- Member Since 6th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 15th, 2022
Fimbulvinter
Yea, I'm a writer and I occasionally freelance as an editor or collaborator.
Fimbulvinter
Joined 6th Jan, 2012 ·
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Sequels1
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Fimbulvinter · 22k words · 124 6 · 2.7k views
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Aww yeah, here we go!
Post-read comment: Hoo boy, that's one hell of a fic! I have only one complaint: "I was just resting there, my eyes open but unseeing as I wallowed in the glow of my second orgasm for the day." I think 'basking' would be sexier in this context. 'Wallowing' just isn't what I would call a sexy word, you know?
I think I'll pass. regular porn aint for me. doesn't mean the story is bad... just means I mysilf just won't be watching it.
cheers
2071878 I can respect that.
I like it for two reasons:
1.it has my favorite CMC, applebloom
2. (Too me at least) it was well written and quite enjoyable...
So you get a like and a fav from me
2072034 Thanks
My only regret is that there won't be more. Also no Scootaloo.
more chapters swttie/bloom awsome forever
I thought you were taking a break from clop...hm...it seems I have been lied to. Well played my Editor, well played.
O.o...very good...<3 You get a like and fav ^^
SweetieBloom stories are hard to come across, but this is probably the best on I've ever read. The way it's all built up and how much of a tease Sweetie acts really made this story pure awesomeness. For the love of Celestia and Luna, please do another chapter or two. This story was really awesome.
2073414 There will be more, plenty more. I have ideas for at least another two chapters worth.
2073502 Thankyou for that. Every like helps.
2073898 Thanks for the kind word. I was trying to do something with more of a buildup filled with teases as 'almost' moments, rather than more earlier style of just jumping right in.
2074452 HUZZAH! Most excellent!
2074452 I hope you do continue the story. It's looking really great!
2074466 my biggest complaint is the 9 (currently) downvotes who haven't left any kind of comment.
Not liking a story is fine, but have the guts to explain why, or else the author will never be able to improve on it.
2074483 Sometimes I think they downvote it for the sake of downvoting it. They're jealous is all.
2074483 And I say don't let those 9 downvotes discourage you. Your story is really well done.
2074516 I'm not going to.
My previous clop epic was massivly panned at the start, nearly a 2-1 dislike to like ratio, but I chugged through it and now enough people seem to like it that its the other way around now.
2074533 Good to know. Keep up the good work.
What. The. Hell. Was. That?
2074483
Since you asked...
The biggest issue I have with this story is voice. It's written from Apple Bloom's perspective, but much of the words and phrases she uses sound nothing like her. Take this paragraph for example:
When does Apple Bloom ever talk like that in the show? Even if she is aged up and just narrating, I can't see her using descriptions like "fairly rustic" and "noticeably modern," as opposed to "old" and "new/fancy." The whole story is filled with odd, sterile descriptions that don't seem fitting for a teenaged girl raised in the country.
Speaking of teenaged girl, I also had problems with Sweetie Belle. In the show, Sweetie is normally characterized as good-natured, but also naive and somewhat sensitive. Here, not only is she completely fine with owning a very revealing swimsuit and getting naked in front of her friend, but she's the one who encourages and initiates the sex. Meanwhile, Apple Bloom is the one who acts all shy. It almost seems like AB's personality was replaced with Sweetie's and Sweetie's with Scootaloo's. Bad characterization can bring down a story, especially a clopfic, faster than you think.
Then there's the grammar. One of your bigger hangups is with the sentence lengths. Many of them run way long and are filled with needless words. In some places, it's made worse by quite a few grammatical errors that aren't always easy to spot on a first read-through. Another example:
Not only is that second sentence a mouthful, but it's also unintuitive and grammatically incorrect in a couple places. Try this instead:
(This was done on the fly. I could probably think of a better way to word this given enough time.)
Lastly, this one's on a more subjective note, but please refrain from using vulgar terms like "pussy." It's just lazy terminology and, given the nature of the characters you're writing about, ill-fitting.
I would recommend finding an editor for the grammatical problems. As for the dry vocabulary and characterization, go check out stories by TAW, Crowley, VelvetHeart, and the Xenophilia author, and see what you can learn from how they write. Do these things, and your writing will improve dramatically.
Woah.
Sexy.
"me on; what it she thought I was" what if she though, not what it
Alright I suppose I can offer much more constructive/helpful criticism, aside from the grammatical errors I saw I would like a minute to discuss characterization.
While 2075525 makes a good argument for Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle having mixed up personalities, I'll admit that in terms of sex/relationships I could see Apple Bloom being naive giving her traditional/conservative background. While Sweetie Bell has an older sister like Rarity, who she may have learned a thing or two from (possibly finding a Cosmarepoliton Magazine or two in Rarity's room). So I don't really think their levels of experience are necessarily OOC. But yeah, I think they do come of as just a tad too mature for 18, especially Apple Bloom and her word choice.
So I have to ask if the future chapters are going to be mostly clop-based or if there will be romance mixed into it? Is Apple Bloom's family and their views going to play a larger role?
"try this with another girl"
Add a period.
The best part of clop is seeing how many ways you can say " vagina ". Also I demand more
2075525 Now that is some helpful comments. I've been told about sentence length before and I have tried to cut back on the number of commas and lead on sentences, but looks like I need more work.
Thank you for spending the time to point out things that don't make as much sense as they could rather than just silently hating it.
2075787 Given that I am basing this off of pictures from a pony porn blog, then this is likely going to be fairly clop based, but I will try to work in some plot and character development into it where I can.
2074983 That was me taking an image from a tumblr and expanding it out in a 8000 word clop. It is how I write most of my clops
2076941 Bronystories is the master of finding different ways to say the same thing. I merely try to emulate his style where I can
did Apple Bloom have a thesaurus on hand, or something?
followin'
2078101 Sweetie Belle is a Dictionary remember.
2077507
Bronystories is mainly about being funny, not erotic. There are few stories of his that are actually sexy.
That said, this was very well done! Very descriptive, explicit in the right areas, and surprisingly sweet. When Sweetie said they would be "secret girlfriends," I d'awwed a bit.
And you did A Father's Love, my favorite gay clop?! Well then, I must follow!
2077507 Well, you need to stop. This litterally scared me. I was in the corner hugging my knees almost the whole night. Please, never do anything like this again.
2079626 The knowledge that you are afraid sustains me.
But seriously, no one is forcing you to read it and it had clear content warnings on the front page.
How did this scare you? I avoided almost every kink or fetish that I could have put in. aside from the actual sex itself there was nothing objectionable about this story.
2079486
2079959 Exactly. The fact that you found an antro pic of those two and turned it into an incomplete 8000 plus word story scares me. I'm not sure If I'll be able to read the next chapter without the lights on and cops standing by my front door to protect me from Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. I had a nightmare about them coming into my house and this happened. The absolute horror....
*Jaw slowly retracts from floor.* Must…redirect…blood…to…arms...
2080135 Not sure "horror" is the correct word here unless you are exteremly homophobic...
I've only read a page in and there's a fairly big problem I've noticed: It doesn't sound like Apple Bloom's internal voice. Even an eighteen year old Apple Bloom. She's a farm girl.
That does not sound like teenage Apple Bloom. That sounds like Twilight Sparkle. I'd imagine Apple Bloom would sound more like:
Now, I don't like it when a character's internal voice sounds wrong, but so far it's not enough to stop me from reading or make me downvote, so I'mma keep going.
2085667 It's wasn't the fact it was lesbian, it's the fact it was so good.
2089268
Acceptable. you are pardoned.
(My other personality)
Sonic, you stupid ass piece of...
2090000 I do not have multiple personalities and I'm upset I don't. Having some would keep me out of a few of the scraps I've been in.
2090008
Oh, yeah, it's awesome.
2090039 I'd say it's awesome and horrble, depending on the personalities.
2090058
THEY ALL SUCK!
2090267 Okay, panic mode active.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i enjoyed it!
2096677 More to come
Ohh...SHIZ DAT WAS AMAZING!!
Write more!
2103906 I am writing more as we speak. A least another two chapters to come in this story.
Boner...
What r u doin
Boner...
Stahp!