The five-cent Imax non-experience · 7:15pm May 6th, 2016
(This blog post originally went up by accident when it was about 50% written, and is now complete.)
I had one movie pass left.
Well... I had one that was good for the movie I wanted to see. I generally get AMC passes from Coke, and those used to come in two categories: Gold, which granted you immediate access to anything which wasn't a special event ticket, and Silver, which just about did the same except that you couldn't use it until two weeks after the film came out. Between the two, it was usually possible to get in on a cost of bottlecaps and cardboard.
But AMC realized there was a horrible problem with their passes: people were using them. On everything. You can't give out things for free if people are going to use them. And so they... tinkered a little.
At first, it was just the surcharges. Gold and Silver didn't pay for your entire admission any more, not if you were going to see something in 3D or Imax. One, two, six dollars, surely you were still thinking of it as just a discounted ticket, right? But then it turned out people not only insisted on continuing to use the passes, they were holding those freebies back for certain kinds of movies. Or rather, certain studios. And you can't have that!
So Gold and Silver left the Coke reward menu. Meet the Green Pass. (Italics are mine, bold is theirs.)
Present at box office. Not valid for online redemption. Subject to surcharge for 3D, premium large screen format (e.g., IMAX®, AMC Prime®), alternative content, dine-in-theatres, film festivals, special theatrical presentations and premium services; location surcharges may also apply. AMC reserved the right to change these terms and conditions without notice, including charges and additions to surcharge fees, restrictions or exclusions.
Green Tickets are valid for one admission to any movie except those distributed by The Walt Disney Company, including, but not limited to Disney, Pixar, Marvel and Lucasfilm, Ltd. titles.
So guess what I wanted to see.
Hint: Underoos!
And I had one Gold ticket left.
My budget is... still tight: the traffic violation has been paid for (and continued thanks), but I have to be careful this month. And I also have a habit of trying not to pay for movies, while seeing as many as I can in the process. So I decided to keep it simple. Basic movie only: no 3D, no Imax. I could go back if I managed to locate a more flexible giveaway, but today was just for the standard film. Pick a theater... and since I needed to keep the travel expenses low, I went with the closest one. The bad news: that's a Dine & Screen, also known as "We have replaced your $8.00 soda with $30.00 frozen chicken fingers, and by that, we mean that when we serve them to you, they're still frozen." But I wasn't going to eat there, so no problems.
So. I can only redeem at the theater itself. No online cash-ins or seat reservations. And with the Dine & Screens, you don't get to walk in and just sit anywhere you feel like. You have to choose a specific seat, and you're not allowed to move. Because... well, sure, it's not as if you aren't summoning the waitstaff directly to your seat with the push of a button, and the waitstaff is of course blocking your view of the screen as they place your frost-coated meal onto the little swivel tray shelf which has been trying to achieve more darkened-room intimacy than your last date. But if you break a tooth trying to bite into your $40.00 meal (because now there's a delivery charge), the ambulance needs to know where they can find you!
Head to the movies. Approach ticket counter, foil-covered slip at the ready --
-- not so fast.
The digital marquee is flashing. Standard viewing: sold out. Next show: 3D, in half an hour. I don't have enough time to wait for the next standard show -- well, not without sleeping in the parking lot. Coming back tomorrow means clearing more time and burning extra gas. So... I sighed and asked the attendant what today's surcharge was, given that the standard viewing was sold out.
She told me it wasn't sold out.
I pointed to the marquee. (It seemed like the thing to do at the time.)
No, she assured me, that's totally wrong. Because apparently the Sold Out sign typically goes up when the movie isn't sold out. Instead, it's posted when the film is down to a Certain Number Of Seats. Because having those seats left is the exact same thing as being sold out. Except for still having empty seats available. Which are for sale.
You may be starting to understand why I try not to give this particular corporation any money.
I asked to see which seats were still available. She activated the mini-screen in front of the register --
-- oh.
There were eight left.
To wit, the eight in the absolute front row. The ones directly in front of the screen.
Um...
...given a free choice, I generally sit dead-center, about eight rows up. I know where my sweet spot is and do my best to accommodate it. But given this movie and the number of people who'd been both waiting for it and were allowed to reserve their places in advance...
You might also be starting to see why the theater would consider having that section left as being a sellout.
I have never sat in the first row. Sitting in the first row felt as if it would be the visual equivalent of having Steve, Tony, and Peter hit me in the eyeballs. Every five seconds. In turn.
I had two choices. Surcharge or Don't Sit That Close, You'll Go Blind.
And as we're talking about me, you may be able to guess that I went with the wrong one.
Was I able to follow the action? Pretty much. I was a lot more comfortable during the talking scenes, when only minor swiveling was necessary: when you're that close, the screen pretty much is your field of vision, and that means you wind up focusing on quickly-assigned points, just trying to keep up. And anything happening near the top edge is going to take you away from everything else.
But during the fight scenes... well, it isn't exactly posting a spoiler to say that during the airport fight, there is a lot going on, in a large number of places, and all of it wants you paying full attention to that bit. It's like hosting a pool party for a hundred first-graders, all of whom are using the same diving board. During the fight scenes... what do I want to look at? What am I going to miss if I do? And by the time that decision's made? Too late: you missed all of it!
Oh, and let's not forget this part: sitting in the first row. I was, at most, eight feet away from the screen. Eight. Feet. Not eight inches. Eight inches was just the perceptual distance.
So if you want to know how I'm feeling today, I can sum it up like this:
I just had Captain America, Iron Man, and Spidey hit me in the eyes, every five seconds, in turn, for two and a half hours.
Live the movies!
Film discussion below, if anyone's so inclined.
This is humorously enraging. I would actually rage in laughter if I was in your position.
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...huh?
*sigh*
This blog post went up before it was completed.
Okay, so now it's the Five-Cent Blogging Experience. I'll edit in the rest.
That movie was awesome. Like, super awesome. And as Pixelkitties put it, best Spider Man so far.
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I admit, I blew it on the eyepieces: I really thought it was a homemade targeting system. (I'm used to settings where Peter makes the entire outfit from scratch.) So what we learned here is something we already knew from the first MCU movie: not only is Tony a fantastic inventor, but he would have done pretty well as a professional Halloween costume designer. As for what the eyepieces do, having them be a defense against sensory overload through deliberate vision blockage is an interesting idea. It just leaves Peter extremely vulnerable to being blindsided (as happened a couple of times in the fight), and having Tony in possession of that information may no longer be the best thing for him.
Actually, what Peter really needs is some personal training from Matt -- but I don't know if the MCU is allowed to cross over into the various Netflix series, especially to that degree. Still.. at some point, we're going to have one in Queens, one in Hell's Kitchen, and you'd have to guess they've heard of each other...
For Tom Holland: when he wasn't on the screen, I kind of wished he was, and that's the best praise I can give him. But you can also see why the other characters were reacting that way during the fight: a little of Spidey can go a long way. They're not used to a fast-talking kid in the middle of what they see as adult business, and none of them are even close to figuring out how to adjust. Which I think comes into Tony's decision to send him back at the end of the airport fight: he just realized that for all Peter's power and fast-developing skill, he'd enlisted a minor -- and once that hit home, Tony decided he'd personally gone too far.
ETA: He was also the source for most of the harsher eye-punches. One of the things the movie gets right is in realizing that Peter's fighting style, especially when in the middle of the MCU's first Royal Rumble, is extremely hyperkinetic. Follow the bouncing red-and-blue superball. If you can.
Your blogs are the turpentine of innocence, and I mean that in the best way possible. I always come out of these wiser, sadder, and more amazed and irritated by the reality I am forced to live in.
Well, except the ones where you're surprised by how many people are willing to give you money. Those are nice too.
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You want some innocence wiped away? Consider responding to this Email, which just popped up in my spam folder.
So how many different auto-installing spybots, viruses, and pieces of malware would you say are waiting at that link? More or less than three thousand?
(Actual link will be provided on request.)
(Because it's not as if you actually needed your hard drive.)
3925041 (horribly jealous, even with the point blank punches) Actually, I think Black Widow or Cap would be the best trainer for Spider-Man. Captain America is less training and more instinct (Applejack), while Black Widow is training, training, training, and some of the dirtiest fighting ever (Rarity). It would break him of that "Can't hit girls" flaw pretty quick.
Yeah, I just found out about 'Dine-In' movies a few weeks ago. (I live in the sticks) The concept of settling down with a hot Pizza Hut pizza and a couple of beers with my noisy friends while watching the newest movie to come out would be hindered, I think, by others doing the same thing, and beer bottles would start flying fairly quick. Think I'll just stick to popcorn and Reduced Price Tuesdays at our local theater. (3D gives me such a headache anyway)
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If you haven't seen the Netflix Daredevil series, rest assured that Matt's an extremely dirty fighter, added to actual martial arts skills: his personal combat philosophy is that since he regularly has to wade through large groups while personally possessing no powers which help him knock anyone out, he will do absolutely anything which leaves his opponents more or less breathing at the end. You can generally tell one of Matt's battlegrounds by the spectacular number of broken bones and dislocated joints left in his wake, because that's what's necessary to make the other guys stop getting back up. There's a extended sequence in the first season which shows just how difficult it really is for a nearly-normal human to take out half a dozen opponents: everyone who goes off their feet comes back at least once, and Matt just barely walks away at the end.
BTW, still waiting for Netflix to release that on Blu-Ray. I have survey credit set aside for it, but the product ain't comin'.
I used to have a pretty bad disorientation reaction after taking RealD glasses off, which would leave me rubbing my temples for a few minutes and hoping not to move until it passed. It faded out after a couple of years, and I don't know if it's because I just got used to it or enough people were having problems with the lenses to force a change in the design.
When was the last time you had a post-movie headache? (From the glasses. Not the movie.)
3925125 Went to a Dine and Screen once to watch Fast and Furious 7. It was a pretty high end one, and the cost was covered by the company I work at (it was a company field trip thing), meaning we got choice seats and actually decent food. I got a nice Korean BBQ pizza, fries, a Coke, and desert.
The best things in life are free...if someone else is footing the bill.
Edit: The company also offered us a choice of either watching FF7 or Age of Ultron. I picked F&F7 mainly because it was a movie with Vin Diesel and Jason Statham. After everything I've heard about AoU, I stand by my decision.
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Yea, Netflix-Murdock is basically Batman : He won't kill people, but he sure as hell will maim them.
3924971 ...I haven't seen the movie yet...
Still, I rage with you! Then I will enjoy the movie!
Esprit de corps! ...or something like that.
I've come to the conclusion that for movie theaters, forgoing the revenue from a completely full house is just less of a loss to them than dealing with the hassle of a genuinely jam-packed theater.
Because think about it. When was the last time you went to a show with an actual usher. Even if you can recall such a time, that was pretty unusual, right? They usually don't exist anymore unless desperately needed; you don't typically walk into a theater and there's a guy directing people. They only show when requested or when a need is there.
And a full theater, like, every seat sold... well, that's going to cause hassle, which requires time and manpower. You can usually tell people "sorry, you can't sit with your whole party..." but what if that party is parents and children, and the parents are understandably not cool with having their kids out of reach in a darkened theater? Now you're having to chivvy a large crowd, in the dark, to all move in to create to space, asking people if they'll feel comfortable moving, etc. You'll get people saying they "can't" sit all the way up front because of medical conditions. (Sometimes true, sometimes a lie.) Etc.
I went to see The Force Awakens on opening night, as did, apparently, half the country. Show had been sold out for nearly a week.
I darted out to when the previews started to hit the bathroom, like you do. (Because these days I'm rarely surprised by previews, although it does happen.) I was in a theater with stadium-style seating, a steep slope all the way up... except, at the bottom of the stairs, in front of the screen, there are two rows of seats flat on the ground.
Those two rows? Empty. On a show that had been "sold out" for a very long time.
And that caught my eye. I paused, leaned back, and did a quick eyeball of the rest of the house. Packed. I could only see a handful of open seats, and because it was winter in the northeast, those all had coats in them, aka the universal symbol for "someone is sitting here, please move along." It was, indeed, a full house... except for the twenty or so up front.
20 x 10.50 = 210.00
Now, that's a nontrivial sum to me, but I guess to movie theaters it is chump change for not dealing with pissed-off people who paid for a ticket and found out they're having to sit somewhere that might or might not make actually enjoying the movie impossible. If a show gets sold out, well, you can hardly complain, can you? In fact, if you try, people will usually say things like "you should've moved faster, then."
But paying for a ticket and getting a shitty experience, when people bitch about that they get a wider audience taking the compliant for serious. So let's dodge the bullet entirely.
This is all just speculation on my part, of course. But the logic holds up, I think.
I have genuinely gotten into trouble because my picked seat was about a kilometer closer to the screen than the picker image at the ticket booth indicated, and I snuck up to an empty seat in the back rows.
Granted, that trouble amounted to: "This your seat?" "Half the theater is empty anyway." "Ok, whatever dude."
Lazy staff can be a blessing sometimes.
...There's still movie theaters? Cool!
Yeah, I've got a lack-o-money thing going on here too, so I watch over-the-air TV. On a CRT. And I like it!
⸘You do not like the FrontRowCenter‽ I always try to get the FrontRowCenter because it is like being in the movie.
If you want a nonimmersion, wait for the movie to come out on the iTunes' Store, watch it on an AppleWatch, with you and the AppleWatch on opposite corners of the biggest room in your home.
If one will not sit in the FrontRowCenter, ¿why bother to pay extra for seeing the movie in the theater when one can just wait for it to come out on a streaming service and watch it on a little screen, using the builtin speakers of the device? I only see 5-10 movies in a theater/year, but when I do, I always try to get the FrontRowCenter, THX1138-Sound, 3D, High Framerate, and iMax, if available; otherwise, ¿what is the point of going to the theater and spending the extra money?