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"This is a tale said around many a camp fire here in the Mojave. Some will tell you its a tall tale made up by drunken caravaners to past the time on the long and winding roads, but this is a true story. So come take a seat by the fire I have a fresh piece of mole rat in the pot if you care to indulge me with an audience... the story is of the strange pair..."
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Interesting...
*Tracked*
Must read later.
Let us see what Twilight Sparkle shall uncover, hm?
*Tracked* Thenprofile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/276485_223745744347909_871916503_n.jpg
Very good story
i have read a few Fallout equestria fanfics but never an Fallout cross over like this so it should be interesting.
791152 elaborate please?
So this became a wall of text.
First of all, I would like to say that the story has a decent concept, and it did hold my attention rather well. However it could be better, and needs some revision. First, there are a number of technical errors throughout the piece; a few run-on sentences here, a couple missing comas there, all easy stuff to fix. One major thing that kept popping up was tense confusion. Another minor thing was "shot gun," instead of shotgun.
Next, though, might be tougher to deal with. One of the harder to fix problems may be that there are times when your writing style is, well, blunt. An example can be found in your first paragraph: "As I left the storm behind I stopped to dust off the sand left on my shoulders revealing the crest of the Brotherhood. The crest was a sword in the middle of three gears on the left and one cog on the right with two wings encircling them." The last sentence here is lacking. It's a description and nothing more. I personally find something more akin to "As I left the storm behind, I stopped to dust off the sand stuck to my shoulders revealing painstakingly painted gears overlaid by an old-world blade –– the symbol of the Brotherhood of Steel," to be more appealing. And I'm certain most readers would agree. It may come as a surprise, but it is possible to be too descriptive. There's more examples throughout the writing, but it's late and I'm lazy.
Moving on. There's some technical bits regarding fallout cannon that got a bit garbled. Namely that while the Brotherhood may be draconian, they wouldn't exile/execute a member who was sent out on a mission with no support and got overpowered. That, right there, was enough to kill my suspension of belief. Also for some nagging reason by brain keeps telling me that the brotherhood wears Recon Armor in under their armor to interface with it, but I can't pin down where I'm remembering it from. An important thing to note is that the fallout universe runs on 1950's styled tech. You kept calling terminals computers. In FO, computers still run on vacuum tubes and tape reels. What you're using in game is just an input/output terminal, not the computer itself.
Continuing.
This last one requires a paragraph of its own due to the sheer >wat.png it induced when I read it. "I took of the battery pack that supplied the armor and tossed it and the L30 at the horde of Ghouls knocking them backwards I shielded my eyes as it detonated."
>wat.
Try and tell me that reads correctly. Even in context. Here is a recording of my thoughts, in order, as I reread that sentence for the fourth time. 1: "...I took of the battery pack..."2: I fail to see how the pack begins to factor into the equation at all, it was the gun going critical, not the suit. 3: Wait, did he just rip out the power source for hydraulically driven armor? How can he move? 4: Run on sentence. 5: two objects were thrown, and then you refer to them as the singular "it." 6: wat.
I really do want to like your work. It looks promising, but unrefined. My advice is to find a dedicated editor to run this stuff through before you post it.
My eyes shall keep watch on this story...
795618 thank you for your reveiw I love to hear what people think. Firstly while normally they do use recon armor for their power armor to work properly I choose not to simply out of preference because I think it doesn't look all that interesting (yes I'm petty). Second while the brotherhood would not kill one of their own for such a small action they would for the purpose of the writing scare him into believing failure means death. Or maybe it's just his own fears of failure that made him think that. Lastly I see your point I at time do come off as blunt as can of mace but hey practice makes perfect. Also for the part about why he's sent alone well the Mojave chapter is very undermanned so they don't have the forces to spare.
Yet another good story!
Haha. Hey bud, this story BETTER MAKE UP FOR DEVILS DUE FLIP SIDE OF THE COIN! If this doesn't equal up to it, you will never see the light of day.
811630 okay buddy. Just keep calm and brony on. I am sure your going to love it.
811646 Good. Now memebase.com/wp-content/themes/vip/cheezcommon2/ragecomic/packs/neutralwords/images/LeaveMyPresence.png and make more.
You have my attention...
811676 so I take it you liked it? *Smug face* All ready started on next chapter.
dfer.org/custom_images/toldya.jpg
PS: nice image use I see what you did there.
811678 thank you?
811717 haha. I like this story, will track...
This is acceptable.
This is good, tracking. I assuming that it take place some time after the Courier woke up from getting shoot in the head, but before the Battle at Hoover Dam.
819370 yes sir. The Courier roams some where in the background...
curious faved to follow, you still have to earn the thumbs up though! XD
819455 well then give me time, the next chapter is sure to not disappoint.
This is good, it is an improvement on your last fanfic so looking forward to the rest
he saw the courier badass
Please make him meet up with the courier again.
827480 if I have space he still needs to see Ryan and Alex again.
827509
Have him meet with the courier and do a reference to Wayward Courier or something with it. I would clap at a moderate pace.
this is interesting
819455 I hope to gain that like at some point.
830210 please elaborate...
832233 I like it is different to other fallout cross overs where in them the lone wanderer/courier goes to Equestria. But in this its the other way around and twilight goes to the the Mojave. I wish to see how this ends as it has grasped my attention which is difficult cause I am following two other fallout cross overs.
832444 okay then. Thank you for reading. The next chapter will be out soon.
Name: John Johnson
Karma and or Affiliation: Good. No affiliation.
Personality: Complete sarcastic, asshole. Will fiercely defend friends in need.
Appearance: Caucasian. Tall, T51-b power armor. Very strong.
Equipment: 10mm pistol sidearm. Displacer glove. Brass Knuckles. Fists.
There you go. And part of the reason he is a sarcastic asshole is his name is John Johnson.
833812 I am free to make dick jokes then?
Okay perfect I have a good place for the son-of-a-bitch!
833840 Yea, but remember he is still a good person. Just a total asshole sarcastic one.
Name: Forrest Richtoven
Karma and or Affiliation: Good. Brotherhood of Steel.
Personality: Cynical. Short-tempered. Will die for those who are able to earn his trust. Speaks Swedish under pressure.
Appearance: Tall-ish. Pale. Redhead. Male. Light grey eyes. Wears gecko-backed leather armor turned light grey from wear and tear.
Equipment: Silenced .22 sidearm. Combat knife. La lounge carbine.
833909 Hmm BOS member not in power armor, a swede and ginger? I guess a scout then?
Okay I can work some shit in but I will make the joke that if he comes into contact with sunlight he will burst into flames.
833943
Jokes are good, and funny. But did is see that correctly? Is that the word swed? do you mean Swede?
833943
I help like I play pool, I put you in tough spots, make you make good decisions, and mold you into a better player in the end.
835669 Okay I got you.
835702
Go forth, yon friend, and work thine magic!
NOOOOO!!!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH NEW VEGAS CROSSOVERS, IT'S TIME FOR THE REAL BADASS, THE LONE WANDERER, TO SHINE!!!!! MORE LONE WANDERER NOW!!!! YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THE STORY!!!!! SAVE THE CROSSOVER FOR YOUR NEXT STORY, THIS ONE IS ALREADY CLAIMED BY THE LONE WANDERER!!!! YES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A NEW VEGAS/FALLOUT 3/MLP:FIM CROSSOVER, BUT NOT IN THIS STORY!!!!
Please, I'll let you pet Angel Bunny.
Okay then. Your right though, it’s better I stay. You're
Work… *cough* you’re magic. your
hah further action.....how long are going to make this cuz i rather it not end too soon............and lol to above rant
836944 as long as I see fit too. They have a ways to go before I can do a proper send off.
836934 me and my editor both have English as a second language.
Sorry to remind you there are other people out in the world...
But I understand your concern and I will try to do better in future chapters.
836825 please explain yourself as I have no bucking idea what you are saying...
Also I would have done a Fallout 3 crossover but I felt in would have been cliche... the irony right?
I put the sunglasses on
Shit, got real
837012 I take it you liked it?
if not then...
img.photobucket.com/albums/v236/sean56691/1196625059281.jpg
My friends will help you see the light.
837028 of course i liked it i lova mah fallout crossovers lol