“Eyes On You”
Chapter eleven: Operation Rainbow Dash
Twilight wobbled about atop the concentrated cloud-stuff that made up Rainbow Dash's porch. Her new cloud-walking spell left a lot to be desired – her hooves kept sinking into the floor, and she worried that if she stood still for too long, she'd slip right through. But then again, unicorns weren't supposed to walk on clouds, and she had sort of thrown the spell together in a single evening...
'I'm probably lucky that it's working at all,' she thought with a gulp.
She managed to find her way up to the door – made, rather confusingly, of wood, rather than more clouds. She shook her head. She wasn't here to try and grasp the intricacies of pegasus magic. She was here to see Rainbow Dash.
Shifting in place uneasily, she brought up a hoof and rapped on the door.
“Come on up, 'Shy!” came Rainbow's voice from above. With a start, Twilight looked up, but there was nopony there. She took a few steps back and saw that there was an open window up on what must have been the first floor.
“I-It's not Fluttershy,” Twilight called back. “And I can't fly...”
A moment passed before a rainbow-maned head poked out through the window. Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrows when she caught sight of the unicorn on her porch. “Twi'?! What are you... How are you up here?”
Suddenly reminded that she was slipping again, Twilight quickly hopped to one side. She threw Rainbow a sheepish grin. “Um, magic. Could you come down here for a minute? I want to talk.”
Rainbow's mouth formed an 'o' and her brows creased as she watched Twilight stumble about. “Uh... are you really there, or am I still asleep?”
“Rainbow!”
“Alright, alright!” The pegasus jumped from her window and glided smoothly down to alight beside Twilight, throwing a seriously doubtful look at the unicorn's hooves as she did. “...Why are you dancing?”
Twilight felt her cheeks heating up. “I-It's part of the spell!” she lied.
“Well, stop it – it's creeping me out!” said Rainbow, striding forwards. Before Twilight could object, Rainbow unfurled a wing, held it up to her mouth and bit down on one of the feathers.
Twilight yelped and shut her eyes as Rainbow yanked out the plume. “Rainbow, what--”
She broke off with a start as something brushed against her ear. Craning open an eye, Twilight saw the sky blue pegasus stepping back and folding her wing again.
“There,” Rainbow said simply.
Curious as to why she was suddenly not sinking, Twilight lowered her head and brought a hoof up to feel around her ear. There was a perfectly smooth feather tucked behind it. She looked up at Rainbow slowly. “...Does that work?”
“For a few minutes,” said Rainbow off-hoofedly. “So, what'd you want to talk about?”
Twilight blinked. “...You can just... pull out one of your feathers and...”
Rainbow rolled her eyes, but Twilight noticed a twinge of red creeping onto her face. “Well, you don't do it for just anypony,” the pegasus muttered. “Anyway, like I said, it doesn't last long, so...”
“Right!” said Twilight, snapping back to reality. “Um, I was wondering if we could take a walk? You know, to the schoolhouse, rather than meeting up at the diner and going from there and... I mean, I know it's a little early and everything, but...” She trailed off, suddenly feeling very guilty – she'd just made Rainbow yank out one of her lovely feathers, after all...
“A walk?” Rainbow repeated, more surprised than sceptical. “Like... just us two? No Trixie?”
Twilight shook her head. “She's staying in today. I thought you and I could do with some time alone...”
Rainbow gulped obviously. “Y-You did?”
“Yeah. I mean, yesterday you flew off so fast that we didn't really have a chance to talk,” said Twilight, cocking her head to the side.
“Oh... right. Sorry about that,” said Rainbow, glancing away as she did. A moment later, she blinked and turned to smile over at Twilight. “But yeah, okay – a walk sounds good! Just, uh, give me a sec and I'll be right down, okay?”
Twilight nodded and returned the smile. As Rainbow took off on an energetic flight path and zoomed back in through her window, Twilight reached up to touch the feather again. She wondered why she'd never heard of that kind of gesture before – sharing pegasus magic by giving a plume. Maybe nopony knew? Maybe it was a pegasus secret? Or maybe only Rainbow Dash could do it? She'd have to do some research... another time.
In any case, it gave her a warm feeling of reassurance in her chest, to know that Rainbow had trusted her with one of her feathers. She made sure that it sat comfortably behind her ear before trotting towards the edge of the cloud.
Peering over the edge, she focused on the grassy hilltop far below and channelled magic into her horn. No sooner had she closed her eyes to blink than she found herself standing atop said hill. She smiled to herself. Even with official, pegasus cloud-walking magic to support her, it felt a whole lot better to be back on solid ground.
Rainbow Dash swooped down soon after, announcing that she was ready to go, and together they set off in the direction of the trail.
* * *
The late morning air was crisp and gentle – almost relaxing – as Twilight and Rainbow made their steady way towards the schoolhouse. But now that the two of them were this close, the questions weighing on Twilight's mind were starting to make her uncomfortable...
Rainbow cleared her throat. “So, uh, how's Trixie's leg doing?” she asked awkwardly. “Seemed a lot better yesterday.”
“It's healing up nicely,” Twilight granted with a frown. “Um... can we not talk about Trixie? If that's alright...”
Rainbow cast her a sidelong look and raised her eyebrows. “Oh, uh... sure--” She let out a breath, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, before smiling. “--Well, did you have something else in mind?”
Twilight gulped resolutely. “I want to talk about you,” she said. Well, that was a start...
“What about me?” said Rainbow, her smile wavering as she looked ahead.
“She told me what you said yesterday,” Twilight muttered. “About leaving...”
Rainbow gave a grunt. “I'll bet she did...”
Twilight quickened her pace to try and get ahead so that she could meet her friend's eyes properly. “I don't understand, Rainbow. Is it something Trixie said to you? Or--” She hesitated. “H-Have I done something?”
“Don't be dumb, Twi' – you haven't done anything wrong,” said Rainbow firmly.
Picking up on that, Twilight slid closer. “So it is Trixie? What did she say?”
“Thought we weren't talking about her?” Rainbow threw back defensively. During the silence that followed, she met Twilight's eyes and saw the frown on the lavender unicorn's face. Rainbow sighed. “No. It's not her fault. It's neither of you. I just... There're some stupid thoughts bouncing around in my head, you know? I just need some time away – a week or two – then I'll be back to normal...”
Somehow, that wasn't very reassuring...
“What kind of thoughts?” said Twilight.
Rainbow huffed again. “It's dumb. I'm not going to explain it... hay, I don't even know if I could explain it--”
“Try.”
Rainbow stopped in the middle of the trail, and Twilight had to swivel around to keep eye contact. She gave the purple unicorn a searching look, as if she was actually considering it.
“Come on,” Twilight pressed as an idea struck her. “You're Rainbow Dash! Since when don't you do something just because you're not sure you can do it?”
Rainbow glanced down at the ground in thought, then closed her eyes. “...Fine, you want to hear it?”
Twilight grunted her confirmation, which Rainbow seemed none too pleased by. The strangely-acting pegasus took a breath, snapped open her eyes and suddenly trotted onwards down the trail. Twilight hurried up alongside her.
As they walked on at a much brisker pace, Twilight waited patiently for Rainbow to continue. Pushing her like that wasn't easy, but Twilight really needed to know.
“You and Trixie,” said Rainbow slowly. “Seeing you two together is... I don't know – it's weird. It makes me feel all... itchy.”
“Itchy?” Twilight repeated.
'I'm sure the Nurse has some cream for that...'
“I said it was dumb!” Rainbow threw back. “That's the only way I can describe it.”
“So, you're saying you feel uncomfortable when Trixie and I are hanging out?” said Twilight. “Like yesterday?”
Rainbow shook her head. “No, that just makes me sound like a jerk. I'm not asking you to stop seeing her or anything, I just...” She trailed off.
Twilight racked her brain. She knew she could figure out what the problem was if she thought hard enough. With all the books she'd read on psychology, the solution had to be up there somewhere.
Then her face lit up. “You're jealous!” she cried, with a lot more cheer than was appropriate. That became doubly obvious when Rainbow opened her mouth to retort, closed it again and turned away, her cheeks reddening.
With a quick cough to clear her throat, Twilight subdued her voice to a normal level. “S-Sorry. But that's it, isn't it? You're jealous that I'm spending so much time with her.”
“Could you not call it that, please?” Rainbow muttered, a barb obvious in her tone. But that pretty much confirmed it.
Twilight's elation quickly left her. Had she really been spending so much time with Trixie that she was neglecting her other friends? Did they have reason to be jealous of Trixie? Did everypony else feel that way too?
“Twilight, don't freak out,” Rainbow warned, obviously noticing the panicked look in her eye. It was too late for that...
Twilight stopped in the middle of the trail, a fourth and much more disturbing question worming its way to the front of her mind. She turned to Rainbow and her heart started to beat faster. “A-Am I a bad friend?”
“Twilight!” A hoof on her cheek and a firm voice calling her name snapped her out of it before she could descend further into her panic. Rainbow leant close so that their snouts were all but touching. “Don't. Freak. Out.”
Their eyes remained locked for the longest few seconds of Twilight's life. The anxiety slowly started to melt away, and her heart rate gradually slowed back down to normal.
Twilight let out a breath. “...Right,” she managed, nodding to herself. “Right. I'm sorry, that was silly...”
Rainbow gave her a half-amused sort of smile. “No, that was you being an egghead. Don't sweat it.”
Twilight couldn't convince herself not to 'sweat it' though – and not just because Rainbow was so close that it was starting to get uncomfortably warm. Pulling back the tiniest amount, Twilight tried to think objectively. “E-Even if I haven't been a bad friend, I definitely haven't been a good one to you...” she began.
Rainbow sighed and pulled back her hoof. “Don't talk like that, Twi'.”
“What can I do? Do you want us to spend more time together? I can find time, I swear--”
“No,” said Rainbow, turning and starting down the trail again.
“I could come and watch you practise more often!” Twilight tried, hurrying after her.
“No need – we're cool.”
“Or I could keep you company when you have to get up early to clear the sky!”
“Seriously, it's fine.”
Desperate now, Twilight cast about for something meaningful. Without thinking, she latched on to the first thing that sprang to mind. “...I'll come to Cloudsdale with you!”
Rainbow stopped dead, as did Twilight. The pegasus looked over, surprise clear on her face. “D-Don't be stupid!”
Twilight stared resolutely back. Thinking about it, there was no reason that she couldn't go to Cloudsdale with Rainbow and be back in time for the Display, if she was only going for a couple of weeks. It would be a lot of work to come up with an effective cloud-walking spell that would work for that amount of time, but if it meant saving her friendship...
“I'll find a way!” said Twilight firmly.
Rainbow blinked. Silence fell between them as Twilight eagerly awaited her friend's response for what felt like forever.
“...You really would, wouldn't you?” muttered Rainbow.
Twilight could only nod.
For her part, Rainbow's lips curled up into a smile and she took a step closer. “That means a lot, Twi', it seriously does. But listen to me – you don't need to make anything up to me. This is my problem. You haven't done anything wrong, I promise.”
Twilight's heart sank, even though she knew that Rainbow's smile and her words should have brought a little relief...
“I just don't want you to go. I don't understand...” she said hopelessly.
Rainbow closed her eyes for a moment. “Alright, answer me this, Twi'. You've got feelings for Trixie, right?”
Twilight bit her lip uncertainly. “F-Feelings?”
“You like her,” Rainbow deadpanned.
“Well... yes. I do, but--”
Rainbow opened her eyes. “As more than a friend?”
It took a few moments for the words to sink in, and even then, Twilight didn't fully grasp their meaning. Somehow, she was fairly sure that Rainbow wasn't talking about the two of them becoming partners in the Display. “I-I... W... She...”
Twilight continued to stammer as she watched Rainbow chuckle, silent and mirthless. The words wouldn't come, but that was no surprise – she wasn't sure what she was trying to say in the first place.
“Yeah, that's what I thought,” said Rainbow, still smiling as honestly as before. “I get it. And don't worry, I'm not going to tell anypony--”
'Tell anypony what?!' Twilight wondered, starting to feel exasperated.
“--But that's why I've got to go,” Rainbow continued. “If I stay here, I'm just going to get jealouser and jealouser until I do something stupid and uncool.”
“But--”
“Two weeks, Twi',” said Rainbow. “Probably less. Then I'll be back, we can hang out again and you two will be...” She hesitated and looked away. “You'll be... whatever. So don't worry, okay?”
“How can I not worry?” Twilight threw back.
Rainbow nodded towards Twilight's ear. “You've got that.”
“...What?”
“My feather.” Rainbow waved a hoof and smiled. “It's a complicated pegasus thing, it'd take forever to explain... Basically, giving somepony one of your feathers is... a promise--” She paused to curl her lip in thought. “It means... 'I've got your back'. Yeah, something like that. So, as long as you've got that, all you've got to do is call, and I'll come running.”
Twilight blinked and let out an surprised breath. “Really? ...And you just... gave this to me? Just like that?”
“Why not?” said Rainbow coolly. “We're friends, aren't we? Oh, and Fluttershy's got one too, so don't feel too special.” She smirked, but it wavered a moment later. “But, uh... feel kind of special... okay?”
Twilight opened her mouth, closed it again, then grunted as she reached up to make sure that the feather was still there. “I... I do. Thank you,” she muttered, giving Rainbow the first honest smile she'd managed that morning.
A promise like that was more than Twilight could've dared to hope for. If Rainbow could trust her with something so powerful, then she deserved Twilight's trust in return...
“Hey,” said Rainbow, laying a hoof on Twilight's fetlock. The lavender unicorn looked up to meet her smiling eyes. “We're going to be late if we don't get going.”
Twilight stared at her for the shortest of moments, before offering a smile and a nod. “Right. Let's go!”
* * *
Two hours later, Twilight laid in her bed, staring up at her ceiling and lost completely in her thoughts.
If she'd still held any doubt as to whether Rainbow was really going to be alright, it'd evaporated by the end of their school visit. The way she laughed, played and told her usual, madly embellished tales of past adventures with a true smile on her face was a refreshing sight. And when they'd parted outside the schoolhouse, Rainbow had left Twilight with one last, reassuring pat on the shoulder and a promise of “See ya soon.”
Yes – she was going to be alright.
But almost as soon as they'd parted, Twilight's mind had inevitably made its way back to other matters – to the unanswered question with which their talk had left her.
'Is Trixie more than a friend to me?'
The question didn't really make a lot of sense. What was 'more than a friend'? Friendship was friendship, wasn't it?
The dictionary that adorned the floor beside her bed hadn't held any answers, nor had the thesaurus that she'd just tossed in the general direction of her bedside table. She'd really just skimmed through them... and, for once, the prospect of re-reading them more thoroughly wasn't all too appealing. She was just too exhausted.
Twilight grabbed a pillow, hugged it to her chest and sighed. If there was one thing she knew, it was that laying here and trying to think would get her nowhere. And despite that thought nagging constantly at the back of her mind, she couldn't convince herself to get up.
Someone knocked at the door. Twilight still didn't budge. She wasn't really in the mood for entertaining visitors right now. The door was unlocked anyway, so whoever it was could come in if they really needed to.
“Twilight?” came Trixie's muffled voice. “Are you still in there?”
Twilight summoned her warmest voice. “What's up, Trixie?”
“...I'm bored,” came the abrupt reply. “What're you doing?”
Twilight gave a little chuckle-sigh. “Nothing. Just having a lie down – I'm kind of exhausted.”
There was a pause before Trixie spoke again. “I take it you don't want to go out and practise, then?”
A frown danced across Twilight's face. She just wasn't feeling up to it. “Maybe later?” she said hopefully.
“...Alright," said Trixie. For a fleeting moment, Twilight thought that was the end of it, but then Trixie's voice came again. “Can we at least go out for lunch? I'm starving.”
Twilight shook her head. “I'm... actually not feeling too well. Sorry. But Spike will make you something if you ask nicely.”
Trixie fell silent. Twilight waited a long while for a response, but none came. She imagined Trixie huffing and walking away down the staircase – her kind attempts to get Twilight out of bed thoroughly foiled--
The door clicked open.
'Or maybe not...'
“I'm coming in,” said Trixie. It wasn't a question.
Twilight didn't object – she didn't even bother getting up. This new, slothful laziness – especially so early in the afternoon – was uncomfortable to say the least. Maybe she was coming down with something?
She heard Trixie's hoofsteps coming up the smaller staircase within the room. They stopped for a moment as they reached the top, then started again, before finally coming to a complete stop at Twilight's bedside.
Not wanting to be rude, Twilight tilted her head a little so that she could meet Trixie's eyes. The azure unicorn was looking Twilight up and down, with a questioning look on her face. “You look ill,” she observed randomly.
Twilight conjured up her strongest smile – which turned out to be little more than a minor lip twitch. “I'll be okay,” she said. “It's just... like I said, I'm exhausted. I just need some sleep.”
Trixie nodded slowly, but she didn't move.
Twilight was about to make a subtle hint for her to leave, but abruptly stopped herself. She still had a question that needed answering, and the subject was right there in front of her... There was no harm in asking, was there?
Curling her lip, Twilight tried to think of the right way to word her thoughts. When she was finally satisfied, she rolled over onto her side, so that she was facing Trixie properly.
“Trixie... what are we?” she asked frankly.
The showmare blinked. “What?”
“W-What are we?” Twilight repeated, suddenly doubting that she'd chosen the best wording.
Trixie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head a little. “Um... unicorns?”
Twilight couldn't help but smile at that. “Well, yes,” she chuckled. “But I mean 'what are we', as in... our relationship.”
“Oh,” Trixie grunted.
Twilight bit her lip. “Do you think of me as a friend?”
Trixie drew back all of a sudden with a half-hurt, half-angry expression on her face. “W-Why would you ask that? Are you saying you don't think of me as a friend?”
“No! Of course I do!” said Twilight hurriedly, rising to a sitting position and fixing Trixie with an honest stare. “That's not what I meant.”
Trixie's glare softened a little, but it didn't disappear. “Then what did you mean?”
The conversation was quickly moving into dangerous territory. Twilight wondered whether she should just start from the beginning – that way, the question couldn't be taken out of context. She gulped, then nodded to herself.
“Well, it's... something Rainbow Dash said,” she began. “Something about how I might... possibly... think of you as more than a friend.” She tried to throw a light-hearted chuckle onto the end, but it came out as more of a scoff and a half-smile.
“More than a friend,” Trixie repeated sceptically. “What's that supposed to mean?”
“I don't know,” said Twilight immediately. “Maybe she was just talking about us being partners...”
Twilight just wasn't sure any more. There wasn't anything else she could've meant, was there? Other than the one, totally ridiculous theory that Twilight had quickly locked away in the back of her mind, of course...
“...Does it matter?” said Trixie.
Twilight snapped out of her reverie and looked up at the showmare again. “Pardon?”
Trixie flicked her mane and turned her nose up. “Who cares about 'what we are'? Friends, partners, whatever. All I know is that you're a strange, thoughtful, pretty mare and I like spending time with you.” Twilight felt a rush of heat in her chest as Trixie threw her a self-assured smirk. “...Call that whatever you want.”
Heat rose from Twilight's chest to her cheeks, and brought with it an unstoppable smile. There was the answer to her question. Trixie had just described, word for word, how Twilight felt about her. And to know that those feelings were reciprocated was... something...
'She likes spending time with me...'
'She thinks I'm thoughtful...'
'She thinks I'm pretty.'
That last thought in particular made Twilight bite her smiling lip as she stared down at Trixie's hooves...
“Um, Twilight?”
Shaking herself, Twilight looked up to see the quizzical look on Trixie's face.
Gripped by a sudden urge, Twilight bounced up from the edge of the bed, crossed necks with the azure unicorn and put a fetlock around her back. The Warm and Sweet-scented Trixie gave a little yelp of surprise as she was pulled into the hug. Twilight hurriedly closed her eyes and touched her nose to her partner's mane, eager to enjoy the fruits of her surprise attack for as long as possible before Trixie pushed her away.
But a long moment passed in silence, and Trixie made no attempt to move.
Then Twilight felt a hoof on her back as Trixie returned the hug. She let out a relaxing breath.
As Trixie had said, it didn't really matter 'what they were'. But, even so, Twilight felt her smile growing wider as she revelled in the hug and the thought that they were decidedly 'More than friends'.
* * *
Hmm, I just don't know about this chapter. The flow feels all wrong to me... but maybe I'm just being grumpy. I don't want to not post the chapter because of something I probably won't change anyway, so have an earlyish update to make up for the lateness last time!
Seriously though, please let me know if the pacing or flow feels as 'off' to you as it does to me. I plan to take another look tomorrow so that I can clean it up - so if you point out anything that you had to read several times for it to make sense, or something that plain didn't work, I'll fix it then!
Thank you! And I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Broken-heartede Rainbow, yay... Not
This is going to be a painful read in the future.
Doesn't feel off to me; it's a very nice chapter.
The flow felt a little off there at the end but for the most part it seemed consistent. Good chapter for a great story. With how much RD's in this, it seems as though she should've had a tag, too. But, o vell. Love the story. One of my favorite Twixies. Keep it up.
I didn't feel the pacing was off at all in this chapter, or the whole story for that matter.
Personally, I hate romance fics that jump way too soon into the relationship.
E.g.
Chapter 1: "Oh hello there! My name is X, what's yours?"
Chapter 2: "I love you so much! I've known you for a day and I love you!"
Especially when shipping characters like Twi and Trixie, who are known for their... dislike towards each other, one has to be extremely careful in how fast their relationship progresses. In my opinion, you have done an amazing job with this and I've thoroughly enjoyed reading this fic.
Don't worry about this chapter too much, okay? It was just as good as all the previous ones.
Not too fast, not too slow. Just right.
I mirror what 1964364 said: I feel the pacing has been a slow burn, but one that feels relatable and convincing rather than an abrupt decry of "I Wuv You!"
I don't read too many romance fics because I often feel the authors skip the buildup of a relationship so that they can get to the cutesy cuddling and other character drama inherent in the genre. I don't see that happening here so I'm sticking with it.
Nice job!
I fee so bad for Rainbow!! Twilight cant to see it!! read a romance book! and See that Rainbow loves you!!
Is there ea way Trix and Rainbow can do a Twilight time share?
I wonder what Rainbow's gonna do on her little get away? Trixies answer to Twilights question was very her.
Now Kiss!
Don't worry about the pacing.
The only thing that confused me was why Twilight had trouble with her cloud-walking spell after it worked perfectly in Sonic Rainboom. That part didn't make any sense.
1965976
I love your Avatar.
Yaaaaay! The Ship has started up its Engines!
1967127
I can answer that. This fic seems to begin shortly after the events of boast busters which is several episodes before sonic rainboom. In other words, in this fic the events of sonic rainboom never happened. Or i'm just loopy from being so damn sleepy.
1967269
Thanks.
1967294
You are correct. I went back and checked the time frame for the story which puts it only five to six weeks after Boast Busters. I was under the mistaken apprehension that it took place much later.
Felt kinda sad about rainbow
But I Like the story overall, it is a twixie after all
And its refreshing to see that Rainbow is a friend, and you did not went the emo road with her, she's honest, understanding and...well...other smart stuff >.> yet she still is herself and everything, so its neat
Spellcheck, go:
focussed => focused (this typo also exists in the previous chapter)
I get the feeling that you are from the U.K., judging by your spelling of "apologise" and "revelled". Am I mistaken?
Also, unless it's just Rainbow speaking in character, "jealouser and jealouser" should be "more and more jealous".
I feel no shame in saying that I've watched all of Cardcaptor Sakura. It seems like Rainbow is really playing the part of Tomoyo to Twilight's Sakura and Trixie's Li, what with trying to be happy simply because Twilight is happy, even though Dashie feels the same way about Twi' that Twi' feels about Trixie. It's very refreshing to see you write her this way.
That being said, I really hope that you can find a way for her to be happy in her own right! She deserves that much for her unselfishness.
The pacing looked fine. The chapter starts off a little comical before the serious conversations begin between Rainbow and Twilight. Then the rest of the chapter unwinds lazily as Twilight takes in Rainbow's words. And finally, the talk between Twilight and Trixie their relationship ends it off.
If something is odd it's Trixie's answer that steps around Twilight's question, and Twilight's response to her answer. Granted, I understand why, at the time, Twilight would be overjoyed at knowing how Trixie feels about her. But I'd hope that she would want Trixie to call them partners later on, rather than just not caring what they are.
Likewise, even if she was just being grand and boastful, I saw Trixie's answer as a bit tactless.
Augh, Trixie
Blergh, everybody else beat me to the criticism, haha. Anyway, I'm more tired than usual today, so I read this chapter without really looking for any mistakes or places that could've been written better and the whatnot.
I really enjoyed this chapter. There are some stories out there that are well-written, but for some reason, there are times where I'm simply unable to get... well, literally grasped INTO the story. I mean, I get hooked onto other stories' ideas and the whatnot, but for your story (and this chapter especially), I could EASILY picture the setting, the characters being... well, in character. I can hear their voices in my head and I'm able to imagine their reactions to certain things (and let me tell you, they're quite entertaining). You really shouldn't be so modest D': You deserve the praise. Admittedly, there are times where you make a few grammar or spelling mistakes, and maybe a few OOC scenes, but everybody makes mistakes, and everybody here seems to be more than willing to help. Frankly, it's your story's concept and writing style that captivates me.
Anyway, about the actual chapter itself... As implied before, I LOVED it! So many feels. My heart was pouding throughout the entire chapter. I was really worried that Twilight was going to admit her love and pounce at Dash during the hilltop scene, simply because of how she interacts with Rainbow (Twilight's a little too nice for her own good, aha). I mean, TwiDash is good, but I'm like, a hardcore Twixie shipper. I really liked the last bit, when Trixie sort of admits her feelings to Twilight, and when the latter pony finally realizes her feelings. I could feel the fluff. This chapter was cute. :3
Really, when I'm less tired, I'll reread this, but for now, I just want to express my lurve for this story. :'D
...
-does not know how to end this comment without making it awkward-
UH.
AS ALWAYS, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! (I was ULTRA fangirling when I saw that this chapter was posted early, and also when I saw that the AppleDash epilogue was being written)
P.S. Warm and Sweet-scented Trixie. You, sir, are the greatest.
1964186 Sorry, Rainbow. At least you have Fluttershy to cheer you up
1964195 That's good to hear, thank you!
1964232 Thank you very much! At this point, I agree - Rainbow deserves a character tag. I'll add it in when I do the edit pass on chapter 11 tomorrow.
1964364 1964523 Aw, thank you both! That's extremely reassuring! I'm seriously glad now that I
deviated fromobliterated the original plan which, if I'm honest, was one of those "I've known you for a day and I love you!" stories... on Twilight's part at least (but that plan is gone and buried now, let us never speak of it again ) I always like to see the buildup of a relationship as well, as you said, it helps with relating to the characters. Personally I don't hate it when relationship development gets overlooked, but it's kind of disappointing to see wasted potential, you know? Anyway, thank you both once again for your comments!1965056 Twilight time share? I'm liking this idea! Argh, you guys are making me feel guilty about Rainbow now!
1965976 Thanks! I'm glad you think so. It took me a while to decide how she would answer - I'm pleased with how it turned out!
1966134 Soon, my friend, soon... Unless I'm still teasing... Ohgoshdon'thurtme!
1967269 Yup! Engines started and course laid in for... well, shipping!
1967294 1967371 Indeed! That's probably my fault for making the timeframe so darn complicated. I get a headache with the amount of times I find myself pausing while writing/editing to ask "Wait, what day is it?" ...It's too much like real life!
1967596 Thank you! Rainbow's cool. She might be feeling sad inside but she's still Rainbow, as you said She's a lot of fun to write, I'd like to do more stories about her.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2079-13258062244328.jpg
1968495 Oh Trixie... Well, her heart was in the right place. That said, maybe she stepped around Twilight's question (consciously or otherwise) because she's not actually sure of how she feels towards Twilight... I'm honestly not sure But I think you're right - Twilight would want some closure from Trixie at some point. I may use that later. Thanks for getting me thinking about it! And for the feedback on the pacing as well
1968670 More tired than usual? Well that's saying something, considering that you usually leave a comment at two or three in the morning Not sure where to begin really, so I'll just say that it was really refreshing to read your comment! The thing I love most about this (writing) is to hear how different people read/interpret my stories - and that goes a long way to influencing my writing style. I try to leave things open so that the reader can decide what happens. I mean, obviously not to the point where I say "Twilight and Trixie had a conversation and something happened" (though, admittedly, I have got something along those lines sitting on my hard drive) ...but you know what I mean. Probably.
So yes, thank you for sharing that with me I will, as you say, keep up the good work. Probably!
I am, aren't I?
...What? You said I shouldn't be so modest!
1968360 1968590
*Hides*
Focusing, huh? My spellcheck reads them both as the same word with the same synonyms etc. so I've not noticed. But focused is, indeed, the preferred spelling. Thanks! You're quite right, I am from the UK. Greetings! And yes, Rainbow was speaking in character when she said 'jealouser' Not to say that Rainbow doesn't know to use proper grammar, she's just a cute little pony who, by definition, can't help but be cute
I'm glad you like how I've written her. As I said to someone above, I really like writing Rainbow's character - it's a lot of fun. And she certainly deserves some happiness, the poor thing I'll do my best to get her a happy ending too.
Now to the grammar part
First off, sorry that my language burns you - it sounds painful I'm not going to translate centre, apologise, realise etc. to American English because I'll just confuse myself and end up mixing the two together. Unless Google puts a red line under it and I automatically tell it to correct
I'm liking the grammar suggestions though!
1. The shrug sounds wrong however I look at it, so I'm going to replace the 'nonchalant' with casual or something.
2. 'Mock accusation' - excellent! Thank you!
3. Comma, yes! Semicolon, not in your life! I mean, I personally don't mind seeing them used in literature, but I've sworn off of using them myself. Same with colons. I'll replace it with a . though
4. Yup!
5. Definitely!
6. I like it! I might use that, or some variation. And no, Twilight calls her Trixie. When I said nickname, I was referring to 'Miss Great and Powerful', which Twilight has called her at least once (I forget whether it's more) during the course of the story. Presumably a couple of times between chapters as well, though not necessarily.
7. Thought I'd ditched that habit back in chapter 3
8. Second option! But I'll probably replace 'faintly' because it doesn't sound right.
9. Fast-fading sounds good to me.
10. This one, I think I'll leave the way it is. I like it when looks get thrown around.
Thank you for all of those, it's really good of you to take the time to help! And that's a very generous offer too! I'll keep it in mind.
I mostly prefer to proof-read my own work though. On a good day, it's actually very enjoyable to find all those little rough edges and polish them into something that flows. That said, I'll welcome more grammar suggestions if you're inclined to make them! I'm going to go through and make these changes tomorrow. For now, I need sleep.
1970950
I usually only get about 5-6 hours of sleep, thanks to school and all, but I got about 8 hours of sleep just yesterday, and I felt more tired than usual. My sleeping pattern is a little messed up, you could say (I'm also malnourished D'; Had a relatively frightening temporary episode of amnesia last night. Pretty freaky... but enough about my health problems).
Anyway, as I'm writing this, I haven't re-read the chapter yet, but I actually doubt my opinion on this chapter will change. A lot of romantic development in only a few thousand words. You, sir, are still, by far, the greatest.
Well, anyhow, I really can't wait until we get to read about Trixie's side of the story regarding her feelings towards Twilight, and they still need to get together (maybe, depending on how you decide to write your story~), and the display. Ergh. The story may be getting close to the end, but I feel like there's still a long way to go... if that makes any sense... Oh, and random comment: I really like the idea of the feather/trust idea. It really makes Rainbow's element stand out. :3
....
/I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO END THIS COMMENT WITHOUT MAKING IT SOUND AWKWARD.
CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT CHAPTER + READING YOUR OTHER STORIES, YOUR FUTURE STORIES AND THE APPLEDASH FIC EPILOGUE.
KEEP UP.
ZE.
GOOD WORK!
Time for the other feather holder to comfort Rainbow Dash in her time of heartache.
1970777
If you make FlutterDash as a side-thing to cheer up Rainbow, then I think I'll be happy... If not, it's going to be painful
1971186 It makes me really really happy to see that you liked most of my [grammar] suggestions.
Although...
#9: Wikipedia's entry on adjectives does say that "fast" can be used both as an adjective and an adverb. However, while it may be technically correct, it sounds reeeeeeeally awkward to try to use it as an adverb in this case. I strongly feel that an adverb (something ending in -ly) would be more appropriate. Please?
It always makes my day to see an email notification saying that Eyes On You has updated. Keep it up!
Damn, Dash, you better not forget to come back!
I like the pace, here. It's not rushed, it's not 'and then they were in wuv!' It's realistic, especially considering their past. So good on that, there.
This chapter is so perfect, it hurts my brain!
Keep goin' mate!!
D'aww...that has to be the most adorable 'more than friends' moment that I've ever seen.
And is it just me, or does Dash have feelings for Twilight?
1979589
Mm, definitely not just you, but I can sense that since Fluttershy is so important to Dashie (somewhat proven with the whole feather thing), if she can manage to comfort RD and just be there for her... welp, a possible Flutterdash? Not sure, since it'd be a side story and all, but yeah, there are multiple hints regarding Rainbow's feelings towards Twilight and it's not just you. xD
1989226
...you know, given how Trixie is growing as a character, it's entirely possible it may end up a RDxTwilightxTrixie shipping if RD and Trixie find a way to set aside their differences...
1989260
... Oh snap. Wouldn't be as realistic, in my opinion. RD is hard headed (though not in this scene) and Trixie is... well, growing, but still Trixie. At this rate, Dash seems like she's beginning to accept Twilight & Trixie's relationship, and is probably taking a leave to clear her head and possibly move on from her own feelings.
In other words, I'd probably expect RD & Trixie to make up when Dashie comes back, but I wouldn't cross my fingers for the three of them to get together.
... Oh, and yes, I like to point out the obvious.
1989290
Well, what if the two weeks to clear her head doesn't work, and she realizes that she really does want to be with Twilight, but also really wants Twilight to be happy...which means making up with Trixie. Wouldn't be the first RDxsomepony shipping I'd seen with a heavy dose of adversarial involved.
Oh hell, a love triangle... >.< Sigh...
1977052
Now. Rainbow not returning would be bad. Or it could force Twi and Trix to look for her and explain stuff. New story arc! That would be a bit of stretching the entire thing, though...
1989683
I've always been under the impression that love triangle implies a stable romantic relationship between the three. Not that there is two 'together' and the third is conflicted with having feelings for one of said two.
Oh, well. The more you know.
Yep, it is still a good story.
Next chapter is coming along quite nicely, I may release it a few days early this week as well Comment roundup!
1971409 I always feel really tired when I get more than a few hours sleep, weird how that works. And I know what you mean about it feeling close to the end but not There's definitely a lot more to tell - with all the Manehattan chapters to come. Oh, and thankyou for the comment on the feather - I'm not sure where that (the idea for it) came from, but I really like it. Potential new story material? Hmm...
1972228 Oh, I expect they do, they're just too cute and innocent to think about it.
1973729 1973948 Yay! I have a very vague idea for a Flutterdash sequel / spin-off type thing, which needs a lot more fleshing out. Depending on how the rest of this story goes, I may just end up writing it.
1977052 Thank you! And don't worry, Rainbow wouldn't break her promise... right? Right?
1978160 If you want more brain-hurt then who am I to argue? Thanks, keep going I will!
1979589 Well thank you very much And Dash definitely has some feelings for her. If I hadn't written Twilight so dense and innocent, this might've turned into a TwiDash!
1989683 Actually, I'm told that it's more of a 'love dodecahedron'... 1568262 Hehe, nah, but seriously - conflicting love interests makes for interesting writing. And reading too I suppose, except when the author (me) has already told everyone that it's a Twixie fic
1990077
1999500 Well, thanks!
2008562
Seriously, please. Just make sure Dash isn't completely heartbroken...
2008562
Eh, I disagree, because that means one pony is going to be left out and depressed, and I really, reeeeaaaalllly hate that.
...unless somehow they all end up in a three-way relationship, which would be awesome and interesting in itself, but I doubt you'll go that direction. ._.
Go Trixie^^ "Does it matter?" Best answer ever^^
Ahahahaha! Oh mercy, that one almost killed me. I can't stop grinning.
Ok quick question... Is The Feather Thing Legit?! like i wanna use that as a romance thing in one of my stories o-o PLEASE SAY IT"S LEGIT!
3480377 Yeah, it's totally legit! At least, I like to think so Though I'm sure it could be just as romantic if it wasn't true.
Anyway, yeah - you should totally use it in one of your stories! Good luck!
Song Reference:
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am,
I'll come runnin'... To see you again...
Winter, Spring, Summe or Fall...
All you gotta do is call...
And I'll be there...
You've got a friend...
Old song I know... But still...
Flutters was the only other one who has one....interesting....*gasp* shipper story shippers FLUTTERDASH go get on that! Ship in a shipping story!
Gah! My heart! I suddenly feel the urge to hug kittens!
i think it would be better if you word it like
I'm just going to get more and more jealous until....
just a thought
Man, this story needs Rarity, or maybe even Cadance to step in at this point. Those three are stepping around on light hooves, the love the two blues have for Twilight and vice-versa (and probably after a time between each other even) would be painfully obvious to an observer of any of the conversations they have. What is it about pastel-coloured fictional magical ponies that inspire such feels?
Im going to say it...
wHAT WE REALLY ARE