Chapter 5
What did I do?
To say Trailing Ivy was stupefied would be an understatement. The date had gone on without a hitch, they both had an amazing time...
Yet she had dashed off into her house, in tears.
A crushing sense of failure dulled Ivy's mind. The only mare that ever had shown interest, let alone kissed him, had just left him alone.
Maybe all those jabs from his childhood were right.
His hooves began to move on their own, taking him to a familiar place of refuge. It wasn't too long of a walk, only about fifteen minutes, but soon he bumped into the door of a familiar house.
Literally.
THUD
The door opened, and a white-blue blur tacked the pony to the ground.
“Hey Ivy!”
His stupor of mind broken, Ivy couldn't help but smile and hug his sister back.
“Hey Sparking Snow. Haven't seen you for a while.”
Letting her brother back onto his feet, Snow led them both into her home. Being one of the few pegusi who actually lived on the ground, Snow had decorated her home with enchanted cloud furniture, to imitate the in-the-clouds feel. Her light blue mane swished as she sat in a poofy couch, nodding to a large armchair.
“Well, sit down! What brings you here on such short notice?”
There was a pause, and Ivy seemed suddenly very focused on the floor.
“Well...erm....”
Snow's eyes widened.
“Sweet fireflies Ivy, did you get yourself a marefriend?”
His ears shot straight up at that question.
“Well, yes...wait what? How did you know?”
Letting out a bubbly laugh, Snow tossed a bit of cloud at Ivy's head, which poofed into oblivion on impact.
“Mare's intuition. But congratulations! I have to say, you were the LAST pony I expected to get a marefriend anytime soon!”
“Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence sis.”
Seeing the jesting comment had hit home, Snow threw another cloud at her brother's head.
“Hey, I was just kidding. Seriously though, is she pretty?”
Ivy nodded, and his eyes unfocused slightly.
Yep. He had a marefriend for sure.
“The prettiest, in my opinion.”
“And her name is...?”
“Roseluck.”
Snow tapped the sofa with a hoof thoughtfully.
“Hmm. I think I bought some roses from her a while back. Seemed rather nice. So, what seems to be the trouble?”
Ivy related the date to his sister, blushing despite his best efforts when mentioning their kiss.
“Ok, well, did she seem shaky at all? A bit freaked out beforehand?”
Ivy shrugged slightly, searching through his memory.
“Well, she seemed a bit nervous here and there.”
“Is she as inexperienced with relationships as you are?”
Ivy just stared at his sister for a moment.
“What? I can be blunt and serious when I want to be! And your answer is-?”
“Yes. I'm her first coltfriend, as far as I know.”
A pillow of cloud then hit him in the face.
“I think I know what's going on. She's just terrified that you won't like her anymore, simply put.”
The completely stunned expression on Ivy's face was almost comical.
“But...I really like her. A lot.”
Ivy's gaze fell to his hooves as he fiddled with a bit of cloud.
“A lot more than I realize...I think.”
The chair moved suddenly, sending him out onto the floor. Thankfully he caught his footing just in time, glaring at Snow, who had sent him flying.
“Don't tell me that! Go tell her! The sooner the better!”
Ivy was about to race out the door, but stopped, first going over to his sister and wrapping her up in a hug.
“Thanks Snow, for being my sis.”
She returned the hug, then shoving him towards the door.
“Anytime bro. Go get her! You have to tell her, no matter what.”
Any faster and Snow would have thought her brother had sprouted wings.
Making it to his and Rose's house in record time, Ivy wasted no time in rapping at her door.
No answer.
He tried again, but again, no response.
'You have to tell her, no matter what.'
Well, it was all or nothing. He took a deep breath and opened the door, Snow's words echoing in his mind. Ivy heard some faint noises from the bedroom, which then resolved into a voice as he got closer, words echoing out between sobs.
“I'm such a fool. Why did I even bother? How could he like me, especially after making such a fool of myself! Alone...I'll just live my life, and probably die alone. Why-”
“That. Is not true.”
Roseluck's head snapped up at the sound of Ivy's voice. No sooner had Rose scrambled back onto her four hooves, than she felt his arms wrap tightly around her, rocking her back and forth.
“Ivy, what are you-”
A hoof on the lips stopped any further conversation, the kiss that followed even moreso.
Rose had no idea it was possible to go from being so sad, to so amazingly happy in but a few short moments. Somehow, Ivy's kiss made every doubt, every silly thought that had been hounding her, just flee and disappear.
Breaking this kiss to get a breath of air (no matter how much he wished otherwise,) Ivy brushed a few rogue strands of Rose's mane from her eyes.
“Rose. Please, never, ever think I don't like you. Ok?”
She nodded, enjoying every second his hooves pulled her close into another hug.
“Ivy, I just couldn't think straight! I was so nervous I just thought-”
Rose's simply heart melted as she saw the overwhelming compassion in Ivy's eyes. He really did care about her...
“If you ever feel like that again, please, just tell me. I really don't want to see you like that again. I just want you to be happy, ok?”
Rose closed her eyes briefly, nuzzling Ivy's fur as she took a shaky breath.
“Ok. I promise.”
Ivy didn't know how long to keep Rose wrapped up in a hug, and didn't really care. The fact a mare actually liked him, and that he could be of such value to someone had his mind in a stupor. One single thought encompassed all the joy he felt, and the desire to make this one mare happy, no matter what.
'I love her.'
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Artie Downer · 5k words · 13 2 · 1.3k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.081 seconds
Total duration
1,041 users online
2,067,465 hits today, 2,970,782 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Yussssss, so freaking amazing! Thank you for the quick update. Can't wait for the next chapter. I'm so glad Ivy was able to pull it together.
Achievement get
Fall in love
Still loveing this story keep up the good work
Such a heart warming story. 10 points.
I dont remember anypony named "Rockluck",
So maybe Roseluck?
Anyway, great as always! Keep up the good work!
1843463 Fixed it. Well at least its a small mistake.
Zero dislikes thus far? Quite interesting, though I may have just jinxed it. Though I will not be the one to dislike it, I cannot say I liked it; it's okay from what I've read. Per request for the WRITE group, I, their local nerd Missy, shall give you my thoughts and critiques. *pushes up glasses* Here we go.
I'd like to do a section of this review on a particular part: the first chapter, the introduction to a story. The introduction is significant, what makes readers want to read more or head back to the home page for other stories. And yet, I don't feel quite as interested as you want a reader to, and that's a problem.
I guess in order to make this more interesting, you could have given us a better idea of this character. You know, bring him to life. We know far less about him than Roseluck, who is a mere background pony. Granted, from what I read throughout, he seems like a good character, flawed and all. However, his personality is not so much the problem.
You could have given us more of his daily routine of the morning—basically, a bit more into his life. We kind of just see him doing what he does mundanely—gardening—and suddenly, we see him looking at Roseluck. It just places us right into the plot, which isn't that great of an idea. Normally, a writer needs to set up something to start us off before sending us right in; sometimes you don't need to, depending on the plot itself, but in this case, it is very much recommended, mostly because we do not know a thing about this character. The main problem is, again, that we do not know this chararacter, so we don't care about his crush or anything that goes on with him. You have to guide us, in a way, to get a good idea of what he is like, his life, his likes and dislikes, everything! And therefore, we can like him. And if we like him, we can enjoy his antics as he asks this mare on a date and going on it.
As for the spacing, I would either recommend double spacing or use the button in the far right corner above the document to space it out. It's not always needed, but here, I feel like everything is clumped together without it. But that could just be me.
Thoughts should be italicized, not in quotations. It makes it easier to tell if someone's speaking aloud or not.
Also, you seem to have a problem quite a few newer authors have. You seem to make a new paragraph for just about every sentence. In some chapters, this wasn't entirely the case, but keep in mind that that isn't always needed, because some sentences are fine alongside other ones, depending on what is going on. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it would be best to fix that up a bit. Let's have a really random look at one part in chapter three:
This very easily could be put into one paragraph, because it discusses the same thoughts the character is having.
Romance wise, it's good. It's sweet but not to the point of being sappy and cliché, so I'm not too bothered by it, except that since we do not know much about this character, we don't care about his relationship with Roseluck. But bring more of his character and story to life and it could go well.
And most important, a story needs conflict. I'm aware we're only in the fifth chapter (though for all we know, this could be a short story, but anyway), but things have gone quite slowly. All they have done is gone to random places to eat and mull over their feelings. And while we have a minor problem in the end of chapter four and in chapter five, it smooths over so quickly that it hardly counts. A story needs conflict in order to add more depth to it, or at least catch a reader's attention. So far, we feel as if nothing is going on, and that's because it is. A romance story is nice, but still, it's a story, so add in something to perk one's interest, such as some sort of drama between them (more than the misunderstanding already mentioned that ended too quickly). At this point, a reader has no clue where this is going, and their attention is forever lost as they venture to the home page for other fanfictions to read.
This story has potential. It's writing is otherwise fine, and the pacing for the most part is decent aside from what I said above. You just need to make things interesting from this point on, as well as the main character, and it will become better.
~Missy, WRITE's Resident Total Nerd
1852154 You're going to continue this amazing story, right? Please do. I really enjoyed it.
-Blitz
2179915 Yes I've just been very busy or distracted by other things and I also hit a wall when it comes to the plot. Sorry if it looks like I'm not going to continue.
2180340 Don't worry, I can wait.