exact number really doesn't matter, so throwing an "approximately", "almost", or "about" gives that wiggle room without having to think about scope too much.
5602586
Wrong Ion Cannon.
38.media.tumblr.com/0e7fc083b07decc31ca7dd3dc0e8ad4e/tumblr_n2rjubooOh1qi98cjo2_400.gif
And they aren't Marey Sues. Don't you play any RPG Videogames.
5902735 Alright. Noted. (And stop replying to Cipher; she's been banned.)
What in the hell did the Nazi come from? You never mentioned that, and honestly, it needs to be cut.
I mean seriously.
shellnews.net/Hitler.jpg
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/af/Hugo_Weaving_as_Red_Skull.jpg
Nazi's [Or Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (National Socialist German Workers' Party).]
_________________
I have no idea who're talking about in the fic. Since both in the Equestrian world, there was no Socialist Party that was all for the mass murder of non-Aryans (although you did have many hypocrits. Like Hitler who was half jew [Kind of like Voldemort being half muggle.]). Then you have the world you have set up currently. If there are only a few habitable islands, and most of them filled with things that want to horribly kill you. Nazi's are something I can see rationally popping up.
I'll be reading more sometime later tonight, or sometime tomorrow.
Hope my critiques / comments have been helpful so far.
5902793 They've been helpful so far. ^^ (And I fixed the error with the Nazi bit (and yes, Nazi be intentional. Reason why will...surface in a later chapter or so)).
New Chapter? Keep em' coming.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/11/148146/full.gif
They feed me.
5947778 Quality over quantity. :D (Ergo, updates will be slow as balls.)
5947778 they make me hurt with excitement and anticipation
amazing as always
huh....
6264414 Yes?