The last thing Joseph could remember was the car crash. Now, he's lost in a small town with blurred memories of home, found by six colorful teenagers. Now, he is presented with a new chance to recreate his life, a life better than his reality.
I like Rose to she's one of my favorite background ponies standing proudly alongside Vinyll Scratch and Derpy. Now my only criticism is this………I have no criticism to say due to the amount of epicness I just read
I'm not entirely sure if this was featured or not. It might have been on the front page for most recently edited, but I never personally saw it on the featured list. I never look on the front page, though, so I'm not sure.
Other than the earlier stuff I mentioned that still applies...
1) Your first chapter title has a spelling error. It's prologue, not prolouge.
2) The first chapter's "Rarity is best pony" is a false flag, I know by your commentary that it is just you doing your self-insert here, but if this route is AJ-heavy, I'd think having it as an Applejack background on his phone would be better, but that's telling you how to write your fic, a no-no.
3) The nicknaming does get a little grating, and becomes clear that you're translating/forcing a non-pony work into the category the more people get introduced. In particular example, Braeburn (the apple) is named after an orchard named Braeburn, which is, in turn, the name of a person. He didn't need a nickname. Same with Octavia, even if it prompts a spiderman reference ("What, like Octavius?").
Again, breaking the "telling you how to write your fic" thing, but really, Rose, (no -luck needed,) Macintosh, Cherry Lee, Vinyl (I've seen it used), and probably a few more could all be singular names. It's really clear you're not writing for ponies as it is, and just using this as a sounding board for another fiction. You've got your readers' suspension of disbelief that a guy could telefrag himself into amnesia via random dimensional hopping, get abducted by a harem, sleep with one of them as if it were no big deal when she collects abused children, who are all friends despite vastly divergent personalities, get into a school with no one looking at them the slightest bit off for a teenager living on her lonesome "adopting" you, and you think our suspension of disbelief will shatter if their names are the pony names? If it's lasted this long, I think you could have your character named "Arcanis the Omnipotent, Lord of the Pits", an African-American ginger, and be a scientist/pilot/agriculture expert and you'd still keep suspension by this point for those who've bought the premise. (Though that particular character's nickname would be "Gary Stu the red-maned black alicorn". Be careful you don't become him, I'm seeing hints of it.)
4) Break in continuity: He is a fan of MLP at the onset, and this switches completely to a fan of a different series after. I do not know if this is on purpose or not, as none of his other memories have changed, only deleted.
5) Feel free to write about Rose as much as you'd like. As long as she maintains being "taken" by Brae, it can take some pressure off writing of Rarity, whom you do not seem to enjoy writing about. And I know you're not writing about her, you're writing about the Princess visual-novel character archetype, which Rarity very loosely approximates, keeping to a less-defined player like Rose would be more helpful. If anything, write more on Rose and/or Brae. In most VNs, if you start heavy into a route (AJ route), the other route-possibles tend to make fewer and fewer appearances, while secondary and tertiary character stay just as constant.
6) In just the most recent chapter, you used "[name] Replied" 14 times, "[name] explained" 5 times, "[name] exclaimed" 9 times, and yet... "[name] said" only... None times. You never directly used "[name] said". "[name] probably said" was used twice. Moaned was hardly ever used, but the only times it was, it was directly once after the other. Mix it up a bit. Also, don't be afraid of not saying "[name] [synonym for "said"]". In example:
"Heya Raven!" I laughed at Pinkie's squeaky voice, clearly she was taking some helium from all those balloons. "I have a super party for people who correct others on the internet!"
Contrast:
"Heya Raven!" Pinkie squeaked, clearly she had been taking some helium from all those balloons. "I have a super par-- oh, just see above."
Use the first sparingly, but it adds diversity to the flow of the narrative when utilized in moderation.
I love it. Thank you for your commentary. Just to clear up some issues, Joseph isn't supposed to know he's in Equestria, which is why his interest change as he lost his memory. Also, he's not really in an alternate dimension per se. He's still in a coma. I'll make sure to make that more clear in the next chapter. This is pretty much his mind creating a world for him to live in. I'll go more in depth on my commentary in a few hours, it's hard to reply while in sitting in my government class. But thank you, commentary like that is the commentary that I love to get :)
Allright, im here. Let me give some more in depth resposes.
1. Shall be fixed. Thanks for that. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it before.
2. I see, I never really thought about that scene having any sort of memorable impact. I'll consider changing it. However, as a note, it's not like Rarity is all that bad *wink wink spoilers wink wink*
3. Just commenting on "You've got your readers' suspension of disbelief that a guy could telefrag himself into amnesia via random dimensional hopping, get abducted by a harem, sleep with one of them as if it were no big deal when she collects abused children, who are all friends despite vastly divergent personalities, get into a school with no one looking at them the slightest bit off for a teenager living on her lonesome "adopting" you, and you think our suspension of disbelief will shatter if their names are the pony names?" I said this in my previous comment, but this isn't really dimension hopping. This dimension doesn't actually exist, but is rather the fabrication of his mind as he is in a coma. This is why most of his classes are exactly the same as home, because that's the reality his mind has fixed him with. It's pony themed because he was really into ponies. However, his mind is kind of like "Let's not have him know that it's ponies he's in right now", hence the continuity "error." He's not neccesarily abducted. It's more like "Hey, this guy is sick and alone, we're six girls without better judgement, let's take him in and make him better." The vastly different personalities thing has been an issue with me in the main pony series, but this IS a pony story, so relevance has to happen. "Sleeping with", in the context that I'm assuming you're using it in, doesn't happen yet. He's sleeping on Twilight's couch while she takes care of him. Spike isn't really abused nor is Twilight collecting. It'll be discussed more over the next few chapters why Spike exists. Also, the independence thing is a bit irky too, especially for a teenager, but once again, it's a matter of staying canon with ponies.
I'm not ranting or saying "lol ur wrong", just clearing up things that maybe weren't so clear due to the incompleteness of the story. I do find that keeping the sense of belief in this story is a difficult task, a task that I'll sometimes mess up on. It does seem very easy to slip into "Here's Kawata Shoujo but let's call Hanako Fluttershy and we're all better.", which is something I'm trying to avoid. My main goal for the setting is to make it a completely believable place, as if Joseph is living right at home, but it's not home. The names make it easier to achieve that, but I do agree that maybe I should use the nicknames more often (Granted, it's a character trait that Joseph doesn't like the nicknames, but character development can happen too owo).
4. Discussed in the previous comment. It's pretty much just so readers will see that he was a fan of MLP, but he's unaware of MLP's existance in this fabrication that he's living in.
5. Note taken. I do seem to be writing a LOT about Rose, mostly because I like her as a characer. Rarity is supposed to be Rarity, but I might be overemphasizing her self-centeredness (and I've also had issues writing about Rarity with Breaking Boundaries.). I don't neccesarily dislike writing for Rarity, but I'm painting her as a character that shouldn't be liked. She has a huge impact in the story, though. I do see your point, and will make changes towards it. But yeah, at least for this "path", she's going to maintain being Braeburn's playmate. I'll also move Rose away from being "Braeburn was really mean to me let's talk to Joseph about it", mostly because that'll make it WAY too easy to derail the entire story. AJ development needs to be a priority, though, thanks for re-awakening me on that.
6. Agreed. 100% agreed. Do you have any other words that would be helpful to use as speaking words besides the ones that I used? I'll be sure to use said more often, but my vocabulary isn't always stellar, and it'd be nice to learn a few more words :3.
Thanks for being harsh, I sincerely appreciate it. That's how the story will get better.
Chapter 4 will be up within the next few days. I'm auditioning for a college this weekend and I'm not sure how active I'll be online over those days. It's about halfway done at the moment. Thank you.
Also, I made the descision to change the rating of this to Teen. This was after commentary from multiple people that other than references, this isn't really graphic (yet, at least, and it won't be for a VERY long time. Graphic scenes will ALWAYS be kept as optional and put in separate subchapters.). If it's better as mature, please tell me ASAP.
This is also to reach out to more viewers and make it more appealing to what I truly want to make this. Many people see mature as just clopfic, which this is not in the slightest.
"Mature" really is two things: Sex tag, or Gore tag. I've only seen maybe two fics that are Mature that merit the Mature tag that do neither (one a very heavy psychological darkfic, the other... The same, actually), so I'd say Teen is for now, but at the same time, you probably actually get more eyes coming on the fic through people viewing the Mature tag and clicking View Later on half the stuff than otherwise, because to be seen after initial release, you've kinda basically have some tags people will be searching, and "humanized" often isn't one of them. At the moment, though, Teen is more appropriate.
To respond to your above posts a little bit:
Re: Spike: I know he isn't, you know he isn't, but the main character's views by your descriptions makes Spike out to be an abused child. The mature tag exasperates this issue, since there's no sexuality, you're looking for Dark subliminally. And it wouldn't be totally unheard of; I have a cousin who, at 15, adopted a kid that was being abused by their parents (though her own parents filed the paperwork), so Twilight doing that wouldn't be completely impossible. It was a reasonable hypothesis.
And hypotheses are an issue: You have the Curse of Knowledge: We do not have knowledge (of the plot). You do. We must make far-reaching assumptions based on the givens, while you have a clear picture (hopefully ) in your mind and are aiming for that, but in all likelihood, we will read it a different way. Just be careful of that.
Katawa Shoujo was pretty good. Try Kana if you haven't yet. Very emotional VN.
Writing Rarity: The problem is people either make her too much one side, or too much the other. Though it was a load of hooey, she still did embody the Element of Generosity, and Greed!Rarity was discorded, though most people seem to think that her default state (like how Twilight is heartbroken, Fluttershy is mean, Applejack's a liar... Only Discorded!Rarity people seem to think is canon...) She's a pretty princess, yes, but she's a princess who buried herself completely (breathing through a straw?) in manure-ridden mud and scarfed down a pie in one bite for her sister. Who made designer outfits at cost for the others (cosplayers know the value in that one). Her first instinct is to help (she insisted on solving Twilight's aesthetic problems before even knowing she was influential in the pilot episodes). And the biggest difference between the annoying princess and Rarity is... Rewatch "A Dog and Pony Show": She is expected to be a bit annoying, because she likes to stay perfect... And she immediately abuses that fact to enslave her captors, using the very thing people think she embodies as a feint in order to achieve higher goals. It is all coldly calculated whining, not some reactive breakdown. Of the mane 6, she is likely second-smartest, and probably on par with Applejack for work ethic (both in season 1 work themselves nearly to death out of foalish pride), and must have quite the reserve of patience and kindness to, unlike others who just "meet up" whenever the group is there, she regularly ensures Fluttershy gets out of her house and experiences other ponies, in town! You can keep your focus on her flaws if you wish, but even just reminding folks of her positive traits can make a difference in writing.
I probably have more to say, but I've got a collab fic to work on before February!
I see! Thanks so much once again for you're writing. Rarity has always been one of my favorite characters, so I'd be more than happy to revisit her episodes to re-understand her character to make it better :3.
Chapter 4 is complete. This was finished after the commentary given, so plot suggestions haven't really been included yet, nor has Rarity's traits (which I will include in the next chapter). As soon as my editor gets to it (She was supposed to yesterday, but she dissapeared for some reason.), I'll publish it.
I like Rose to she's one of my favorite background ponies standing proudly alongside Vinyll Scratch and Derpy.
Now my only criticism is this………I have no criticism to say due to the amount of epicness I just read
Strickland. (Thinks of King of the Hill)
Heheheheh. Propane.
not to bad
Or unless you make her hate your guts than its gonna be a bad year.
Whoops pessimism!
1975981
Funny thing is that actually happened to me this year, lol
impressive, next time look over it again for punctuation, grammar, etc. other than that, it's looking good my friend!
TWI path and I find it funny how My name is Josef (yes spelt that way) And I act just about the same way as him...
1989006
Thanks for your commentary!
I'm not entirely sure if this was featured or not. It might have been on the front page for most recently edited, but I never personally saw it on the featured list. I never look on the front page, though, so I'm not sure.
Other than the earlier stuff I mentioned that still applies...
1) Your first chapter title has a spelling error. It's prologue, not prolouge.
2) The first chapter's "Rarity is best pony" is a false flag, I know by your commentary that it is just you doing your self-insert here, but if this route is AJ-heavy, I'd think having it as an Applejack background on his phone would be better, but that's telling you how to write your fic, a no-no.
3) The nicknaming does get a little grating, and becomes clear that you're translating/forcing a non-pony work into the category the more people get introduced. In particular example, Braeburn (the apple) is named after an orchard named Braeburn, which is, in turn, the name of a person. He didn't need a nickname. Same with Octavia, even if it prompts a spiderman reference ("What, like Octavius?").
Again, breaking the "telling you how to write your fic" thing, but really, Rose, (no -luck needed,) Macintosh, Cherry Lee, Vinyl (I've seen it used), and probably a few more could all be singular names. It's really clear you're not writing for ponies as it is, and just using this as a sounding board for another fiction. You've got your readers' suspension of disbelief that a guy could telefrag himself into amnesia via random dimensional hopping, get abducted by a harem, sleep with one of them as if it were no big deal when she collects abused children, who are all friends despite vastly divergent personalities, get into a school with no one looking at them the slightest bit off for a teenager living on her lonesome "adopting" you, and you think our suspension of disbelief will shatter if their names are the pony names? If it's lasted this long, I think you could have your character named "Arcanis the Omnipotent, Lord of the Pits", an African-American ginger, and be a scientist/pilot/agriculture expert and you'd still keep suspension by this point for those who've bought the premise. (Though that particular character's nickname would be "Gary Stu the red-maned black alicorn". Be careful you don't become him, I'm seeing hints of it.)
4) Break in continuity: He is a fan of MLP at the onset, and this switches completely to a fan of a different series after. I do not know if this is on purpose or not, as none of his other memories have changed, only deleted.
5) Feel free to write about Rose as much as you'd like. As long as she maintains being "taken" by Brae, it can take some pressure off writing of Rarity, whom you do not seem to enjoy writing about. And I know you're not writing about her, you're writing about the Princess visual-novel character archetype, which Rarity very loosely approximates, keeping to a less-defined player like Rose would be more helpful. If anything, write more on Rose and/or Brae. In most VNs, if you start heavy into a route (AJ route), the other route-possibles tend to make fewer and fewer appearances, while secondary and tertiary character stay just as constant.
6) In just the most recent chapter, you used "[name] Replied" 14 times, "[name] explained" 5 times, "[name] exclaimed" 9 times, and yet... "[name] said" only... None times. You never directly used "[name] said". "[name] probably said" was used twice. Moaned was hardly ever used, but the only times it was, it was directly once after the other. Mix it up a bit. Also, don't be afraid of not saying "[name] [synonym for "said"]". In example:
"Heya Raven!" I laughed at Pinkie's squeaky voice, clearly she was taking some helium from all those balloons. "I have a super party for people who correct others on the internet!"
Contrast:
"Heya Raven!" Pinkie squeaked, clearly she had been taking some helium from all those balloons. "I have a super par-- oh, just see above."
Use the first sparingly, but it adds diversity to the flow of the narrative when utilized in moderation.
Hey, you wanted harsh.
I love it. Thank you for your commentary. Just to clear up some issues, Joseph isn't supposed to know he's in Equestria, which is why his interest change as he lost his memory. Also, he's not really in an alternate dimension per se. He's still in a coma. I'll make sure to make that more clear in the next chapter. This is pretty much his mind creating a world for him to live in. I'll go more in depth on my commentary in a few hours, it's hard to reply while in sitting in my government class. But thank you, commentary like that is the commentary that I love to get :)
2007065
Allright, im here. Let me give some more in depth resposes.
1. Shall be fixed. Thanks for that. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it before.
2. I see, I never really thought about that scene having any sort of memorable impact. I'll consider changing it. However, as a note, it's not like Rarity is all that bad *wink wink spoilers wink wink*
3. Just commenting on "You've got your readers' suspension of disbelief that a guy could telefrag himself into amnesia via random dimensional hopping, get abducted by a harem, sleep with one of them as if it were no big deal when she collects abused children, who are all friends despite vastly divergent personalities, get into a school with no one looking at them the slightest bit off for a teenager living on her lonesome "adopting" you, and you think our suspension of disbelief will shatter if their names are the pony names?" I said this in my previous comment, but this isn't really dimension hopping. This dimension doesn't actually exist, but is rather the fabrication of his mind as he is in a coma. This is why most of his classes are exactly the same as home, because that's the reality his mind has fixed him with. It's pony themed because he was really into ponies. However, his mind is kind of like "Let's not have him know that it's ponies he's in right now", hence the continuity "error." He's not neccesarily abducted. It's more like "Hey, this guy is sick and alone, we're six girls without better judgement, let's take him in and make him better." The vastly different personalities thing has been an issue with me in the main pony series, but this IS a pony story, so relevance has to happen. "Sleeping with", in the context that I'm assuming you're using it in, doesn't happen yet. He's sleeping on Twilight's couch while she takes care of him. Spike isn't really abused nor is Twilight collecting. It'll be discussed more over the next few chapters why Spike exists. Also, the independence thing is a bit irky too, especially for a teenager, but once again, it's a matter of staying canon with ponies.
I'm not ranting or saying "lol ur wrong", just clearing up things that maybe weren't so clear due to the incompleteness of the story. I do find that keeping the sense of belief in this story is a difficult task, a task that I'll sometimes mess up on. It does seem very easy to slip into "Here's Kawata Shoujo but let's call Hanako Fluttershy and we're all better.", which is something I'm trying to avoid. My main goal for the setting is to make it a completely believable place, as if Joseph is living right at home, but it's not home. The names make it easier to achieve that, but I do agree that maybe I should use the nicknames more often (Granted, it's a character trait that Joseph doesn't like the nicknames, but character development can happen too owo).
4. Discussed in the previous comment. It's pretty much just so readers will see that he was a fan of MLP, but he's unaware of MLP's existance in this fabrication that he's living in.
5. Note taken. I do seem to be writing a LOT about Rose, mostly because I like her as a characer. Rarity is supposed to be Rarity, but I might be overemphasizing her self-centeredness (and I've also had issues writing about Rarity with Breaking Boundaries.). I don't neccesarily dislike writing for Rarity, but I'm painting her as a character that shouldn't be liked. She has a huge impact in the story, though. I do see your point, and will make changes towards it. But yeah, at least for this "path", she's going to maintain being Braeburn's playmate. I'll also move Rose away from being "Braeburn was really mean to me let's talk to Joseph about it", mostly because that'll make it WAY too easy to derail the entire story. AJ development needs to be a priority, though, thanks for re-awakening me on that.
6. Agreed. 100% agreed. Do you have any other words that would be helpful to use as speaking words besides the ones that I used? I'll be sure to use said more often, but my vocabulary isn't always stellar, and it'd be nice to learn a few more words :3.
Thanks for being harsh, I sincerely appreciate it. That's how the story will get better.
Chapter 4 will be up within the next few days. I'm auditioning for a college this weekend and I'm not sure how active I'll be online over those days. It's about halfway done at the moment. Thank you.
Also, I made the descision to change the rating of this to Teen. This was after commentary from multiple people that other than references, this isn't really graphic (yet, at least, and it won't be for a VERY long time. Graphic scenes will ALWAYS be kept as optional and put in separate subchapters.). If it's better as mature, please tell me ASAP.
This is also to reach out to more viewers and make it more appealing to what I truly want to make this. Many people see mature as just clopfic, which this is not in the slightest.
2009611
"Mature" really is two things: Sex tag, or Gore tag. I've only seen maybe two fics that are Mature that merit the Mature tag that do neither (one a very heavy psychological darkfic, the other... The same, actually), so I'd say Teen is for now, but at the same time, you probably actually get more eyes coming on the fic through people viewing the Mature tag and clicking View Later on half the stuff than otherwise, because to be seen after initial release, you've kinda basically have some tags people will be searching, and "humanized" often isn't one of them. At the moment, though, Teen is more appropriate.
To respond to your above posts a little bit:
Re: Spike: I know he isn't, you know he isn't, but the main character's views by your descriptions makes Spike out to be an abused child. The mature tag exasperates this issue, since there's no sexuality, you're looking for Dark subliminally. And it wouldn't be totally unheard of; I have a cousin who, at 15, adopted a kid that was being abused by their parents (though her own parents filed the paperwork), so Twilight doing that wouldn't be completely impossible. It was a reasonable hypothesis.
And hypotheses are an issue: You have the Curse of Knowledge: We do not have knowledge (of the plot). You do. We must make far-reaching assumptions based on the givens, while you have a clear picture (hopefully ) in your mind and are aiming for that, but in all likelihood, we will read it a different way. Just be careful of that.
And here's a toy for you: http://www.onelook.com/?loc=rz7&w=*&clue=say
It's a synonym dictionary. The current link on it is for 100 different words for "say".
Katawa Shoujo was pretty good. Try Kana if you haven't yet. Very emotional VN.
Writing Rarity: The problem is people either make her too much one side, or too much the other. Though it was a load of hooey, she still did embody the Element of Generosity, and Greed!Rarity was discorded, though most people seem to think that her default state (like how Twilight is heartbroken, Fluttershy is mean, Applejack's a liar... Only Discorded!Rarity people seem to think is canon...) She's a pretty princess, yes, but she's a princess who buried herself completely (breathing through a straw?) in manure-ridden mud and scarfed down a pie in one bite for her sister. Who made designer outfits at cost for the others (cosplayers know the value in that one). Her first instinct is to help (she insisted on solving Twilight's aesthetic problems before even knowing she was influential in the pilot episodes). And the biggest difference between the annoying princess and Rarity is... Rewatch "A Dog and Pony Show": She is expected to be a bit annoying, because she likes to stay perfect... And she immediately abuses that fact to enslave her captors, using the very thing people think she embodies as a feint in order to achieve higher goals. It is all coldly calculated whining, not some reactive breakdown. Of the mane 6, she is likely second-smartest, and probably on par with Applejack for work ethic (both in season 1 work themselves nearly to death out of foalish pride), and must have quite the reserve of patience and kindness to, unlike others who just "meet up" whenever the group is there, she regularly ensures Fluttershy gets out of her house and experiences other ponies, in town! You can keep your focus on her flaws if you wish, but even just reminding folks of her positive traits can make a difference in writing.
I probably have more to say, but I've got a collab fic to work on before February!
I see! Thanks so much once again for you're writing. Rarity has always been one of my favorite characters, so I'd be more than happy to revisit her episodes to re-understand her character to make it better :3.
Chapter 4 is complete. This was finished after the commentary given, so plot suggestions haven't really been included yet, nor has Rarity's traits (which I will include in the next chapter). As soon as my editor gets to it (She was supposed to yesterday, but she dissapeared for some reason.), I'll publish it.
Yay, I hope your collab fic goes nicely >w<~.
clueless dosen't even cut it