One thousand years ago Luna was banished to the moon, on the day prophesied she returns to take revenge on her sister and the ponies who shunned her night. It's too bad she can't find anypony to take revenge on.
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- Member Since 2nd Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 25th, 2017
Lord Erhswin Wholewheat
The Goddamn Worm Master Supreme!
Lord Erhswin Wholewheat
Joined 2nd Jan, 2013 ·
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I have got to say, you have me interested. The description makes it sound sort of like a short story, combined with the fact that is only has the one tag.
You said you were stuck between Sad and Dark, so far the story doesn't really read like either to me, because we are only presented with the sort of prolog so far. It is not clear yet where you are going to take the story and therefore I am not sure what it should be listed as.
I would also highly suggest adding the Alternate Universe tag on as this does take place instead of an episode and therefor can't take place in the canon universe.
I am not normally one to make writing and grammar suggestions, but there was two points that stuck out to me
First: grammar thingy
You describe Luna as a comet twice in the same sentence, its very repetitive and could end up being confusion.
Second: story progression
Every time Luna refers to Celestia she uses the pet-name Tia. However, if she is really really mad at Celestia she would not be using a pet-name as those only bring fond memories. I would suggest Luna mainly refer to her as Celestia and then as her anger drops away and as she gets more and more worried she starts to call her Tia... that way we can see a character progression that allows us to really understand what is going on in Luna's mind without you telling use outright.
All that being said, I am in no way an authority on tags or anything, and only judge tags and make suggestion based on my interpretation of the story.
-The Don
Awww sad
poor Luna. I can see a metaphor here. The buildings are old and abandoned just like Luna had been "abandoned" to the moon. Idk if that was intended or not but it was good
Okay, I'm gonna break up my criticism into two parts. Conceptual, and grammar.
Conceptual.
You make it quite clear that it is Luna coming back to earth, but why? Why is it Luna instead of Nightmare Moon? If it is indeed going to be Luna instead of NMM, you need an AU tag for sure and maybe a little more background as to why it's Luna.
I mean, I can probably guess that it's Luna because you want to make her a sympathetic character later in the story, but that's only a hunch.
In this scene, it would probably be better if, while she still has her eyes closed, she starts laughing, preparing to strike fear into the hearts of her subjects... only to be greeted by nothing but a wet fart of disappointment.
Grammar.
You need to find an editor. A real editor who can look over these stories preferably twice. Also, you need to look over these stories twice. That goes into my three suggestions for success which I will outline later. For now, here are the main things that caught my eye.
You can easily just remove the word was from the sentence. The word was usually turns a sentence into a passive sentence and overall, makes it a bad sentence. Not all the time, but most of the time, this is true.
Any time a character addresses another character, there's a comma, so this becomes...
It's extremely minor, but I don't like the use of the word "flicked" here. It would be better to use a word like "rushed" or something.
Other guy pointed this out, but I would like to reiterate... no. Bad author. If she hates her sister, she's not likely to use a nickname.
I know this sentence is supposed to be kind of rambling thought that get interrupted, but it needs to be reworded a bit as it's kinda sloppy and confusing to read.
You probably just overlooked it, but the W needs capitalizing, and sentence needs a comma, like so:
Another missing comma here, and you have bones capitalized, probably on accident, but I'll point it out just in case. I would also remove more since it just makes the sentence confusing.
Okay, so all that aside, you have the start of a great story, but that's all it is. Pure potential waiting to be set loose. If you have more, or further ideas for this story, I'd say go for it.
Now for the three suggestions for success that pretty much every author should employ.
1. Sum up your story in one sentence.
It's simple. Can you sum up your story in one sentence? When you do, make sure that most of what you write is in service of that sentence. It doesn't have to be a very good sentence, mind you, just one sentence.
Ex: My story, Pinkie Doesn't Like Needles can be summed up with "Pinkie Pie gets a shot with help from Fluttershy."
So, by knowing what my story is about, I can make sure that what I am writing is in service of that plot line.
2. Write your story, and let it sit.
This is simple, and also the hardest one. Write your story, and then let it go for a week or so. When you've just finished a story, there will be errors you don't realize are there simply because you're too used to it. Your eyes will just go right over them without realizing. Give yourself some time away and you'll be shocked at what you come back and notice wrong with it.
3. Read it out loud.
This one I cannot emphasize enough. At least once, preferably twice, read through your story out loud and really listen to your words. If you have friends who are kind enough to listen on something like a skype call, that would be even better as they can point out when something doesn't feel right. Just having to put a voice to your words will illustrate problems and solutions in your stories you'll be hard pressed to find just by reading.
And with that, I think I'm done here. You have plenty of potential, and so does this story, the question is, how badly do you want it? I have a feeling you want it enough to make some really good stuff in the future, so I'll be following this story and you. If you have any questions or you want to run something by me in the future, feel free.
Starlitomega
5735571
5736210
Thanks guys, those reviews were a lot more extensive than what I was expecting and you pointed out a lot of things I didn't even notice.
gonna get on those corrections.
5736173 You might be onto something.
5736759
Notta problem. I like seeing something more imaginative the hundred of HiE fics in the group, so when I see one, I want to help anyway I can. Hope to see more from you soon.
This was actually a really intriguing read. I won't touch on the grammar issues since those have already been addressed, rather I'll be talking more along the lines of the pacing of the story.
Pacing is a fundamental aspect of a story meant to convey emotion. In your typical action scene in your typical action story, the scene runs by at a fast pace because the entire focus is shifted towards all the action. The opposite occurs in an emotional scene. The story slows down to a snails pace, and then gets really fucking descriptive of all the emotions the character is feeling at the moment. In your story, the pacing doesn't follow that standard formula for emotional scenes and thus is really jarring for readers.
Take this excerpt, for instance.
This portion could have been expanded into a paragraph or two entirely dedicated to Luna reminiscing about the past. I know you've heard this saying once or twice before, but show, don't tell. The part where she states the most memorable experiences with her sister is the equivalent of saying "and then we did this and that and oh also this too". This doesn't convey emotion. If you'd have written those experiences like a scene playing out in the story, then THAT would been some quality feels.
Overall, it was still pretty good. The whole setting is actually really well done and it left me legitimately curious as to why Ponyville was abandoned. Keep it up.
5774161 how profound thaums, I wasn't expecting that.
I'm kicking myself more now that you explained the flashback that way, it gives me all sorts of ideas on what to do. But I feel like it's too late now and this'll be a lesson for another story.
Thank you.
5774277
No problem, man. These sorts of things happen subconsciously, which is why it's damn vital to have an editor.
5774284 ye, it wasn't really that prudent to leave it up to taco and chase.
The last paragraph feels like the editors note that wasn't removed.
5814454 Pretty sure that's what it is... glad to see this story is continuing. I'm very curious about what will happen next!
5814454
5814912
You both might just be right. Thank you for the continued support.
I swear to god I didn't notice and had no idea those notes stuck.
I do like the concept of this story. I'm a sucker for alternative interpretations of Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon (she never called herself that canonically, just accepted the title from Twilight) or tries to show how they'd act in completely different situations.
Coming back to a land already permanently shrouded in darkness empty of any subjects without any effort on her part is as different a reception as she and I could imagine.
5815121
precisely why I call her by name instead of Nightmare Moon. No point in giving her a title when noones around to use it.
Just a little thing that bothers me.
Luna seems to know exactly where everything is. Put in to fact that Ponyville and Canterlot were built after Luna was banished.
Again, just a little that bothers me. It's nothing, really. Great story and plot line!
Great story so far! I'm likin' this!
Nice chapter. Love the graffiti on that wall. I eagerly await more from this story.
This story... Intrigues me... I will eagerly await further updates!
5815813 It was a bit vague but it was implied in the first chapter that she could see Equestria from the moon once a year.
I wasn't too clear with that tho.
5816275
I enjoy it to!
I...look forward to more. most definitely.
run-on sentences, man!
5851540 Happens, I'll try to improve on that between chapters.
Hmm, very interesting to say the least. I don't think I've read a story with this sort of concept before. I'm not sure where you plan to take it, but if you keep it going, I can see it blossoming into a great gem. A few minor errors here and there, but that's not anything a few editors can't fix. OR a quick preview.
Anyway, I think the only problem is that your chapters are too short. You could have combined both these chapters into one and it would've been fine. It also would've increased your view-count I believe.
Not to sound annoying and nagging, but I'm still waiting for the next chapter. It's been a while so I'm checking in on progress. Really just wandering when the next chapter is estimated to come out.
6022809 Sorry about that, recently got hired at a place that wants me to come in during what used to be my best writing hours. I'm still chipping away at the story, just extremely slowly. I'm trying to get this and the sequel/prequel done by no later than the end of June.
I hope this story isn't dead. This is fascinating.
Please finish this one day.