... lets try this again shall we? (edited) ((the reason for all the dislikes is because the first verson sucked. it's better now.))
The four survivors, Coach, Ellis, Rochelle and Nick, were going to retrive some fuel for their friend, Virgil's boat to take them to the city of New Orleans. Unfortunetly, the 'Infected' have other plans. After a large hurricane, the four survivors end up in a bright and cheerful place that seems like they have no zombies...
right?
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I like this.
damn
this failed.
10 dislikes yet only 1 non-author comment.
Something is amiss here.
Alrighty, Let's see if I can help you figure out why this failed.
1. Points are yours for having little to no spelling and grammar errors.
2. Backstory. I have NO idea what the heck is going on. I know that it's a zombie apocalypse and that these humans are fighting them, but thats it. I know nothing about them but their names. I don't know what they look like. I don't know anything that makes me want to relate to them. If you don't detail and give your characters personalities, the audience can't really care about them. Because I know nothing, I have no reason to care if they live or die. Work on that.
3. Describe. Explain where they are. What part of the U.S. are they in? I(I assume that their in the U.S.) What's it like around them? I'm a visual reader, so I want to be able to see what's going on.
4. I really didn't understand how they were transported to Equestria. Might want to check that over.
5. I don't care if it's at the end of the chapter, the humans should have had a more appropriate response to seeing Applejack. If I saw a talking pony, I would more then likely flip out.
Final grade: C+
This story isn't lost. Work on your details, give a backstory and try to imagine being there. What would truly happen in this sort of situation? Do that, and this story has hope. Sorry this is a short one. Hopefully another member from my group can help you a little more.
From a brony just like you
twow443, TWE's Knight in Training.
1552780
its supposed to be durring the hard rain finally.
i thought the hurricane and burger tank would sort of make that clear
maybe i could edit this and try again
What's up, writer? This is UnweptSchlipps, giving you my two cents on the situation at hand.
Ah yes, a Left 4 Dead crossover. When adding zombies into the mix of technicolor ponies, you're treading on thin ice. I should know, I've written a L4D crossover myself. And by doing this, you've given yourself quite an added burden.
On a site like this, you gotta cater to the fans of both Left 4 Dead and MLP. I'm telling you this because the main characters (NIck, Ellis, Rochelle, Coach) are like cardboard cutouts so far. Sure, people who have played the game know what you're talking about. But what about the ones who haven't played the game, and have decided to check out a good zombie fic? You're leaving them in the dust. Describe what the characters look like, give a bit of backstory as to how they got to where they are. Give them individuality, give them personality. That way, people can get a good picture of what's happening without ever having to pick up a copy of the game.
Same thing with your location. Don't just assume the readers know what Burger Tank and Hard Rain is. Tell them that the survivors are in a rural swamp town in Mississippi. Describe just how desolate the place is. Describe...well...whatever there is to see, really. Don't lose your readers in the first chapter, otherwise they'll lose interest and downvote you right off the bat. First impressions are everything, after all.
So to summarize, crossovers can be really hard to do. When you've got two fanbases riding on your back, it can get really hard to figure out how to make both sides work. Especially when you've got characters used to killing hordes of zombie beasts...and cute, cuddly little ponies. It can work I suppose, I've seen it done before. Just keep experimenting until you find a way to seamlessly blend the two. With some reworking, perhaps you can salvage this fic.
Best of wishes
~Schlippy
TWE Reviewer, Derpy Trainwreck Trash Pail Person, and Resident Bowtie Enthusiast
you people...
you have aided me
and i give you my thanks
the editing has begun...
... the editing is complete
1553833 My point was, when you write you need to assure not everyone knows what you mean. Thanks for taking my advice well.
ok...
is the edited version ny better at explaining?
1556478I'm not sure, since I never saw the original, but I'm LOVING this!
1553903
Dude....believe it or not, I don't know what a Burger Tank is. I'm pretty Sure "Hard Rain" is the name of a stage, and I have no idea what the characters act like normally....and I LOVED it.
That is all.
ALLONS-Y!!!
so...
sucess?
...
I love this :D
so...
should i give chapter 2 a go?
Things are gonna pick up now, aren't they?
1564593
oh yeah, big time
let me think so my fav the hunter is going to die
1565053
it might, it might not.
but some of the spec infec will die, but not all of them
I like this.
Still liking this, please continue
i guess this is the first 'villian' chapter.
expect more in the future
why all the hate? i am loving this story
1610685
ver 1 sucked bad
this is ver 2
1610755 well, can i have some moar pleaze?
Yes..... MOAR!!!
a special thanks to Zoey.
this chapter would have taken longer with out her help.
(she is one of my cats btw)
1631443
i wonder why this is getting down voted...
but still good chapter as always
but this getting downvoted...
pigroll.com/img/that_really_rustled_my_jimmies.jpg
I hate Jockeys...The hump happy bastards....
just one more like then i will finally call ths decent.
JUST ONE MORE GODDAMN LIKE!
1634472 I wish I could give ya an extra like. But I already gave you one. And don't worry, this is definetly better than decent.
...
*eye twich*
sigh,
f*kin trolls...
insperation is awesome
also, i have a idea that might put an interesting twist on the story
Oh shit, a Tank? Nice knowing ya, all of Ponyville.
I will thumbss-up cause this is interesting and getting it out of ze tie... also i would run at the tank and be all ninja and Dodge its arms and shove the molotive cocktail down its throat the jump off while its lglighting on fire... i hope you add that scene because that would make the character op(over powered)
1642724
...
i can't think of anyone whod be fast enough to pull that off.
unless...
1642830 nope just add like a ninja pony who comes out of nowhere (not rd) takes the Molotov cocktail and does all that then disappears into the shadows and every time its something they can't handle he shows up or don't do it at all
If the Tank makes it to Canterlot, I'm sure there will be enough firepower between all of the Guards to take at least one Tank.
4 9 19 3 15 18 4
use the numbers of the alphabet to figure it out
solve and
please do not write the awnser in the comments.
1655378 Nice. Took me a second to figure out.
something tells me that this is one of those 'you like it or you hate it' sort of things.
oh well.
sorry if this chapter did not meet expectations.
its mostly filler for the next chapter
1655378 4 9 19 3 15 18 4 discord
1671289
(it's a secret to everyone)
I did not see the first version...
Well better start reading, hope it's as good as it looks
-Kiryu
So he's attacking a smoker, a witch, a jockey, boomer, and tank at the same time... with a frying pan... THAT NIGGA HAS BALLS MAN!
1696446
he has help.
still...
1696484 he may have help but still he's attackingg them all with a frying pan
1696532
indeed he is
"that... was for Bill!"
Left 4 Dead 2 'the Passing' Louis upon killing a Tank with the heavy machine gun.