- Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
- offline last seen 5 hours ago
An Intricate Disguise
Selling out has never felt so dirty.
An Intricate Disguise
Joined 3rd Dec, 2017 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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An Intricate Disguise · 6.7k words · 477 30 · 11k views
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Hott
YES
Damn, I can't wait for the sequel, that was 10/10
God shitt 👌
Definitely ready for this sequel.
Huh, TIL, new word.
Best line
This was great! Nice job leaving room for another sequel, that was well planned my dude.
----------------------------------
Uncapitalize "How"
For Twilight, it was
tail
and whenever (???) she was
could witness
and that told her plenty.
flash of her horn, a shroud
I'm fairly certain you should replace the comma with a semicolon
Holy run on sentence Batman! Break this up a bit lol.
This really confused me at first. Maybe say something like
and by Celestia was Twilight
Again?? Hot damn my dude.
.-.
allowing her thoughts
Delete the comma
in a moment of desire, took the
Dude, did you have this many massive sentences in the prequel? I'mma check later.
Seriously, you could separate the sentence here if you'd like, you would only need to capitalize "vigorous"
from what, until seconds ago, had been
where, along with the rest of her regal outfit, she had
it, instead replaced by a round, jeweled hilt. (or something similar, whatever. The current sentence is a bit awkward tho)
If you're using British English (and looking at your spelling, I think you are) this is fine. If you're using American English, forward, not forwards.
g-spot
just to be sure, she slipped
Bravo
8594887
Thank you very much for these excellent catches! I agreed with nearly all of them and I've gone through and made the necessary alterations. I'm very glad you enjoyed the story overall!
8595009
Now you've got my attention. Which ones did you not agree with? I hope I can use that to be better in the future.
That went better than the first one. Glad to see Twilight was aware of the naughty Pegasus. Though I'm not keen on Starlight being SUCH an idiot. It would have been better had she put everything together, blushed and said oh, I see what you mean by private time. And, face beet red, leaving the room. Other than that minor gripe, I'd say this story was quite awesome.
8595198
10 Bits that Starlight knew EXACTLY what was going on, and decided to play dumb for Twilight's sake...
Two for two. Goddamn.
Who are you?
~Skeeter The Lurker
8595280
i.pinimg.com/736x/00/28/01/002801b82530dc6fab36cc057f47cb8f--twilight-sparkle-my-little-pony-friendship.jpg .
Jesus Christ I know I how twilight felt when she heard the knock on the door
Holy crap. That was amazing, More Please
Why is the featured box so full of porn lately?
8596267
It’s simple, sex sells.
Conspiracy Theory:
Glimmy ain't stupid and she'll be knocking at tomorrows "private study session" dressed like a prostitute asking "Can I join in for nap time, Mistress?"
That'd be quite the show for Dash.
Am I wrong to assume you plan on making more in this series? Cuz, damn these are good
This is a sequel I can get behind, slightly expanxing on the premise of the fist story while retaining its foundamental structure and making it fit perfectly.
All the good things about the first story came together nicely in here as well, i think this story can stand well on its own.
Best line.
This ending has once again left me wanting more, and it almost seems to me that that was done on purpose. Are there any plans for another instalment of this series?
Oh Starlight, you have the attention span of a Derpy on a muffin hunt.
8597186
WORDPLAY INTENDED
8596267
Why are you complaining about the featured box on someone else's story? Enjoy the story. Comment about the story.
---------------
Speaking of, wonderful story. The line about Starlight and the lobotomized goldfish just helped sell the comedy with the tantalizing action going on.
8597495
He was probably complaining about it here because this story is porn and featured
8597585
Which has nothing to do with the story. We had a rash of this awhile back where you couldn't have clop that made featured without at least five angry or jealous authors showing up complaining about how clop got featured and their sparkling diamond of a story didn't, while typically also passive-aggressively insulting the story they were invading to complain about something unrelated to that particular story. Typically because they seemed to consider erotica as somehow not being worthy of attention when something they wrote was also up.
No amount of reasoning and logic, explaining how the system works, or how people work, how an audience works, stopped the same gamut of people from complaining on story after story after story.
It'd be nice if people learned from that and didn't start up again. That's all I've got to say on this. Not gonna clog up the comments.
8597476
Totally my phone's fault, but if it can make for a laugh I might as well let it be.
8596421
I want this
NOW
Another excellent installment! Now all that is left is the final confrontation between Twilight and Rainbow (with Starlight as a audience).
3/3 fics I've read from you, and all of them fantastic narratives with good wordplay. Almost makes me think you're a veteran at this and just having a fresh start with a new account. Well, whatever it is, I don't mind if you keep writing such amazing stuff.
8595235
I'll toss in another 10 to find out that the next story is from Starlight's POV and she's been stuck to Twily's keyhole ever since her private study sessions started.
8601131
BONUS (optional): Split perspective with Rainbow Dash on the cloud outside, and find out that she's even more turned on by being caught than just by watching
Twilight should have teleported on top of Rainbow
Mooooar
Fantastic!
I'm disturbed by how much I'm appreciating this series.
Man this is great stuff here. That I'm genuinely not sure if Starlight picked up or not makes it all the better.
With that said, I guess I'll join in the comment section nitpicks.
I think you want "complementing" there.
First of all, story image.
Twi so thicc and cute.
Now, I read. Pardon.
8596421
I'm not sure that counts as a "conspiracy theory", since Starlight isn't conspiring with anypony. It is, however an interesting idea.
8780637
I just thought "conspiracy theory" would sound funny and/or silly...
Of course, napping.
Ok so here is my review of “Private study time” and also “Vantage point” and “They finally fuck” as it is all one story. Overall I liked it. This was a lot of fun to read. Way more fun than the other weird my little pony porn story I read earlier.
You defiantly got the comedy part of this down. I think good comedy is the most important part of something like this. It was hilarious that Rainbow Dash felt absolutely zero genuine guilt or remorse for being such a creep. It was also fun that twilight enjoyed putting on a show for rainbow. I also really love the cover art.
The only thing I think could be improved is the confrontation between the two. Instead of them doing weird sex stuff right away I think it would be more fun and dramatic if twilight used more psychological warfare against rainbow. Rainbow being freaked out about being caught and possibly ruining her friendship was a fun moment and I think twilight would have known that rainbow would feel this way and could use this to her advantage. Maybe twilight could have been even meaner. I would have written something like this:
“How could you DO this to me rainbow? I thought you were my friend! You violated me! I will never be able to be alone now without fear of someone watching me! You are sick rainbow! SICK! … And I never want to see you again.” She slowly walks out of the room and shuts the door behind her.
She listens to rainbow sobbing from the other side of the door. Her plan worked perfectly just as she had predicted. Rainbow dash sounds super miserable. Twilight almost feels bad for doing this to her friend. Almost. Suddenly she can’t take it anymore. She needs rainbow NOW! She bursts through the door and jumps on rainbow dash kissing her full on the lips.
But what you did works too I guess. And I did like the ending where twilight was like “you can spy on me anytime!” it was very funny and a little bit cute.
Now you review my story? That’s how this works right? My story kind of continues the theme of “ponies having secrets” but in my story it isn’t a sex thing.