Hunted
"Quick Twilight! I can still hear the dogs and the guards behind us!" exclaimed Spike.
Splish, Splosh, Splish, Splosh* water splashed everywhere as Twilight's frantically struggled through a small but steep river, spasms shooting painfully through her legs .
When? Why? How? No matter how many times she asked herself she still couldn't figure it out.
"No! I can hear more guards coming from that way, we have to take a right!" indicated the purple green-scaled dragon as he pointed through a clearing in the forest.
What was going to happen to her? What was she going to do from now on? Is this what life had in store for her? An eternity of flight...?
"THIS WAY! STEP IT UP YOU USELESS LUGS! QUICK BEFORE SHE GETS AWAY!" bellowed the commander of the Imperial Guard
*Clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop* the sounds of a hundred hooves echoed through the forest like war drums, as they grew louder and louder.
"They're catching up on us! We have to do something or we'll be goners!" Implored Spike.
How could she have let this happen? How could things have turned out this way? And how... how could her beloved friends have discarded her so easily?
"TWILIGHT, SNAP OUT OF IT!" Spike's voice resonated through the forest, his tiny fingers pulling hard on Twilight's soft ears.
"B-b-but I... I...," whimpered Twilight, now close to tears in desperation of not knowing what to do, the light of her eyes filled with misery as she looked at the baby dragon sitting on her back in search of answers.
"I've gott'em commander! They're this way!" Indicated a nearby voice in the woods, alerted no doubt by Spike's little outburst.
"Good work soldier! We've got them cornered this time!" replied another voice in a authoritative tone. "Spread out! And block all possible exits! We'll have these low-lives hung from the highest tree before the sun sets!" he commanded with the unmistakable tone of menace and savagery in his voice.
"I'm sorry Twilight but we don't have the time for this! I know it's hard but if we can't afford to get caught up in our thoughts right now! We have to focus on escaping!" pleaded Spike, his little hands unintentionally pulling hard on Twilight's mane.
"HERE THEY ARE!" yelled a snowy white pegasus guard as he burst forth from behind the trees in front of them.
"Don't let her get away!" added a second one as he closed in from behind blocking their path.
"Good work men!" said a third pony as he slowly approached them from the side, his silhouette masked by the trees' shade. "Did you think you could outrun us? US?!" inquired the figure at his ever-paling prey as he stepped out from the shadows. He wasn't nearly as big as some of those hot-shot rodeo ponies or seasoned construction workers, but commander Storm Chaser was an intimidating sight. His bulky brown colored body protected by a gold armor, his short black mane and the scars covering almost every visible inch of his body gave an undeniable impression of toughness. He was perhaps the only earth pony to have commanded the Imperial Guard in Equestria's history, the title having been reserved for pegasi or unicorns as they often had an edge over regular ponies due to their lack of wings or magic. But even without these indispensable tools, so often used for combat, commander Storm Chaser had crawled his way to the top overwhelming his rivals with will power and determination alone. He was famed as an unyielding pony, incapable of love or compassion for those who disregarded rules.
"We didn't do anything!" retorted Spike, his tiny fists balling as he set his blazing stare on the commander. Though normally he would have cowered in fear at the sight of such a beast, he had always been braver when sticking up for his friends.
"A likely story!" replied the commander. "Why don't you tell it to the judge? I'm sure we could all do with some amusement before the execution!" he breathed as he glared back at his captives.
"E-exe..c-cution?" stuttered Twilight in fright as a sensation of being dropped into icy water washed over her.
"That's right my little filly," cackled the commander maliciously, "or did you think you could just try your luck at regicide and get away with it?"
"Y-y-you can't! I'm innocent! P-please! Just hear me out!" implored Twilight as slowly backed away trembling with fear.
"Seize her," ordered the commander as he turned his back on her, his gaze cold as ice as he ignored her request with the utmost indifference.
"STOP!!" yelled Spike as he spit out a jet of green flames at the soldiers closing in on them. "QUICK! YOUR TELEPORTATION MAGIC! NOW!!!" urged the dragon as he pulled on Twilight's ears in an attempt to bring her to her senses.
"DON'T LET HER!!" bellowed the commander just a fraction of a second too late. Twilight and Spike disappeared on the spot leaving nothing behind except for scorch marks and a cloud of purple smoke.
"You idiots! She got away!" screamed Storm Chaser.
"What do we do commander?" asked timidly one of the soldiers.
"We chase after her of course! I don't care where she decides to hide! A pony like her couldn't possibly survive here in the Everfree Forest by herself!" replied the commander. "I'll hunt her down and bring her to justice IF-IT'S-THE-LAST-THING-I-DO," he finished emphasizing every last word.
Meanwhile, everywhere on Equestria the news spread like wildfire. Rumors, terrible rumors about a recent attempt on Princess Celestia's life and the pony behind these heinous act. All over the country angry murmurs broke out as everypony pointed out the identity of this would-be-murderess: miss Twilight Sparkle of Canterlot.
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good so far. a few grammar errors and a little short, but has great potential.
TTrraacckkiinng
Sounds interesting
Okay, I am liking this so far. As a suggestion create a sentence around the pnomatopoeia like "Splish, splosh, splish, splosh the sound of hooves trudging through water echoed across the banks as Twilight ran."
....continue....if only so i can see WHY everyone thinks she was trying to kill the princess....
Oh, dear. Now I have to find out if/how she proves herself innocent! Curses!
Tracking.
193007 Patience, patience we'll get there eventually :)
I like what I see so far.
intriguing...im excited to see how this story turns out...
I LOVE IT PLZ PLZ PLZ WRITE MORE.
IF-IT'S-THE-LAST-THING-I-DO
yeah... captain Hook said that line too... and look where it got him
That was very well done. I'm impressed. Thank you for updating and making the feature box, as that has brought this story to my attention
I look forward to reading the rest.
Well, this is rather disappointing. The premise had a lot of potential, but the execution was lacking.
(Note: I have only read the first chapter.)
-Grammatically sound.
-The Bad-
-Indentation. (You'd be suprised at how many forget this)
-Twilight's internal dialogue is good.
-Dialogue is separated into their own paragraphs/sentences.
-Splish, Splosh, Splish, Splosh*
-The Ugly-
Onomatopoeias are something authors don't use. Like ever. Try to use descriptive sentences instead.
-IF YOU USE CAPS LIBERALLY, THEY LOSE THEIR SIGNIFICANCE. USE THEM SPARINGLY.
-Men - Don't use this word. Ponies, as far as we know, are unaware of humans (thus their terminology as well) in the show. Use words that ponies would use. Anypony, everpony, etc. is terminology that a lot of authors don't remember to use. It only improves.
-With the exception of Twilight and Spike, everypony is out of character. (Though Spike has some questionable dialogue).
Commander Storm Chaser's characterization is awful. You're trying too hard. Remember that Twilight lived at Canterlot Castle for most of her life, so I would be careful with the guards' dialogue.
Too short - The chapter is too short, given that the chapter is just one scene.
Well that's it. I enjoy the premise a lot, but I could barely read the fist chapter. I hope this helps.
Also: at the time of this post, there is a Storm Chaser in the show (Season 2 Episode 22, "Hurricane Fluttershy). I know that this story was published before then, but I thought I should mention it.